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Being misundertood

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I have this reoccurring problem where when I ask a question people often seem to be responding to a different question to the one I'm asking. Even when I tell them that thats not what I'm asking and try to explain what I mean they almost always just keep giving that same original response and they seem to get frustrated that I'm not accepting their answer.
 
What are you trying to say?
LOL Sorry - couldn't help myself. Yes, sometimes.
 
Depends on the question. However if you're too direct, don't be surprised if you evoke a person's evasiveness. Which may materialize the form of a question to throw you off.

Reflecting another "unwritten rule" in the Neurotypical world. Where communication between both parties fails. :oops:

 
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That happens to me when I assume people have background information that I understand. When this happens I will try to see what is not being understood, sometimes having to paraphrase their answer.
 
I have this reoccurring problem where when I ask a question people often seem to be responding to a different question to the one I'm asking. Even when I tell them that thats not what I'm asking and try to explain what I mean they almost always just keep giving that same original response and they seem to get frustrated that I'm not accepting their answer.
Depends on the person who the question is directed to. Some people are very good at understanding what you’re asking. And then you have those who don’t get it at all.
 
Can you give an example?
I can't actually think of a specific example but I'm not talking a sort of intellectual question, I just mean something day to day like at work asking how somethings supposed to be done. I then seem to get a defence from the person as though I've accused them of doing it wrong.
 
I can't actually think of a specific example but I'm not talking a sort of intellectual question, I just mean something day to day like at work asking how somethings supposed to be done. I then seem to get a defence from the person as though I've accused them of doing it wrong.
A very specific example would be really helpful, but I suspect it is the words you're using to ask the question. How you put it. In which order the words are said. So without a specific example that you can remember clearly I can't say for sure.
 
A very specific example would be really helpful, but I suspect it is the words you're using to ask the question. How you put it. In which order the words are said. So without a specific example that you can remember clearly I can't say for sure.
I'll add tone can also play a role.. especially if it sounds like they get defensive.
 
I can't actually think of a specific example but I'm not talking a sort of intellectual question, I just mean something day to day like at work asking how somethings supposed to be done. I then seem to get a defence from the person as though I've accused them of doing it wrong.

To you, you're simply asking a question. Nothing more, nothing less. However to them, from their perspective if they sense you know more than they do, expect such a question to evoke a defensive reaction.

You can call them co-workers, but it doesn't change the reality that you're all competitors. Those who measure up keep their job and advance. Those who don't....are most likely to be the ones prone to being defensive. Even when it's uncalled for.

Workplaces may appear social, but they are not often cordial. Where both terms may even be mutually exclusive of one another. What I used to refer to as a "sharktank". A work environment I worked in for too many years.
 
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@LadyS yes my tone isn't very good, I'm usually pretty monotone naturally and although I know what an appropriate tone would sound like for what I'm saying when I try to do it myself its so obviously fake that I sound like I'm being passive aggressive
@Judge It definitely seems that way, as you say I'm just asking a question but I think there maybe jumping to "what am I trying to say" and they don't believe that there's no hidden agenda and I was really just looking for an answer.
 
@LadyS yes my tone isn't very good, I'm usually pretty monotone naturally and although I know what an appropriate tone would sound like for what I'm saying when I try to do it myself its so obviously fake that I sound like I'm being passive aggressive
@Judge It definitely seems that way, as you say I'm just asking a question but I think there maybe jumping to "what am I trying to say" and they don't believe that there's no hidden agenda and I was really just looking for an answer.

Having a monotone voice can complicate such considerations as well. Where many people may rely on tone over content to immediately react to a question. So when they can't read your voice and inflection, they sense something is wrong. Even if it's not the case.
 
....when I ask a question people often seem to be responding to a different question to the one I'm asking...

Said every single journalist who ever asked a politician a direct question.

From an autistic/neurodivergent perspective, you ARE frequently thinking differently than most neurotypicals. When you ask some people a question,...they may not understand your context and perspective,...but they understand their's, and will answer accordingly,...and you're stuck with "but that's not what I asked." Some people actually do live and see their world differently than you, and will struggle with communicating with you. Having said that, it is often helpful to pause before your question and be very specific with context. If you use general or non-specific questions, you're going to get all sorts of responses you weren't expecting, leaving you frustrated, with the need to further narrow the question down,...so just take that second or two and narrow it down beforehand.

So, there is no surprise that we miscommunicate. Some call it "talking past each other",...you two are saying the same thing, from different perspectives and verbiage, but one or both think you're arguing. The trick is recognizing it and calling it out early in the conversation. Furthermore, some people have a general or limited knowledge about a topic (even if they, themselves have a lot to say about it and think they are experts,....Dunning-Kruger effect),...but in reality know little about what you may be talking about and may not be able to frame an answer to your questions.
 
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Said every single journalist who ever asked a politician a direct question.

From an autistic/neurodivergent perspective, you ARE frequently thinking differently than most neurotypicals. When you ask some people a question,...they may not understand your perspective,...but they understand their's, and will answer accordingly,...and you're stuck with "but that's not what I asked." Some people actually do live and see their world differently than you, and will struggle with communicating with you.

So, there is no surprise that we miscommunicate. Some call it "talking past each other",...you two are saying the same thing, from different perspectives and verbiage, but one or both think you're arguing. The trick is recognizing it and calling it out early in the conversation.
I never understood why politicians do that, I'm always so put off them when they don't address the question being asked but assuming their motive is to come across well to voters does that mean that NT's don't have the same expectation of the answer following from the question and are fine with it? Or else it would be too costly for the politicians to do it.
I always seem to forget the different perspective thing, I can agree that we must have different perspectives but when I'm explaining something, if its not too complicated I can never imagine that someone else won't be able to see it.
 
If what you ask is something they assume everyone should know, they may be unable to answer because they cant think that you dont know that, and because they dont know how to answer.

Like if we ask an NT to explain us how to know the proper time to participate in a group conversation.
 
That happens a lot to me online. Usually I ask obscure/complex questions cause they're the ones I can't search for. But people act like I asked a related, simpler question and answer that, then when other people come by they see the number of comments, think "they answered his question" and don't look at the thread.

I think I'm a good communicator online is the thing. Better than most people. And these days I clarify the question a ton to "plug the holes" and stop people from confusing it with anything else. It still happens.

I get a lot of people get very uncomfortable when they can't answer a question. I'm one of them. But online? When whoever's asking doesn't even know you exist yet? Why not walk away?
 
That happens a lot to me online. Usually I ask obscure/complex questions cause they're the ones I can't search for. But people act like I asked a related, simpler question and answer that, then when other people come by they see the number of comments, think "they answered his question" and don't look at the thread.

I think I'm a good communicator online is the thing. Better than most people. And these days I clarify the question a ton to "plug the holes" and stop people from confusing it with anything else. It still happens.

I get a lot of people get very uncomfortable when they can't answer a question. I'm one of them. But online? When whoever's asking doesn't even know you exist yet? Why not walk away?

I do also try clarify, with examples and so on. The clearer I communicate the longer the post and less people read it. :confused:
 
I never understood why politicians do that, I'm always so put off them when they don't address the question being asked but assuming their motive is to come across well to voters does that mean that NT's don't have the same expectation of the answer following from the question and are fine with it? Or else it would be too costly for the politicians to do it.

Having watched a number of politicians and journalists interact,...two things happen,...either the journalist keeps firing the same question over and over in hopes of a direct answer,...or they don't expect a direct answer and just keep going on with the interview. I don't think it has anything to do with being neurotypical,...but rather politician evasiveness,...talking and talking without actually saying anything of any significance.
 

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