bad signs for a date

[paloftoon]

I have a date I'm really interested in but it seems I get the run around.
He had reasonable "excuses" for things that happened in the beginning.
Now, I'm kind of hurting. He was a person I was really interested in and I know I can level enough with him.

Unlike some people, I can take "no" for an answer and move on. I could try to be friends with the person only platonically if it doesn't work out romantically. I told him this at the beginning when he asked me about fun. He liked my way of thinking.

On the first date, he was 30 minutes late. After 15 minutes, I went to do an errand and asked me to text me when he got there. When he texted me about 28 minutes after our appt, I told him I'd be on my way there. When I got there, he was embarrassed and told me let's pretend that didn't happen and let's start over. I said okay.

The next date or two was moved last minute and/or then canceled. I would always send a reminder the morning of the date too. So even though I didn't get totally screwed over, it was still a kind of last minute opening in my schedule that I wasn't hoping for.

In conversation, I thought we were vibing and maybe we were. He may've lost interest because maybe I don't know enough pop culture stuff like about Harry Potter or maybe he's just using me to get to know more about the city. Maybe he doesn't like the way I talk or that I'm a bit fatter than my profile pic at this point (it is about 2.5 months old now.).
He is probably about my weight or a bit thinner and similar build I think.

The problem comes in when he tells me on our third date that he can have me over Sat. I told him I might have a couchsurfing friend with me that day at the convention, but he hasn't committed with me yet. So, both him and the date could join or just my date only. He didn't seem interested in the convention and didn't want to commit to the evening.

I also told him that when I am at his place or when he is at mine, there is no need to do anything at all besides hang out, but that I am interested in it if he is. He said at that time he was into me and wanted to slowly feel out if we were sexually compatible with each other or not.

I asked him about the evening for Sat as I found out on Fri night that my other friend couldn't make it. Sat. night he tells me he didn't have his phone charged and he feels bad. Then I respond right away and tell him I'm free. A few hours later, I call because sometimes text can go awry. He just tells me he's too tired and that we should try to schedule something during the week. I tell him that I am free the next day (Sunday), and he says he will call Sunday morning. He doesn't call Sunday morning.

This could be his way of rejecting me. He also could contact me later on as he has before, and if he does, I will ask him about these things in-person and see how he reacts and how he wants to "make up" for everything that's been going on. My expectations are none.

I was really into this guy and I thought he was into me too. Maybe he was but changed his mind. That part is okay. To lie in this manner, if that is the case, is not moral. Any thoughts? Thank you.

 

[H-Kath]

I don't know what he's thinking, but the behavior you're describing doesn't sound respectful. I've had people go from super enthusiastic to no contact with no explanation. Usually, they stop respecting my time right before they vanish. Letting them know that I want them around whether or not it's romantic hasn't helped. I think they might be taking that to mean that I don't care when what I'm trying to communicate is that I value them enough as a person to want them around regardless of that condition.

 

[Jojo_LB]

It's hard to tell because we are only getting your side here. But just using your accounts of how your communications went, for example:

Unlike some people, I can take "no" for an answer and move on. I could try to be friends with the person only platonically if it doesn't work out romantically. I told him this at the beginning when he asked me about fun. He liked my way of thinking.

It appears that he agrees, but you said he asked you about "fun." It's not clear that this applied to your particular situation. It sounds like it was just a general statement about two people hanging out, with the possibility of things going somewhere.

I also told him that when I am at his place or when he is at mine, there is no need to do anything at all besides hang out, but that I am interested in it if he is. He said at that time he was into me and wanted to slowly feel out if we were sexually compatible with each other or not.

Is this the possible lie you are talking about? He may really be into you and may actually be open to the possibility of moving on to something non-platonic in the future. But maybe he's scared? Maybe he really does like to take things very slowly? Maybe he doesn't know how to express his thoughts and feelings about this? Or maybe he isn't into you. But you don't know any of that for sure right now.

Going by what you said about his being late for your first date, as well as canceling and/or changing the next couple of dates at the last minute, not calling when he said he'd call, he does sound kind of flaky.

It isn't really helpful to think about what about yourself he may not like, because he hasn't told you that he dislikes anything about you. At least, I don't see any of that in your post. Thinking in this way might serve to make you more anxious and negative in the long run.

I think if you really want to continue seeing him and seeing where it goes, it would help to be honest at this point. If you do consider bringing up the situation to him, do it from a standpoint of clearing confusion and seeing if there are differences and incompatibilities. That way you can tell if he has the same thoughts about this potential relationship as you do.

 

[Fino]

He said he wanted something during the week and you said instead Sunday. Was that arguing?

Personally, I'd have stopped trying after one of the last minute changes.

Unless he's really hot.

 

[aspieoutlaw89]

I have a date I'm really interested in but it seems I get the run around.
He had reasonable "excuses" for things that happened in the beginning.
Now, I'm kind of hurting. He was a person I was really interested in and I know I can level enough with him.

Unlike some people, I can take "no" for an answer and move on. I could try to be friends with the person only platonically if it doesn't work out romantically. I told him this at the beginning when he asked me about fun. He liked my way of thinking.

On the first date, he was 30 minutes late. After 15 minutes, I went to do an errand and asked me to text me when he got there. When he texted me about 28 minutes after our appt, I told him I'd be on my way there. When I got there, he was embarrassed and told me let's pretend that didn't happen and let's start over. I said okay.

The next date or two was moved last minute and/or then canceled. I would always send a reminder the morning of the date too. So even though I didn't get totally screwed over, it was still a kind of last minute opening in my schedule that I wasn't hoping for.

In conversation, I thought we were vibing and maybe we were. He may've lost interest because maybe I don't know enough pop culture stuff like about Harry Potter or maybe he's just using me to get to know more about the city. Maybe he doesn't like the way I talk or that I'm a bit fatter than my profile pic at this point (it is about 2.5 months old now.).
He is probably about my weight or a bit thinner and similar build I think.

The problem comes in when he tells me on our third date that he can have me over Sat. I told him I might have a couchsurfing friend with me that day at the convention, but he hasn't committed with me yet. So, both him and the date could join or just my date only. He didn't seem interested in the convention and didn't want to commit to the evening.

I also told him that when I am at his place or when he is at mine, there is no need to do anything at all besides hang out, but that I am interested in it if he is. He said at that time he was into me and wanted to slowly feel out if we were sexually compatible with each other or not.

I asked him about the evening for Sat as I found out on Fri night that my other friend couldn't make it. Sat. night he tells me he didn't have his phone charged and he feels bad. Then I respond right away and tell him I'm free. A few hours later, I call because sometimes text can go awry. He just tells me he's too tired and that we should try to schedule something during the week. I tell him that I am free the next day (Sunday), and he says he will call Sunday morning. He doesn't call Sunday morning.

This could be his way of rejecting me. He also could contact me later on as he has before, and if he does, I will ask him about these things in-person and see how he reacts and how he wants to "make up" for everything that's been going on. My expectations are none.

I was really into this guy and I thought he was into me too. Maybe he was but changed his mind. That part is okay. To lie in this manner, if that is the case, is not moral. Any thoughts? Thank you.

i know a bad sign for a date:your date knowing about your condition or finding out about it,and rejecting you for it.that's why i'm going to be doing the same thing with my future date:hiding mine from her.she won't suspect a thing.that's why i'm focusing on female aspies. !

 

[bbc-bananasplit]

I know that behaviour: That's what people do, who have some bonding issue - they alternate between desinterest or refusing behaviours, and then they change to the opposite, to interest and love. They really have problems getting close, although they want to, but when they get close, it's too close and they need to retreat again. They change their mind, if they like you or not all the time, since they're so insecure in their bonding / relationship pattern. They crave closeness, but they fear it at the same time. So what they do - without disrepectful intention I think - is keeping your in an infinite loop between distance and intimacy, but they will hardly ever decide for one. They can't help it. One moment they feel like connecting, then the next moment they feel it's too much, and they go into hiding untill they feel good the next time, and it begins again.

 

[bbc-bananasplit]

If the above is the case, then I wouldn't bother trying - it won't make you happy.

 

[BraidedPony]

just saying sorry you are left confused and hurt. i hope you find someone more compatible with your open and sharing ways.

 

[paloftoon]

It's hard to tell because we are only getting your side here. But just using your accounts of how your communications went, for example:

It appears that he agrees, but you said he asked you about "fun." It's not clear that this applied to your particular situation. It sounds like it was just a general statement about two people hanging out, with the possibility of things going somewhere.

Yes, he definitely agreed with my thoughts on "fun," and you are on point about this.

Is this the possible lie you are talking about? He may really be into you and may actually be open to the possibility of moving on to something non-platonic in the future. But maybe he's scared? Maybe he really does like to take things very slowly? Maybe he doesn't know how to express his thoughts and feelings about this? Or maybe he isn't into you. But you don't know any of that for sure right now.

The potential (set of) lie(s) I am referring to is the following:

He told me he would have his place to himself for the weekend and be free Saturday particularly.
He didn't want to meet me cause he wasn't interested in a small comicon I was going to because he wasn't interested in it and wasn't interested in joining friend(s) possibly. I also told him that I can go with him only as no other friend(s) have confirmed with me yet, and he was not interested in that.
I then told him I could meet him that evening and he just wanted to see how things went for me that day.

I also told him that just because I am at his place or he is at mine, we can just hang out and we don't have to do anything. He was cool with that and appreciated I said that.

I confirmed with him Fri night that no one else would definitely be going with me to the comicon. He responded sat. night and told me that he forgot to charge his phone supposedly. He asked about meeting in the week. I responded that that is a possibility and that I could also meet that night. He didn't respond to that. Then, a friend suggested I call him because texts can get all messy. So, I called him a few hours later and he said did get my text but was feeling tired, but that he would call me tomorrow morning (Sun, yesterday). He did not call me at all yesterday (that Sunday). He has been forgetting or "forgetting" a lot.

I keep trying to plan, but not to the point I am overdoing it. I am just going to wait for him to respond but expect nothing at this point. If I do get a response, then I plan to try to meet him in-person to discuss all these things and see what he says and take it from there.

Another lie he made, which there could be some Internet issues, is that he was okay adding me to Facebook and okay that I only add people that I have a real connection to. He hasn't done that since last Fri. even though we discussed that would occur.

I understand things can happen here or there, but something just doesn't feel right. Seems like a pattern of a lack of empathy.

Going by what you said about his being late for your first date, as well as canceling and/or changing the next couple of dates at the last minute, not calling when he said he'd call, he does sound kind of flaky.

It isn't really helpful to think about what about yourself he may not like, because he hasn't told you that he dislikes anything about you. At least, I don't see any of that in your post. Thinking in this way might serve to make you more anxious and negative in the long run.

I think if you really want to continue seeing him and seeing where it goes, it would help to be honest at this point. If you do consider bringing up the situation to him, do it from a standpoint of clearing confusion and seeing if there are differences and incompatibilities. That way you can tell if he has the same thoughts about this potential relationship as you do.

Good points, thank you.

 

[paloftoon]

He said he wanted something during the week and you said instead Sunday. Was that arguing?

Personally, I'd have stopped trying after one of the last minute changes.

Unless he's really hot.

I think it's subtle arguing.
And yes, I do think he's particularly hot, lol.

He said earlier he was free last weekend, which technically means both Sat and Sun.

He never specifically said he wasn't free on Sunday.

After 3 dates and 3 - 4 weeks, I think there should be some progress. There isn't a connection so far. He isn't letting it happen from what I can see, and it seems I need to move on to other potential candidates.

Last minute changes aren't necessarily a big deal here or there. If it's like always, and if the result is not meeting in-person in the end, then I should be more concerned. It seems to be leading to that now.

The lack of reciprocation just doesn't seem to be there. It was questionable, but it was more "new" for him. But now he knows me a bit. And he doesn't seem particularly socially anxious to me either.

 

[paloftoon]

i know a bad sign for a date:your date knowing about your condition or finding out about it,and rejecting you for it !

I haven't told him about my condition yet. I figured if he let's me into his place and I'm actually in it, then I can tell him about it. I'm glad I held off on that

Plus, he is only working part time and I am working full time with a part time side gig. . .

 

[Jojo_LB]

Yes, I think the best thing is to just talk it out in person and clear up confusion. It sounds like there seems to be a lot of it going on here.

It's not out of the realm of possibility that he is flaky without knowing it.

My husband, early on in our relationship, seemed really flaky and I learned over time that a lot of it was because it was just how he really was. His phone was dead like 60% of the time. I thought to myself, "How could someone not remember to charge his phone??" He said would call, he either didn't, or he only remembered to by like midnight or after, at which point it wasn't convenient for me to talk.

I didn't talk about these problems with anyone else, I just talked to him about it and we fought a lot about it over the years.

If I told anyone about this, they'd probably ask me why I stayed. He is just a wonderful person. His good qualities far outweigh his bad.

He is very strongly suspected ADHD inattentive type. He really doesn't remember a lot of things. He is so extremely forgetful, careless, he loses everything, he's almost always late, his time management skills are atrocious, he forgets what anyone said, even what he said, a mere hour after they were said, he is spacey, he seems like he doesn't listen but it's just that he spaces out too much. He hyperfocuses on his one or two hobbies and interests and everyone, even me, ceases to exist lol

I'm not saying this guy is not NT, I'm just making the point that there are so many things that could possibly be going on here. And I would even consider what bbc-bananasplit mentioned above about commitment and attachment issues.

Basically, nothing will be clear until you talk to him. There could be something going on with him that is legitimately affecting his ability to be less flaky and more reliable.

And I'm not saying that if he does have legitimate reasons to act the way he does, that you should just allow it to continue in this way, especially if you want to move forward. Because then it wouldn't be fair on you. You can show understanding and not be judgmental of him, but in the end you have to decide if it's worth it for you to try to pursue it.

It sounds like you have a plan for how to approach this. I hope it goes well!

 

[paloftoon]

. .

It sounds like you have a plan for how to approach this. I hope it goes well!

It helps hearing that a lot. If this is the case, he will reach out to me and we will end up meeting in-person.

Then my plan would be that it would be appropriate for me to ask him if he is diagnosed with anything or such, and then take it from there.
I also need to stress to him that he does need to take "educated risks" and deal with the "consequences" because the way this is heading, it might not be a relationship which is okay. But then, if he can't even have me over at his place and when he says he can, then that's showing fear of hangout out and potentially a lack of intimacy.

I want intimacy. I know I'm not being unreasonable for how I am going about it. I am dating other people too, and they are all starting to look like better options even though I am not as attracted to them or they don't seem as good a fit for me.

 

[Jojo_LB]

And it's totally fine to say to him like, "I want intimacy. But I'm really not clear if that's what you want. I need a definite answer." And since you are not trying to push him into anything, just make it clear to him because he might misconstrue it as you trying to push him in the same direction you're going. The only thing you are trying to "push" here is an answer, and that is fair, because you want to know if you and he are wasting each other's time.

Communication about this kind of stuff is hard, even for those who are naturally good at communication!

 

[paloftoon]

And it's totally fine to say to him like, "I want intimacy. But I'm really not clear if that's what you want. I need a definite answer." And since you are not trying to push him into anything, just make it clear to him because he might misconstrue it as you trying to push him in the same direction you're going. The only thing you are trying to "push" here is an answer, and that is fair, because you want to know if you and he are wasting each other's time.

Communication about this kind of stuff is hard, even for those who are naturally good at communication!

I actually already told him I wanted intimacy at the end of the 3rd date. He told me he was interested but wanted to take his time with me. This was in-person.

It is starting to feel like a waste of my time now if he won't give it a chance at this point.

 

[Fino]

Since you're already considering giving up on it anyway, that gives you the freedom to be bold and say things like, "I'm really starting to think this is a waste of time..." then explaining why and all that stuff.

 

[Fino]

I know that behaviour: That's what people do, who have some bonding issue - they alternate between desinterest or refusing behaviours, and then they change to the opposite, to interest and love. They really have problems getting close, although they want to, but when they get close, it's too close and they need to retreat again. They change their mind, if they like you or not all the time, since they're so insecure in their bonding / relationship pattern. They crave closeness, but they fear it at the same time. So what they do - without disrepectful intention I think - is keeping your in an infinite loop between distance and intimacy, but they will hardly ever decide for one. They can't help it. One moment they feel like connecting, then the next moment they feel it's too much, and they go into hiding untill they feel good the next time, and it begins again.

If this is the case, run run run run run! And if he contacts you, block him!

 

[paloftoon]

If this is the case, run run run run run! And if he contacts you, block him!

He hasn't contacted me too much.
If I tell him I'm not interested in him, I don't sense he'd over do it.
But I will keep that in mind. Thank you.

Ironically, I want him to contact me more, but for the right things of course.
He just added me to FB back, which surprised me.
I'll see what happens.
I suspect he's got a "label" but functions really well too.
And maybe he's paranoid about some things and it's affecting his behavior like when I was in such a space.
I definitely can ask some of those hard questions at this point.

Those are definitely things I can and think would know how to bring up based on my prior experience.

Sometimes, online and text only things can get miscontrued, and unstable emotions don't help either.

All past in-person experiences seem to have been good for me.

In-person can help iron out all these inconsistencies, if given the opportunity.


If that doesn't mend this connection to at least something platonic, then I think I do need to run run run.

 

[paloftoon]

Someone else mentioned that this particular date could be upset also because I had the possibility to invite a couchsurfing (male) friend even though I invited my date to join him or asked him if he wanted to be alone.

If he wants to be overly controlling and/or not express his concerns about me having male friends or such, then that's not good. Some may just not know any better. I think I could handle such a person if they are open to receiving such feedback and how one can look at things and still be appropriate about it.

It is a fairly unusual situation at this point. Wish me luck. Thank you.

 

[tducey]

Sounds like you should have a chat with this person. Get an idea of what you both want out of this relationship.