Being married to a not understanding partner, Help!

[Isadoorian]

Welcome to the Forums! I hope you make new friends and enjoy your stay in the process!

 

[Juliettaa]

@SofiaSwede

I have just noticed from your profile that you are 19 years old.

Can you seriously imagine being in this toxic relationship for the next 50 years? How do you feel when you think of your future with him?

 

[Schism]

@SofiaSwede

I have just noticed from your profile that you are 19 years old.

Can you seriously imagine being in this toxic relationship for the next 50 years? How do you feel when you think of your future with him?

Observant Juliettaa. Changes everything. Suicidal I would think if she reads these comments.

Sofia, RUN. Go home to your parents asap, they will be so concerned (although you don't actually mention them so relatives maybe....?) Tell them the truth. Write it off as a harsh life experience. He does not own you, he does not deserve you. Do not ruin your life or your mental health any further. Go home lovely.

 

[Juliettaa]

Observant Julietaa. Changes everything. Suicidal I would think if she reads these comments.

Sofia, RUN. Go home to your parents asap, they will be so concerned (although you don't actually mention them so relatives maybe....?) Tell them the truth. Write it off as a harsh life experience. He does not own you, he does not deserve you. Do not ruin your life or your mental health any further. Go home lovely.

I think it's absolutely terrifying to think of a 19 year old autistic woman in a country that is not her 'home country' living with a man who mocks, screams and name calls - and that is just the start.

It never ends there.

Statistically it's likely to escalate.

100% agree - RUN!

 

[GadAbout]

I'm interested in the bold bit - in the UK, a lot of therapists will not see a couple where there is any level of abuse. And from the OP's initial post, screaming, name calling, mocking, are all forms of abuse. Do therapists in the US, as a rule, see couples in this kind of situation?

I don't know how to answer your question, as I see it as irrelevant to my advice.

 

[Kalinychta]

I don't know how to answer your question, as I see it as irrelevant to my advice.

I’ll answer the question. It’s no. Most therapists would never counsel an abuser and a victim together. That would be not only irresponsible but extremely dangerous as well.

(I know your advice was intended to help, GadAbout, but the OP’s relationship has crossed the line.)

 

[GadAbout]

I disagree. I have known many people who say someone is "yelling" at them, when in fact they are only expressing dissatisfaction in a tone of voice or angry expression. Also, it seems the husband needs educating about autism, and certainly won't accept the wife's view of things.

Having an autistic partner when you don't know what autism is, is mind-boggling to most people.

Finally, the young lady said divorce is not an option. I'm respecting her point of view.

 

[Rasputin]

How much do we adapt and how much can we expect those around to adapt?
Surely its a 2 way street?

That is not how it works in my home.

 

[SofiaSwede]

I don't want to divorce as it goes against my religious beliefs, separation could be a choice though but I'm not at that point yet.
Somedays things are good between us. That gives me some hope.

I have not said much to my family, but today I told my mother. She said she will keep calling me everyday, and before I left my country she said if anything happens, my family will raise money to get me back.

 

[eriley74]

Hi SofiaSwede. My gut reaction is: RUN!!! Initially, I thought your husband is the typical American alpha-male, one who was taught (possibly with corporal punishment if I had to speculate) to suppress and eliminate feelings because emotions are for women and wimpy beta-males. But, as I read on, it's clear this guy is not right in the head. You seem to be his property and not his wife. It is especially worrisome that Mommy is 100% on his side and they are doing all they can to isolate you---no, let's call it what it is. They are gaslighting you into believing you're weak and childish. I know this from personal experience with far too many teachers and an abusive pharmacist.

Maybe if you privately let somebody know where you are living, they could help you locate resources and support groups for women on the spectrum. As for marital help--no! Leave!! He's beyond help. Best of luck. Keep us informed the best you can.

 

[GadAbout]

I don't want to divorce as it goes against my religious beliefs, separation could be a choice though but I'm not at that point yet.
Somedays things are good between us. That gives me some hope.

I have not said much to my family, but today I told my mother. She said she will keep calling me everyday, and before I left my country she said if anything happens, my family will raise money to get me back.

That's nice that your family are willing to take care of you.

Tell me, are any children involved, or are you pregnant now?

 

[SofiaSwede]

That's nice that your family are willing to take care of you.

Tell me, are any children involved, or are you pregnant now?

We dont have any children and I'm not pregnant

 

[Autistamatic]

A quick note about compromise on both sides. I always advocate for autistics and NTs meeting in the middle, neither expecting the other to do all the work to make communication flow. Trouble is it's not always possible. If one side is unwilling to give of themselves and establishes power over the other, punishing dissent with harsh words, sanctions like withholding affection, or worse, violence, then compromise is impossible. Compromise is only possible through negotiation and mutual willingness.

Sofia, your situation is not one that can be resolved by explaining autism or by hoping for the best. I appreciate you have religious beliefs which preclude you from considering divorce. Unfortunately if your husband knows you feel this way then it gives him immense power over you, power he is abusing.
If we knew which religion you follow it might offer us a little perspective, but nonetheless, you are being abused, plain and simple. If you stick with this man you can never be happy and may well end up in a much worse situation before long.
If you are a Christian then his vows to you would likely have involved promises to "love, honour and cherish" you, but most faith based unions involve similar promises. There is nothing about the behaviour that you describe that even remotely matches that promise. Your husband has already broken his promises to your God, so if anyone has violated your faith, it is he. As it stands he is the one who must atone, not you. You were not put on this earth to suffer at the hands of cruel people. Save yourself, go home and even if you don't divorce or anull the marriage, get him out of your life, and yourself somewhere safe.

 

[SofiaSwede]

Hi SofiaSwede. My gut reaction is: RUN!!! Initially, I thought your husband is the typical American alpha-male, one who was taught (possibly with corporal punishment if I had to speculate) to suppress and eliminate feelings because emotions are for women and wimpy beta-males. But, as I read on, it's clear this guy is not right in the head. You seem to be his property and not his wife. It is especially worrisome that Mommy is 100% on his side and they are doing all they can to isolate you---no, let's call it what it is. They are gaslighting you into believing you're weak and childish. I know this from personal experience with far too many teachers and an abusive pharmacist.

Maybe if you privately let somebody know where you are living, they could help you locate resources and support groups for women on the spectrum. As for marital help--no! Leave!! He's beyond help. Best of luck. Keep us informed the best you can.

Wow you actually got my husband right... now if his mom and him are gaslighting me I dont think so, I am pretty weak.. and I dont talk much to his mother. The way my husband describe her and how I watched her act to her children and others, it has made me avoid her to be safe from getting the same reaction from her as I get from my husband, sometimes she seem pretty nice though...

 

[Varzar]

Wow you actually got my husband right... now if his mom and him are gaslighting me I dont think so, I am pretty weak.. and I dont talk much to his mother. The way my husband describe her and how I watched her act to her children and others, it has made me avoid her to be safe from getting the same reaction from her as I get from my husband, sometimes she seem pretty nice though...

Self-deprecating much? You are only as weak as you believe you are. Make the choice to believe you are a strong woman and can shape your own future. You've got a lot of life ahead of you, and it's time to take charge of it! Ditch this guy and find someone who will respect you for the strong person you are.

 

[Ken S.]

I agree with the general consensus of you need to get away from him. Go back to your homeland. Even if you just do it as separation at first. It will give you time to reflect from a supportive environment which makes things easier to put into perspective since he and his mother won't be able to hold sway over you.

 

[Magpie]

Hello everyone. I'm new to this site.
.....It's to the point he dont listen to anything I say, he responds annoyed I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!
And i stay quiet because i don't want to be yelled at.
Sometimes he mocks me when I say something....

All people, neurodiverse and neurotypical, have a right to be treated with respect and dignity, self esteem can take a hit when we allow people to treat us otherwise by yelling at us.

Rejecting your diagnosis and feeling he knows better than the doctors who diagnosed you is haughty and frightening for it. Constant disbelief, questioning the veracity of your experience, suggests an underlying motive behind the behavior. This kind of chronic shaming wears down a person's self-esteem and confidence and can cause them to doubt themselves and their self-worth.

Relationship, in my humble opinion, feels the best when we are valued, supported despite differences, feel safe, and are validated.

Gaslighting is probably the most "crazy-making" of the forms of emotional abuse. It is a denial of your experiences and your perception of reality. When someone tells you enough times that something you know about isn’t happening or isn’t true it can cause self-doubt, then self-esteem takes another hit.

Its not a partners job to boost my self-esteem, yet I wouldn’t want them to tear it down either.

Disregarding your perspective is called opposing and blocking. Constantly having your perspective and opinions shot down, or in effect being told your thoughts don't matter, have the potential to stop us from standing up for ourselves in time. We can stop vocalizing things that matter to us, and from my personal experience this will feel lonely. Ultimately no connection can exist without open communication.

Allowing others to treat us poorly then protest, yet stay is in effect saying keep that sh*t up. Boundaries teach others how to treat us. Boundaries are permitted in relationships; I'll even say necessary. Boundaries are self-respect. If I don’t respect myself, I cant count on others doing that for me.

You are not alone, walking on eggshells and trying to find just the right way to word something so you will finally be heard sounds frustrating. I hope you can get off stop soon.

 

[Aspychata]

Sometimes part of the *gaslighting * involves being nice one day and not nice the next day. This is actually called constant chaos because you never know what to expect and as a result you fall into learned helplessness which took me awhile to figure out. Often with gaslighting, more then one person will target you.

To me this is serious! I would stop going into denial and start getting hold of your family and get a plane ticket out. Also can you access your passport? If you have zero access to important documents and money, this is a serious attempt to manipulate you. And you will have to sneak around to finally leave. But at all times you should act like everything is fine. You also need a plan B. I speak from experience.

 

[Juliettaa]

I don't know how to answer your question, as I see it as irrelevant to my advice.

I agree, my question was irrelevant to your advice, hence me saying I was interested. And my interest is in relation to a piece of work that I'm involved in around violence against women.

I’ll answer the question. It’s no. Most therapists would never counsel an abuser and a victim together. That would be not only irresponsible but extremely dangerous as well.

(I know your advice was intended to help, GadAbout, but the OP’s relationship has crossed the line.)

Thank you @Kalinychta for taking the time to answer my question, which was asked with genuine reason.

I feel a sense of relief with your answer as it's the same as the UK's stance.

 

[Thinx]

Some marriages are arranged by the 2 families in accordance with religious beliefs, and the role of the wife may be constrained by divorce absolutely not being seen as an option, but as a form of disgrace. For the young person, the situation can be shocking, to come from a loving family to what seems like a good match in a wealthy country, then be friendless and treated poorly or abusively.

Unfortunately in some such situations, the husband does not really find himself easily able to build a relationship with the young and sheltered bride, and she in turn looks to him and her new family to make it all fine. There are also situations where the new wife is expected to work for the family, perhaps caring for family members who are unwell or disabled, and where the new wife has very limited freedom.

Are you being supported in other ways, for example, are you being helped to continue your education if you want to, do you have access to a car, are you financially supported, are you able to go out if you want to?