Autistic Men and attracting women

[StirnersRevenge]

I think the plight of us autistic men has been ill-addressed by mainstream society, I mean, there are posts here suggesting what I have long suspected, that we easily receive female attention but ONLY from those who we are not attracted to or, in my case, since I've never been attracted to any actual person I've ever met, only when I am not paying attention, wich then begs the question- why is this?

I guess in the age of Feminism when everyone is out looking for the "male gaze" and stomping out "microaggressions," the sexual value of a autistic man goes up? I know there is a tendency to go for dominant partners, eg masculine women who will treat them as differently from their mothers as possible, I wonder the extent to which our condition is worsened by overbearing mothers.

 

[Crossbreed]

I met my wife after I stopped actively looking for one.
She was just a friendship that grew into something more.

 

[StirnersRevenge]

ye

I met my wife after I stopped actively looking for one.
She was just a friendship that grew into something more.

sounds about right. but what I want is sex

 

[aspieoutlaw89]

 

[Nitro]

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

ye


sounds about right. but what I want is sex

Thinking that way I bet you are a chick magnet. Sure you are.

I was so socially and emotionally delayed that I am now happy that I did not experience an intimate relationship before i was prepared to handle one and not just think about my gratification. I had to practice being social which was easy in outdoor activity groups. And I started learning, through dates, the characteristics of a woman I could fall for in terms of character, values and interests. Yet I did not know how to take a relationship to intimacy. Then, I met my spouse as we carpooled to a trail maintenance trip. Having talked a bit prior to setting out she was nice. We had 4 days of shared experiences along the way. The last day was gorgeous and I was falling for her. I went waaaaaaayy past my comfort zone and she accepted me sexually. My life actually changed. I am happy we developed a friendship first and that I honestly let somebody through my physical and emotional boundaries. We are still together 44 years later.

 

[Ronin82]

I'm bisexual, but prefer women over men. So far, my luck getting past friends with women is abysmal. I seem to have better luck getting physical with guys. I'm in a new relationship right now, a cuddle-buddy with benefits sort of thing, and its going REALLY well so far!

Thing is, I still had to do so much work on myself socially before I could get to this point. I'm having to use ALL my social skills to make this work and its new territory for me too. I'm lucky to have found a man who sees ME in all my awkward glory but thinks I'm hot anyhow (go figure). I'm still trying to find a woman, but for now, this works pretty well for scratching the physical itches.

All this to say if you want to find a person to be mutually beneficial with, really hone the social skills and bring something to the table. No woman is going to want to do all the work or be perfect all the time. ALL relationships require communication and compromise, social savvy, and genuine care for others. Good luck!

 

[Ayy]

Being ok with never having sex is the first step to getting some. Don't think of individual women as representatives for a demographic or category but as individuals complete in their own right and you'll find that you will change the way you interact automatically. If you want genuine interaction with adherents of a culture then you have to play by the rules set up by that culture. Also don't confuse horniness with mate finding, the lines are so blurred now that rejection of a sexual proposition is taken as societal rejection of your personality

 

[Kalinychta]

I think the plight of us autistic men has been ill-addressed by mainstream society, I mean, there are posts here suggesting what I have long suspected, that we easily receive female attention but ONLY from those who we are not attracted to or, in my case, since I've never been attracted to any actual person I've ever met, only when I am not paying attention, wich then begs the question- why is this?

I’m not quite sure what you’re saying here. Are you saying that autistic men receive lots of attention from women they’re not attracted to, and in your particular case you do occasionally receive attention from attractive women (but you only realize after the fact that they were interested in you?), but at the end of the day you’ve never actually been attracted to anyone anyway, including to attractive women?

I guess in the age of Feminism when everyone is out looking for the "male gaze" and stomping out "microaggressions," the sexual value of a autistic man goes up? I know there is a tendency to go for dominant partners, eg masculine women who will treat them as differently from their mothers as possible, I wonder the extent to which our condition is worsened by overbearing mothers.

Are you saying that feminism is good for autistic men because it results in women seeking out less “traditionally masculine” types of men e.g. autistic men? And if “masculine women” aren’t overbearing, what are they like?

Sorry, I’m just completely confused by your post.

 

[Kalinychta]

ye


sounds about right. but what I want is sex

I’m confused about this comment as well. In your original post you said you’ve never been attracted to anyone you’ve ever met. Why would someone who’s never been attracted to anyone want to have sex? Isn’t that like saying you want to eat cookies even though you don’t particularly like them much?

 

[Bolletje]

I think you are making some broad (and incorrect) generalizations here, OP. Either that, or I have completely misunderstood what your post is about.

 

[Aspychata]

Can't you entertain yourself? Guys usually have that covered. Some woman have had overbearing fathers, but it doesn't seem to apply that way.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

I think the plight of us autistic men has been ill-addressed by mainstream society, I mean, there are posts here suggesting what I have long suspected, that we easily receive female attention but ONLY from those who we are not attracted to or, in my case, since I've never been attracted to any actual person I've ever met, only when I am not paying attention, wich then begs the question- why is this?

I guess in the age of Feminism when everyone is out looking for the "male gaze" and stomping out "microaggressions," the sexual value of a autistic man goes up? I know there is a tendency to go for dominant partners, eg masculine women who will treat them as differently from their mothers as possible, I wonder the extent to which our condition is worsened by overbearing mothers.

Let me share some of my wisdom with you "bro":

The reason women like us more before they know us, or before we start talking is because they asume we are normal. Woman do care more about social status than men, and choosing a weirdo as partner in life may not be what they have in mind. They may want to rise their children as a respected members of their social groups.

Men may care also about that, typically after they got enougth of their Candy.

I met my wife online, and the only thing she saw of me was a picture. She liked the picture, liked the written talk, made some wrong assumtions and so she did a lovely mistake and tamed me instead of some other poor sould.

Good bless her, she never admit mistakes and here we are with a lovely daugther.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

I don't know about your theories. Everyone is different. Like me, I am autistic, and I am attracted to men who are on the spectrum. I like the strong, quiet, introspective type who is well educated and hard working. Since I am often overstimulated by people, and often verbal communication is difficult, it is nice to know a man that occasionally needs a few days of space too. Although I am very independent, I tend to be submissive in relationships (not in the yucky way) and I like men who take charge. I am very domestic and I enjoy following their lead and doing things around the house to make them happy.

 

[Aspychata]

Let me share some of my wisdom with you "bro":

The reason women like us more before they know us, or before we start talking is because they asume we are normal. Woman do care more about social status than men, and choosing a weirdo as partner in life may not be what they have in mind. They may want to rise their children as a respected members of their social groups.

Men may care also about that, typically after they got enougth of their Candy.

I met my wife online, and the only thing she saw of me was a picture. She liked the picture, liked the written talk, made some wrong assumtions and so she did a lovely mistake and tamed me instead of some other poor sould.

Good bless her, she never admit mistakes and here we are with a lovely daugther.

I like weird. But l think quirky is a less loaded word. Because l am quirky weird myself. But l don't want to tame anyone. I just envision holding a chair and a whip and screaming commands at some guy with his hands over his ears. Can't go there.

Not sure what the plight is of the OP? To much unwanted attention? Doesn't want the relationship, just the benefits package? No judgment here. Lol

 

[Callistemon]

Not sure what the plight is of the OP? To much unwanted attention? Doesn't want the relationship, just the benefits package? No judgment here. Lol

Well, some people do just exchange their benefits packages in the short (sometimes very short) term. And in other scenarios, one person will compensate another financially for access to their benefits package. Then there's - how do I put this politely - friends with benefits. All of which is benefits packages without commitment / having to relate especially much, which may be what the OP is after?

Though I'm a bit confused as well.

 

[Forest Cat]

I think autistic guys sometimes miss the signals, they don't know that someone likes them. It happened to me a few times when I was a teenager and I know that because the women actually told me years later. I felt so stupid. A woman actually asked me why I had never tried anything when I used to visit her, we used to hang out.

She had been sitting there waiting for me to `make a move`. I had absolutely no idea, I liked hanging out with her and I didn't want to ruin anything or be too forward so I was polite and what I call normal. She had been so frustrated with me she said, I was at her place several times every week for a while. The word idiot comes to mind.

 

[Callistemon]

I think autistic guys sometimes miss the signals, they don't know that someone likes them. It happened to me a few times when I was a teenager and I know that because the women actually told me years later. I felt so stupid. A woman actually asked me why I had never tried anything when I used to visit her, we used to hang out.

She had been sitting there waiting for me to `make a move`. I had absolutely no idea, I liked hanging out with her and I didn't want to ruin anything or be too forward so I was polite and what I call normal. She had been so frustrated with me she said, I was at her place several times every week for a while. The word idiot comes to mind.

But @Forest Cat, why should you be able to read the other person's mind? And why should the woman passively wait for the man to make advances? I think that's old gender bosh - if you make advances on people who aren't hoping you're gonna, it's sexual harassment.

So in Australian schools, there's this big thing about relationships and consent now, to say people should communicate clearly and verbally about stuff like this instead of doing guesswork. Even when they think they're getting positive body language - as some people's optimism seems to distort their perceptions...

 

[Forest Cat]

But @Forest Cat, why should you be able to read the other person's mind? And why should the woman passively wait for the man to make advances? I think that's old gender bosh - if you make advances on people who aren't hoping you're gonna, it's sexual harassment.

Looking back, there were some clues. She tried, poor girl. I actually liked her a lot and because of that I was just so stuck on showing respect and not risking going too far. So I never went anywhere.

 

[Callistemon]

Whereas I really liked that quality in my husband, @Forest Cat, compared to the gropefest some people seem to think dating should be!

I still think she could have said something to you too - or given you a card, etc. But it's so awkward when people don't know if their feelings are reciprocated or not, especially if they're friends already and don't want to risk their friendships! Especially when they're young.