Aspie Mom

[goldenevie316]

I tried googling 'launching aspie' to see what would come up...

I was imagining young children wearing superhero costumes, astride large cardboard rockets heading for the moon.

It turns out there's a surprising amount of 'failure to launch' themed articles relating to young adults failing to 'launch' into adulthood/independent living.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michael-ascher-md/failure-to-launch-syndrom_b_6709206.html

Very helpful article !! Thanks so much.

 

[goldenevie316]

Like it or not, we all need role models.

If he could see another man his age meeting similar challenges, it would help.

Well it is tricky because he is very judgmental . My friend has a son with challenges who went to a doctor, got meds and is thriving in his new, very well- paying job. My son thinks this other boy is an idiot for " poisoning " himself with meds and just thinks the boy is a total loser. My son's opinions revolve around his own narrow beliefs.

 

[goldenevie316]

Welcome!!! As you can see from some of the responses, we are an interesting bunch here; this is also a great community, so I'm certain you'll find the answers you're looking for. So, browse around, pick some brains, and make some new friends along the way.

Yes, I will. Thanks so much.

 

[goldenevie316]

Hi & Welcome
'Launching' struck me as humorous too. I guess its the new 'leaving the nest'. Then again there is always the ol 'Blow em out the airlock' trick.

yes, haha

 

[goldenevie316]

Hi goldenevie316 , and welcome

Hopefully you'll be able to find some info and get some advice to help

yes it is already very helpful.

 

[goldenevie316]

I didn't think use of the word 'launch' was humorous.
I didn't think my questions were particularly either.
I was not being merely literal.
I did not suppose he was to be flung from a trebuchet.

I asked where the boy was to be launched, how he was to be launched,
and in what direction.

These questions are pertinent. It makes a difference. If the answers
were "High society, ball, toward a potential bride," that's one concept. "Job
market, middle level management, away from,' differs from "Job market,
middle level management, toward,' and from 'Job level, entry level data entry,
charm school for IT." Etc.

Simple questions that can't be answered with a yes or no prompt
the most discussion, I have found.

Yes thanks so much for clarifying. You are right. He needs to find an entry level job, but he has so many stipulations, that it is exhausting. I posted more yesterday at 1 pm. I appreciate your details. The problem is that he shows very little interest in anything or he jumps around such as one day he is moving to Florida and the next day California . And he will stop smoking pot for 4 monthes and get only a temp job then quit the job and get right back w his drug dealer friends. I get to where I feel like I can't cope, but yet I have always been his main lifeline. So then I feel like I must stay strong for him. He knows if he starts pot again he has to move.

 

[Rayner]

When I was nearly years younger than your son I left home and it was sink or swim. Do you have guardianship over you're son?


I will tell you must be a saint because if was 25 and still living at home. My Parnets would be shooting though the walls.

Yes thanks so much for clarifying. You are right. He needs to find an entry level job, but he has so many stipulations, that it is exhausting. I posted more yesterday at 1 pm. I appreciate your details. The problem is that he shows very little interest in anything or he jumps around such as one day he is moving to Florida and the next day California . And he will stop smoking pot for 4 monthes and get only a temp job then quit the job and get right back w his drug dealer friends. I get to where I feel like I can't cope, but yet I have always been his main lifeline. So then I feel like I must stay strong for him. He knows if he starts pot again he has to move.

 

[WereBear]

Well it is tricky because he is very judgmental . My friend has a son with challenges who went to a doctor, got meds and is thriving in his new, very well- paying job. My son thinks this other boy is an idiot for " poisoning " himself with meds and just thinks the boy is a total loser. My son's opinions revolve around his own narrow beliefs.

I'm picking up a lot of defensiveness on his part? It is not an easy task for anyone to adapt to the outside world, which makes little sense to anyone at times. Yet he seems to regard everyone who does as someone worthy of scorn?

The large amount of smoking might be a stress reducer for him and I am sure he can use one if his standards are so narrow and his outside abilities so few. He doesn't see a way past these barriers so he scorns the task.

It doesn't mean he can't do it, though. It just means it is not nearly as simple as it might look from the outside.

And you should also consider your needs. You need to launch your child into the adult world; where people are self-supporting. You need to see him happier and more productive than he is now. You need to see him make his way in the world.

I sense you are worried about him. I don't blame you for worrying. But I can also say, from my side, that he worries about this too. That he doesn't see a way out. There is incredible stress here and he is coping as best he can.

There is a creative solution that will make both of you happy. But it will not -- NOT -- be any kind of conventional path. He has already been looking at those and it is part of his despair and stress. But the world has never been more welcome to people who work at home on computers, and this often falls into an Aspie skill set. Not just computer coding, but managing social media, creating consumable content like writing or video, doing chat and email tech support; there are many ways now.

He needs a challenge. Perhaps this can be one

 

[tree]

He knows if he starts pot again he has to move.

Apparently, marijuana use is not legal where you live.

People use marijuana to change the way they feel.
It would appear your son is not satisfied with the way
he feels, generally.

If it is not physical pain he is seeking to relieve, it is
some sort of emotional discomfort. Smoking weed
may be reducing anxiety for him.

What sort of counseling has he received, medical and/or
psychological?

 

[Elemental]

Welcome to Central goldenevie316 In some respects I feel like a vintage version of your son, as certainly at times, I favored medicinal marijuana over previously prescribed medications for anxiety-depression. Also, I can give short shrift to people who's viewpoints I find it hard to comprehend. I hope he finds absorbing stuff to do, which he enjoys...if he can make a living from an interest or hobby-based activity, it might really suit??

 

[goldenevie316]

Apparently, marijuana use is not legal where you live.

People use marijuana to change the way they feel.
It would appear your son is not satisfied with the way
he feels, generally.

If it is not physical pain he is seeking to relieve, it is
some sort of emotional discomfort. Smoking weed
may be reducing anxiety for him.

What sort of counseling has he received, medical and/or
psychological?

He at present refuses any counseling. He scoffs at it and finds it ridiculous.

 

[goldenevie316]

When I was nearly years younger than your son I left home and it was sink or swim. Do you have guardianship over you're son?


I will tell you must be a saint because if was 25 and still living at home. My Parnets would be shooting though the walls.

well he is a young man living at home. I dont know about guardianship, sorry.

 

[goldenevie316]

Welcome to Central goldenevie316 In some respects I feel like a vintage version of your son, as certainly at times, I favored medicinal marijuana over previously prescribed medications for anxiety-depression. Also, I can give short shrift to people who's viewpoints I find it hard to comprehend. I hope he finds absorbing stuff to do, which he enjoys...if he can make a living from an interest or hobby-based activity, it might really suit??

yes it would be wonderful.

 

[goldenevie316]

I'm picking up a lot of defensiveness on his part? It is not an easy task for anyone to adapt to the outside world, which makes little sense to anyone at times. Yet he seems to regard everyone who does as someone worthy of scorn?

The large amount of smoking might be a stress reducer for him and I am sure he can use one if his standards are so narrow and his outside abilities so few. He doesn't see a way past these barriers so he scorns the task.

It doesn't mean he can't do it, though. It just means it is not nearly as simple as it might look from the outside.

And you should also consider your needs. You need to launch your child into the adult world; where people are self-supporting. You need to see him happier and more productive than he is now. You need to see him make his way in the world.

I sense you are worried about him. I don't blame you for worrying. But I can also say, from my side, that he worries about this too. That he doesn't see a way out. There is incredible stress here and he is coping as best he can.




There is a creative solution that will make both of you happy. But it will not -- NOT -- be any kind of conventional path. He has already been looking at those and it is part of his despair and stress. But the world has never been more welcome to people who work at home on computers, and this often falls into an Aspie skill set. Not just computer coding, but managing social media, creating consumable content like writing or video, doing chat and email tech support; there are many ways now.

He needs a challenge. Perhaps this can be one

Yes he does need a challenge. He has been depressed and called himself a failure and a loser. It breaks my heart to hear that kind of talk. I want him to stay optimistic but it is difficult. He is very negative. He could very easily write or do anything really but he doesn't want to . He just needs a chance. I would love for him to be interested in something.

 

[Rayner]

I'm not sure where you're from. Let me ask you this, do you still have paternal rights to make decisions for him?

well he is a young man living at home. I dont know about guardianship, sorry.

 

[goldenevie316]

I'm not sure where you're from. Let me ask you this, do you still have paternal rights to make decisions for him?

No he lives at home but he makes his own decisions. We are in Virginia, the USA

 

[Kari Suttle]

Yes he does need a challenge. He has been depressed and called himself a failure and a loser. It breaks my heart to hear that kind of talk. I want him to stay optimistic but it is difficult. He is very negative. He could very easily write or do anything really but he doesn't want to . He just needs a chance. I would love for him to be interested in something.

Depressed, loser, failure...wait. Perhaps its not that he doesn't want to try - like he's lazy or unmotivated or whatnot - but that he simply doesn't have the confidence necessary for it. Perhaps he doesn't think he can so there's no point in trying to begin with - its called learned helplessness. What angle are you approaching this from as a parent? Sorry if you've stated this before, its just if this applies to him in any way then how you're approaching it really makes a difference. From the angle of that pits the blame solely on your child's labelled negative characteristics (ex from my mom - lazy, selfish, etc), or from a more sympathetic, understanding angle? If he thinks you won't listen or will reject his side of the story that might hinder things as well. His scorn of others, whether its natural or learned, might just be his way of dealing with it all. He knows he's a failure by society's standards, it sounds like, but he's gotta have some way to falsly build up his self image. I'm not a guy so maybe i'm talking nonsense here, but it strikes me that perhaps his judgemental attitude is just as much a defense mechanism as it is actual judgementalness, if not moreso.

 

[goldenevie316]

Depressed, loser, failure...wait. Perhaps its not that he doesn't want to try - like he's lazy or unmotivated or whatnot - but that he simply doesn't have the confidence necessary for it. Perhaps he doesn't think he can so there's no point in trying to begin with - its called learned helplessness. What angle are you approaching this from as a parent? Sorry if you've stated this before, its just if this applies to him in any way then how you're approaching it really makes a difference. From the angle of that pits the blame solely on your child's labelled negative characteristics (ex from my mom - lazy, selfish, etc), or from a more sympathetic, understanding angle? If he thinks you won't listen or will reject his side of the story that might hinder things as well. His scorn of others, whether its natural or learned, might just be his way of dealing with it all. He knows he's a failure by society's standards, it sounds like, but he's gotta have some way to falsly build up his self image. I'm not a guy so maybe i'm talking nonsense here, but it strikes me that perhaps his judgemental attitude is just as much a defense mechanism as it is actual judgementalness, if not moreso.

I think that is definitely true. He doesn't try and he acts like he is so cool and they are all jerks, but several days later in our private talks, he will admit that he was not brave enough to do something. We count little small victories though because a friend of his invited him to his showing at an art gallery and I NEVER thought my son would go yet he was able to go alone, and my husband and I were so happy. Of course my husband thinks they do pot and lsd but I know my son only likes pot and he is not doing it right now. In our country , even if it is legal in your state, which it is not in ours, they still don't have to hire you if you test positive for weed and they can fire you because even if it is legal in your state, it is illegal on the Federal level. It is very confusing.