Autism/AS - NT love, is it possible?

[Ereth]

It's not about luck. It's about realizing that what you have is far more precious than what you don't.

 

[apt-get]

My last relationship was with a neurotypical girl, and the only reason it ended was that I discovered that I was gay.

 

[CupcakeQueen]

well you need to stop projecting your past experiences with women onto new ones u meet. i understand how hard it is to let go of bad memories but you are ruining your chances with potentially nice and accepting women. i dont know types are the 'females you want' but you may be focusing too much on looks. lots of guys who are rejected a lot are rejected by physically attractive women and dont realize there are nice down-to-earth girls who would be a great partner, but just are average-looking. another possibility is you have a "type" and keep being drawn to a similar personality type so keep perpetuating the cycle. this is also very common in the dating world...AS or not.

 

[nowwhat]

My last relationship was with a neurotypical girl, and the only reason it ended was that I discovered that I was gay.

Yep, that would do it.

 

[AspieSam]

I've not read all the posts today on this thread, but will soon. The short answer is yes. sorta. An ASPIE and NT without a doubt can love each other. However, an Aspie can't be truly understood and appreciated unconditionally at the deepest level without another Aspie. A level ONLY aware enough two Aspies can EVER truly appreciate or EVER know. This isn't just coming from my own experiences and knowledge. This is fact. And highlighted in more movies, documentaries, speakers talks, TV, ect. Then I could possibly list on this thread.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I've not read all the posts today on this thread, but will soon. The short answer is yes. sorta. An ASPIE and NT without a doubt can love each other. However, an Aspie can't be truly understood and appreciated unconditionally at the deepest level without another Aspie. A level ONLY aware enough two Aspies can EVER truly appreciate or EVER know. This isn't just coming from my own experiences and knowledge. This is fact. And highlighted in more movies, documentaries, speakers talks, TV, ect. Then I could possibly list on this thread.

Yeah, that's kind of my experience. I have met two NTs with whom I think I developed or was starting to develop a real friendship, and who I think both understood me.. both women, I'm a woman too. Never met an NT man like that (even though some say we AS females get along better with men than with women.) Those friendships ended through circumstances, not choice. Never met any NT before or since who has understood and genuinely appreciated me. Although I've met NTs who like me. This is part of why I don't think I'll ever be married, because it's too hard to find an Aspie guy irl. (i know some, but they're taken.) Nor do I plan on being in a romantic relationship, since it would be too painful to be in one with someone who didn't truly "get" me.

 

[Crazi]

yus. it's mainly up to you, the Aspie, though. they (NTs) will never be able to understand your challenges but with effort and a little bit o' luck, you can learn to communicate well, although obviously you are still limited. Communication, I believe is the key to bridging the Autism gap.

 

[Ereth]

I've not read all the posts today on this thread, but will soon. The short answer is yes. sorta. An ASPIE and NT without a doubt can love each other. However, an Aspie can't be truly understood and appreciated unconditionally at the deepest level without another Aspie. A level ONLY aware enough two Aspies can EVER truly appreciate or EVER know. This isn't just coming from my own experiences and knowledge. This is fact. And highlighted in more movies, documentaries, speakers talks, TV, ect. Then I could possibly list on this thread.

You haven't met my boyfriend. And if you can't cite specific data supporting this claim, it's not fact---it's opinion.

 

[Turk]

Yes love can bridge the gap of difference, but its seriously hard work. And although your partner may " get you ", there is more of an emphasis on us fitting their world, than them fitting ours. There is so much, they cant understand, simply cos they cant walk a mile, in our shoes. I find as much as I offend their world, they offend mine. In the end, deep honest communication is the only way to sustain an AS /NT relationship. Entering into a relationship, without honesty, does irreparable damage, to both parties

 

[Ste11aeres]

You haven't met my boyfriend. And if you can't cite specific data supporting this claim, it's not fact---it's opinion.

There are (NT) people who can "get" us. Such as the two women I mentioned in my post, and your boyfriend. As far as a more public figure goes, Dr Tony Atwood is an excellent example.
That being said, such a person is rare in my experience.

 

[Ereth]

I think it's awfully dismissive of NTs to assume that they all, en masse, can't "get" us. That's like any other generalization of any other group. It's fairer, and more accurate, to evaluate on an individual basis.

 

[Andrew Campbell]

I've met only a few NT women who seem to understand. Less NT guys, however. I seem to have the mostest luck with ASD women

 

[AspieSam]

Ereth, I don't know your bf. But, I do know cites on a thread here as proof regardless of if I have them or not. Is inappropropriate. I also know there is different levels of understanding and connecting to someone. And unless your bf is somewhere on the spectrum ( regardless of diagnosis) he can't relate emotionally ( not just book knowledge ) connect with you IN CERTAIN WAYS.

 

[AspieSam]

Tony Attwood gets us somewhat intellectually and our behaviors, etc. without question, I call him an "NT king" for a reason. But, that's not the type of connection I'm speaking of. Nor are certain others either. Ever heard of higher fluid intelligence? If not, go to the characteristics page of help for Asperger's.com and scroll down. Tony Attwood doesn't have that. Aspies do. This isn't a complete explanation of proof. But, like I said. This is a form. Not A novel.

 

[142857]

It is usually going to be much more difficult for the typical shy aspie guy to find a girlfriend. If you spend enough time around aspie forums you will see what I mean.

I could go into the reasons why, but they are pretty obvious. It is much more difficult for a shy aspie guy, for example, than it is for shy NT guy. The shy NT guy still has some basic social instincts to fall back on, he is more likely to be able to tell when a woman is flirting, when a woman is just humouring him, when a woman is showing some interest, etc. Whereas the aspie guy is often simply clueless and has nothing to go on when trying to work out what to do next.

One thing I have noticed is that sometimes we "come into our own" later in life. I was 36 years old when I got my first girlfriend, and that was literally years after I had given up on EVER having a girlfriend. My brother was also in his mid thirties before he worked things out, and he started to do pretty well with girls. I know that this is not much encouragement to someone who is in their mid twenties. And, of course, there is absolutely no guarantee that you will start to do better with a few more years under your belt.

Most advice you get, especially from NTs, is complete and utter rubbish. I was told so many times that if I didn't try to get a girlfriend then I would automatically find one - tried that approach for about 20 years with zero success, thanks very much. I can honestly say that I never got any good advice in that regard. Trying too hard to get a girlfriend is probably not going to work, but you need to get out there and be socially active and make an effort to actually get to know some girls - without putting pressure on yourself that any girl you talk to is a potential girlfriend and you somehow have to "make an impression" and signal your intentions. Just treat them like an interesting person and a step on the ladder to some basic social skills and self confidence, and anything more than that is an absolute bonus.

 

[Ereth]

Ereth, I don't know your bf. But, I do know cites on a thread here as proof regardless of if I have them or not. Is inappropropriate. I also know there is different levels of understanding and connecting to someone. And unless your bf is somewhere on the spectrum ( regardless of diagnosis) he can't relate emotionally ( not just book knowledge ) connect with you IN CERTAIN WAYS.

He's done a wonderful job connecting with me emotionally so far . . . and guess what? He's not on the spectrum.

He's also probably the person who understands me best. I say "probably" because I have other friends---who are also neurotypical, by the way---who relate to me just as well.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I think it's awfully dismissive of NTs to assume that they all, en masse, can't "get" us.

I also know there is different levels of understanding and connecting to someone.

Coming to understand anyone, whether on or off the spectrum, and being understood by them, can be an ongoing (and somewhat imperfect) process for us humans. It isn't just an AS/NT thing, it's a human thing.
What does it mean to understand another person? We can never actually get into someone else's head. But we can come to understand one another in a way that is still very rewarding.

Also, I for one tend to go into self-pity mode quite easily. It's good to remember at such times that the issue isn't just about the NTs in our lives understanding us, but about us understanding them. If we don't get them, that can cause as much pain to them as their misunderstandings cause to us.

I would like to add that it took me years to start to understand my best friend: who is AS. Not that I even understood me myself back then.