Being misundertood

[Aspychata]

Maybe your tone and choice of words is it. Perhaps your comeback would be the same question worded differently and smile or concentrate on adding a little energy to your question with your voice or preface your question with, okay l understand what you said. Thank you for your response, l was more looking for why ( blah blah blah). Perhaps people aren't paying attention, don't know what your asking or are simply idiots and can't answer your question so they answer with something else instead of admitting they have no clue. We really don't want to look stupid at the shark pool as others have pointed out.

 

[Crossbreed]

(The thread title made me think of the same song. )

 

[Thinx]

I think our lack of agendas is one of the defining characteristics that is different from people who are neurotypical. They use communication in a different way, and they assume we do too, understandably, because to them, the norm is, everyone has agendas. I think it's automatic for them, and part of the way they are wired, it is what gives rise to the complexities of varying cultures also.

 

[Ban]

I think our lack of agendas is one of the defining characteristics that is different from people who are neurotypical. They use communication in a different way, and they assume we do too, understandably, because to them, the norm is, everyone has agendas. I think it's automatic for them, and part of the way they are wired, it is what gives rise to the complexities of varying cultures also.

I think this is a core issue I have, how do you predict what other people will infer about your agenda before you say it if you have no intended agenda?

 

[SimonSays]

I think this is a core issue I have, how do you predict what other people will infer about your agenda before you say it if you have no intended agenda?

You probably can’t. All you can do is be you. What comes from that is out of your hands.

 

[Crossbreed]

I think this is a core issue I have, how do you predict what other people will infer about your agenda before you say it if you have no intended agenda?

Even we have agendas, but our childlike qualities make them to be less duplicitous.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

I think this is a core issue I have, how do you predict what other people will infer about your agenda before you say it if you have no intended agenda?

Well, this is something that can be done. One good thing about NT is that once you learn what is normal, it will apply to many sittuations.

Lets put some examples:

If you get close to an atracctive girl that is used to reject many guys a day and starts a conversation, that girl may think that you are sexually attracted to her and the conversation is not what you really want.

If you get close to a person in the street who has to reject many sellers or poor people asking for money, that person may think that you will also want money and not conversate.

If you are walking your dog and you start talking to a person who has dogs, they may think you want your dog to socialice with theirs.

If you start talking with the mother/father of a friend of your child they may think you want to discuss something about the kids.

If you start talking with a person at an anime/manga convention they may think you want to have a casual chat about anime/manga and wont suspect hidden agendas. Thats why freaky events are great to meet people in a cassual way, the hidden agenda here is exactly to meet people who share that hobbie.

So people will think that your hidden agenda is similar to the agendas of other people they face in simmilar circunstances and who have a simmilar gender/look/behavour of you. (The gender/look/body language part is important too)

So take that to your advantage.

Not sure if what I say was too obvious of gave some value. Feedback is welcome.

 

[Ban]

Well, this is something that can be done. One good thing about NT is that once you learn what is normal, it will apply to many sittuations.

Lets put some examples:

If you get close to an atracctive girl that is used to reject many guys a day and starts a conversation, that girl may think that you are sexually attracted to her and the conversation is not what you really want.

If you get close to a person in the street who has to reject many sellers or poor people asking for money, that person may think that you will also want money and not conversate.

If you are walking your dog and you start talking to a person who has dogs, they may think you want your dog to socialice with theirs.

If you start talking with the mother/father of a friend of your child they may think you want to discuss something about the kids.

If you start talking with a person at an anime/manga convention they may think you want to have a casual chat about anime/manga and wont suspect hidden agendas. Thats why freaky events are great to meet people in a cassual way, the hidden agenda here is exactly to meet people who share that hobbie.

So people will think that your hidden agenda is similar to the agendas of other people they face in simmilar circunstances and who have a simmilar gender/look/behavour of you. (The gender/look/body language part is important too)

So take that to your advantage.

Not sure if what I say was too obvious of gave some value. Feedback is welcome.

I like that thanks, so think about how the situation looks and what people in that situation might be expecting.

 

[Hypnalis]

@Ban

The lack of context in your first two posts is probably an indicator to the nature of the answer.

An example - note this isn't intended to match your real situation (which you haven't described sufficiently). It's a synthetic "polarizing scenario" to make you think about context:

If e.g. you work in a restaurant kitchen, and ask a chef about how they are cooking or preparing something while they are working, you won't get a good answer, and they will probably form a bad impression of you.
BTW - chefs are notorious for resenting interruptions, but it makes sense if you understand how restaurant kitchens work. Outside work they're usually much more relaxed.

Similarly (I think this came up before?), if you're being shown how to do something, and you ask something that interests you, but the instructor knows it isn't relevant, you'll get a similar kind of response.

Note that both examples are of the questioner wasting both their own and other people's time. You may not actually be doing this (too little information) but it's the kind of thing you should be asking yourself.

FWIW there are standard "formulas" for checking if someone who's working has time for non-essential communication. Are you using one?

 

[Ban]

@Ban

The lack of context in your first two posts is probably an indicator to the nature of the answer.

An example - note this isn't intended to match your real situation (which you haven't described sufficiently). It's a synthetic "polarizing scenario" to make you think about context:

If e.g. you work in a restaurant kitchen, and ask a working chef about how they are cooking or preparing something while they are working, you won't get a good answer, and they will probably form a bad impression of you.
BTW - chefs are notorious for resenting interruptions, but it makes sense if you understand how restaurant kitchens work. Outside work they're usually much more relaxed.

Similarly (I think this came up before?), if you're being shown how to do something, and you ask something that interests you, but the instructor knows isn't relevant, you'll get a similar kind of response.

Note that both examples are of the questioner wasting both their own and other people's time. You may not actually be doing this (too little information) but it's the kind of thing you should be asking yourself.

FWIW there are standard "formulas" for checking if someone who's working has time for non-essential communication. Are you using one?

I think it is definitely possible that people are in some sense just too busy to have the time to think about what I'm asking and maybe don't think what I'm asking is that important.
I haven't heard of those sort of formulas, what are they?

 

[Hypnalis]

You've almost certainly heard them, but not fully contextualized them

The basic formula is to ask "Do you have time for a question about <topic>?
There are lots of different ways to frame it.

Note that the question is set up for a negative answer to be easy, and/or for them to set conditions, particularly on how much time you get.

It's implied that you'll watch for signals from them that your time's up, and leave gracefully when asked, even if you'd like more time.

Note that you must do this - in general it's not polite to force them to explicitly tell you their time's up. They'll signal verbally, or maybe by doing things like turning back to a screen, taking up a pen, looking at their watch, etc. If you have to be told because you've missed signals, you reduce the chance of a "yes" next time you ask.

 

[Ban]

You've almost certainly heard them, but not fully contextualized them

The basic formula is to ask "Do you have time for a question about <topic>?
There are lots of different ways to frame it.

Note that the question is set up for a negative answer to be easy, and/or for them to make conditions, particularly on how much time you get.

It's implied that you'll watch for signals from them that your time's up, and leave gracefully when asked, even if you'd like more time.

Note that you must do this - in general it's not polite to force them to explicitly tell you their time's up. They'll signal verbally, or maybe by doing things like turning back to a screen, taking up a pen, looking at their watch, etc. If you have to be told because you've missed signals, you reduce the chance of a "yes" next time you ask.

Ah yes, I can see that would be useful. It would definitely save me annoying people by looking for more than they have the time/energy to give so I can adjust what I'm asking accordingly.

 

[iamlindsaythatisall]

I have this reoccurring problem where when I ask a question people often seem to be responding to a different question to the one I'm asking. Even when I tell them that thats not what I'm asking and try to explain what I mean they almost always just keep giving that same original response and they seem to get frustrated that I'm not accepting their answer.

This… definitely happens to me all the time. I’m also bad at rewording the question to get the answer I need. I tend to get frustrated, give up and figure it out on my own, which isn’t always the best thing to do… I wish I had some advice for ya, but I still struggle with this one, myself :/

 

[Judge]

This… definitely happens to me all the time. I’m also bad at rewording the question to get the answer I need. I tend to get frustrated, give up and figure it out on my own, which isn’t always the best thing to do… I wish I had some advice for ya, but I still struggle with this one, myself :/

I suspect you're in good company in this regard.

 

[Ken]

I have this reoccurring problem where when I ask a question people often seem to be responding to a different question to the one I'm asking. Even when I tell them that thats not what I'm asking and try to explain what I mean they almost always just keep giving that same original response and they seem to get frustrated that I'm not accepting their answer.

That is me almost every day. Pretty much exactly as you describe.

But, I have noticed that that goes both ways. I miss a lot of what others are saying. I am beginning to learn how to know when that is happening; when something is said that makes no sense, I assume I missed something critical in the sentence.

I'm still learning, however, because many times I did not miss anything, but the logic of the sentence simply makes no sense. A lot of people are fine with missing or illogical statements. But, I cannot make sense of any statement if any part is illogical, missing words or fragmented. This used to be a major issue between my wife and me. But, now we are both getting to understand the issue. She doesn't get as angry with me anymore when I tell her that I can't make sense if what she just said. She has become more patient to rephrase and to understand that logic is hard requirement for my understanding.

A good example is displayed in the movie Ghostbusters Afterlife. In almost every conversation between Callie and Gary Grooberson, no sentence is every completed. It seems that most of the communication is made by expression and mannerisms. I thought that was funny because it is seems so real to me. I am frustrated in real life by that same communication method.

 

[Danni59]

You've almost certainly heard them, but not fully contextualized them

The basic formula is to ask "Do you have time for a question about <topic>?
There are lots of different ways to frame it.

Note that the question is set up for a negative answer to be easy, and/or for them to set conditions, particularly on how much time you get.

It's implied that you'll watch for signals from them that your time's up, and leave gracefully when asked, even if you'd like more time.

Note that you must do this - in general it's not polite to force them to explicitly tell you their time's up. They'll signal verbally, or maybe by doing things like turning back to a screen, taking up a pen, looking at their watch, etc. If you have to be told because you've missed signals, you reduce the chance of a "yes" next time you ask.

I find I go crazy trying not to miss the "signals" etc (in general). I'm so scared of people's reactions to/rejection of my autisticness I think I see signals where there probably aren't any. I get out of there before I can outstay a welcome. Although, it hasn't worked out well for me.

 

[Ban]

That is me almost every day. Pretty much exactly as you describe.

But, I have noticed that that goes both ways. I miss a lot of what others are saying. I am beginning to learn how to know when that is happening; when something is said that makes no sense, I assume I missed something critical in the sentence.

I'm still learning, however, because many times I did not miss anything, but the logic of the sentence simply makes no sense. A lot of people are fine with missing or illogical statements. But, I cannot make sense of any statement if any part is illogical, missing words or fragmented. This used to be a major issue between my wife and me. But, now we are both getting to understand the issue. She doesn't get as angry with me anymore when I tell her that I can't make sense if what she just said. She has become more patient to rephrase and to understand that logic is hard requirement for my understanding.

A good example is displayed in the movie Ghostbusters Afterlife. In almost every conversation between Callie and Gary Grooberson, no sentence is every completed. It seems that most of the communication is made by expression and mannerisms. I thought that was funny because it is seems so real to me. I am frustrated in real life by that same communication method.

I definitely have this problem, if any part of the statement doesn't add up to me I tend to throw the baby out with the bathwater and have a hard time taking any of it on board. If I can tell there is a mistake somewhere I can't assimilate the information until I can make sense of it