Being judged and feeling a total failure

[Appleslime]

Hello, this is more a rant than a discussion but I just have to get this out because I'm going crazy inside my head. I have had a massive run in with my sister in law (husbands sister) who has made so many nasty judgments about me this last week and has left me in absolute bits :-( does anyone have any advice on dealing with being judged? I know i am different from 'normal' people and that in itself is hard enough. My journey of self acceptance has taken me on a self distructive vs self assured windy path and I'd come so far over the last few years but I feel that her nasty words to me have beaten me right down. I haven't stopped crying, can't eat or sleep and just don't know what to do.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Write or type everything she said down.

(One one side of the paper)

Then ,after that has been done, write down why it is not true.

You could use a diary app (passworded) for this kind of stuff.

I do it.

When it's done, I find I think about it far less.

The reason, I've thought it through,kept a record of it.

My mind accepts that.

This can then be expanded upon to analyse your own reactions and start the training to respond differently.

Slow process,but worth it.

Everyone needs a process.

This is just an idea to help you start working towards what works best for you.

Another thing I say is.

'Past me has got that sorted'
I trust past me.

The past me who wrote it down,considered carefully the situation.
The diary becomes 'past me' a trustworthy companion.

 

[Appleslime]

Write or type everything she said down.

(One one side of the paper)

Then ,after that has been done, write down why it is not true.

You could use a diary app (passworded) for this guy of stuff.

I do it.

When it's done, I find I think about it far less.

The reason, I've thought it through,kept a record of it.

My mind accepts that.

This can then be expanded upon to analyse your own reactions and start the training to respond differently.

Slow process,but worth it.

Everyone needs a process.

This is just an idea to help you start working towards what works best for you.

Another thing I say is.

'Past me has got that sorted'
I trust past me.

The past me who wrote it down,considered carefully the situation.
The diary becomes 'past me' a trustworthy companion.

Thanks for the advice, I have voiced my feelings to a few people and they don't understand why I'm so upset and just tel me to ignor her nasty comments. This upsets me that I now feel that I'm over reacting and I feel like I'm fighting my feelings. I will do what you said. I have written her a couple of texts that I haven't sent as I don't think I can cope with a full blown argument. My anxiety is sky high and my anger is bubbling

 

[Gritches]

With people like that I just say "screw them" and enjoy the fact that there's nothing I even have to do - if they're really like that, the world will sort them out; they'll get a come-uppance of their own doing. The world is changing, and those kinds of attitudes won't have a place in it for much longer.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I now feel that I'm over reacting and I feel like I'm fighting my feelings

You're not.

I will do what you said. I have written her a couple of texts that I haven't sent as I don't think I can cope with a full blown argument. My anxiety is sky high and my anger is bubbling

Worked for me.

It's a difficult pill to take when you realise how much you have to do for yourself .

Once you start the journey you get stronger .

It's a whole complex thing when you try and share with others, so many issues can come into play.
1. They don't understand
2 . They are unwilling
3. Stupid
4. Personal/family relationship bias

Think of it as learning a new habit.
Takes time.
Forgive yourself as you go.
This board can be useful for advice,help
And taking a few steps back for perspective sometimes.


No persons word has any more validity than another's.
From our side, choosing what we share with others can make all the difference in the world.
There is a power in silence and knowing your truth.

Plus --don't tell anyone you're doing it.
Past me also agrees with me on this.

 

[Judge]

Sometimes in life you will run into what I call truly "toxic personalities". Where the only thing left to do is to "ghost" such people and have no further contact with them.

Where you neither forget or forgive. When you must "take no prisoners"- in your own best interest and mental health. Whether your husband understands or not.

You are a human being. Not someone's punching bag.

 

[Progster]

With people like that, it's good to have a 'third strike' policy - give them two chances - we are all human and can make mistakes and we should allow for that - but if the same happens a third time, then it's probably not going to get better and they are unlikely to change, and it's best to stop contact with them.

 

[Mr Allen]

If it was me, I would literally walk out as soon as he laid a finger on me, and take the kids if there was any.

 

[WittyAspie]

Is your husband aware of what’s happening? He should be your biggest advocate in this situation.

 

[Bella Pines]

does anyone have any advice on dealing with being judged?

I find that the inevitable judgement that we all get eats away at me. It almost rots me from the inside and I end up seething and bitter about it. I replay conversations in my head and come back with witty replies that I never actually said in real life because I didn't think fast enough. Self distructive vs self assured is a good description of it.

So when I tumble into the spiral (often), I fall back on visualizations. My favorite one is garden weeds. The last time someone judged me, they said that they didn't trust me and I came across as cold and unfeeling. I am not unfeeling, I outright hate them, that's a feeling right? But I never think of anything decent to say at the time, only later. And afterwards, when it eats away at me and I replay the conversation. When this happens, I picture it as a weed in my head. I imagine pulling the weed out and throwing it away. I then imagine a field of perfect green grass on a summers day. Each time the conversation pops back into my head, I repeat the process. After I've thrown it away I relax my shoulders and look around, reminding myself that it's not real. I remind myself that whoever said it is small and irrelevant and really doesn't mean anything to me. That I am me and am happy with the way I am. Then it pops back when I'm not paying attention and I throw it away again. After a time I find that the anger just goes away and I can even look at the person with fresh eyes. So that works for me.

 

[Appleslime]

I find that the inevitable judgement that we all get eats away at me. It almost rots me from the inside and I end up seething and bitter about it. I replay conversations in my head and come back with witty replies that I never actually said in real life because I didn't think fast enough. Self distructive vs self assured is a good description of it.

So when I tumble into the spiral (often), I fall back on visualizations. My favorite one is garden weeds. The last time someone judged me, they said that they didn't trust me and I came across as cold and unfeeling. I am not unfeeling, I outright hate them, that's a feeling right? But I never think of anything decent to say at the time, only later. And afterwards, when it eats away at me and I replay the conversation. When this happens, I picture it as a weed in my head. I imagine pulling the weed out and throwing it away. I then imagine a field of perfect green grass on a summers day. Each time the conversation pops back into my head, I repeat the process. After I've thrown it away I relax my shoulders and look around, reminding myself that it's not real. I remind myself that whoever said it is small and irrelevant and really doesn't mean anything to me. That I am me and am happy with the way I am. Then it pops back when I'm not paying attention and I throw it away again. After a time I find that the anger just goes away and I can even look at the person with fresh eyes. So that works for me.

Thank you, I think for me I haven't got to that point of being happy with who I am. I'm so angry at life for making me different, I get terribly upset at how much I try try try but yet still fail. I guess my number 1 step is to find happiness with who I am first. Thanks for the advice xx

 

[Appleslime]

Is your husband aware of what’s happening? He should be your biggest advocate in this situation.

My husband doesn't really want to get involved. I can kind of understand that, he loves me and his sister but his lack of support has hurt me.

 

[Mia]

Quote: “Criticism is the only reliable form of autobiography," Oscar Wilde said, because it tells you more about the psychology of the critic than the people he or she criticizes."

Criticism is an ego defense and there are many. People criticize when they feel devalued by a behavior or attitude. They tend toward being easily insulted and lash out at others. Criticism is an attempt to control others, it's coercive and more about the person who criticizes rather than the focus of their condemnation. In effect the person who criticized you, is the one with the difficulties.

 

[Bella Pines]

I get terribly upset at how much I try try try but yet still fail.

I really came into my own in my mid to late 30s. I didn't really change, I just stopped seeing other people as "normal" and shifted my view to seeing them as "common" or "average".

I also spent less time looking outside of myself and started looking inside. Life sort of forced me to, I took time out of my job and was on my own for an extended period. But after I stopped looking around and starting looking inside, things improved. I took up yoga, researched reiki and focussed on my special interests. I also worked out who I wanted to be apart from how everyone wanted me to be. Now the world around me is more of an casual amusement than anything else.

 

[WittyAspie]

My husband doesn't really want to get involved. I can kind of understand that, he loves me and his sister but his lack of support has hurt me.

When your husband married you he chose you over his family. Not getting involved when you sister-in-law is hurting you is deciding to not continue making that choice. You are now the most important family member he has and he would do well to support you.

 

[OlLiE]

you can only feel judged if you value other people's opinions
i would ask for a cv before assuming anyone is knowledgeable about anything

 

[Nervous Rex]

@Fridgemagnetman's advice is the best. It helps you focus on your own image of yourself, regardless of what others may say. You need to have a good image of yourself, because you will get every type of opinion from others. Some people are stuck in hate mode and some are just having bad days. But you can't afford to let them decide what kind of day you're going to have.

My own lesser addition is this:

When people behave that way to me, I spend some time mentally taking them apart to see how they tick. I compare one mindset or attitude after another to see which best fits their behavior. Once I have a good fit, I watch them to see if this also helps predict their behavior.

Time after time, it shows me that their behavior is about them, not about me. People will say and do whatever they need to make themselves feel better. For some people, being good makes them feel good, and they become genuinely nice people (typically more long-term-minded people). Other people settle on belittling others to make themselves feel bigger (typically more instant-reward-type people). Unhappy people aren't unhappy because of you - they will be unhappy no matter who is there. They may take it out on you, but it's not about you. It's about them. Knowing this helps me to move past their behavior and not let their bad behavior become my bad day.

 

[clg114]

My husband doesn't really want to get involved. I can kind of understand that, he loves me and his sister but his lack of support has hurt me.

This is a little off topic, but I just have to point this out. When you are married, your spouse always comes first. Over you siblings, parents, kids, anybody. After all this is the person you are going to spend the rest of you life with. If my sister made my wife feel like that, I would have been all over her for it. If she kept it up, we would not have any more contact with her. That is just the way it is supposed to be.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

This is a little off topic, but I just have to point this out. When you are married, your spouse always comes first. Over you siblings, parents, kids, anybody. After all this is the person you are going to spend the rest of you life with. If my sister made my wife feel like that, I would have been all over her for it. If she kept it up, we would not have any more contact with her. That is just the way it is supposed to be.

I agree, but it can also be a more difficult path.

It also does the same thing the OP has done but replace the sister in law with the husband.
Ie the expectation of the husband to do something. I also brings forward any problems the husband may have and is not ready to face.

If you work towards finding those boundaries, effectively dousing the fire....
You get more respect for yourself then from the husband ..
The rest of the family then become immaterial.

In an ideal world as they say.

Put on your own life jacket first.

 

[Nervous Rex]

This is a little off topic, but I just have to point this out. When you are married, your spouse always comes first. Over you siblings, parents, kids, anybody. After all this is the person you are going to spend the rest of you life with. If my sister made my wife feel like that, I would have been all over her for it. If she kept it up, we would not have any more contact with her. That is just the way it is supposed to be.

A "Like" or "Agree" isn't enough to convey how essential this is. This is paramount and critical.