Aspie overload - how to help

[Judge]

I don't suffer fools very well and I used to work in Information Technology. It never bothered me to help people with their problems. What really irritated me to no end was to have the people that I am trying to help out, telling me how to do my job, what steps I should take, or whine and complain to me. To me a fool is someone who tells me how to do my job when they needed my help to do theirs. I don't want to hear the whining and if you knew how to fix the problem, you wouldn't be calling me for help. If the person leaves me alone to work on it, I not only get the problem solved faster, I don't mind coming back to them when they need help.

I am also not a very patient person and IT typically requires a lot of patience. I remember getting home at the end of the day just exhausted and wore out from people. It will be good to go back to driving for a living and not having to provide customer service beyond getting my deliveries on time. IT isn't a good career for introverts and for people on the spectrum with sensory overload issues. Only took me 16 years to figure it out ....

Good points. Critical ones for so many of us on the spectrum. Where one should investigate occupations in great detail if their goal is to minimize interactions with others.

I loved my brief career as a website designer. However even then I couldn't escape routine meetings and inevitable interactions between the IT and marketing divisions.

 

[DaRKMsOul18]

My cases?

When I get overloaded, not anger issue, it's different....

Example: certain classes is a perfect example of this.

For some reason I had an overload, reason is still unknown, anyway, basically I couldn't pay attention the whole class and I gave up pretty much and I did some stupid things, this was a story.

It depends how I deal with it in certain situations, I pretty much drop out of any conversation with anyone, because of social awkwardness, Asperger's isn't a learning Disability, it's a social disability. ADHD keeps me from learning easily though.

Receiving any math homework also makes my stress levels go up...

having ADHD makes it worse.

 

[OlLiE]

leave him alone, he'll come out when he is ready,

BUT

he is probably aware that people don't really understand his need to be alone
he probably understands his behaviour van be seen as offensive, esp to a partner
he is probably aware that by trying to be alone, he may be upsetting you

so tell him you understand, and tell him to take his time, in the end:
- he'll feel better because you have been understanding and nice to him
- he'll probably appreciate it and be more understanding when you need something
- he'll probably come out of it sooner

 

[Bella Pines]

I don't think by bf has much of a clue, honestly... It helps to know there is some stressor triggering it rather than him just being a jerk or me automatically taking it personally

My husband could have written this word for word!

It's funny that you mention that, when you do want to talk, it isn't for reassurance or understanding (which is what we NT's are looking for), but more solution-oriented feedback. It does make sense and is very in line with what I know about my bf.

Yes definitely. I don't really seek reassurance, and I don't communicate for the sake of communicating. I do like solution oriented feedback and occasionally look for a contrasting opinion or an objective point of view.

Do you think your study of neuroscience has helped you with understanding yourself and others? Sounds intriguing.

What are you an aspie whisperer now? Saying things like "sounds intriguing" is like catnip to a tiger! If you identified an aspie special interest and said this you'll open the flood gates to hours of monologuing!

But yes, it does help. I started when I got post natal depression after my 2nd child. I spent 8 months experiencing emotions and doing things like crying and sharing my feelings. It was exhausting. I once told my husband "oh my gosh, this must be what it feels like to be you, how do you cope?". But then that led me to trying to understand brain circuits, they are pretty much like electric circuits. I think breast feeding and hormones enhanced certain areas for a time. But I also did some research into the circuit for febrile convulsions, my 1st child used to have these. I theorized that his circuit around temperature and muscle tremors was faulty. One day I'd like to quit office work and look into this.

 

[paloftoon]

In addition, you can do other things to distract yourself from bothering him such as chores or watching your favorite tv show in another room. But if he wants to follow you and be part of it, then that's great too!

 

[sisselcakes]

My husband could have written this word for word!



Yes definitely. I don't really seek reassurance, and I don't communicate for the sake of communicating. I do like solution oriented feedback and occasionally look for a contrasting opinion or an objective point of view.



What are you an aspie whisperer now? Saying things like "sounds intriguing" is like catnip to a tiger! If you identified an aspie special interest and said this you'll open the flood gates to hours of monologuing!

But yes, it does help. I started when I got post natal depression after my 2nd child. I spent 8 months experiencing emotions and doing things like crying and sharing my feelings. It was exhausting. I once told my husband "oh my gosh, this must be what it feels like to be you, how do you cope?". But then that led me to trying to understand brain circuits, they are pretty much like electric circuits. I think breast feeding and hormones enhanced certain areas for a time. But I also did some research into the circuit for febrile convulsions, my 1st child used to have these. I theorized that his circuit around temperature and muscle tremors was faulty. One day I'd like to quit office work and look into this.

"It was exhausting. I once told my husband "oh my gosh, this must be what it feels like to be you, how do you cope?". You were probably on target with that one!"

And, yes I am an aspie whisperer. At least, that's what I aspire to be. Only thing that makes my relationship work because my bf certainly isn't an NT whisperer. I can tell you that.

You should totally work in neuroscience if that's your passion!

 

[sisselcakes]

In addition, you can do other things to distract yourself from bothering him such as chores or watching your favorite tv show in another room. But if he wants to follow you and be part of it, then that's great too!

Yeah, I notice he seems to be more content when I'm just present, even if doing my own thing. Of course this is something I infer. I'm not sure because he isn't very expressive, but it's just a sense I get. Plus he has told me that he (this sounds corny) feels loved by sharing quality time with someone. (Had to pull that one out of him with a questionnaire. LOL)

I just wish he would stop doing this damn contract work because he doesn't need the money! He does it out of fear as a back up to his current gig. He's terrified that his internet business will crash, even though the likelihood is EXTREMELY small. He would be more likely to get fired from a job than his internet business going down.

It's funny because I kind of gave him a lecture last night about how irrational his fears are and I think he should give up the contract work, outlining the logical reasons. I'd be PISSED if anyone did that to me. I just want them to sit and validate my point of view, but he seemed to listen (because I'm right, of course) and wasn't offended at all.

 

[Rayner]

Your boyfriend and I are like in that we aren't very expressive. Expressing to my girlfriend ways that she can be supportive can be a challenge. I find that her just laying or sitting next to me soothing.

Your boyfriends irrational fear of his business failing is something that I imagine on some level every business owner has. For what

Yeah, I notice he seems to be more content when I'm just present, even if doing my own thing. Of course this is something I infer. I'm not sure because he isn't very expressive, but it's just a sense I get. Plus he has told me that he (this sounds corny) feels loved by sharing quality time with someone. (Had to pull that one out of him with a questionnaire. LOL)

I just wish he would stop doing this damn contract work because he doesn't need the money! He does it out of fear as a back up to his current gig. He's terrified that his internet business will crash, even though the likelihood is EXTREMELY small. He would be more likely to get fired from a job than his internet business going down.

It's funny because I kind of gave him a lecture last night about how irrational his fears are and I think he should give up the contract work, outlining the logical reasons. I'd be PISSED if anyone did that to me. I just want them to sit and validate my point of view, but he seemed to listen (because I'm right, of course) and wasn't offended at all.

 

[WereBear]

 

[paloftoon]

. . .

I just wish he would stop doing this damn contract work because he doesn't need the money! He does it out of fear as a back up to his current gig. He's terrified that his internet business will crash, even though the likelihood is EXTREMELY small. He would be more likely to get fired from a job than his internet business going down.

It's funny because I kind of gave him a lecture last night about how irrational his fears are and I think he should give up the contract work, outlining the logical reasons. I'd be PISSED if anyone did that to me. I just want them to sit and validate my point of view, but he seemed to listen (because I'm right, of course) and wasn't offended at all.

I got to stop you here. It doesn't matter whether the reasoning is extremely small or no good one at all. It doesn't hurt to have more than one job and it looks good on a resume. If he feels comfortable doing extra work, let him. Support his decisions and help him make it work. Don't hinder him. It''s not always amount economics or time 100%. There is a different kind of emotion and feeling that you have to let him feel and express in his own way, and in this case, it's taking on this extra contract work.

Let him have his own identity. It's hard enough that people give people like him and myself (and maybe you too) a barrier just because of a "label." Heck, I get judged by parents of other aspies like I never will amount to them or their class even though I probably do more than some of those parents ironically. I don't like that feeling of not fitting in the real world and aspie world enough but I'm not sacrificing my accomplishments just to dumb myself down for nothing.

When you try to tell him all these reasons not do to his extra contract work, you're affecting his identity. As long as he can still function in life well enough with you and managing other things around your residence and such, there is nothing wrong with this extra contract work. This may be his outlet to relieve stress (even if the work itself is stressful). I do the same thing with ride sharing- it's not my main job, and it can actually be very stressful, especially in the city. But, I love it and the stress usually doesn't get to me much and helps relieve me more.

What I have to be careful of is how it may affect my sleep though. . .

 

[sisselcakes]

leave him alone, he'll come out when he is ready,

BUT

he is probably aware that people don't really understand his need to be alone
he probably understands his behaviour van be seen as offensive, esp to a partner
he is probably aware that by trying to be alone, he may be upsetting you

so tell him you understand, and tell him to take his time, in the end:
- he'll feel better because you have been understanding and nice to him
- he'll probably appreciate it and be more understanding when you need something
- he'll probably come out of it sooner

Nice practical advice. I think you are right about giving the feedback about needing to decompress and I understand. I don't want to add to his pressure.

 

[sisselcakes]

I got to stop you here. It doesn't matter whether the reasoning is extremely small or no good one at all. It doesn't hurt to have more than one job and it looks good on a resume. If he feels comfortable doing extra work, let him. Support his decisions and help him make it work. Don't hinder him. It''s not always amount economics or time 100%. There is a different kind of emotion and feeling that you have to let him feel and express in his own way, and in this case, it's taking on this extra contract work.

Let him have his own identity. It's hard enough that people give people like him and myself (and maybe you too) a barrier just because of a "label." Heck, I get judged by parents of other aspies like I never will amount to them or their class even though I probably do more than some of those parents ironically. I don't like that feeling of not fitting in the real world and aspie world enough but I'm not sacrificing my accomplishments just to dumb myself down for nothing.

When you try to tell him all these reasons not do to his extra contract work, you're affecting his identity. As long as he can still function in life well enough with you and managing other things around your residence and such, there is nothing wrong with this extra contract work. This may be his outlet to relieve stress (even if the work itself is stressful). I do the same thing with ride sharing- it's not my main job, and it can actually be very stressful, especially in the city. But, I love it and the stress usually doesn't get to me much and helps relieve me more.

What I have to be careful of is how it may affect my sleep though. . .

Well, on top of your point that it is good to have a back up in terms of another job opportunity, the bottom line is if it stresses someone out to rely on only one source of income, it's a legitimate concern. So, even if it's irrational to me, it's very real to him. I'll also admit, this is all partially selfish because our relationship is better when he's not stressed out.

Thank you for giving me additional insight. You made some good points here.

 

[Breezy19]

i dont know what will work for him but for me when im overwhelmed or exhausted from a hard day i just want to beleft alone to listen to music or relax