I think belonging and fitting in are two different things. I've never been particularly interested in fitting in - why would you want to fit into a particular social group if they bully others, or into a political movement that does the same, or any kind of group that has significant dysfunctions in it? And when you have a group of accepting people, they don't get insecure about differences, especially benign differences around ethnicity, eccentricity, gender, sexuality, cultural differences, etc. Then you don't have to "fit in" because your differences are accepted and often embraced too.
But only emotionally healthy people can do this, and that's why it's not the norm. Most people are emotionally quite immature, even when they're older, and feel threatened by differences, and play "us versus them" etc. It's best not to hang around people like this too much, and to find safe and kind people to socialise with first and foremost. Then we are in a good position to deal with difficult people who may be emotionally immature or just plain nasty. That's when approaches such as in
the book mentioned in another thread, on calm assertiveness, can come in really helpful. Plus, remembering that we are all imperfect and works in progress, and we don't know anyone's history just by looking at them.
So I've always just wanted to be me, from the time I was little, and to make my own mistakes and learn for myself and to say what I think and feel, without playing games around it. I'm not "in the norm" - I'm an outlier, and though I'm not NT I also don't fit comfortably into Aspie, with which I share traits. I don't feel any particular nationality even though my passport says I'm Australian - I'm an immigrant and I first and foremost just feel human, and like an international citizen. I don't fit comfortably into any kind of box, pretty much with anything.
But that stuff doesn't actually concern me. I don't think it helps to put people into little boxes, we're all individuals and along continuums in all sorts of ways. The boxes tend to create an "us versus them" outlook. I prefer to think of people as being people and having qualities, not being box XYZ.
So no, I wouldn't want to "fit in" - too much has to get trimmed off to do that, and that would actually diminish me, and my interactions with others, and what I can do in this world. (Note I'm not talking about cultivating negative qualities like being cut-throat and ruthless or purposely disrespectful and uncaring and unkind etc, which I wouldn't think was right. Just being
me.)
But
belonging, that's a good thing. So depending on what's around me, and whether I feel welcome, and accepted, and useful, I feel like I belong or I don't.
I've always felt I belonged in nature - unconditionally, whenever I went out there (being lucky enough to grow up near some really wild areas). I did not feel at any point that I belonged in my family of origin, who were really dysfunctional - there was a lot of emotional starvation and all kinds of abuse, including physical and psychological. Most of my emotional and social needs and quite a few physical needs went unmet there. I was raised by people who were emotionally immature and narcissistic as a result. My older sibling was the golden child and I was basically Cinderella.
It takes a long time and a lot of hindsight to come to terms with your own family story. I think I was incredibly lucky that a child isn't just raised by its parents, but by the village, so to speak, and I had good people in my "village" growing up. So there were significant adults who were warm and supportive and really good role models, like my Grade 1/2 teacher, a good number of my high school teachers, various neighbours, and the parents of childhood friends. Also I did have a warm relationship with my grandmother (who lived a distance away, and then sadly we emigrated when I was 11 and only saw her one more time, but we corresponded until she died). Whenever we were in Italy, the whole village there saw kids as belonging to them (Italians and children!
) and I had many great experiences with warm safe adults making me welcome. And in those situations I felt like I belonged.
Workplaces, depends on the attitudes of the people there. If there's a critical mass of people who have their hearts in the right place, I readily feel like I belong. If not, not. I usually felt like I belonged when I was in a classroom teaching high schoolers, which I did for about 15 years - because most of the time I was able to create a safe and warm environment with good boundaries where students could be respected as human beings and therefore thrive. And then you can all have so much fun and learning on all sorts of levels, including the curriculum!
I loved really connecting with people in my care and learning from them too. Also the sense of wonder a lot of young people have about the universe, and the social and relationships learning and existential stuff that you get to contribute to. Mind you, that doesn't happen in all schools because they're varied ecosystems, but I was lucky that it happened over 50% of the time for me, and that was really worth it, and I truly felt like I belonged, in those instances. Right place, right time, mutually beneficial, good relationships, productive and joyous.
I feel I belong when I'm with animals, and I feel like I belong when I'm with my partner, at least 95% of the time (as all of us also have difficult things to deal with in relationships). I feel like I belong when I listen to good music or read a good book (and I see that as part of the "village"). I feel like I belong when I meet up with good friends, or when I host nice guests on our eco-farm.
Many people on this forum have gone out of their way to be kind and inclusive to me and even though I am new here it is already giving me a sense of belonging.
? After my visit I can see why it's considered one of the happiest countries. I'm sure there are other places that are great too, but right now this is at the top of my pedestal.
