BIL’s gf may be undiagnosed. Need advice

[Lexilu]

My brother in law has been dating a girl for about a year now. We know very little about her because we cannot engage her in a meaningful way. All questions asked are met with one-word responses. She had never asked us any questions about ourselves and so knows very little about us. She won’t make eye contact with us. She follows my brother in law wherever he goes, but has no interest in socializing with us.

One telling event was that she came to our beach house this summer with my brother in law. She did not speak or address myself or my husband during the weekend (it is our house) and did not say thank you for hosting her. I feel this is very unusual for someone in their late 20’s.

It is having an adverse affect on our family. Our children are upset bc their uncle effectively ignores them when she is around. My mother in law is at her wit’s end bc she is trying to get to know this girl and is making no progress. The most recent event is that he did not come to Mother’s Day brunch bc she did not feel like coming. My mother in law was in tears. She was still sleeping at 11 in the morning (again I think this is unusual for someone her age). We are a close-knit family and have tried talking to him, but he says she is “really shy.” He has even blamed me for not being “welcoming,” though I’ve never had a problem forming friendships with his previous girlfriends.

Anyone have any advice on how to deal with this situation? All attempts at meaningful engagement have met with no results and we are out of ideas.

 

[tree]

 

[Bella Pines]

There's one thing that it doesn't sound like you have tried.

And that is, stop trying to control the situation and accept her.

My mother in law is at her wit’s end bc she is trying to get to know this girl and is making no progress.

Progress? What does that even mean? Is she a project? Are you trying to create some stepford wife sister in law that wears yellow dresses and bakes pies?

Not talking to someone is not a crime. It simply is. If she is on the spectrum then she will talk when she has something to say.

The most recent event is that he did not come to Mother’s Day brunch bc she did not feel like coming. My mother in law was in tears.

That's not an "event", it's a choice that she has every right to make.

He has even blamed me for not being “welcoming,” though I’ve never had a problem forming friendships with his previous girlfriends.

I would have to agree with him. If there is a problem here, it's with your needy mother in law. In tears because someone doesn't behave as she wants them to? What is she a teenager? I would suggest back off the poor girl and ease up with the creepy clan mentality.

 

[onlything]

Welcome Lexilu.

I'd say give her time. She'll come around. Forcing her to socialising while she clearly doesn't feel comfortable with that is definitely a bad idea. At best it may cause her to close off more, at worst to fully back-pedal and disappear from your life.

It's not a good idea to judge people from little interaction. She could be autistic, or have depression, ptsd, other mental disorder, even just be a jerk. It's still better to give her some benefit of doubt. It was only 'about a year', as you said. It would be a good idea to stop trying to control the situation and trust your brother in law to decide about who he wants to spend his life with.

Mother's Day brunch absence... I know many people that get really overhelmed with the idea of spending prolonged amount of time surrounded by strangers. Who knows what stopped her? 'Simple' anxiety, meltdown, even panic attack? I'm not trying to guilt trip you or something, just to show that may be important reasons you may now understand at the time and to give it some time and patience.

 

[Lexilu]

I’m not sure where you were raised, but where I’m from you are respectful to the parents of someone you are dating. My mother in law is not “needy” for trying to get to know someone that her son could potentially marry. It is not a “project” for her. She is genuinely trying to get to know this girl who is staying over at her home.

I disagree that she did not have to attend Mother’s Day brunch. My brother in law brought her to his mother’s house to celebrate mother’s day. She was a guest in my mother in law’s house. She should have attended or stayed home if she didn’t want to participate in family activities. Sometimes as adults we have to “suck it up and do things we don’t want to.

 

[Juliettaa]

Loads of red flags in your opening post; thankfully @BellaPines has addressed them so there's no need for me to duplicate.

 

[Lexilu]

Thank you for your helpful response.

QUOTE="onlything, post: 505641, member: 18134"]Welcome Lexilu.

I'd say give her time. She'll come around. Forcing her to socialising while she clearly doesn't feel comfortable with that is definitely a bad idea. At best it may cause her to close off more, at worst to fully back-pedal and disappear from your life.

It's not a good idea to judge people from little interaction. She could be autistic, or have depression, ptsd, other mental disorder, even just be a jerk. It's still better to give her some benefit of doubt. It was only 'about a year', as you said. It would be a good idea to stop trying to control the situation and trust your brother in law to decide about who he wants to spend his life with.

Mother's Day brunch absence... I know many people that get really overhelmed with the idea of spending prolonged amount of time surrounded bu strangers. Who knows who stopped her? Simple anxiety, meltdown, even panic attack? I'm not trying to guilt trip you or something, just to show that may be important reasons you may now understand at the time and to give it some time and patience.[/QUOTE]

 

[Bella Pines]

I’m not sure where you were raised, but where I’m from you are respectful to the parents of someone you are dating. My mother in law is not “needy” for trying to get to know someone that her son could potentially marry. It is not a “project” for her. She is genuinely trying to get to know this girl who is staying over at her home.

You're not asking for respect, you're asking for obedience and conformity.

If you show this level of hostility to her, then you have your answer.

 

[Juliettaa]

I’m not sure where you were raised, but where I’m from you are respectful to the parents of someone you are dating. My mother in law is not “needy” for trying to get to know someone that her son could potentially marry. It is not a “project” for her. She is genuinely trying to get to know this girl who is staying over at her home.

I disagree that she did not have to attend Mother’s Day brunch. My brother in law brought her to his mother’s house to celebrate mother’s day. She was a guest in my mother in law’s house. She should have attended or stayed home if she didn’t want to participate in family activities. Sometimes as adults we have to “suck it up and do things we don’t want to.

Actually, we don't have to suck anything up. We're all free to make choices.

I'm pretty impressed that your BIL girlfriend actually went along to stay in someone else's home. I wouldn't do that and have refused countless invitations from countless sources over the years because I simply did not have the capacity to attend; that was my choice, my prerogative.

Your BIL's girlfriend is in a relationship with him, not his family.

 

[clg114]

Welcome to AutismForms!

 

[Bolletje]

I’m not sure where you were raised, but where I’m from you are respectful to the parents of someone you are dating. My mother in law is not “needy” for trying to get to know someone that her son could potentially marry. It is not a “project” for her. She is genuinely trying to get to know this girl who is staying over at her home.

Respect is a two-way street, though. You should respect that the way you were brought up is not the only way, that some people were raised differently, and that family gatherings are not fun for everyone. It doesn’t matter whether she’s on the spectrum or not, she seems to have difficulty showing up for such gatherings, and you’re not making it easier by putting pressure on her.
As for your mother in law being in tears, that just seems like a disproportionate reaction to me.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I disagree that she did not have to attend Mother’s Day brunch. My brother in law brought her to his mother’s house to celebrate mother’s day. She was a guest in my mother in law’s house. She should have attended or stayed home if she didn’t want to participate in family activities. Sometimes as adults we have to “suck it up and do things we don’t want

Understanding autism a little better will cause you to change these statements.

That may be part of it, you need to learn a little more.

It's s difficult thing to 'get'

It can also be a tough journey and many people give up or can't take it.

Not knowing social rules and therefore not being aware of social expectations can be a big part of it.

 

[VioletHaze_03]

Maybe she was just trying to survive being out with you guys, as brutal as that sounds. Family gatherings are hell for us, and I never do anything for mothers day for that reason. Having more than one or two people around can be overwhelming for an aspie (I find it uncomfortable to be with both of my parents at once, it's either I spend time with only my mom or only my dad) And then you have unscripted events. We don't have the social skills to know what do around strangers, or predict how they will act or react. I can only give one word answers around people because i'm so scared of what they'll say, and it hurts me to hold their gaze. I can only follow my parents around at these events, as I don't want to embarrass myself. Aspies need to interact on their terms and their terms only. You're making her interact on your terms, which is why you're not having any success. If you ever want to make her feel comfortable at a family gathering, it needs to be very, very small. Maybe have the brother and mother and law spend time with her one on one. Also Do YOUR RESEARCH! you don't sound like you understand aspies at all, and you need to research and question every aspect of her behaviour before you can start working with her. She may not be on the spectrum at all, but it's still important to accept her differences, rather than belittle them. When you and your family can understand, they can begin to accommodate. Your gatherings might be a bit different, but everyone will feel welcome.

 

[onlything]

As others already said, crowded gatherings are just really stressing for us. 1 on 1 may not be the best idea but 1 on 1 + Bil would definitely make it. She's different than you and it needs to be understood to proceed. Some autistics remind me of scared animals in this aspect - move too quickly or be too pushy and they'll scutter off.

 

[55853]

I’m not sure where you were raised, but where I’m from you are respectful to the parents of someone you are dating. My mother in law is not “needy” for trying to get to know someone that her son could potentially marry. It is not a “project” for her. She is genuinely trying to get to know this girl who is staying over at her home.

I disagree that she did not have to attend Mother’s Day brunch. My brother in law brought her to his mother’s house to celebrate mother’s day. She was a guest in my mother in law’s house. She should have attended or stayed home if she didn’t want to participate in family activities. Sometimes as adults we have to “suck it up and do things we don’t want to.

I agree with you. It is completely natural for your mother in law to want to get to know her. It is true adults have to do things we don't want.

However, she potentially has a disability that would make it much harder for her. She might really want to get to know your mother in law, but have no idea on how to. She might be struggling to get the words together to ask or phrase questions. She might be struggling to answer questions on the spot, therefore only giving one word answers. She might find eye contact intimidating. She might be following your brother in law because she does not know how to or struggles with socialising with you. She might not have known she was supposed to go to the brunch or it might have been too much for her.

If these are the case, it's not because she doesn't want to. Autism can make people miss things, such as knowing she was supposed to go to brunch, and it makes it harder to socialise, such as getting to know someone. She may be trying her best, already doing things she doesn't want to. If that's the case, and if she is anything like me, she is possibly more frustrated with herself than you are with her.

 

[Tom]

Well, where I was raised we only had dirt and corn stalks as toys and we were thankful for them. And we didn't talk to strangers much. Unless they came into the cornfield that is....

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Well, where I was raised we only had dirt and corn stalks as toys and we were thankful for them. And we didn't talk to strangers much. Unless they came into the cornfield that is....

Dirt plus a stick.

 

[Mary Anne]

The one thing that really annoys me here is when a person comes to stay as a house guest, or comes to dinner- they cannot say “thank you” for the hospitality? This is a younger generation issue I have heard of several times before and reeks of no manners. I understand the quiet shyness, but it’s been a year now. C’mon, this is appears to be rudeness or something else that the brother in law could help explain.

Shyness or aspie issue not withstanding- this older 20-something has no manners. Someone in their late 20s is expected to know better AND the brother in law (having been raised with some) should explain it to her. I completely understand and agree with bewildered Lexilu and her family. You cannot expect people never exposed to disability to know it when they see it, nor to understand what it is. I do not understand the anger in posts here.

Now if she is disabled, one would have to wonder why the brother in law has not bridged the issue with family as he is well aware of the strife it’s all causing. Then, my annoyance is with 100% with him.

If he does not want to bridge the discussion, and he knows the chaos and strife bringing her around is causing (it’s not getting better- only worse) then one has to question his motives to bringing her around. It’s difficult for all parties involved.

Again, my annoyance is only with no “thank yous.”

 

[kay]

When I was in my 20's I would have been very quiet and mostly unable to utter a word of politeness or ask a question in such circumstances. It just wouldn't have came out even if I wanted to get the words out. Even at 40 when meeting my then boyfriend's family for the first time I had trouble, though by then I had learned to utter thank yous and suffer required hugs. But in my 20's when I tried all the expected niceties I often said welcome in place of thank you or some other mix up. It would leave people a bit confused and it took years of very deliberate practice to over come it. Fortunately my husband's family understands just fine without much explanation at all. They have been very accepting and over the years I have been able to converse much more than when we all first met. If the girlfriend is either extremely shy or autistic just try to be understanding and realize that she very well may doing her absolute best and appreciate how much effort she has made.
I had some sorta distant, maybe a few times removed, cousin who I shall call Pete who I never heard utter a word. He would merely nod to welcome you and then sit listening to conversation before excusing himself with another nod when I presume he had hit a people limit. Didn't need to know why, no one who knew him seemed to need to know why. That was Pete and everyone seemed to understand that a nod from him was equal to everyone else's hour of small talk.

 

[onlything]

The one thing that really annoys me here is when a person comes to stay as a house guest, or comes to dinner- they cannot say “thank you” for the hospitality? This is a younger generation issue I have heard of several times before and reeks of no manners. I understand the quiet shyness, but it’s been a year now. C’mon, this is appears to be rudeness or something else that the brother in law could help explain.

Shyness or aspie issue not withstanding- this older 20-something has no manners. Someone in their late 20s is expected to know better AND the brother in law (having been raised with some) should explain it to her. I completely understand and agree with bewildered Lexilu and her family. You cannot expect people never exposed to disability to know it when they see it, nor to understand what it is. I do not understand the anger in posts here.

Now if she is disabled, one would have to wonder why the brother in law has not bridged the issue with family as he is well aware of the strife it’s all causing. Then, my annoyance is with 100% with him.

If he does not want to bridge the discussion, and he knows the chaos and strife bringing her around is causing (it’s not getting better- only worse) then one has to question his motives to bringing her around. It’s difficult for all parties involved.

Again, my annoyance is only with no “thank yous.”

I cannot agree with you here, @Mary Anne. When you're highly overhelmed and/or want to run away, the last thing you think about are manners. Maybe you never had this problem and if so then great but there are people that do and that simply cannot think about anything else than leaving during some situations. Also, let's not forget about selective mutism being one of the often seen traits. Maybe it is just your vast experience talking. 20 something is not really that old after all and additionally, some learn societal nuances much slower than others.