Being hard on yourself and self harming.

[AspieOtaku]

You're not the only one, I would post photos but they are a bit dark.

We falsely think we deserve punishment but we cannot believe that these beliefs are false, and there is the riddle.

It feels like a release but it's short term, if it was a true release why would we keep on needing to do it?

We are hard on ourselves. I have been and still being a tw4t but I don't deserve to deprive myself of food, hide in a room with black bin liners at the window, not bathe, chew flesh of my arms, beat my face black and blue, not to mention what I do to my poor head.

Yes, I can be a c*nt, I've been treated badly, but the abusers had problems themselves, as did yours otherwise they would not have abused.

I feel like a disgusting cesspit of a person, cowardly, but it's finding a way to express this rage.

I haven't done anything for a while, last week I thought it fit to hit myself with the skylight window because I left it open.

IT was weird I bobbed up and down because it bumped the top of my head and my dad used to hit my head, so I hit my head.

What good does it do though?
It worries people we know.
It worries my friends.
I told my family but they didnt know what to say, and when they find out the mess I am in they will be angry with me anyway as my mistakes will or might affect them, however the mistakes were made in the past, not deliberately.

I used to hit myself for being naive, I hope I don't anymore, I want my brain to last me the rest of my life, hitting my head puts it at risk of damage.

Whoever abused you got abused themselves, it warped their mind. They failed to process it, many abused kids grow up being good parents, kids who were abused and fail to process the abuse go onto repeat the cycle or turn it in on themselves.

I wrongly think I deserve punishment, I think a lot of punishment is coming to me in the future because of past mistakes, but you know what? There is nothing I can do, so let the haters hate. We all deserve love, abusers never got any. Healthy abused adults learnt to love themselves, there is still time for you to learn to love yourself.

understand i too have a few dark photos that would trigger folks like self inflicAttempted ed scars on my wrists from a suicide attempt a long time ago.Attempted suicide on Christmas Eve.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

So this is a fun project to make, all it takes is a pc with a printer, and a bit of magnet stock, i used the business card sized ones from the craft store, then cut them up.

I heard that some ppl they cant put magnets on the fridge as it dont stick? It works ok just with paper, but i like it better on the fridge.

Its a fun story, i was still getting around with a cane back then, this was 2016. I felt pretty worthless, and some folks i knew then went out of thier way to include me in a project to help an elder.

Being empowered to participate canceled alot of the self worth issues i had(worthless cripple, addict, etc) and then i found my seven favorite words
( see above) my friend suggested a few more.

I made up alot of lil magnet words, pronouns, verbs, modifiers, etc, and then i try and put it all together into a sentence. Its a choke hazzard so no go on it ever being a production project but it helped me back from .... a dark place.

Art is all i have to give, i wish i could do more to help you feel better. Art is the only thing that really helps me. I dont do digi art, i like the old fashioned ways.

I have pencils and pens and crayons and more pens and paintbrushes, like alot of that stuff. I always answered the query"is there any thing you need?" With " art supplies please!"

 

[Skittlebisquit]

There is a can of peaches, a blanket and a few paper backs in my closet, to this day. Thats where i used to hide out, peaches still make me happy. That was all forever ago, but some of it lingers on.

This may well be a loop you are stuck in, where everything smells like puke, no matter what. Try the art? It will make you feel better. Write the story of the abuse, if it hurts too much or the " culture of silence" conditioning is still too strong, maybe write it in the third person with different names? Its powerful medicine to write about it. Most of us who are Children of the Secret had to promise to never tell, but u may be able to write about it, like its just a story

Are the abusers still in your life? Do you still live there? Are they still doing those things?

Art please, even just a little? Try this if the peshair project seems too daunting. Think of a word, any word.
Got it?
Ok write the word out many times on a piece of paper. Then get a new piece of paper and try and write your word out fancy, like if it was on a sign.
I hope you feel better, what happened, was there a trigger that got flipped? Try reading something aloud for awhile to an imaginary audience, if you catch hell for it tell whoever its something your friend asked you to do....

 

[AspieOtaku]

I feel less important to others i was beat down and trained that way, as an aspie im not as important to other people im below them.

 

[AspieOtaku]

It maybe hard to understand but this is your normal, its the normal you grew up with and it maybe all you know.

So you need to reverse that and treat yourself in a very loving way to erase that *bad normal*, change the playlist to a good normal. You are a loving person, you deserve respect and kindness from those who interact with you.

But it has to be from you, you have to want change because your old normal isn't true, it's a falsehood, that your parents could control you with, or whoever abused you. You don't need to be controlled or abused ever again if you choose to no longer allow these thoughts.

Your right, im still trying to readjust especally aslo surving an abusive ex fiance that raped me and beat me and berated me more they are all gone but the feelings of self hate, being worthess and less important than others lingers but im trying hard my best. im not used to it yet being kind to myself that is. Stuck at feeling less importantant than everyone else.

 

[AspieOtaku]

i guess best analogy that goes on in my mind is im Crona and medusa is how others have abused me and percievie of me for decades.Ragnarock my dark self abusing myself and harming myself furtherThis has gone on my whole life.

 

[Penumbra]

I used to not self-harm at all. Now I have too many painful and traumatic memories I can't deal with. Recently I've been hitting myself and hitting my head against walls. It sure makes me focus on something else, but I'm afraid I'm doing lasting damage to myself too.

 

[Aecho]

This is my first time back in a couple of years but is it odd to say I remember you from your posts from when I was posting on here?

You already know your destructive behavior isn’t doing you any favors. There is no “self-discipline” in causing injury to your body. And I think you already know that but keep feeding the lie so you’d feel some relief from whatever guilt or shame you’re carrying. Trust I’ve been there, except instead of self harm id let it build up into suicidal meltdowns. One almost worked. I’d have done it again if The Lord Jesus hadn’t have intervened personally in my life to show me the light. You are made in the image of God which means you have value far beyond your comprehension or anyone else’s for that matter. You don’t get to determine your worth God does, it’s the whole foundation for human rights. That’s why you're feeling the guilt from self harm it’s god telling you to stop you’re hurting the one whom I’ve made! God values you more than you do especially right now. If you’re not religious that’s okay. I’m not here to convert you I couldn’t even if I wanted to because only god can do that. I’m just here to say Jesus came to save the broken and the lost and that he loves you unconditionally.

 

[AspieOtaku]

This is my first time back in a couple of years but is it odd to say I remember you from your posts from when I was posting on here?

You already know your destructive behavior isn’t doing you any favors. There is no “self-discipline” in causing injury to your body. And I think you already know that but keep feeding the lie so you’d feel some relief from whatever guilt or shame you’re carrying. Trust I’ve been there, except instead of self harm id let it build up into suicidal meltdowns. One almost worked. I’d have done it again if The Lord Jesus hadn’t have intervened personally in my life to show me the light. You are made in the image of God which means you have value far beyond your comprehension or anyone else’s for that matter. You don’t get to determine your worth God does, it’s the whole foundation for human rights. That’s why you're feeling the guilt from self harm it’s god telling you to stop you’re hurting the one whom I’ve made! God values you more than you do especially right now. If you’re not religious that’s okay. I’m not here to convert you I couldn’t even if I wanted to because only god can do that. I’m just here to say Jesus came to save the broken and the lost and that he loves you unconditionally.

This is my first time back in a couple of years but is it odd to say I remember you from your posts from when I was posting on here?

You already know your destructive behavior isn’t doing you any favors. There is no “self-discipline” in causing injury to your body. And I think you already know that but keep feeding the lie so you’d feel some relief from whatever guilt or shame you’re carrying. Trust I’ve been there, except instead of self harm id let it build up into suicidal meltdowns. One almost worked. I’d have done it again if The Lord Jesus hadn’t have intervened personally in my life to show me the light. You are made in the image of God which means you have value far beyond your comprehension or anyone else’s for that matter. You don’t get to determine your worth God does, it’s the whole foundation for human rights. That’s why you're feeling the guilt from self harm it’s god telling you to stop you’re hurting the one whom I’ve made! God values you more than you do especially right now. If you’re not religious that’s okay. I’m not here to convert you I couldn’t even if I wanted to because only god can do that. I’m just here to say Jesus came to save the broken and the lost and that he loves you unconditionally.

This is my first time back in a couple of years but is it odd to say I remember you from your posts from when I was posting on here?

You already know your destructive behavior isn’t doing you any favors. There is no “self-discipline” in causing injury to your body. And I think you already know that but keep feeding the lie so you’d feel some relief from whatever guilt or shame you’re carrying. Trust I’ve been there, except instead of self harm id let it build up into suicidal meltdowns. One almost worked. I’d have done it again if The Lord Jesus hadn’t have intervened personally in my life to show me the light. You are made in the image of God which means you have value far beyond your comprehension or anyone else’s for that matter. You don’t get to determine your worth God does, it’s the whole foundation for human rights. That’s why you're feeling the guilt from self harm it’s god telling you to stop you’re hurting the one whom I’ve made! God values you more than you do especially right now. If you’re not religious that’s okay. I’m not here to convert you I couldn’t even if I wanted to because only god can do that. I’m just here to say Jesus came to save the broken and the lost and that he loves you unconditionally.

This is my first time back in a couple of years but is it odd to say I remember you from your posts from when I was posting on here?

You already know your destructive behavior isn’t doing you any favors. There is no “self-discipline” in causing injury to your body. And I think you already know that but keep feeding the lie so you’d feel some relief from whatever guilt or shame you’re carrying. Trust I’ve been there, except instead of self harm id let it build up into suicidal meltdowns. One almost worked. I’d have done it again if The Lord Jesus hadn’t have intervened personally in my life to show me the light. You are made in the image of God which means you have value far beyond your comprehension or anyone else’s for that matter. You don’t get to determine your worth God does, it’s the whole foundation for human rights. That’s why you're feeling the guilt from self harm it’s god telling you to stop you’re hurting the one whom I’ve made! God values you more than you do especially right now. If you’re not religious that’s okay. I’m not here to convert you I couldn’t even if I wanted to because only god can do that. I’m just here to say Jesus came to save the broken and the lost and that he loves you unconditionally.

Sometimes i feel i must take Jesus's place on the cross to be the martyr and sacrifice my life for the better good i feel im less important than others my whole life.

 

[Hannibal]

I completely understand your point of view and how and why you developed it. I am very similar in this aspect. I was abused and internalized it and have self-harmed in many ways, including hitting myself, bruising myself with hammers, cutting myself, and more. Self-harm is physically and emotionally addicting and a difficult habit to break. I will say though that the less you do it, and the more you learn to cope otherwise, the better you'll feel in the long run. I'm very sorry you live with these troubling thoughts and emotions. You don't deserve any of the pain you inflict upon yourself

 

[Metalhead]

I tend to punish myself and self harm in much different ways - such as not abiding by my personal boundaries and letting others take advantage. Every time I break my diet, it is an active act of self harm. Every time I guzzle a beer, it is an active act of self harm. Every time I do not live up to my own values, it is an active act of self harm. It can get pretty brutal sometimes, as a recovering addict.

 

[AspieOtaku]

I feel less important than everyone, never shared it when on Wrong Planet, i knew they would attack me never been this vulnerable sharing things ya know.

 

[AspieOtaku]

But must break the cycle though im bullied and seen less important im just as important and must be kimd to myself not hurt myself anymore, i love others but hate myself not healthy i must forgive and love myself and end that self abusive self bullying cycle.

 

[AspieOtaku]

I dont want to hurt myself anymore iust stop self punishing and self harming it hurts others that love me i must break the cycle.

 

[AspieOtaku]

The harshest person to myself is myself when punishing myself not police, not my parents i give myself a bigger beating than all though my parents beat me i beat myself more when they didnt and i beat myself harder and inflicted scars on myself.

 

[Aspychata]

The harshest person to myself is myself when punishing myself not police, not my parents i give myself a bigger beating than all though my parents beat me i beat myself more when they didnt and i beat myself harder and inflicted scars on myself.

You sound like you are really working on no more self-abuse. This helps me, l don't like myself when l try to blank out the bad pain and more of why me. So if you are working on stopping and starting to love yourself, it's a chance for me to heal along with you. Yes, we are two strangers but we can both stand up and refuse to give into destructive behavior because we choose to, plain and simple. I say love yourself, and hug yourself and please try to forgive those pitiful strangers who called themselves mom and dad, because they never protected you and told you what a great person you are. ☺

 

[AspieOtaku]

There is a can of peaches, a blanket and a few paper backs in my closet, to this day. Thats where i used to hide out, peaches still make me happy. That was all forever ago, but some of it lingers on.

This may well be a loop you are stuck in, where everything smells like puke, no matter what. Try the art? It will make you feel better. Write the story of the abuse, if it hurts too much or the " culture of silence" conditioning is still too strong, maybe write it in the third person with different names? Its powerful medicine to write about it. Most of us who are Children of the Secret had to promise to never tell, but u may be able to write about it, like its just a story

Are the abusers still in your life? Do you still live there? Are they still doing those things?

Art please, even just a little? Try this if the peshair project seems too daunting. Think of a word, any word.
Got it?
Ok write the word out many times on a piece of paper. Then get a new piece of paper and try and write your word out fancy, like if it was on a sign.
I hope you feel better, what happened, was there a trigger that got flipped? Try reading something aloud for awhile to an imaginary audience, if you catch hell for it tell whoever its something your friend asked you to do....

I should write a country song.

 

[AspieOtaku]

I ate some edible marijuana, not proud of it but feel good and love myself and hug myself.