Aspies & bereavement

[Anneb68]

Sorry for the mega morbid thread on a Friday evening!!

But the ‘what makes you feel loved’ thread was an interesting read for me, because it’s usually the NT half of the relationship talking about how they struggle to feel loved or heard by their aspie. So hearing some aspie viewpoints on what makes them feel loved was an interesting comparison.

So I wanted to have a similar conversation about death. Not so much what people think about death and whether they fear it, but how they process the emotions surrounding the death of another. I know a few NTs who say that their aspie partners struggle to support them after close family/friend bereavements, but I’ve also known aspies who breakdown at seeing someone they love grieve.

What about first hand grief? How does everyone process those emotions? Do you call upon others for support or push them away during these times?

I can give you the perspective of a non-aspie living with an aspie. When my father died, I called my then partner to tell him. It is important to know that, at the time, I had no idea he may have Asperger's. It had just happened, a few minutes earlier, my father was in the house and I was traumatised because he died pretty much in my arms.
When I told my partner, he burst into tears, he cried within seconds. "I am so so sorry for you!". I ended having to reassure him. A couple of minutes later he said "Let me know when the funeral is and I'll come". Now, I think someone "normal" would have come straight away to support me. Later that week, I phoned him to say that funeral would be on Friday. He called back, having booked a train ticket, arriving on Thursday afternoon and leaving on Sunday afternoon "because he had a meeting on the Monday". Again, I would have liked his company a bit longer than that.
A few days later as I was finding it extremely difficult to cope, I was exhausted caring for my elderly mother on my own, as well as mourning my Dad. I called him for help and asked whether he would come to help me.
Him: "No, I won't come".
Me: "Why?"
Him: "Because I don;t want to"
Me: "..."
...
Me: "This year I will spend Christmas with my mother and family. Will you come with me?"
Him: "No. It is going to be morose and I don't want to be there".

I felt terrible. He never called back, never apologized. When I raises the subject months later, he said he'd done nothing wrong. I ended the relationship because this is perceived as an extremely unkind and unacceptable behaviour.

Today, I can see that he could not cope. The fact that he first burst into tears probably shows that. He didn't expect that news and was taken by surprise, so he had no mechanism in place to manage it. Then he started a self-protection attitude. I am only guessing here. As to not understanding that he did was wrong I think that's it: he simply didn't understand that what he did was wrong.

 

[Progster]

I can give you the perspective of a non-aspie living with an aspie. When my father died, I called my then partner to tell him. It is important to know that, at the time, I had no idea he may have Asperger's. It had just happened, a few minutes earlier, my father was in the house and I was traumatised because he died pretty much in my arms.
When I told my partner, he burst into tears, he cried within seconds. "I am so so sorry for you!". I ended having to reassure him. A couple of minutes later he said "Let me know when the funeral is and I'll come". Now, I think someone "normal" would have come straight away to support me. Later that week, I phoned him to say that funeral would be on Friday. He called back, having booked a train ticket, arriving on Thursday afternoon and leaving on Sunday afternoon "because he had a meeting on the Monday". Again, I would have liked his company a bit longer than that.
A few days later as I was finding it extremely difficult to cope, I was exhausted caring for my elderly mother on my own, as well as mourning my Dad. I called him for help and asked whether he would come to help me.
Him: "No, I won't come".
Me: "Why?"
Him: "Because I don;t want to"
Me: "..."
...
Me: "This year I will spend Christmas with my mother and family. Will you come with me?"
Him: "No. It is going to be morose and I don't want to be there".

I felt terrible. He never called back, never apologized. When I raises the subject months later, he said he'd done nothing wrong. I ended the relationship because this is perceived as an extremely unkind and unacceptable behaviour.

Today, I can see that he could not cope. The fact that he first burst into tears probably shows that. He didn't expect that news and was taken by surprise, so he had no mechanism in place to manage it. Then he started a self-protection attitude. I am only guessing here. As to not understanding that he did was wrong I think that's it: he simply didn't understand that what he did was wrong.

He was being honest about his feelings.

People with Asperger's often find situations of grief difficult, because they are overwhelmed by the emotions of others, or because they don't know what to say or how to comfort people, and feel awkward, so they avoid being around people who are grieving. It's not because they don't care, but because they can't cope. People with Asperger's do care, but they don't always show it in the expected, socially conventional way.

He was not experiencing what you were experiencing. He doesn't know what you want or need unless you tell him directly.

I'm sorry that you had this negative experience.

 

[Anneb68]

He was being honest about his feelings.

People with Asperger's often find situations of grief difficult, because they are overwhelmed by the emotions of others, or because they don't know what to say or how to comfort people, and feel awkward, so they avoid being around people who are grieving. It's not because they don't care, but because they can't cope. People with Asperger's do care, but they don't always show it in the expected, socially conventional way.

He was not experiencing what you were experiencing. He doesn't know what you want or need unless you tell him directly.

I'm sorry that you had this negative experience.

Yes, I did realise that later on when I was told he may have Asperger's. It's a shame I didn't know because I would have reacted differently.

 

[tducey]

I don't cry usually when someone I know dies. I feel sadness and a bit empty when someone I know passes on but I usually don't cry.