Asperger's boyfriend is very inconsistent - help!

[tahoemom]

I'm so glad I found this forum. I am a 50 year old divorced mom and I recently moved to a new state. I'm in the medical field, and shortly after I moved last summer, I met a physician through my job. He is in his early 60s, also divorced with kids. I found him to be extremely odd at first - he wouldn't look at me, and avoided conversation, to the point I thought he didn't like me. We ended up interacting a lot more due to a work project and he slowly began to talk to me. One day out of the blue, he approached me about having lunch that day. We went to lunch and he was actually pretty talkative, and it turned out we had quite a bit in common. He asked me to go out to dinner and we set a date. It was pleasant and he came off as somewhat shy (almost in a boyish way), which I liked. From that point on, he called me every day, at exactly 5pm when he gets off work. Again, a bit odd, but cute.

We continued to see each other about twice a week. One day we were taking a walk, and he told me that back in med school, professors often told him he should aim for a career that did not entail a lot of interaction with people. He followed it up by telling me "they thought I had Asperger's". That did not surprise me, as by then I thought that was the case. But I liked how he came out with it, he was always very upfront with me, honest and not filtered.

After 2 months of dating, he invited me over to his home for dinner and a movie. Totally respectful, did not try anything physical. And I admired it at first, but has since become a problem still plaguing me to this day.

He invited me over one day to meet his adult kids, and some friends. I was really happy because it seemed like a big step. I thought it would get physical after that. The most he had done is kiss me (closed mouth). Oddly enough though, whenever we did go on a date, he would be very affectionate in public, but anytime we were at his house or mine, he was physically distant. Also, he began calling me less, not planning things. It began to really bother me... I called him one day and told him I felt like we were in the friend zone and that I liked him a lot, and wanted to have a more physical and consistent relationship. He replied by saying sex is not important to him. I explained it was important to me in the scheme of a relationship. And I also wanted to feel like a priority to him, which I didn't by this time. He often went a week without calling or texting by this time. The conversation ended with us agreeing to be friends.

However, he continued to call. Not every day but a few days a week. He continued to ask me to do things (walks, bike rides, etc) and I did, mainly because I did enjoy his company and if we were destined to be friends only, so be it.

Fast forward to early December. He was calling and texting quite a bit more. I just figured he is maybe lonely and so I would try to take his calls. At some point, he asked if I wanted to see a movie. It was a movie that I had wanted to see, so sure I was happy to go. Well, I get there and he just all over me! Grabbing my hand, telling me that he dressed in a nicer shirt for our "date", and once in the movie theater he had his arm around me. I was not only shocked but weirded out. This was not how our friendship had been in the previous months. We did things together but the boundaries seemed set. I left the movie actually quite upset. He texted me later that he was sorry for having been so distant the last time we dated, he was not in a "good place" but is in a better frame of mind now.

I agreed to date him again. BUT, things have not changed. At first he did seem like he was taking steps to be more physical with me, but that just all stopped recently. He also started out by calling me often, but just went 10 days without contacting me. And once we contacts me, it's like no time has passed for him but it feels awful from my standpoint. I am just about ready to tell him once and for all that it's not working out. I like him so much, and my only hesitation in this is that maybe I should be talking to him more about how I feel. Not just break it off, but talk to him in depth. As an NT, I am not sure how to talk to him in a way that would be productive. Any input would be much appreciated.

 

[Ginseng]

I wish I could offer you some helpful advice. Maybe you could ask him where he sees this relationship going? And I would definitely get the sex issue settled before pursuing this any further. If sex is not important to him but it is to you... you might want to forget about him as a romantic partner.

 

[tahoemom]

I wish I could offer you some helpful advice. Maybe you could ask him where he sees this relationship going? And I would definitely get the sex issue settled before pursuing this any further. If sex is not important to him but it is to you... you might want to forget about him as a romantic partner.

Thank you, yes I probably have to at this point just ask. What threw me off is that this second time dating, he talks about a future. He will talk about planning things for next year, and he will talk about the fact that both of us own a second home saying "we'll have four homes together", and then other things that just lead me to believe he is thinking long term.

Yes, sex thing baffles me. At some points it seems like he is going to try something but then doesn't. He knows how I feel about it too, so not sure why he would start dating again if he felt differently.

 

[Judge]

That's unfortunate. However perhaps the simplest explanation being the most plausible one, the best course of action may be to simply give him up rather than attempt to deal with such emotional inconsistency over a long period of time.

I can run "hot and cold" at times, but not to that extent. It just sounds like you'd be giving up too much to sustain such a relationship.

 

[tahoemom]

That's unfortunate. However perhaps the simplest explanation being the most plausible one, the best course of action may be to simply give him up rather than attempt to deal with such emotional inconsistency over a long period of time.

I can run "hot and cold" at times, but not to that extent. It just sounds like you'd be giving up too much to sustain such a relationship.

That is probably what it will come down to. This is probably just how he is, and cannot change.

 

[Judge]

That is probably what it will come down to. This is probably just how he is, and cannot change.

In many cases I often point out that one who is Neurotypical may have to be prepared to compromise beyond any perception of a "50-50" arrangement. But in this instance, wow...it just seems that it would amount to a bad investment. Worse if he has little or no ability to truly see how this emotionally impacts those he cares for.

This is the the sort or behavior for someone like myself to possibly learn from. Though it might be a struggle, it's one of the things worth changing in pursuit of a relationship with another. Hindsight- and remorse I've picked up having been involved with a handful of failed relationships with NT women.

 

[Loren]

Based on information you've shared, it seems, likely, that he is, either, asexual, or, simply, worries that he could do something wrong/ to cause you to refrain from seeing him in the future. Another possibility is that, intimacy could be too complicated, or too intense for him to engage in. The behaviors you are witnessing, don't seem to have anything to do with you, personally. In case you are not aware, asexuality is prevalent among autistics.

It is is, quite, apparent, that he likes you, that you are important to him, and he wants to be involved with you, despite his reluctance to be physically intimate. The changes in his behaviors are his attempts at pleasing you/ in response to your desire to be more intimate, as he doesn't want to lose you. He, probably, feels safer being closer to you/holding hands, etcetera, in public, than in private, since, being intimate in a private setting, can lead to further intimacy, of which he seems to not want to engage in. Being physically intimate, likely, has no baring on his relationships.

I would suggest, simply, remaining good friends, but, would explain to him, why, so he understands, and doesn't think of your friendship in any other way, or, plan his future with you in his mind, or, become surprised, or, unnecessarily, saddened or distraught, should you become involved with someone else.

 

[Fino]

Loren saves me time by saying what I wanted to, but better!

You should talk openly with him about sex and get everyone's thoughts and feelings about that out in the open. Along with everything else.

Honesty or quit, I say!

 

[Tom]

I have to disagree. He seems very consistent. He just wants a slow sort of thing. Maybe just some companionship. When in public he might feel more possessive. He might have moments but is unlikely to change much. No one does really, NT or ASD. So what you have here is not a...

but more like a...

 

[onlything]

When I read about this kind of situation, I can only realise how much similar behaviour impacts and impacted those I care about. The only thing I can do now is to learn from this and only a tough love kind of teaching gives any results - the straightforward words of what's on my close one's mind. Otherwise, I won't even realise I'm doing it or what exactly I'm doing and it's the most frustrating thing when you see that specific look from them, the look that tells you that you did something wrong and they want to tell you but won't because reasons, and you don't know why.

I kind of understand this man's behaviour - I can fully focus on one important thing at a time, one issue, and everything else needs to be pushed down until this issue is dealt with. This tendency of 'overfocusing' was brought out to me first by my brother, in fact, and in such a no-nonsense way that it really shook me enough to realise that, yes, this is what I was doing. I focused on an issue so much that I would simply forget about other things - and people - for months at a time. Not a good thing to do to your loved ones for sure.

It may be a similar case for him, it may be not. The best advise we can give you is to tell him what you need and what is on your mind. Just make sure your tone is not aggressive or passive-aggressive or it may cause him to step back. It's a funny thing with us at times. Too little talking is not good because we miss your signals, too much is not good either because we get spooked or annoyed, or threatened and choose to leave... at least for a time, get some distance. Honestly, from a point of view of an NT it may be too much of a hassle.

Maybe from a point of view of another ND as well. Duh.

The way he goes hot-and-cold in physical relationship is also familiar to me, but mostly due to ptsd and because I get easily overhelmed with this stuff. One of the reasons I'm not dating right now - better to sort yourself out first. Dunno what's his reason but whatever it is, you guys need to talk about how you see this relationship and what exactly do you want from it. It may be better to just look for a partner somewhere else.

I may see a bit of a pattern here, but it may be just a theory. It's something I can see myself doing, at least. I'm not a physical person overall but when someone I care about asks me to hug them more, that they feel I don't care at all then, well, I'll first think about it, think about just giving up because my trying to be any different never worked before... and then I will either leave them or try to get more physical because this is what they want. A few days, weeks, months even will be fine, I'll just be maybe a bit more tired or restless until one day I'll get overhelmed and distance myself again. Then, something will happen at work or in life and I will leave them in the back of my mind to deal with two issues - the one at work and the one of how I got overhelmed... Et cetera.

Not looking for excuses, just possible reasons. I don't really know the man but it may be some of the above - or none at all. Still, the suggestion is the same - talk and be straightforward because trying to gues what your loved one wants from you is exhausting.

 

[china autie]

Asexual and possibly aromantic but not fully aware of it?

Does not sound promising if you want sex.

Also, the intensity of his hot and cold seems off to me.

 

[tahoemom]

I have to disagree. He seems very consistent. He just wants a slow sort of thing. Maybe just some companionship. When in public he might feel more possessive. He might have moments but is unlikely to change much. No one does really, NT or ASD. So what you have here is not a...

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but more like a...

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Yes, that is a great metaphor, those two photos. In fact, my 3 children met him shortly after I met his children. My two older kids (adult) thought he was a bit of an oddball and hard to talk to, but my youngest (11) though he was "awesome" LOL. He played video games with her all night. So yes, I think you are right.

 

[tahoemom]

Asexual and possibly aromantic but not fully aware of it?

Does not sound promising if you want sex.

Also, the intensity of his hot and cold seems off to me.

That's exactly right, the intensity of the hot and cold.. it's really out of line with anyone I have dated previously. Super hot, or super cold. I thought at one point maybe he is bipolar in addition to Asperger's. But no matter the reason, it is not going to work in terms of what I hope to have from a relationship.

 

[cberg]

Not everyone can trust you as easily as the next person. I know being the weirdo I am has taught me to be patient about getting what I want. I think you're pushing it with the armchair diagnoses & I think you're selling yourself short if you, a doctor of all people, writes someone off because of a precondition.

I must say, considering how progressive the medical fields purport to be these days, I have a hard time discerning where you're really coming from. Relationships for us don't simply work or not work, they just are.

 

[tahoemom]

Not everyone can trust you as easily as the next person. I know being the weirdo I am has taught me to be patient about getting what I want. I think you're pushing it with the armchair diagnoses & I think you're selling yourself short if you, a doctor of all people, writes someone off because of a precondition.

Hi, thanks, but it's not an armchair diagnosis. This is what he told me. He repeated to me a situation in medical school that brought to light the fact that he was likely Asperger's. By the time he told me, I had thought to myself maybe he was. But I certainly did not give much weight to my thoughts until he told me. I do believe this was his way to communicating it to me, but I do not know if he has any formal diagnosis. It really wouldn't matter to me either way if he was or was not. This would never in itself cause me to write anyone off. To the contrary, I want to be with him, I am just having a hard time figuring out how to discuss with him the hot and cold behavior, and the lack of intimacy. I don't want to hurt him, at the same time, I know that i need more emotionally from him than I am getting right now.

 

[cberg]

Well the same thing goes for bipolar, a guy can't do anything about some label you've irrevocably conferred on his head. I don't think there's a person alive who wouldn't take offense to an objective discussion of their 'behavior'; how people feel is just how people feel & it's on all of us to deal with it.

I've received both the deprecated diagnosis of Asperger's & the social death sentence of bipolar diagnosis. Do I buy into the DSM? No ma'am. We're not having a serious conversation if it's boxed in by acronyms and I'm a programmer.

 

[tahoemom]

Absolutely, I would only be discussing the behavior with him. I'm not interested in putting labels on him because I just don't know. And it really doesn't matter. I do want to make sure I am communicating to him without it seeming like I am criticizing him. I haven't needed to talk to anyone about this kind of behavior before because I just haven't experienced it.

 

[cberg]

Well from a spectrum-sided perspective we have no pattern of reference nor contiguous experience of anyone's behavior, everything is ad hoc and every day is a different set of questions.

 

[Fino]

Well the same thing goes for bipolar, a guy can't do anything about some label you've irrevocably conferred on his head. I don't think there's a person alive who wouldn't take offense to an objective discussion of their 'behavior'; how people feel is just how people feel & it's on all of us to deal with it.

I've received both the deprecated diagnosis of Asperger's & the social death sentence of bipolar diagnosis. Do I buy into the DSM? No ma'am. We're not having a serious conversation if it's boxed in by acronyms and I'm a programmer.

Rather than "boxing in," maybe they can be more like road signs.

And how is a Bipolar diagnosis a social death sentence? How would people know?

Diagnoses' are acknowledgments of already present behavior, being diagnosed changes nothing but perspective and clarity.

 

[cberg]

People really hate the misnomer of bipolar, it gets you treated like a non-citizen in dangerous understaffed hospitals. Someone says you may be bipolar & BAM; say goodbye to being treated like yourself.

I'm uncomfortable with the diagnosis rate & the industrialized nature of any & all medically accepted treatments for such conditions. Calling someone bipolar is essentially like selling them to pharmaceutical companies for life.