Being "mothered" by people

[SunnyDay16]

This happens to me a lot.
A couple girls seem to think I'm stupid or something.
Like the other day I was in gym class. I hate gym class, even though I love being active. It's the fact that it's so loud and crazy in gym.
Anyway, I was getting really scared in gym the other day. When I get a sensory overload I sometimes start to hyperventilate. And I was doing that.
Anyway, this girl came over and began talking to me like you would a 2 year old. I appreciate that she cared, but I'm not stupid and I don't want to be treated like I am!

I can see how you would be a bit offended by that. Even though the mothering is usually well-intentioned, it can be offensive when it reflects society's views on autism and disabilities in general. The views that people with disabilities are incapable of handling themselves and need to be "looked after" or spoken to in a baby voice.

 

[DesertRose]

I think I lost a friend by being that way. Wasn't meaning to be, just don't know how to act caring I suppose.
I am from the South, and I cannot stand it when women say honey, and sweetie, etc. Im not your daughter, or neice, or a child, and certainly not your sweetheart, please don't, just don't. Especially if they're younger! I do it to younger children, but come on, an adult? Nah. I know they're just being kind in their own way, but it's annoying. And men doing it? Nope, that means something else, don't go there, dnot even think about it, my husband wouldn't be too happy. Lol

 

[SunnyDay16]

I think I lost a friend by being that way. Wasn't meaning to be, just don't know how to act caring I suppose.
I am from the South, and I cannot stand it when women say honey, and sweetie, etc. Im not your daughter, or neice, or a child, and certainly not your sweetheart, please don't, just don't. Especially if they're younger! I do it to younger children, but come on, an adult? Nah. I know they're just being kind in their own way, but it's annoying. And men doing it? Nope, that means something else, don't go there, dnot even think about it, my husband wouldn't be too happy. Lol

I don't even live in the South but some women do call me honey, sweetie, love, and dear. The female clinicians and therapists I have dealt with especially tend to do this. I'm not even that much younger than them, so it's a bit weird, but I guess they're trying to be kind.

 

[tlc]

My mom does that but that's her job so I have to accept it.

I dated a few people like that and I hated it. I told them repeatedly but it didn't sink in. Adjusting my shirt, adjusting my hair, trying to control my foods and meds, telling me my thoughts were wrong, all made me feel very small. Standing in front of me for 30 seconds or more adjusting my hair in public was the thing I hated the most. Made me feel like I couldn't do anything for myself, but they thought it was cute. Seems to be either that, or people couldn't stand me. No happy medium. I just wanted to be accepted as me.

 

[Ylva]

That's probably the case. I can give off a distressed look I think without meaning to especially when I'm anxious. I'm guessing that older women tried to mother you because you maybe reminded them of their own children or grandchildren thus kicking in their maternal instincts. For me though sometimes even women my own age give off the motherly vibe.

Then their maternal instincts are dehumanizing.

If you feel an unmaternal attraction to somebody, if someone awakens romantic or sexual feelings, you don't just act on that as though you had their consent. You obtain consent first, you can't just assume that it's okay to act on the attraction. Why should this be any different?

 

[Janet]

Something I've noticed happening to me is that I will attract women not much older than me who feel the need to "mother" me by asking me if I need help with something or if I'm okay. The female therapists and professionals tend to be like this too. They'll call me "honey" and "sweetie" and stuff, which is a bit weird because I'm not a whole lot younger than they are. This isn't the South either, so it's not like they're terms normally used here.

I'm wondering if anyone else has went through this? It's comforting, but also unnerving because I try my best to appear competent and intelligent, but people (almost always women) seem to treat me like a child by trying to care for me or being overly nice. I wonder if I'm giving off a helpless sort of vibe or something, because I am pretty quiet and don't really talk unless someone talks to me first.

It's possible I'm just overthinking it, because some people just have that caring bone in them that causes them to want to mother people. I sometimes want to do the same to those I feel bad for, even if I try not to do it because I don't want to come across as patronizing.

Yes! Esp. when I was younger - even women younger than I would call me honey or treat me a bit like I was a cute child. It was kind of frustrating and I always wondered why they could do it to me and yet I could not do it to them (not quite realizing that it just wasn't my personality to do so).

 

[Janet]

Yes, I read that was a trait recently and it's so true for me! When I was 18, I looked 14. When I was 23, I'd go to a nightclub (because I thought I was supposed to like doing that) with my 20-yr-old cousin. She and her friends would get in with crazy fake IDs saying they were 30. I'd need to show them my real driver's license AND my college ID! Oh and when I moved out at 27, the landlord insisted on meeting my dad to prove I was over 18! I showed him my driver's license but it wasn't enough.

 

[Pats]

Don't think it's meant to be condescending, but it FEELS condescending.

 

[Fino]

Ahhhhhh I'm so glad you brought this thread back, @Pats!!!!!

I've been talking about this with a friend of mine for months!!!! I get this all the time, men and women!

And it's confusing because I like that they're nice but it also makes me feel like they think I'm "retarded". Even though it sucks, I'm relieved it seems to be a common experience.

 

[Bedlamite]

It's possible I'm just overthinking it, because some people just have that caring bone in them that causes them to want to mother people.

Its a given that we, who are on the spectrum, have a tendency to over analyze situations and how others act and react towards us. In my mind, I feel like my wife sometimes treats me like a twelve year old. (my actual age is 65) I have had a very difficult time overcoming this but I believe it is a sub-conscience attribute for women, who have a "motherly" instinct. So, it may be normal and we all need to embrace this with a sense of understanding. Now, when it happens to me, I ask myself; "Is this treatment harming me or is it my ego (pride) interfering with a sub-conscience expression of love?"

 

[paloftoon]

If someone calls you a term you don't like, you can simply state that to the person. Try to be 1-1 if you can when stating that. You don't have to go through the explanations if it's too much to think about. Just simply say calling me "Honey" or whatever word annoys me. Please call me by my (name) instead.

If they try to badger you that it's okay, walk away or tell them that this is how I feel and whether it's okay or not, it's not okay being done to me -period. You didn't know before and now you know. So, please try to respect that as I will try to respect you too.

It doesn't matter what the social "etiquette" or "culture" is. When you can express yourself in this manner and stand up for yourself professionally, that automatically commands the respect you deserve.

 

[VioletEglantine]

I think that this is just how many nice ladies show affection. I wouldn’t take it personally. I mother everything and everyone. I try to be respectful about it but it’s not something that I can shut off.

 

[paloftoon]

Another thought just occurred to me. You say you are very quiet. Are you so quiet to the point that you don't initiate a response when it's necessary? If that happens a lot, then maybe people are mothering you because your silence gets to the point that it might even be socially inappropriate to say nothing when something should be said? I have no idea. Just a thought.

 

[some/aspies/need/hugs/13]

I get mothered a good bit and some women have mothered me to the point of special hugs like a woman gives a boyfriend and I don't mind it at all. Also my exgf used to let me cuddle up to her if I was worried.

 

[heavenleeblue]

thru my life, people seem to have the need to give me advice, watch over me and judge me(not so negatively), my friends do give me comfort but usually when i express my sorrows.

This is the way my mother has always been with me, always over my shoulder telling me where i am wrong and telling me what to do and think. It is interesting to see that I kinda have the same mothering issue even tho it is in a diffenrent form. I know i always had issues remembering things and I often make careless mistakes, but i never asked for this kind of mothering behaviour, when i have a question i usually ask to the one in charge(at a job).
I am a fully functional human and as i am working thru my self-esteem on an everyday basis, my decision and objective are built much stronger than they were before but still people tend to give me advice and make sure I haven't forgotten something, and I am thinking to myself ``mate you are really not helping me getting thru this difficulty i have, i must get thru this alone``

I think we need to change our behaviour in order to fix this, i know i often look lost or stress out and i do not like to explain what i am doing. examine the way you act when people give you this kind of attention and if it is really worth the effort of changing it you can find ways to do so.

I think that to separate from what our parents have made us (in behaviour and intellectual way), is a part of growing up.

Peace