Aspie and Aspie together, but.....

[earthsoul]

My husband and I have both been diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome,
we are very lucky we understand each other, have a deep love for each other and manage really well mostly. We are both noise adverse so like to live in our bungalow away from the world.
I see John's special interests as something to be harnessed for the good of us both, and often guide him to interests that will help us, although I am in a wheelchair I also look after him while he is deep in his world bringing him cups of tea and making sure he eats. I make sure he changes his clothes and washes too as he does not always think about that. I guess our balance works because he is motivated to his interests and I have my obsessional traits that mean I am checking and keeping some of the things underneath moving along.

We do understand each other really well, the ONLY time things are hard is when we have a disagreement, because we both feel so strongly right it can be difficult to compromise and usually falls down to me (I guess because I am 4% less Aspie than John and a woman!), this can be frustrating as when we both meltdown it is hard.
It is my belief that any relationship takes work and compromise, and (being a bit old fashioned I guess) I see a lot of people who are not prepared to do so. We got married because we wanted to have the piece of paper that made us legally committed, but for us it seemed to make our commitment deeper but that requires some effort!
When we have both closed down it is hard to know what to do, when the dust has settled I know he prefers to just try and keep going on as normal, but I am finding this hard because it is always me backing down and when he is hurtful he does not see my point of view at all.

We had an argument last night, this morning he has already criticised me and yes I made a mistake, I made a cup of tea but for some stupid reason I left the tea bag in. I was trying to make things right with the cup of tea but he just said 'you left the tea bag in' .

It is so stupid but I feel so devalued. I tried and now I am finding fault because I think why should he criticise me.

I guess my point is we are fortunate we understand each other until it gets to the point where we row then we are too like each other and there is too little ground to meet in the middle as we both see things from our own point of view and cannot see it from the others.

 

[StephF]

Give it time. I expect he feels the same.

 

[royinpink]

I relate to this. I'm interested in other advice people have to offer, but I do have one thing that has helped a little: argue via writing--email or text messaging.

This carries the danger of being even less aware of the other person's emotional state and misreading tone, so you have to be extra clear on what you feel and why you feel that way--especially since he's not naturally good at understanding how you might feel. But when you do that in writing, it is so much easier to take your time and say exactly what you mean without adding in any hurtful words. It's also easier to stop and take a breather if you feel your temper starting to rise.

I think in my case, my tone would override whatever I was saying with him and he would get on the defensive, invalidating whatever I said because I was 'emotional' (which of course only made me more frustrated). In writing, he can see my point, even if he is not quick to admit when he is wrong.

Anyway, something that has helped me a bit.

 

[earthsoul]

We have argued before by text as that can be down to misinterpretation as well.

I guess I am just deeply frustrated right now,

if I do the things he does he goes mad, if I try and explain his behaviour is upsetting he views it as criticism and immediately has a meltdown. So I am left always backing down. It is resolving nothing. It also is safe for him as nothing changes but uncomfortable for me as there are things that I am finding hard to deal with.

My worry is that long term the more I back down, the more frustrated I become the harder things will be to work out and the more anxious and depressed I will be.

 

[royinpink]

We have argued before by text as that can be down to misinterpretation as well.

I guess I am just deeply frustrated right now,

if I do the things he does he goes mad, if I try and explain his behaviour is upsetting he views it as criticism and immediately has a meltdown. So I am left always backing down. It is resolving nothing. It also is safe for him as nothing changes but uncomfortable for me as there are things that I am finding hard to deal with.

My worry is that long term the more I back down, the more frustrated I become the harder things will be to work out and the more anxious and depressed I will be.

I understand. It's frustrating when it's not all your fault but the only person whose behavior you can change is your own.

When I notice this kind of defenesive reaction, I try to discuss the problem in how we're communicating in a non-confrontational way before continuing to talk about the issue itself. Easier said than done and leads to frustrating meta-conversations but sometimes it works. When you're speaking from your own experience ("this is how it feels for me"or I-statements, haha: "I feel ___ because/when..."--however you phrase it, putting the focus on your hurt rather than how bad his behavior is, which has the effect of admitting your own vulnerability, which reminds him that you aren't attacking him--in fact he has the power to hurt you) and expressing understanding and compassion for the perspective, it's harder for someone to continue being aggressive.

Speaking of his perspective, he sounds insecure. Perhaps if you recognize where his defensiveness is coming from it will be easier for you to feel sympathy for him instead of being hurt. A lot of men (not only aspies) have a lot of difficulty admitting any weakness or vulnerability, and admitting they're afraid of losing or 'failing' you is one of those. So instead of admitting their fear, they will lash out because of it (or isolate themselves, hide in work, etc.), which just increases their fear because it pushes people away or hurts them and makes it more likely they will lose them/'fail' them.

I'm reminded of a scene in The Journal of Best Practices in which the author reflects that before, he would have heard his wife's question, "You're still cleaning the kitchen? " as criticism of his poor housekeeping skills and blown up at her but now (post-diagnosis and 'best practices' self-improvement project) understands she is genuinely curious because he knows they're in this project together.

I don't mean to suggest you walk on eggshells explaining how you intended every phrase. It's more a whole frame that needs to change. And you both have to be on board for that to happen. So you can try your best or seek outside help (e.g marriage counselor) if it comes to that.

 

[earthsoul]

I tend to just keep things going as normal and the row passes.

Last night we had another one. I melted down and went to bed. His answer this morning is either you talk to me or I distance myself from you totally for a month or two. I pointed out later that was not a fair option and it was also a threat. He stated it was fact. Which I know it is. He has gone out now and I am sat in bed crying.

I am dependent on him for my physical health needs.

I have tried to talk. Now he is saying he has done it my way so he is going to do it his.

 

[royinpink]

I tend to just keep things going as normal and the row passes.

Last night we had another one. I melted down and went to bed. His answer this morning is either you talk to me or I distance myself from you totally for a month or two. I pointed out later that was not a fair option and it was also a threat. He stated it was fact. Which I know it is. He has gone out now and I am sat in bed crying.

I am dependent on him for my physical health needs.

I have tried to talk. Now he is saying he has done it my way so he is going to do it his.

Without knowing the details, I can't say much about this particular situation, but I understand that you are hurting. Take care of yourself. Maybe distance could be good? I really think you guys need some help communicating from what you've said. You don't have to do everything alone. Anyway, it's a tough place to be, I know, and I hope things get better for you. You can get through this.

 

[Tom]

We had an argument last night, this morning he has already criticised me and yes I made a mistake, I made a cup of tea but for some stupid reason I left the tea bag in. I was trying to make things right with the cup of tea but he just said 'you left the tea bag in' .

If it was just a friend, I would have reached in the cup with my hand and pulled out the teabag and said 'There. All fixed.' But I wouldn't dare do that with my wife! She might grab my hand and hold it in there.

Arguments and getting an attitude are pretty natural. Avoiding arguments by careful consideration of each other's feelings and perspective is usually unnatural after the honeymoon period. If you can, work towards the unnatural. But it has to be mutual and is difficult. Success, even only partial success is very worth it however.