boyfriend meltdowns and leaves

[I am that which I am]

Yes, you know him better than us so that might be best in your situation. If you wait then at least you are not putting yourself in a vulnerable position. We are still here to support you while you wait.

 

[Patience]

Thanks. I feel he is unreachable on the phone or email. That just won't work with this guy. He said I "pushed him away" but it seemed to me that he pushed himself away. I'm guessing if I pull back he will maybe close that gap. No way to tell, it's just an awful situation. Thanks for waiting it out with me.

 

[Judge]

I still grieve for all those lost relationships. Part of the downside of self-awareness of my own autism. I could have done so much more had I understood myself and my partners better...so much remorse.

 

[abby normal]

Thanks. I feel he is unreachable on the phone or email. That just won't work with this guy. He said I "pushed him away" but it seemed to me that he pushed himself away. I'm guessing if I pull back he will maybe close that gap. No way to tell, it's just an awful situation. Thanks for waiting it out with me.

I sure hope you can find somebody that will treat you better.

 

[Carlito]

Hello- thanks for taking a moment to read this and respond.

My boyfriend of 1.5 years has had a couple of meltdown/rages in the past few months. He's not diagnosed but he really has most of the characteristics described. His sister told me she has suspected he is aspergers for most of her and his life- over 50 years. She says he is inpenetrable to her and always has been with huge walls up. At times in his past he has been seriously suicidal according to her. 98% of the time he is the most loving, gentle, kind, intelligent, amazing man I've ever known. I'm deeply in love with him.

Twice he blew up over general relationship mild disagreements, and once over his perception that I would make him late for something. I also saw him blow up at his sister on the phone and he destroyed my phone, screaming.

When he goes into the meltdown/rage there is no warning, it just explodes. He will either get really quiet and start packing up all his belongings and start leaving our house, or he just starts screaming. I have seen him jump up and down on his glasses, crushing his jacket buttons. I have seen him smash my phone on the floor over and over, then go catatonic for several hours. I have seen him hit his head into the wall over and over and collapse sobbing.

He had a meltdown/rage about 5 weeks ago because he thought I was upset about something I wasn't really upset about. He packed all of his stuff and broke up with me. I tried to talk to him about what was going on and he started to rage. He left. The next day he said he just needed a break, needed some space to sort things out. A few weeks later he said he didn't know if he wanted to see me because he would want to get back together and return to the same problems. He said getting that upset was a huge red flag to him that he should be away from me.

Since then he has been basically unreachable and totally shut me out. I did see him at a social occassion recently and he introduced me as his girlfriend to everyone. I'm very confused. I sent him a letter saying I was very much in love with him and wanted to support him. That I thought our relationship was fantastic and we just needed to work on how we are communicating. I pointed out the causes of his meltdowns as he described to me, and showed him how it would have been a non-event if he didn't anticipate my feelings were negative towards him.

I have no idea what to do. I am depressed myself now, exhausted, crying all the time, and I can't seem to engage him.

Any advice would be great. I don't want to push him by trying to talk about it, but I don't want him to leave forever.

Hi Patience! I did a similar thing to my girlfriend about a month ago. I had things eating away at me about our relationship that I couldn't communicate to her in manner she understood. It made me furious. Without going into detail about our situation, I think I can help you because it sounds so similar to our fall out! You need to ask him what it is that he is struggling with in your relationship......and don't be defensive in how you respond to what he says. He may misunderstand or misinterpret your actions to his response. This has been a big problem for us since I am not the best at reading the non-verbal communication and facial expressions. I also see the world in black and white, right and wrong, there is no grey area. He is probably sees things the same. Also be careful not to misinterpret what he tells you! What we do now is I try to stay as calm as possible, and have been doing good. I actually had to get off some medication the doctor had me on (Effexor) because it actually made me worse as far as temper. Now we both try to remain calm and I explain to her why I am upset when she does or says things that strike a nerve. She then explains to me what she meant (because most of the time I was misinterpreting). It's kind of ironic, because I sometimes think she has more Asperger tendencies than I do, and she doesn't have Asperger Syndrome (well at least not diagnosed). I am very high functioning and have not ruled out that she may have the same problem. Well, this was very short, but still long winded, but I hope it helps. And if he is not seeing someone he probably should. But please also consider the possibility that perhaps the two of you need to see someone!! It took a while for my girlfriend to realize that, but things have been better since!!

 

[Patience]

That's a great idea, thanks! If I can gain access to him again, I will try it!

 

[Patience]

Facial expressions are a problem for sure. Often he has gotten upset at me for a look on my face. I have just paused to think and he decides I'm mad, and responds to that. No end to the misinterpretations. If he could just ask, instead of assume and respond, it would make a huge difference.

 

[Judge]

Facial expressions are a problem for sure. Often he has gotten upset at me for a look on my face. I have just paused to think and he decides I'm mad, and responds to that. No end to the misinterpretations. If he could just ask, instead of assume and respond, it would make a huge difference.

Something to impress upon him. You can't preempt what he is thinking, but he can learn not to verbalize it. Kind of like observing people here when they make the same social faux pas over and over. I've learned to hold my tongue...ignore it if possible. Not easy, but I'm learning from the experience. Of course from one Aspie to another there's no guarantee of such a thing.

 

[Patience]

He has started texting me a bit on his own- no relationship talk but just what he's up to. I think that's good, making baby steps. But part of me is getting pretty angry too that's he's taking me for granted. Starting to feel like he's just a regular selfish jerk.
Anyone have insight in aspie males taking women for granted? He hasn't asked how I feel- but the truth is he had me in the bag before, and now, he would have to do some convincing to get back.

 

[Judge]

He has started texting me a bit on his own- no relationship talk but just what he's up to. I think that's good, making baby steps. But part of me is getting pretty angry too that's he's taking me for granted. Starting to feel like he's just a regular selfish jerk. Anyone have insight in aspie males taking women for granted? He hasn't asked how I feel- but the truth is he had me in the bag before, and now, he would have to do some convincing to get back.

With anyone on the spectrum of autism, there is the possibility that they manifest at times relative indifference towards others. It's not gender-specific unless there's something else at work here. Misogyny isn't an aspect of ASD that I'm aware of.

There are things we can improve on, and there are things we can't. If he's not even willing to address such a threshold, that's your queue to leave him on the periphery of your life and just move on. Otherwise you're likely to remain incredibly frustrated as you appear to be based on your most recent post.

 

[I am that which I am]

Well it is good that he is texting you on his own. I guess if those relationship talks start then he needs to improve on several fronts and needs professional help. Hopefully he does realize that he needs help, otherwise it is often wasted. He has to make at least half of the effort. That is if you still want to be with him. Aspies can have poor theory of mind, which is knowing what the other person is thinking. E. g. Perhaps he is not realizing that what he did hurt you. But many aspies find a way around that and realize that certain things do hurt others. You may want to share that he did hurt you with him and try to clarify what you can expect from him in the future. If he needs some alone time then there is a better way of going about it and for him to tell you so that you are not hurt and he does not break up with you to get it. Again, it is up to you if you want to deal with some distance at times or not, but it does not have to mean that the relationship is over or that there is something wrong with it. Some aspies just need more space. But he might be a jerk and never learn to treat you properly. Sometimes you figure that out when you have time apart from the person. I took a while to figure that out with one of my exs and gave him too many chances. There are some similarities with your story but my ex did not want to change so there was nothing to do. However difficult it was for me to figure that out and accept it.

 

[Sem]

I know this is a late response, but wanted to chime in. what about developing a written contract or agreement - that includes how you will meet your own and each others' needs? it could include how he can have time apart and how he and you will reconnect after, him doing some reading or research about ASD, etc. just a thought.