Bi-polar information

[Sarah S]

Hi SARAH!!!! So glad to get back in touch with you, I hadn't heard back or maybe that was my fault, but missed talking with you! Thank you for posting this for me! This isn't my son with the Asperger's, he has really changed a lot for the better! He has been a perfect son lately.
This is my step son that has come to live with us for a few years now that has the bi-polar and addictions.
I have to take my mom to the grocery store soon but maybe when I get back we can go on the personal chat again. Thank you for this info, I appreciate it.

Hello again. AH the other son with the problems with his wife etc... now i remember. That warms my heart the other son has made it thru all his problems. Im still here as you can see so il be here Il start up the thread . Anytime my friend.

 

[MC1Rcat]

One question (well maybe more after this one lol) if the medication turns them into Zombies and makes them forget things and be tired all the time, how do they even function or change their behavior other than just Zombie them out? How do they ever live a normal life? Does your cousin go to work? or is he on disability?

I think that the answers to these questions are very much dependent on the severity of the BPD and the amount / type of medication they are on. I can give 2 examples at opposite ends of the spectrum, because my roommate/ ex has milder BPD and only takes trileptal, and my cousin has severe BPD and is on a few medicines, topomax, lithium and I am not sure what else. I know he takes 3 or more things.

Roommate: Has never been hospitalized, but has been arrested for threatening behavior. He has never hurt anyone. He has had a very good union job for many years, makes a lot of money. He is very good at masking his condition in front of others, very good with people if he wants to be, and many people in his family don't even know he has BPD. They just know he was a very naughty kid, got into trouble a lot. When I met him he was taking 2 trileptal a day and was able to live by himself, go to work, had an immaculately clean apartment, well groomed, cook for himself, and have visits with his children/ take care of them. Basically, a normal life, and he seemed to have an offbeat personality. He is a good person. At 2 pills a day, he would be very tired by the end of the day and fell asleep by 9pm. If he had a beer, it would knock him out right away. He didn't regularly drink or smoke marijuana for that reason. On 1 or 1/2 pill trileptal + smoking Marijuana at least 2xs a day, he is still able to maintain a normal seeming life. Main difference is that he does not have an interest in relationships as much and does not care about things he used to.."can't be bothered". He can stay awake much later at night and has more energy. He also takes things a lot more personally and has more episodes of mania or depression. We got divorced at this stage. Once the alcohol gets added in, he loses control more and has more mania and anger problems. He is still able to reel himself in though, as he has been "behaving himself" for the most part ever since I said I would call the police a year ago. He forgets things a lot, and when he is drunk he can say mean things, and he cares even less for things / people. He is also less cooperative with doing things around the house.

Cousin: Has lived with his parents most of his life, except for a roommate in college and a girlfriend later on. Neither of those situations lasted more than 6 months and he had to go back home. He was able to get halfway through college and had to leave because of the BPD. Has never been able to have a job. He has tried to work part time several times, but always ends up having an episode after about a week. He also does not like to be around a lot of people at one time. He does socialize and has a lot of friends, but it has to be in small doses and when he is ready, or he gets overwhelmed. He has been hospitalized at least 6 times, but never institutionalized. My aunt is a nurse and she could have kept him home by claiming medical responsibility for him. Sadly, my cousin will never have what is called a "normal" life. He knows he wouldn't be able to handle having a wife and/ or children. Gladly, he seems okay with that. He would like to have a pet one day, but thinks he might neglect it at times, so he cannot. He has been on disability since he was almost 18, and will be for the rest of his life. The medicines that he takes make him very tired and he has to prioritize his activities in order to get necessary things done. He is often too tired to do what he wants to do. The medicines also seriously affect his memory, speech pattern, and he has a very hard time maintaining a healthy body weight regardless of dieting and exercise. He does not have problems cooperating with others or with anger, etc when he takes his medicines. He did use some alcohol and drugs in college. But after realizing that these things were accelerating his mental problems, he stopped and has not had any for over 20 years. He has a lot of problems finding the right combo of meds and frequently has episodes when they are not working for him or when he is changing meds. He has to be very careful to get enough sleep, and to eat on time, and to avoid too much stress. Otherwise, these things can push him over the edge...even on meds. He sees his psychiatrist and psychotherapist regularly.

 

[MC1Rcat]

doesn't it effect you mentally to have to deal with that?

Yes, living with my roommate does have an effect on me mentally. I have to remind myself on occasion, when he makes certain comments or suggestions to me, that he is not dealing with reality.....and that I should not follow his advice or pay attention to what he is saying. It used to be harder for me, having to have this sort of wall up with him, but it is necessary and I am used to it. It has become less stressful over time, because I have shown him that I will not tolerate a lot of his difficult behavior. I told him that I know he can treat others respectfully and that he can co operate....because he does it at work all the time, and with his family...therefore I expect him to do that with me as well. I deserve just as much respect as everyone else. He said that it is hard for him to keep the "mask" on all the time and he needs to be able to decompress when he gets home. I can understand that, because of ASD, I mask a lot outside too, but I don't treat people badly... so I still expect him to be nice. So, he watches tv a lot and goes out to the park and takes walks a lot, and seems happy with that most of the time. I do ask him sometimes on the weekend if he took his meds, and he does have episodes sometimes...more often on the alcohol....but it has not been too bad over the past few months. I think my roommate is the type of BPD that can help his situation, as SarahS was saying. I think he can be manipulative and expect people to accomodate him well beyond what is reasonable.....but I have made it clear that I am not playing that game. So, he does not try getting away with it so much anymore.

I am not sure how severe your step son's BPD is or how much he is able to regulate his own behavior.. it seems like if he was able to be a stay at home dad and be responsible for the kids, that he must be able to control himself to some degree.

 

[MC1Rcat]

I don't want this to go that way also with my step son, he has never had to deal with things on his own and want to get better. At this point he understands that he is hard to live with but it is our fault that we can't live like this because we don't understand him. He wants to keep the same life only with us understanding him and his ways and be okay with that. Do you think your cousin had those feelings also? Is your cousin still drinking alcohol?

I think he has unreasonable/ unfair expectations of you and your husband. Yes, people should try to understand it isn't his fault that he has mental problems and try to help him...but he also needs to take responsibility for himself and do what he can to help himself as much as possible. From what you have said, it sounds like he is not doing that. He is not seeing a psychiatrist or a therapist as often as he should and he is taking THC gummies to get high. Two red flags in my book. I am sure he knows he should be seeing the dr and going to therapy. Also, if he needs the THC to try to feel better, he is aware that he needs help w/ his meds or he isn't taking his meds the way he should be...and he is trying to substitute drugs instead. I understand he may be an addict.....but he likely became an addict because he was unknowingly or knowingly self-medicating for BPD or anything else that may be going on with him. If he is on the right meds, he won't feel a need for the THC gummies as much anymore. Most of the meds for BDP will satisfy the dopamine imbalance he will feel from quitting. It is something he can talk to the dr about. My cousin had a hard time stopping smoking cigarettes for this reason, and the dr told him which medicine to take more of to get past the issue successfully.

Some people may disagree with me, but I think taking drugs like THC, etc are not a good substitute for meds for BPD...because it causes a dopamine high....and for someone with BPD, too much dopamine can cause a manic state. It slows down the whirlwind of thoughts in the mind, but it carries a high risk of mania, which can then cycle to depression.

 

[MC1Rcat]

So, here are some more thoughts for you on dealing with your step son:

He is in the middle of a disability case. I am assuming he is citing BPD as his disability. In order to win his case, he has to prove that he is doing all he can to help himself and that he is complying with medical treatment ....and that it is not enough to enable him to be able to work either from home or outside of the house. He needs to maintain his appointments with his dr and therapist, so that they can say yes, he is still currently in treatment, and despite this, he still cannot work. They will be asked to provide recent documentation of this. Since he isn't going, they cannot support his claim. He may also have a problem because he has moved out of state and has not found a new doctor... therefore, looking like he is willfully avoiding treatment and may be able to work if he got treated. That is something that he should be concerned about. Talking to him about this may encourage him to go to the dr now. Also, when my cousin moved to another state, years after getting on disability, they re-evaluated his case because of this move and almost threw it out. He had moved in with his girlfriend, but ended up having a bad episode and became hospitalized. It is because he was hospitalized during the review that they decided he was still disabled. Your step son's move may have negative implications for his case.....therefore, it would be a good idea for him to talk to his attorney. Maybe the attorney will make him see a psychiatrist and get back into therapy. Even if his case is no longer requiring documentation for a decision now, it will come up for periodic review. Therefore, he needs to stay in treatment in order to get documentation of his disability status from his doctors. SSDI can review his case for any reason, at any time.

I think I remember you saying that he has never worked. If this is really the case, he will not be able to get SSDI disability in the USA. After the age of 18, if you become disabled (or if you are disabled as a child and wait til after 18 to file for SSDI) you will not qualify if you have never worked, because you have not paid enough social security taxes to cover yourself. I am not sure what the minimum number of years or hours you have to have worked...but there is a requirement, and regardless of how disabled you may be, you will NOT get anything if you don't meet the requirement. I know this because I am currently in the process of applying for SSDI myself for severe dysautonomia, and I have had to provide them with proof and qualify for having worked enough. My cousin with BPD almost didn't get disability because they didn't know about this rule and luckily they applied a month before his 18th birthday. This is something you may want to look into. I think, if you aren't able to get SSDI and you cannot work, you still might be able to get SSI....which is for people who are extremely low income. You can also probably get food stamps and Medicaid. But you cannot get SSDI or Medicare if you have never worked and are 44 years old. Both food stamps and Medicaid have a work requirement if you are not too sick to work, and he may still have to maintain proof from drs of his condition. Those both come up for review every 6 months and you have a very limited time to send in documentation.

I am not sure what his options are. Either way, disability does not give people enough money to survive on these days. He will continue to need financial help if he is not living in some sort of care facility. I am not sure if he realizes how hard it is to be on your own with only SSDI or SSI to cover expenses....it is a very hard life. Food stamps do not give you enough money to buy food for a whole month and Medicaid does not cover all types of care. He will be getting substandard medical care and may have to go without proper treatment for some things. (You cannot pay out of pocket for medical care, or you can lose Medicaid...even if you have to borrow the money. They assume if you can afford to pay, you don't need Medicaid and can be charged with fraud). I know because I have food stamps and Medicaid and deal with those issues. If he does not try to get help for himself and do all he can, and he keeps burning his bridges with people in his family due to horrendous behavior, he will end up having a very hard life. Also, I hate to be morbid, but parents are not around long enough to take care of their adult disabled children for their entire lives. He needs to realize this and stop acting like a spoiled brat. Also, while on disability, you cannot inherit a lot of money or you can lose SSDI due to too much "income". Trusts can be set up, but someone has to administer it, and you cannot ever have more than $2000 in your bank account at any time or you will lose disability. (They can access your bank accounts at any time). You also have to report any monetary gifts or income worth more than $90...and it is subtracted from what you will get in your monthly SSDI check... even if it is a one time thing like a birthday present. Living alone on disability means living in serious poverty. Someone should explain all of this to him....it will probably change his attitude.

 

[VAW]

Yes, living with my roommate does have an effect on me mentally. I have to remind myself on occasion, when he makes certain comments or suggestions to me, that he is not dealing with reality.....and that I should not follow his advice or pay attention to what he is saying. It used to be harder for me, having to have this sort of wall up with him, but it is necessary and I am used to it. It has become less stressful over time, because I have shown him that I will not tolerate a lot of his difficult behavior. I told him that I know he can treat others respectfully and that he can co operate....because he does it at work all the time, and with his family...therefore I expect him to do that with me as well. I deserve just as much respect as everyone else. He said that it is hard for him to keep the "mask" on all the time and he needs to be able to decompress when he gets home. I can understand that, because of ASD, I mask a lot outside too, but I don't treat people badly... so I still expect him to be nice. So, he watches tv a lot and goes out to the park and takes walks a lot, and seems happy with that most of the time. I do ask him sometimes on the weekend if he took his meds, and he does have episodes sometimes...more often on the alcohol....but it has not been too bad over the past few months. I think my roommate is the type of BPD that can help his situation, as SarahS was saying. I think he can be manipulative and expect people to accomodate him well beyond what is reasonable.....but I have made it clear that I am not playing that game. So, he does not try getting away with it so much anymore.

I am not sure how severe your step son's BPD is or how much he is able to regulate his own behavior.. it seems like if he was able to be a stay at home dad and be responsible for the kids, that he must be able to control himself to some degree.

Thank you, again I see a lot of similar traits in what you said.
Expecting that we accommodate him without too much consideration for us, however he has tried at things he knows bothers us and has gotten better in some areas. He wants me and his dad to do a zoom with Alanon. We are going to do that but his dad doesn't really want too, as we were talking this morning, We can't cope with things and unless he goes and gets the help he needs first how will anything change? His dad wants to see him getting the help he needs to change first. The healing comes after that!

 

[MC1Rcat]

q

Thank you, again I see a lot of similar traits in what you said.
Expecting that we accommodate him without too much consideration for us, however he has tried at things he knows bothers us and has gotten better in some areas. He wants me and his dad to do a zoom with Alanon. We are going to do that but his dad doesn't really want too, as we were talking this morning, We can't cope with things and unless he goes and gets the help he needs first how will anything change? His dad wants to see him getting the help he needs to change first. The healing comes after that!

You're welcome. I understand your husband's point of view. You guys aren't the ones who should be doing the majority of the work to make things better.....and it sounds like your step son needs to make a more serious effort. I can see that you seem determined to try to understand his situation and that you are trying hard to be compassionate and helpful. That is all that can be expected of you. I have never been to alanon..so I don't know how much help or support they offer. It might be a good resource for the help available to him in your area.

 

[VAW]

q

You're welcome. I understand your husband's point of view. You guys aren't the ones who should be doing the majority of the work to make things better.....and it sounds like your step son needs to make a more serious effort. I can see that you seem determined to try to understand his situation and that you are trying hard to be compassionate and helpful. That is all that can be expected of you. I have never been to alanon..so I don't know how much help or support they offer. It might be a good resource for the help available to him in your area.

Thank you MCIRcat, you have helped me so much!

 

[MC1Rcat]

Thank you MCIRcat, you have helped me so much!

You're welcome, I am happy to help!