asking questions is twisting words around?

[princess_ria]

I'm 33 and recently diagnosed. i live with my parents. my family doesn't/refuses to understand. I usually don't interact with them much because I also have a sleep disorder. but when I do, I'm accused of "twisting words around" when I ask questions about things they said that I don't understand. this irks me because I'm just trying to figure out what they mean, but they refuse to even give me a chance to explain. it's always my fault for not understanding, no matter what the situation is; mechanics and politics included.

so my question is: does anyone else get accused of "twisting words around" when one asks questions? and what should I do to try and get my family to understand?

 

[King_Oni]

Not so much by my parents as, for some reason they've come to understand that either I'm not understanding them or they are really, really unclear. At least I've cleared that up with them years ago.

But twisting words around is something I've been accused by quite a bit when I have to deal with more serious and legal matters, like the times when I have to visit social services for an update about my state of employment and whatever else they need to tell me. But in their defense, they probably just play it really hard for anyone, so I don't feel bad if they make an issue out of me asking them what they mean or want 5 times during an appointment.

Have you tried telling your parents you really need them to be clearer? Tell them it benefits all parties involved if they're clearer as it means you will give them a proper response they would like to (regardless on if they like your answer) and it makes it a lot easier for you to not be annoyed over them being so ignorant. Afterall, assuming everyone understands your message is ignorant and arrogant... and the first crumbling pillar to proper communication (at least, that's the first thing I learned in my "effective communication classes" back in journalism school)

 

[Datura]

Welcome, your majesty!

I can't say I get accused of "twisting words around" but I do often paraphrase or repeat what people tell me in order to verify my understanding. Some people seem to lack patience for this, but I find it useful.

Does your family know much about autism, how it effects auditory processing, and the accompanying literalism? Perhaps if you should find a susinct article on the subject. You could then preface it, explaining that this is why you ask so many questions and that you are not "twisting their words" intentionally.

 

[Suzanne]

YES, my husband does this a lot! Like your family, he refuses to accept I am an aspie but at the same time, has a horrible tendency to use me being literal and other things, against me.

But lol because of my aspieness, he is having no choice but to think in a different way because I keep mentioning it and he even gets to hear what it is all about, because when I go on a tangent, I spill forth with as much information as I can, on any given topic.

He would really like to just put this on the shelf and "just get on with life" but what he fails to appreciate is that it would be like me demanding he put HIMSELF on the shelf.

I find texting him or emailing him works well, because I am able to formulate my sentences in a way to not get mocked and I guess it is a bit better for me, because it is ROMANTIC love and thus, he is not setting out to be cruel; for I know he loves me very much and does try; but his severe NT way of thinking ( hehehehe), just makes it most hard to get around that his wife is impaired in some way and sadly, he has a bit of a competitive streak in him and thus, wants to be always worse than me, which is hard to deal with.

You could try asking your family members by text or email: what are their views on aspergers and then say: here is a link for you.

I get intensely angry when my husband treats me as though I am stupid; especially since it was he that pointed out the traits ( but not knowing what is going on), so I guess he was pointing them out to try and improve me or teach me, but if there is this possibility that my brain is wired differently, now that is not to be born, because it means he has to do a bit of compromising and, umm that is hard going!

Sometimes he surprises me with how loving he can be. Recently I could not face the social interaction to a bbq we were invited to and took the opportunity when he volunteered to go somewhere, to go with him ( at his invite) and then ask with tears flowing down, if he would please take me home and wow he did too and was super sweet and all he said was that he felt sad that I was not going to be with him. We texted each other, whilst he was there and so, that was lovely. Of course, paradoxically, I wanted to be at the bbq; it is hard going when you hear of everyone having fun and you are not there sharing in it! Plus he received tons of photos that were taken at the bbq and everyone looks so happy and I felt stabs of envy and had to swollen them down!

 

[princess_ria]

my parents aren't really "technology literate" so they don't text or email. and as for getting them to read up, I've tried. if they don't understand it then it doesn't exist. example: even though I was approved for medicaid my mother refused to drop me from their insurance because she refuses to believe it pays for psychiatry. and I've presented her evidence to the contrary, which she flat out ignores because it doesn't agree with what she wants. then they get mad at me for having to pay doctor bills because I won't get my own insurance. ugh. my parents are a piece of work.

 

[princess_ria]

as for getting them to speak more clearly, I've also tried but if I try to explain something to them again I'm twisting words around. I just can't win. I wish it was feasible to move somewhere else but I have no job or money because of my sleeping disorder (which they also don't believe even though I'm seeing a lousy sleep doc; he's the only one in the area). plus, my aspie symptoms didn't start being forceful until I turned 32. so that also makes it harder for them to believe.

 

[Ylva]

It's often better not to be too precise or try for precision. You're making them feel stupid. They don't know what they mean. Make some vague statement with inserted keywords instead. Experiment.

 

[Slithytoves]

I sympathize with your frustration.

This is a tough problem with no easy answer. It's hard to tell how much of their perception of "twisting words around" is about the way you rephrase things back to them, complications of their general attitude towards you, or both.

Ylva suggested that you not try for precision. I suggest the opposite. When rephrasing back to them, start off by saying something like, "Let me make sure what you mean so I can do what you're asking," and repeat their basic question as closely as you can. Try to keep your voice and body language calm when you do this, to avoid triggering extra frustration on their end. This can be hard for a lot of Aspies, but NTs rely a lot on tone and nonverbals so they may be perceiving yours as part of the "twisting".

It wouldn't hurt for you to do some Googling on the subject of active listening skills and rephrasing. A lot of business and social work-related websites have good pointers on this. There may be things in the way you communicate that are aggravating the situation and which you may recognize when reading these resources. I'm not putting this all on you, but you can only really do anything about your side of things to effect positive change.

I've been accused of "twisting words around" many times myself. Ylva's right that people often don't know what they're asking when they ask something of you, so it's easy to think an honest attempt at rephrasing is somehow inaccurate, even deliberately so. They also may mean something other than "truly twisting words around" but are not articulate enough to explain themselves properly.

Nobody can wreck our self-esteem like our parents. I've been there, and I'm sorry you're stuck living with it right now.

 

[gonz]

I can't say I get accused of "twisting words around" but I do often paraphrase or repeat what people tell me in order to verify my understanding. Some people seem to lack patience for this, but I find it useful.

I do this as well. My gf used to get very frustrated with me for it, angrily saying stuff like "yeah, I just said that."

Once I did it when she was already in a bad mood and we had a fight about it, but some good actually came from it. She was finally able to explain why it bothered her so much; she felt that I was trying to claim her thoughts and ideas as my own. Then I was able to explain that it was because I have a tendency to mistakenly believe that I understand what people are telling me, and have learned over the years that I need to confirm it.

She agreed that such misunderstandings were common for me and, with her new understanding of why I do it, is no longer bothered when I do.

 

[Elemental]

I get this criticism a lot because I do need clarity on meaning much of the time, so I generally check what has been said to me before thinking about my response. I understand that it might be irritating or predictable to other people sometimes. I think what gets often overlooked is the accompanying fatigue that literal-ness can induce; it's like almost constant doubling up & rerunning everything a second time, to check & that can be tiring.

 

[ChrisC1983]

i'm 31 and live with my father.. but work with my aunt in a different city and stay at her house often because of it. my father doesn't really say it much anymore but when i was growing up i was often accused of twisting words or simply not hearing things properly or flatout lieing if i was the one saying it (even if i repeated what i heard them say.. i lived with my parents and grandparents at that time)

it's tough to "fix" if they don't give you a chance to speak (also a problem i had growing up.. i stutter and have anxiety as well so not only did they not really let me talk anyway but when i tried it would take a while so i would get a "just spit it out already" making it even tougher to say what i was trying to say)... in my case, i just tried to understand what they were saying. i took the literal words and "threw them out the window" so to speak (i picked up a lot of weird sayings throughout life.. part of what i'm about to say).. because i realized many people, family and otherwise, did not actually mean what they said. to simplify an example.. something like "i hate you" seems pretty straightforward. and although sometimes it can be.. usually it basically breaks down to "i'm very mad at you about this current topic but can be fine with other topics or if you give the situation time to cool down i will not be mad anymore"........ my examples aren't great in this case. i really need to be in the moment to break it down because it depends on so many factors.. but it really is training.

you could try mentioning to them at a totally unrelated time that, in the future, it would be helpful for some clarification when you're confused about something. that way it's outside of the active situation and maybe they can speak calmly and rationally about it at that time