At what point do you make your exit after a conversation?

[Heidi M.]

Though I've been told so many times, that I just walk away in the middle of a conversation, I never understood this. To me, we stopped talking, the conversation is over and we go about our day. Now I live w/2 housemates that are very kind and get a long well, but they tell me i just 'leave'. I don't understand this. Don't we have other things to do than spend all day talking? haha I have my art, reading, star trek, being in nature, making my food.. i mean there are things to do that I enjoy and fill my day.

I do enjoy connection w/others and talking about real things, but then doesn't the conversation end? and you move on? I have learned over the years to try and linger, but i guess only a few seconds probably in reality.. and I have learned to say 'well i'm going to..... go eat, go nap, go now.. say something so they know i am exiting this moment (usually to be alone). Even doing that seems to be too abrupt or something. I feel so confused.

It's actually a bit upsetting too, because I feel I am going out of my way ..in my day.. just to say hi and talk about whatever they want to say/talk about. It usually is what I, at least, consider small talk but sometimes it's that middle ground... not small talk but not interesting either and I do try to listen and help w/whatever they're needing. I like to help people actually. So I'm going out of my way to care but my feedback is that it's not enough i guess, or i am just leaving. Hmm maybe people just like to hang out all day and I need to chill, and do that. I don't know. There are so many fun things i like to do in each day.

Anyway, i'm rambling now. My question is about how do you know a conversation is over and how do you make an exit that isn't going to be weird or bother people. I suppose on some level, I should practice the philosophy of Stoicism (Marcus Aurelius) and not worry about what other people feel about my actions. But I don't want to be rude or cause discomfort...and i do want to connect and get along.

I'm not sure this made much sense, but
.. thanks for listening

 

[Slim Jim]

After you've heard enough, or the police arrive.

 

[Aspychata]

I have had this said about me. I usually leave if l feel uncomfortable. My mom just said this about me at a breakfast meetup, but the tables were so close and l felt claustrophobic. Lol.
Just announce your intention of things you need to do. Great catching up, l need to eat , or brush my teeth, or make a phone call or l need to leave right now. Just state your intention to leave, or need to leave.

 

[Rodafina]

I absolutely have the same problem and understand you perfectly well. Unfortunately, I have no advice, but I am looking forward to reading your other responses, looking for help with this too!

I’ve gotten to the point where I end most conversations with “OK, are we done?” But then it sort of feels like I am asking permission to leave every conversation, so I feel trapped and resent people for daring to speak to me at all.

 

[Slime_Punk]

I know I'm a jerk, but if someone had a problem with me giving them my attention while I was passing through and they were upset with what they were getting, I'd have to throw some earplugs in or noise-cancelling headphones on from that day forward. "Sorry to disrupt your day, you won't hear a peep out of me".

I don't advise anybody does this, because you'd be a jerk, but I would

 

[Slime_Punk]

After you've heard enough, or the police arrive.

Where's that 'metal sign' emote when you need it?

 

[Heidi M.]

I know I'm a jerk, but if someone had a problem with me giving them my attention while I was passing through and they were upset with what they were getting, I'd have to throw some earplugs in or noise-cancelling headphones on from that day forward. "Sorry to disrupt your day, you won't hear a peep out of me".

I don't advise anybody does this, because you'd be a jerk, but I would

i think what you're saying is similar to the philosophy of Stoicism.. not letting others upset us or let them change who we are to please them (?) doing what we need to do. What is being a jerk really mean? That it is offending others? But isn't that their responsibility on some level, how THEY react. It's all a bit confusing to me, but i don't let it get to me too much

 

[Slim Jim]

Where's that 'metal sign' emote when you need it?

We got Gifs now...much better

 

[Slime_Punk]

i think what you're saying is similar to the philosophy of Stoicism.. not letting others upset us or let them change who we are to please them (?) doing what we need to do. What is being a jerk really mean? That it is offending others? But isn't that their responsibility on some level, how THEY react. It's all a bit confusing to me, but i don't let it get to me too much

I would think it's more along the lines of them trying to dictate how you spend your time with them, which is just kind of crossing the line, everyone should be free to do what they want. But then for them to get mad because you didn't spend enough time with them is an extremely babyish type of behavior, unless you're really doing something to offend them (which by the sounds of it, you are not).

My personal issue with stoicism is that I can think everything to death and everything eventually turns into a paradox in my brain, so I have a really hard time knowing which is which. Most NTs are better at the 'tend and befriend' game, so I would come off as cold in that scenario, when really I'd just be indifferent. So you are definitely correct.

 

[Heidi M.]

My personal issue with stoicism is that I can think everything to death and everything eventually turns into a paradox in my brain, so I have a really hard time knowing which is which

i feel the same!!!... so these concepts can only takes me so far and then become meaningless and confusing
In fact most things a NT therapist would tell me.. it would crumble in my brain into a million pieces and be meaningless.

 

[LadyS]

I guess it's called playing "Conversation Hostage". Wait until dismissed by others. I now usually just wait until others are silent for more than a few seconds before leaving or changing topics. But I've also found that most people don't usually look into it too much themselves.. they go with the flow as well.

 

[Slim Jim]

I am a pretty abrupt person. But At the same time, can be polite too, so yeah pacing , timing...is just something you have to get a feel of...

It was nice talking to you.
Okay, I gotta go now.
Well it's time I was on my way....


Something like that. Can always give a reason too. I'm going now...."Because I've got to be at [x] by [x] o clock.."because it's getting dark...Because I've stayed too long.." "Because I've got to do this now.." etc

Not an expert. But I notice NTs have the patterns all down. They're almost robotic, with it. Cliche machines. I generally don't like small talk. I like to just get straight to the point.

 

[Dime]

this Is so me I developed a really bad habit of literally just walking away as I’m talking. I make it seem cool, like I’m pre occupied or getting ready to do something, I’ll walk backwards as I’m talking to try to make it look like I want to continue but something’s pulling me away, and I try to make it a closed-ended response so that as I’m walking away once the last word comes out, not only should the person not have anything to say but even if they did I’m probably already too far away, and even if I wasn’t I’d just pretend not to hear. (Obviously this doesn’t ALWAYS work like if your in a smaller area when you both know you can hear them fine)

this literally seems like it’s so messed up, but I have to remind myself of just how lost and exposed and uncertain I feel in situations where I’d have to stay and find more things to talk about. Unless it’s stuff I’m interested in I wont be able to keep up conversation, and that makes me feel so uncomfortable, usually because I don’t think I can keep up with pretending to be interested, and I promise you, if I don’t have an interest in it, my mind will go blank and I will have absolutely nothing to say in return. This is when I fall back on generic reactions like “oh wow,” or “that’s crazy” or “really” or just nodding and waiting for them to continue. And this isn’t all the time either, it really does depend on the day, the place, the person or people, and my confidence level.

 

[Heidi M.]

I am a pretty abrupt person. But At the same time, can be polite too, so yeah pacing , timing...is just something you have to get a feel of...

It was nice talking to you.
Okay, I gotta go now.
Well it's time I was on my way....


Something like that. Can always give a reason too. I'm going now...."Because I've got to be at [x] by [x] o clock.."because it's getting dark...Because I've stayed too long.." "Because I've got to do this now.." etc

Not an expert. But I notice NTs have the patterns all down. They're almost robotic, with it. Cliche machines. I generally don't like small talk. I like to just get straight to the point.

thanks..i agree and will actually try this.. however i feel like the words won't easily flow out because it feels so 'fakey' haha It's like i need to just say a lot more words that relate my upcoming departure. haha But i suppose we walk a fine line of using the NT scripts or just being seemingly weird or rude..

the damage being less connection vs more energy drain, if that makes sense.

 

[Heidi M.]

Unless it’s stuff I’m interested in I wont be able to keep up conversation, and that makes me feel so uncomfortable, usually because I don’t think I can keep up with pretending to be interested, and I promise you, if I don’t have an interest in it, my mind will go blank and I will have absolutely nothing to say in return. This is when I fall back on generic reactions like “oh wow,” or “that’s crazy” or “really” or just nodding and waiting for them to continue. And this isn’t all the time either, it really does depend on the day, the place, the person or people, and my confidence level.

yes! .... i know this..i do the same! thanks for responding..it is so helpful to see this and all the others replies... the feeling of being understood is of great benefit, and sometimes i can't quite put into words what is happening or what i'm feeling.... and then someone else (here) does it and well, that's a great feeling.

 

[Slim Jim]

this Is so me I developed a really bad habit of literally just walking away as I’m talking. I make it seem cool, like I’m pre occupied or getting ready to do something,

I like to just blankout, stare into space, stare past them....sometimes. It has become a bad habit.

But I never really run out of things to say. Only you , know if, if it's a woman I really like, then I might get nervous, or more self-conscious. Kinda not really know what to say next. I think they call that 'choking.'

Yeah, it's like if you;re talking to one woman, who's moderately, good looking, so you're not intimidated, but, another girl is the corner whos' really good looking...And I'll keep glancing, well I might not approach her....thats what I mean self-conscious. I think if you find somebody really attractive, you might be intimidated, is that so? Or something I've just imagined, made up in my head.

But apart from stuff like that, Id say I am pretty good, conversationalist most of the time. Without coming off as conceited. IDK,, maybe others have differing opinion on that.

 

[Knower of nothing]

Bless you and all others capable of simply leaving when they want to. Lord knows I can't and it leaves me in exhausting situations for far longer than necessary. Don't worry about it for a second I'd say, they probably just observed your ability to do so and will adapt to it.

 

[Dime]

I like to just blankout, stare into space, stare past them....sometimes. It has become a bad habit.

But I never really run out of things to say. Only you , know if, if it's a woman I really like, then I might get nervous, or more self-conscious. Kinda not really know what to say next. I think they call that 'choking.'

Yeah, it's like if you;re talking to one woman, who's moderately, good looking, so you're not intimidated, but, another girl is the corner whos' really good looking...And I'll keep glancing, well I might not approach her....thats what I mean self-conscious. I think if you find somebody really attractive, you might be intimidated, is that so? Or something I've just imagined, made up in my head.

But apart from stuff like that, Id say I am pretty good, conversationalist most of the time. Without coming off as conceited. IDK,, maybe others have differing opinion on that.

I know what you mean, by choking up. it’s ironic actually because I don’t have as much of an issue talking to goodlooking guys. But the dynamic in that kind of interaction is different for women than for men too I think. Because of my experience and being told so all my life (not trying to brag here just telling the truth lol) I’m a good looking girl, and so most of the time when I’m talking to boys I have to keep that in mind, otherwise I wont take into consideration how I appear to them and thus wont connect the dots or pick up on the flirting or the checking me out. I would think it’s all just normal conversation. What’s bad about this is that I’ll entertain the conversation out of politeness or whatever and they’ll take it the wrong way, so when they finally make a move and It’s met with rejection or a suprised reaction because I literallly didn’t see it coming! Certain types of men get resentful towards women in those situations, and that can be dangerous sometimes. They think that I’m messing with them, but I’m not I have no reason to.

But I also prefer talking to guys over girls because it always seemed easier, and convos just flow better. I grew up with two older brothers so in alot of ways, I would mimic their social responses which made me just seem like a cool down to earth kind of girl, to other guys which is cool I guess. It made conversation with them a lot smoother because I was used to hearing how guys talk watching my brothers and their friends and just tagging along. Also the topics I was into were more commonly shared interests with other guys.

 

[Dime]

yes! .... i know this..i do the same! thanks for responding..it is so helpful to see this and all the others replies... the feeling of being understood is of great benefit, and sometimes i can't quite put into words what is happening or what i'm feeling.... and then someone else (here) does it and well, that's a great feeling.

No thank you for freaking posting!! I made an account on this forum months ago, kind of fell off for a bit and the moment I come back on your post is hitting the hammer right on the nail for me! You are so right , feeling like somebody else understands your unique experience is such a rewarding and comforting thing there’s so many great and kind-hearted ppl on this platform all just wanting to share and learn from others experiences

 

[Atrapa Almas]

At what point do you make your exit after a conversation?​

When I am tired or dont want to continue, I let the other person finish what they was saying. Then I confirm that I understood them and tell them that It was nice talking with then and that I must leave. I let them answer (usually to tell me "Ok, see you later/tomorrow"). So I tell them "See you later/tomorrow" and I leave.

Example:

The other person: ....And then my uncle said bla bla bla bla bla, can you belive it? And I felt like bla bla bla bla and even my sister said I was rigth!

Me: Oh my god! That was so unfair. Im so sorry. I would love to keep talking with you but I must leave.

The other person: Oh, really? I was telling you the nice part now, when the best friend of my sister boyfriend told me about their last vacations...

Me: Yeah! Unfortunately I must leave now, see you tomorrow.

The other person: Oh, well... se you later.


And thats how I do it.