Asperger's - Hard to Keep Friends

[ErinH]

Hi,

Hope everyone is having a good week so far. Does anyone else struggle to keep friends, especially good/best friends? Since I realised I might have Asperger's, I started thinking back to all of the very good friends I have lost in my life. And I clearly have a habit of losing friends. Not because I am mean or disloyal or don't make enough effort, but because I usually end up having some sort of meltdown. Has anyone else experienced this? I think my previous best friends have found me eventually too much to handle. I always depended on my friends too much, as if my attachment to them was unhealthy. I would also have obsessive thoughts and obsessive anxieties that would never go away no matter how much I talked to my friends about it or how logical any solution or explanation was. I would just talk about it again and again and again.
I used to be an alcoholic and it is only since I quit alcohol two years ago that I am realising all of this stuff, and gaining some measure of control over my life that I realise I had relied on others up until this point. This is when these unhealthy attachments became more visible to me. I guess until then I knew on some level that life was so overwhelming for me and I couldn't cope, so I formed unhealthy attachments to others. Now that I don't have those people in my life any more, or alcohol to medicate the panic with, life is very overwhelming for me. But at least I am feeling like I am now living authentically.

 

[haileyrenee]

I've always struggled with the same problem. While i was growing up, "friendships" would form when i would choose a new group (or individual) to hang out with and mimic (learn their idiosyncrasies, outlook, apparel, music, etc); then one of two things would typically occur within a year: either I'd move onto another group when i was bored or I'd feel abandoned when these people would move on for the lack of a better term. which was typically because i would get clingy/jealous/etc. I am 29 and was just diagnosed last week... i too, struggled with substance abuse. i have been some type of addict ever since i can remember and now that i have been clean a year, i am gaining a lot of clarity as well as regaining memories and intention.
i don't however think that feeling overwhelmed constantly is a good state for you to remain in for too long. life is what you make of it & your thoughts create your reality. try to take up a positive, healthy habit or interest... meditation for example. .....just some thoughts ....
good luck on your journey!

 

[OlLiE]

a real good friend would understand you and not leave because of a meltdown,
shortcomings, everybody's got'em

 

[As sweet as-pie]

I'm the same. I actually find it easier to keep hold of acquaintances / not close friends than best friends. I've lost pretty much all of my friends. Usually because they either misunderstand me or think I talk too much / too little. When I don't talk enough, people say I'm quiet and weird, and if I talk too much people say I'm self centred.

I've been called narcissistic and an attention seeker several times because when people ask if I'm okay, I'm honest, instead of giving the "yeah i'm fine" response NT's expect. I've also lost autistic friends though, so I'm not sure. I did lose my best friend just because I got my autism diagnosis. Luckily, I do have one friend who is prepared to do things for me in public and is patient and understanding about my issues.

I try to be friendly to everyone I meet, but people misunderstand me and people don't usually reciprocate the niceness. I get bullied a lot. If I stand up for myself, I'm told I have an attitude problem. I made a lot of enemies at school.
My sister told me when I order food at a restaurant I sound sassy and "diva"-ish. I think it's probably overcompensating because in reality I'm terrified!

I hope one day we'll both find friends who are able to love us for us. Anyone else isn't worth it.

 

[FreeDiver]

Let me tell you a thing or two about Asperger's and friendships. It's like a house of cards. It's like walking on eggshells. It can take a long time and a lot of hard work to make friends and all it take is some stupid thing that you may be totally unaware of to send it all crashing down. You may also find yourself putting in a lot of effort to make sure you don't screw up in the first place.

Another real danger about friendships is people that claim to be your friend may just be using and taking advantage of you. And being an aspie may make it very difficult to spot this. BE VERY, VERY CAREFUL ABOUT WHO YOU TRUST!

 

[Heart of Stone]

Hi,

Hope everyone is having a good week so far. Does anyone else struggle to keep friends, especially good/best friends? Since I realised I might have Asperger's, I started thinking back to all of the very good friends I have lost in my life. And I clearly have a habit of losing friends. Not because I am mean or disloyal or don't make enough effort, but because I usually end up having some sort of meltdown. Has anyone else experienced this? I think my previous best friends have found me eventually too much to handle. I always depended on my friends too much, as if my attachment to them was unhealthy. I would also have obsessive thoughts and obsessive anxieties that would never go away no matter how much I talked to my friends about it or how logical any solution or explanation was. I would just talk about it again and again and again.
I used to be an alcoholic and it is only since I quit alcohol two years ago that I am realising all of this stuff, and gaining some measure of control over my life that I realise I had relied on others up until this point. This is when these unhealthy attachments became more visible to me. I guess until then I knew on some level that life was so overwhelming for me and I couldn't cope, so I formed unhealthy attachments to others. Now that I don't have those people in my life any more, or alcohol to medicate the panic with, life is very overwhelming for me. But at least I am feeling like I am now living authentically.

I apologize in advance if any of what I say is nonsensical; I only skimmed through your post due to tiredness. To answer your question, yes. I find it incredibly difficult to not only keep friends, but to connect with people in general. My mother believes me to be a pyromanic; I'm certainly good at burning bridges.

I'm immensely neurotic; I can be 'fine' one minute, but even the slightest incident can cause a fireball of anger or a tidal wave of despair - or even an amalgam of both. It's hard to keep friends when your emotions swing like a pendulum.

 

[Tyrantus1212]

The absolute same. I've had trouble making friends my entire life because I'm too weird and too socially inept. I had one socially inept childhood friend, and have gone through periods of years without having any after he moved to another city. I've been a loner most of my life - first by choice, then by obligation. I lost a lot of potential friends in college because I tried too hard to be social (was tired of being lonely) and ended up behaving in a very annoying and off-putting matter without even realizing it until post-facto.

I managed to make a few good friends in recent years but I'm just way too clingy and demanding towards them, which makes me afraid that they'll think I'm too much to handle. So many people thought that before but I scared them off way before there was even a chance at friendship. Since these recent people are already my friends, it'd be so much harder to lose them - so recently I've been toning it down on the neediness a notch. I cannot afford to have this happen, it's totally murder my self-esteem which is already lousy as is. I'm just so lucky to have made actual friends in the first place that it makes me come on very strong for the purpose of always holding in to them.

I too cycle over obsessive topics no matter who I'm with - these friends, or my parents (my only friends for long stretches of time), and that drives people crazy. I really don't want to drive my friends away, not in a gazillion years. They're one in a gazillion.

 

[ErinH]

I've always struggled with the same problem. While i was growing up, "friendships" would form when i would choose a new group (or individual) to hang out with and mimic (learn their idiosyncrasies, outlook, apparel, music, etc); then one of two things would typically occur within a year: either I'd move onto another group when i was bored or I'd feel abandoned when these people would move on for the lack of a better term. which was typically because i would get clingy/jealous/etc. I am 29 and was just diagnosed last week... i too, struggled with substance abuse. i have been some type of addict ever since i can remember and now that i have been clean a year, i am gaining a lot of clarity as well as regaining memories and intention.
i don't however think that feeling overwhelmed constantly is a good state for you to remain in for too long. life is what you make of it & your thoughts create your reality. try to take up a positive, healthy habit or interest... meditation for example. .....just some thoughts ....
good luck on your journey!

Thanks for your response. We sound quite alike. Well done for being clean for so long! I know that is a huge achievement. I tried meditation but lacked the patience, I haven't given up on it though. I walk a lot to and from work every day and that does help.

I have always been a jealous friend and if any time had passed since I last saw the friend I always panicked that that meant I would lose the friend. At the moment I don't have any close friends but old friends who I talk to less than regularly. I don't tend to approach anyone for help any more as I've been hurt too much in the past by friends. Now I only speak to my fiancé about anything I'm upset about. But one day I'd love to have a close friend again.

Thanks so much for your thoughtful reply and I will try to integrate some more healthy habits

 

[ErinH]

a real good friend would understand you and not leave because of a meltdown,
shortcomings, everybody's got'em

You are so right, thanks for the support!

 

[ErinH]

I'm the same. I actually find it easier to keep hold of acquaintances / not close friends than best friends. I've lost pretty much all of my friends. Usually because they either misunderstand me or think I talk too much / too little. When I don't talk enough, people say I'm quiet and weird, and if I talk too much people say I'm self centred.

I've been called narcissistic and an attention seeker several times because when people ask if I'm okay, I'm honest, instead of giving the "yeah i'm fine" response NT's expect. I've also lost autistic friends though, so I'm not sure. I did lose my best friend just because I got my autism diagnosis. Luckily, I do have one friend who is prepared to do things for me in public and is patient and understanding about my issues.

I try to be friendly to everyone I meet, but people misunderstand me and people don't usually reciprocate the niceness. I get bullied a lot. If I stand up for myself, I'm told I have an attitude problem. I made a lot of enemies at school.
My sister told me when I order food at a restaurant I sound sassy and "diva"-ish. I think it's probably overcompensating because in reality I'm terrified!

I hope one day we'll both find friends who are able to love us for us. Anyone else isn't worth it.

I was also bullied at achool. And also by my family, particularly by my older brother, mum and grandma. I now don't speak to my brother, barely speak to my grandma and have a better relationship with my mum now that she has realised I actually had suffered all my life rather than choosing to be a failure. I also get confused when people ask how I'm doing. It can take a few moments for me to decide the correct response. Thanks for sharing your experiences with me

 

[ErinH]

Let me tell you a thing or two about Asperger's and friendships. It's like a house of cards. It's like walking on eggshells. It can take a long time and a lot of hard work to make friends and all it take is some stupid thing that you may be totally unaware of to send it all crashing down. You may also find yourself putting in a lot of effort to make sure you don't screw up in the first place.

Another real danger about friendships is people that claim to be your friend may just be using and taking advantage of you. And being an aspie may make it very difficult to spot this. BE VERY, VERY CAREFUL ABOUT WHO YOU TRUST!

Thanks for the advice! I completely agree with you. It is a lot of effort. I don't like seeing people in person, and would much prefer only texting. This has had a detrimental effect on my friendships, especially since I quit drinking. People have also often taken advantage of me in the past. Now I only talk to my fiancé about my problems. Thanks.

 

[ErinH]

I apologize in advance if any of what I say is nonsensical; I only skimmed through your post due to tiredness. To answer your question, yes. I find it incredibly difficult to not only keep friends, but to connect with people in general. My mother believes me to be a pyromanic; I'm certainly good at burning bridges.

I'm immensely neurotic; I can be 'fine' one minute, but even the slightest incident can cause a fireball of anger or a tidal wave of despair - or even an amalgam of both. It's hard to keep friends when your emotions swing like a pendulum.

I 100% agree! I have the same thing with my emotions and when I look back I realise that most of my friendships have ended in some sort of dramatic burnt bridge situation instead of just a placid dying out or fading away! Thanks for sharing

 

[ErinH]

The absolute same. I've had trouble making friends my entire life because I'm too weird and too socially inept. I had one socially inept childhood friend, and have gone through periods of years without having any after he moved to another city. I've been a loner most of my life - first by choice, then by obligation. I lost a lot of potential friends in college because I tried too hard to be social (was tired of being lonely) and ended up behaving in a very annoying and off-putting matter without even realizing it until post-facto.

I managed to make a few good friends in recent years but I'm just way too clingy and demanding towards them, which makes me afraid that they'll think I'm too much to handle. So many people thought that before but I scared them off way before there was even a chance at friendship. Since these recent people are already my friends, it'd be so much harder to lose them - so recently I've been toning it down on the neediness a notch. I cannot afford to have this happen, it's totally murder my self-esteem which is already lousy as is. I'm just so lucky to have made actual friends in the first place that it makes me come on very strong for the purpose of always holding in to them.

I too cycle over obsessive topics no matter who I'm with - these friends, or my parents (my only friends for long stretches of time), and that drives people crazy. I really don't want to drive my friends away, not in a gazillion years. They're one in a gazillion.

Hi, thanks for your response. I am sorry you go through these things too. I know what you mean about being scared to lose friends. At the moment I feel like I either have to give up on the idea of friends and possibly lose some of my warm-heartedness and caring nature in the process or just live in fear of loss. I don't have too many friends at the moment though. I'm glad you appreciate your friends so much, sometimes that is hard to do until they're gone. Keep going

 

[Grandmother B]

Hi,

Hope everyone is having a good week so far. Does anyone else struggle to keep friends, especially good/best friends? Since I realised I might have Asperger's, I started thinking back to all of the very good friends I have lost in my life. And I clearly have a habit of losing friends. Not because I am mean or disloyal or don't make enough effort, but because I usually end up having some sort of meltdown. Has anyone else experienced this? I think my previous best friends have found me eventually too much to handle. I always depended on my friends too much, as if my attachment to them was unhealthy. I would also have obsessive thoughts and obsessive anxieties that would never go away no matter how much I talked to my friends about it or how logical any solution or explanation was. I would just talk about it again and again and again.
I used to be an alcoholic and it is only since I quit alcohol two years ago that I am realising all of this stuff, and gaining some measure of control over my life that I realise I had relied on others up until this point. This is when these unhealthy attachments became more visible to me. I guess until then I knew on some level that life was so overwhelming for me and I couldn't cope, so I formed unhealthy attachments to others. Now that I don't have those people in my life any more, or alcohol to medicate the panic with, life is very overwhelming for me. But at least I am feeling like I am now living authentically.

Congratulations on your sobriety! I wish the best for you in finding good friends. You might get some ideas from www.aspergerexperts.com. They have a lot of free videos and such that can help you understand some things about yourself and why you might do and feel some of these things.

 

[ImAnAspie]

People in my life are like tumble weeds. They blow into my life and out, and I barely notice their passing.

I don't want friends. They complicate life. Humans in general are nasty and aggressive creatures and I've come to the conclusion that you're better off without them.

 

[Grandmother B]

People in my life are like tumble weeds. They blow into my life and out, and I barely notice their passing.

I don't want friends. They complicate life. Humans in general are nasty and aggressive creatures and I've come to the conclusion that you're better off without them.

That is just sad! I'm sorry you feel that way! Bless you.

 

[JDartistic]

Hi,

Hope everyone is having a good week so far. Does anyone else struggle to keep friends, especially good/best friends? Since I realised I might have Asperger's, I started thinking back to all of the very good friends I have lost in my life. And I clearly have a habit of losing friends. Not because I am mean or disloyal or don't make enough effort, but because I usually end up having some sort of meltdown. Has anyone else experienced this? I think my previous best friends have found me eventually too much to handle. I always depended on my friends too much, as if my attachment to them was unhealthy. I would also have obsessive thoughts and obsessive anxieties that would never go away no matter how much I talked to my friends about it or how logical any solution or explanation was. I would just talk about it again and again and again.
I used to be an alcoholic and it is only since I quit alcohol two years ago that I am realising all of this stuff, and gaining some measure of control over my life that I realise I had relied on others up until this point. This is when these unhealthy attachments became more visible to me. I guess until then I knew on some level that life was so overwhelming for me and I couldn't cope, so I formed unhealthy attachments to others. Now that I don't have those people in my life any more, or alcohol to medicate the panic with, life is very overwhelming for me. But at least I am feeling like I am now living authentically.

I totally relate to this, and also regarding alcohol. I'm happy to see you managed to stop drinking - I'm still in that space of trying to moderate, even though in my heart, I know I need to quit completely. But what you said about being overwhelmed, I'm exactly the same way. I've lost all of my friends, some of them after decades of friendship, b/c I can "pass" as normal, esp. among drinkers! (LOL & you'll understand what I mean, I think). But like you, I'd then have something happen in my life that puts me in total meltdown, which in turn results in all my friends leaving. Sadly, it's like they kick you while you're down.

I'm friendless now - but I'm always trying to make new friends, but now that I'm older, I sometimes wonder why I even bother. Then again, friendship is important, so I keep trying... I find this forum to be comforting, too.

Thanks for posting. Made me feel less alone...

 

[Thursday]

Yes, it's hard for me to maintain a friendship -- usually because of my private meltdowns. That's to say, they do something, I feel like a doormat or a punching bag, and then I just leave things pleasant, not bothering to try opening up again or initiating communications.

Although I do have childhood friends who are still around and I whom I can message, our talks usually consist of me asking about them and not the other way around. For them, it's enough to know I'm "okay" and not bond over serious talk or anything. Going out means enjoyment, but not a real connection.

For instance, when my husband and I lost our son, my oldest friend insisted we see each other after a few months of me being a no-show in our messenger group. When we saw each other, she spent like 15 minutes max talking to me about my painful experience while I spent about 6 hours talking to her about her woes at work. That event really hurt me, but I never brought it up again.

Over the past year, I found my interest in these friendships waning because I've been wanting more. I don't know if that's selfish, but I don't feel that we're all that close anymore and that our relationship is shallow. They're NTs though, so this may be their idea of a friendship.

I just can't keep up with the whole Alpha Female, whoever is the loudest gets attention kind of deal. I was thinking that if they were really concerned, they'd know how to ask and listen.

Hopefully you find friends who would do this for you and that you would know how to take care of them too. Actually, I wish that for all of us.

 

[permamakermom]

Hi,

Hope everyone is having a good week so far. Does anyone else struggle to keep friends, especially good/best friends? Since I realised I might have Asperger's, I started thinking back to all of the very good friends I have lost in my life. And I clearly have a habit of losing friends. Not because I am mean or disloyal or don't make enough effort, but because I usually end up having some sort of meltdown. Has anyone else experienced this? I think my previous best friends have found me eventually too much to handle. I always depended on my friends too much, as if my attachment to them was unhealthy. I would also have obsessive thoughts and obsessive anxieties that would never go away no matter how much I talked to my friends about it or how logical any solution or explanation was. I would just talk about it again and again and again.
I used to be an alcoholic and it is only since I quit alcohol two years ago that I am realising all of this stuff, and gaining some measure of control over my life that I realise I had relied on others up until this point. This is when these unhealthy attachments became more visible to me. I guess until then I knew on some level that life was so overwhelming for me and I couldn't cope, so I formed unhealthy attachments to others. Now that I don't have those people in my life any more, or alcohol to medicate the panic with, life is very overwhelming for me. But at least I am feeling like I am now living authentically.

I feel lucky to have kept my best friend for this long. We made it through to graduation together leaning on each other for help in social interactions. Still it seems we are distant going up to six months without talking and commonly misunderstanding each other. At times she seems like the closest person to me but like I could lose her at any moment. Particularly devastating thought since shes half way across the country now and finding her place in the world. I have always depended on her too much and worse expected too much from her. Over and over.
Most other friends i've made.. all other friends i've made have been convenience work friends or didnt last long because lack of common interests or I become comfortable around them and stop talking lmao. I wonder if anyone else does that? I get to know them, deem them acceptable company and go about my way.. Usually in silence thinking too much. Remember i'm not alone once in awhile and offer a polite smile. Speaking to respond to direct questions but never starting conversation. For awhile trying to accept the silence as part of myself and celebrate it but lately I think i'm just boring bad company.
I get obsessive about time with my husband. Your not alone, im terrible at making at keeping friends.

 

[ErinH]

I keep coming back to this thread and have formulated a response several times only to delete it all. The subject of friends and friendships is both difficult and a little painful for me, as I have struggled with it my entire life.

I believe that @FreeDiver said it well, "It's like walking on eggshells." I struggled to make friends growing up and then struggled to maintain those friendships since I didn't understand the concept of being a friend or what my role was in the relationship; that is to say, "How do I act as a friend?"

Ten years ago I lost the closest friendship I ever had. We became friends when we were just boys of fifteen and maintained that friendship for over thirty years, which included my moving all over the world. I had an event happen in my life that had nothing to do with him, but my overreaction to his response drove us apart. I tried to reconcile, but the relationship was damaged beyond repair.

I believe that those of on the spectrum live with a two-edge sword where friendships are concerned. We struggle to make friends because of a lack of social skills and are leery because of the bullying we suffered. If we make friends, we "walk on eggshells" because of the aforementioned difficulties. If something happens we often overreact or strike first to keep from being hurt, which makes no sense to "our friend." That in turn ruins a friendship. It takes a very special person to be friends with us, but that's just my opinion.

Thanks for your reply. Since you and FreeDiver have both mentioned walking on eggshells as an integral part of friendships, I really started thinking about this. And you are completely right. I never realised this before, which is probably why I have so often lost friends without understanding why. Sometimes it has been hard to see the boundaries for me. I had a friend that used to say she would always be there for me, and I really genuinely took that literally. I thought no matter what chaos I got myself into, I could rely on her. Of course, that wasn't the case. Now that I see it from this new perspective, many eggshells must have been broken back then!
I am so sorry you lost your friend. That must have been very difficult. Maybe it still is for you. We are here for you.