Asperger's - Hard to Keep Friends

[Gracey]

One friend (?) at the age of 14. She was new to the school and different. I too was an oddity on the peripheral. we were friends until we finished senior or high school, went our separate ways and that was that.

I don't have the girly/womanly gossipy or talking for talkings sake skill. I like facts and purpose. A discussion. This doesn't attract many female friends who want to stick around...that said, I haven't really ventured into academia yet (Busy raising up the children) so who knows, I could still have female friends? Never say never.

To date my husband is my best friend. He doesn't insist I learn more acceptable social skills, or that I have to change in anyway just to fit his view of the world. That will do for me.

 

[Adora]

Friendships,yes something that has been a major challenge for me all my life,when I was in school I was bullied severely and what little friends I had would sometimes even turn and bullied me,now I don't have any friends in real life and have lived like this for many years but I do find it difficult to make or maintain friends,I can't really open up to many people and I was once described as someone that is hard to get to know but maybe i prefer to keep my distance since its been difficult to connect and it's lot of work but being bullied when I was younger has definitely added the extra barrier to this difficulty and it's been a struggle for a long time,I am married now but I do sometimes refer to my husband as my best friend but friendships in general have caused some anxiety and stress in my life.

 

[toothless]

i have classic autism and intellectual disability as opposed to aspergers but i struggle greatly around friendships to.
i never had friends until my twenties-i was to involved in my own world and lacked the capacity or care to interact to want friends,now;as a 33 year old i have a number of friends;all of them have intellectual disability,one has 'high functioning' classic autism and some others who i live with have severe mental illness-but because of their differences they dont judge mine.
however,i do not do 'friend' stuff with them,not because i am selfish but i just cant,i have no desire to sit with people and interact or go out places with them,i simply greet them when i see them with a echolalic script of mine and i might fix their computer or buy them birthday/christmas cards/presents.
thats as close to a human friendship as im going to get.

 

[Jameshowlett]

Hey
That's same for me I always thought my friends take advantage of me, everyone becomes my friend when exams start they call me to answer their questions, I like to help everyone but some of them are not even saying hello to me during other days, I remember at the night of chemistry exam 8 persons wanted me to teach them, not only asking but also teaching, I teach those who were my friends during other days ,and refused the others by saying I don't have enough time you can ask the others who I tech them, when I was in mid school I had more friends and they were so royal but ,when I went to high school some of them left and the others were not in my class because of that I felt so depressed.I have always hated my best friend I thought he cannot understand me now I discover that how royal he is , many times I directly told him don't be my friend don't come on my way, I told him you just want me for your advantage but he always refused to leave me alone now he is my only close friend in my class now I love him but I never told him I love you,he told me many times I just got it silly.Now I promised to myself to act like a human to him not become angry at him anymore I bet that nobody could handled me all these time as a friend, now I think he is a gift from god to me.

 

[Maelstrom]

Down to one friend...who still actively chats with me after putting 3 years into socializing here.
Maybe?...one or no friends in real life now.
Ironically I am not that bad at chatting and warming people up....it is more the expectations conflicts thing...I can't ever seem to quite be what they want me to be?

 

[ErinH]

The friendship I lost said the same thing yours did, "I will always be there for you." I take such exclamations literally and seriously, which is why I never say such things or make promises unless I truly mean it.

Back in 2011 we had some very serious tornadoes tear through this area with a lot of damage and fatalities. In fact, one came near his house. I passed through his town on the way home from conducting some business, so I swung by his place and left a note in his mailbox with my current e-mail address. I wanted to make sure his place was still standing and see if he was okay. He responded, which was nice. However, he declined all invitations to get together and he even said in a message, "I wouldn't be interested in that." I've not heard from him since.

In his last message he did send an image of the tornado that he took from his office window. It bothers me to think he could have perished without us ever being reconciled:

View attachment 36477​

Hi, I'm sorry I have not been able to reply until now. I am so sorry that you haven't been able to reconcile. It is hard to understand what is/was going through his head when he decided that he is not interested in seeing you. I also find it hard to understand my ex-best friend's behaviour. Were we not special to them? Are we so disposable, after all we have been through with them? It just seems very uncaring and very "throw-away" of them. I actually can't understand it.

 

[ErinH]

Yes, it's hard for me to maintain a friendship -- usually because of my private meltdowns. That's to say, they do something, I feel like a doormat or a punching bag, and then I just leave things pleasant, not bothering to try opening up again or initiating communications.

Although I do have childhood friends who are still around and I whom I can message, our talks usually consist of me asking about them and not the other way around. For them, it's enough to know I'm "okay" and not bond over serious talk or anything. Going out means enjoyment, but not a real connection.

For instance, when my husband and I lost our son, my oldest friend insisted we see each other after a few months of me being a no-show in our messenger group. When we saw each other, she spent like 15 minutes max talking to me about my painful experience while I spent about 6 hours talking to her about her woes at work. That event really hurt me, but I never brought it up again.

Over the past year, I found my interest in these friendships waning because I've been wanting more. I don't know if that's selfish, but I don't feel that we're all that close anymore and that our relationship is shallow. They're NTs though, so this may be their idea of a friendship.

I just can't keep up with the whole Alpha Female, whoever is the loudest gets attention kind of deal. I was thinking that if they were really concerned, they'd know how to ask and listen.

Hopefully you find friends who would do this for you and that you would know how to take care of them too. Actually, I wish that for all of us.

I am very sorry to hear about your son. It must be devastating and you fully deserve a friend who feels both willing and privileged to be a rock or a shoulder to cry on in these moments, days, weeks, months, years and decades! I am horrified at the way this person has behaved. I completely understand the struggling to keep up with the Alpha Female - I can't understand it. I have realised since being the observing type that many friendships are inauthentic, there's no real connection. Even between many family members. I only have my fiancé to confide in, and I am comforted to have a small but true family: me, him and our pug Luti. I hope that you will find someone who treats you the way you deserve as you seem like a lovely, warm-hearted spirit

 

[Thursday]

I am very sorry to hear about your son. It must be devastating and you fully deserve a friend who feels both willing and privileged to be a rock or a shoulder to cry on in these moments, days, weeks, months, years and decades! I am horrified at the way this person has behaved. I completely understand the struggling to keep up with the Alpha Female - I can't understand it. I have realised since being the observing type that many friendships are inauthentic, there's no real connection. Even between many family members. I only have my fiancé to confide in, and I am comforted to have a small but true family: me, him and our pug Luti. I hope that you will find someone who treats you the way you deserve as you seem like a lovely, warm-hearted spirit

Thank you Erin, that means a lot to me. I hope you find a friend who is deserving of your sincerity as well. I love how you mentioned your pug, that made me smile! I have two cats and when the world seems to be kicking my behind, they're the easiest to ask for comfort.

Anyway, I appreciate what you said and I hope you stick around here on AC. I didn't even know I could enjoy talking to people again until I found this site...maybe you'll find some solace in our company too.

 

[Bolletje]

I had a bit of a jarring realization yesterday when I found out one of my former best friends had gotten married. Although we drifted apart somewhat, and haven't seen each other for years due to her living in another city, she made it a point of calling me when she got engaged, calling me when she found out she was pregnant, and contacting me whenever she was feeling down (which used to be a lot). We didn't have any contact in the last two years, other than me wishing her a happy birthday and her feeling guilty over having forgotten mine. I was okay with this, as I realize friendships just fade.

However, I was upset somehow over reading on facebook last night that she got married. I only saw this because someone posted on her wall that her wedding was beautiful, and that popped up in my timeline. I decided to text her a congratulatory message. Not being invited to her wedding wasn't upsetting to me, we haven't really been a part of each others lives these last few years (except for when she called me to help her feel better). The fact that upset me was that I didn't even know she was getting married, and that she didn't aknowledge my congratulations. Which makes me feel like I didn something incredibly wrong, even though I rationally know I did no such thing. It might have been a little unorthodox for me to send her congratulations for a wedding she didn't inform me of, but I thought it was a friendly gesture and it's not my fault someone else posted about it on facebook. Still, I'm way more sad today than I should be.

 

[Aeolienne]

How have some of you managed to get married despite not having friends?

 

[Nomen Dubium]

I not only find it hard to keep friends and harder still to make them in the first place, but I've also forgotten nearly everyone in my life with whom I don't have an immediate connection.

University friends? Forgotten them all, bar two.
School friends? Forgotten.
Work colleagues from my first few jobs? Forgotten.
Colleagues in my current job (been there 16 years)? Forgotten all the ones who've left/died.
Family relatives? Forgotten their faces.
My mother, who died two years ago? Forgotten. I see her picture around the house and I'm like "Oh yes, I knew you!" I can't visualise her face in my mind anymore.

Does anyone else have a totally screwed up memory?