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BIL’s gf may be undiagnosed. Need advice

The whole thing sounds over-the-top. If you have a problem with something, talk it out calmly and try to work out a way you can all compromise, like adults. While you and the others may see it as her not compromising with you, I haven't seen any evidence to suggest you're doing the same for her. It does just sound like a big overreaction over a very minor issue to me. Why not invite her out with just you and the BIL a few times, so she gets used to you? And if she doesn't want to go, at least she's being honest and not going just because she feels obligated to (which is a lot worse, in my opinion).

The one thing that really annoys me here is when a person comes to stay as a house guest, or comes to dinner- they cannot say “thank you” for the hospitality? This is a younger generation issue I have heard of several times before and reeks of no manners.
Like others have said, when you're feeling very overwhelmed, it can sometimes be impossible to do even that. I remember when I was in university and a girl I was kind of friends with came into my class with new glasses and it took almost the whole class time for me to be able to mention that they looked nice - the intent is generally there, but not always the ability. (In fact, on another occasion, I said 'thank you' to someone and they didn't hear me because I speak very quietly, so it's easy to miss.)
 

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