Being judged

[WereBear]

Sounds to me like you were overwhelmed by all the noise and not feeling well. You just didn't have the extra energy. And she says it all the time and wasn’t clear.

 

[Moomin]

I do understand. I can sit here and say don't worry about it, but then turn around and spend 2 days fretting over the possibility of doing or saying something wrong or weird. I hate when I do that.

Yes, I feel that that was what I was doing. Today is a little better. Mainly because I’m not in a stress environment. I’m currently winding down from it all.

 

[Kyou Nukui]

I was scared awake earlier by the doorbell..
It was a Yodel delivery van bloke.
He was enormous and covered in tattoos and beard and boots; and he said something to me in a gruff tone while keeping his chin to his chest and fiddling with his electronic device thingy; but it was completely unintelligible.
I said "pardon?" or something, and he said it again, exactly the same, just as unintelligibly.
I just stood silently I had given up and didn't know how to respond to him.
He thrust the electronic thingy at me and I squiggled a signature for the parcel and he left.
I think he might have been speaking Welsh?? It didn't sound like Welsh though.
I don't really care if he thought I was deaf, mute, weird or a freak: He's gone, and I have new anime DVDs.

(I would be bothered if it was someone I know, or who will gossip to people I have to interact with, and that has happened many times in the past.)

 

[WolfSpirit]

I’m feeling very out of sort since yesterday. My sibling and I went further Christmas shopping, and I found that a little overwhelming. This is not a complaint about Christmas or Christmas shopping, I find it stressful but a lot of people do anyway. What really affected me was that the realization that I’m virtually socially awkward and isolating myself. Obviously, I know that this is down to my AS but it still doesn’t make this easier. I was wearing suitable clothing choices for the weather, plus I’m still sick, so chose to wear a hat. I look a bit stupid in a hat, but at least I was warm. I went into a shop to get some items for my parents, and felt very intimidated by the cashier. I can’t deal with people asking me something (very quickly in talking) and I don’t know if I’m perceiving it wrong (probable) but I felt that the cashier judged me and was like” what the fudge is wrong with her” when I turned to get my sibling to translate what the woman had said. It wouldn’t have bothered me near as much if it hadn’t have happened more than once in other shops, and then had it confirmed by my sibling that yes, I’m behaving in a way that others think is weird.

I’m obviously out of practice because I could at least fake some form of “normal “ behavior albeit becoming highly drained afterwards. I feel very hurt by it. I don’t like to be judged. And yet, that happened. And now I’m stupidly over analyzing it all to see where I went wrong, but it’s all of it.

Oh, this is SOOO me, the last month! And I know better! I totally accept my autistic differences, and have a pretty much "like it or lump it" (whatever that means) attitude to people who can't handle it, and prior to a year ago, when excessive fatigue brought it back, had pretty thoroughly banished my self-critic. However, this past Christmas utterly flattened me (metaphorically) energy wise, and mentally, and ... well, long story short, I feel like I wasted/botched my last appointment with my autism specialist, 'cause I wasn't able to bring up in person the things I'd emailed her about that were bothering me (again). And then, near the end of, started to bring some up, but we were both exhausted (from life stuff), so she had to cut me off a bit.

... I've since written many emails explaining what was happening, to her (she's fine with that, btw, even when there's a zillion), some immediately after we disconnected the videoconference. And I know she understands autism, and will be accepting and everything of it, especially now that she knows I'm having these difficulties, and what they were/are, but I'm still all over myself about it, and can't seem to quit, even though I've figured out where some of it is coming from, and why I'd be having such problems, even though I haven't in a long time, and have typically been able to handle a lot of stuff in the last several years. (even stuff that would throw NTs). But I haven't had confirmation from her yet. (It's only been a bit over 2 weeks, and I know she's swamped with her other job, and overwhelmed with the technology requirements of working during COVID, and she doesn't normally respond to my emails anyways, until we meet in person, unless there's something she feels compelled to earlier. (Again, it's just the way we've got things set up, not me doing anything wrong, or ... anything. She'd tell me, and I've indicated that I know when I might be being overwhelming, and she's always been okay with it, thought I think she appreciates my awareness of it all.)

... And THEN, my oldest niece had her wedding last week, and I wasn't very responsive when my mom was talking about the pictures, and the family dysfunctional stuff etc. (think I've said this already in my intro post, so won't repeat myself.), and I've been worrying about that since. In actuality, mom probably didn't even notice. I said sufficient socially appropriate things, (I think), that it didn't come off as if I didn't care, or whatever. And mom knows that I care about my nieces, and that they're important to me. And they know they're important to me. The grown ones I don't have much contact with anymore, and haven't been a part of their lives much in a long time. Mom even says that when she calls me all wound up about something, and I'm all calm, and non-reactive, etc. that she appreciates that, and that it helps her. (I've often worried, or did before she said that a few times, that I wasn't expressing enough emotion, a lot of the time when I was 'talking her down', and that I didn't sound supportive enough) So... I'm probably overreacting, and I know that, but I can't help it anyways. Even though I can come up with several perfectly reasonable explanations for why I could be having the problems I'm having, and that there's no big deal about it, it's the way autism goes. (my first specialist reiterated a zillion times that autism + stress = functioning losses, and was all reassuring and sympathetic about it.) And yet, I still can't quite reason with myself enough to stop with the self-criticism. (even if much of it is probably stopped being conscious). . Life! Grrr... Part of me is reassured that NTs do this too, and many people are actually a lot worse about this sort of thing than I am, and part of me isn't. I think part of me has just stopped listening to myself. Which is generally the time to seek outside perspectives. Hence my visit to a friend today, and figuring out how to get on here.

 

[paloftoon]

I think people are just being "human" including the cashier :/