Boyfriend with Asperger's almost cheated. Advice please!

[xDominiel]

The thing with having Aspergers is that we only see the world through our eyes and nobody else's. Our feelings and needs come before anybody elses. This is because we are not emotionaly built like other people.

Well... That's about as extreme as it gets, we're like that to an extent but not all 100%. What you're describing sounds more like psychopathy. Plenty of aspies have very emotional minds but have trouble expressing it properly. We tend to have a hard time reading other people, and since we're bad with social cues we can often misunderstand what others would see as obvious. But, at least for me, when I take the effort of putting myself in other people's shoes I do for the most part understand their situation and why what I did upset them. And I do sympathize, and feel bad.

 

[MollyPolly55]

Well... That's about as extreme as it gets, we're like that to an extent but not all 100%. What you're describing sounds more like psychopathy. Plenty of aspies have very emotional minds but have trouble expressing it properly. We tend to have a hard time reading other people, and since we're bad with social cues we can often misunderstand what others would see as obvious. But, at least for me, when I take the effort of putting myself in other people's shoes I do for the most part understand their situation and why what I did upset them. And I do sympathize, and feel bad.

Well some people can't feel empathy and he might be one of them. If he can't see how cheating is wrong and how his gf would be devastated by his actions.

 

[xDominiel]

Well some people can't feel empathy and he might be one of them. If he can't see how cheating is wrong and how his gf would be devastated by his actions.

Could be. My guess is maybe he saw it as not as bad or "not counting" as cheating since it would be a transaction/service rather than a relation he made. In my mind that's no different but I've heard others rationalize their affairs that way before.

 

[MollyPolly55]

No I do not think that was the case if he saw it as bad or not bad. He wanted his needs to be met and since we think logically rather than emotionally, this was a good answer for him. Since (A.)his gf would probably not find out and (B.)he got he wanted. Logically this seems like an okay idea to his problem.

 

[MollyPolly55]

Well... That's about as extreme as it gets, we're like that to an extent but not all 100%. What you're describing sounds more like psychopathy. Plenty of aspies have very emotional minds but have trouble expressing it properly. We tend to have a hard time reading other people, and since we're bad with social cues we can often misunderstand what others would see as obvious. But, at least for me, when I take the effort of putting myself in other people's shoes I do for the most part understand their situation and why what I did upset them. And I do sympathize, and feel bad.

Also, lack of empathy does not equal psychopath. I've done alot of research on aspergers and learned why we cannot read facial expressions. When you are a child, you start mimicking peoples faces, thus learning to then feel what they feel. However, with aspergers we never got to that stage since we did not have those neurological pathways for some reason unknown. (That is also why we look decades younger than our real age. Because we do not use facial expressions the way NT people do.)

 

[MollyPolly55]

Well... That's about as extreme as it gets, we're like that to an extent but not all 100%. What you're describing sounds more like psychopathy. Plenty of aspies have very emotional minds but have trouble expressing it properly. We tend to have a hard time reading other people, and since we're bad with social cues we can often misunderstand what others would see as obvious. But, at least for me, when I take the effort of putting myself in other people's shoes I do for the most part understand their situation and why what I did upset them. And I do sympathize, and feel bad.

Here is the link to research on why people with Aspergers lack empty. Neuroscience Sheds Light on Why People with Asperger’s Syndrome Lack Empathy | Psych Central Also you stated that you have to make a conscious effort "to put yourself" in their shoes. This is not the true meaning of empathy. Empathy is feeling the SAME EXACT feelings at the same exact time as the other person. So yes, just because we understand (later on) why the other person got mad that does not mean we have empathy. We understand, because we are not dumb. But to feel it is something wayy different.

Just wanted to straighten out what you said because unfortunately lack of empathy is one of our major problems. And it is not because we don't care! Because we do actually care, unlike psycopaths who have NO remorse. Lol That is why we get hurt so easily when someone doesn't like us or when we think we said the wrong thing, or did not act a certain way infront of our peers.

 

[xDominiel]

Also, lack of empathy does not equal psychopath.

True, but psychopathy is usually what we're confused with. There's an entire website dedicated to "warning" people about dating aspies because apparently we are selfish people who see their loved ones as personal belongings. That's why that came to mind. Obviously we struggle more with empathy than NTs, but I don't agree that we lack it entirely.

Also you stated that you have to make a conscious effort "to put yourself" in their shoes. This is not the true meaning of empathy. Empathy is feeling the SAME EXACT feelings at the same exact time as the other person.

We have slightly different definitions of it then. That is of course one way it manifests, but would you not call the pain you feel when you realize you have hurt someone, or just when you realize someone is suffering and you can't do anything about it, empathy? I mean, the reason you feel that way is because you're able to empathize with being in that situation, right?

Also, making that conscious effort isn't something I have to do all the time, especially in more recent years, I feel like I've been able to pick up on their emotions much better, while still being a bit clumsy about it.

 

[ksheehan88]

IMO, infidelity is nothing to do with when you are NT or ND.

You are either a cheat or you are not.

He didn't go through with it, but as you said the woman never text him back so you don't know whether he would have done... Did you ask him if he would've had she got back to him?

Lots of really good bits of advice and opinion here, but don't put it down to the Aspergers, if its in him to cheat that's who he is, not what his neurological disorder makes him.

 

[paloftoon]

Well since, he didn't actually go through with it, I think he deserves another chance. But if it happens again, then move on of course.


This reminds me of something I did, but to a much lesser extent with asking a date inappropriate questions. I don't have any history with this person hardly, but the other guy did.

Not that no history should mean an automatic write-off necessarily depending on if both people think they can and want to work with each other in a romantic or even a friendship capacity, and all the complications that go along with if people are okay with potential has-been relationships turning into friendships instead or vice versa.

 

[paloftoon]

IMO, infidelity is nothing to do with when you are NT or ND.

You are either a cheat or you are not.

. . .

Lots of really good bits of advice and opinion here, but don't put it down to the Aspergers, if its in him to cheat that's who he is, not what his neurological disorder makes him.

Right, I think the confusion here is if the guy is truly so dense that he really didn't realize what he was doing. And if this really was the case, which it actually sounds like it was the case, then he wasn't technically cheating. I could see that being very, very possible. Of course, the only person who could truly know this is that person himself/herself.

 

[MollyPolly55]

IMO, infidelity is nothing to do with when you are NT or ND.

You are either a cheat or you are not.

He didn't go through with it, but as you said the woman never text him back so you don't know whether he would have done... Did you ask him if he would've had she got back to him?

Lots of really good bits of advice and opinion here, but don't put it down to the Aspergers, if its in him to cheat that's who he is, not what his neurological disorder makes him.

Right, cheating is wrong either way. However, I was trying to give this person a little insight on we process things. Usually, we always take out the "emotional" part of stuff, that is why we are seen as being selfish and not caring. It's different in NT people. They use their emotions while processing information or making decisions. This is where we differ and problems start to arise between the two.

 

[On the Inside]

You state that everything is going well in your relationship, except this incident. I would ask yourself and your BF if this is absolutely true.

I had a similar incident a few years back. My SO and I have a difficult relationship, it borders on abusive to me, though being male and aspie, I just take it. It was pretty bad at one point, and after a particularly bad night of her berating me, I learned that an old friend of mine was divorced and was asking about me. We had expressed romantic interest in each other in the long ago past but never acted on it.

Now, I agree that we Aspies are "loyal" to a fault, but I often question the true root of that loyalty, knowing how difficult we find building and maintaining relationships.

In my case, I felt that maybe my loyalty was misplaced with my current SO, and that maybe the true loyalty was with this old friend. I still had feelings for her, even though I had no contact with her for several years. And if she was still interested in me, then maybe questioning my loyalty to my SO was not unreasonable.

I didn't act on this new interest, other than a couple of phone calls, but had it continued, I think things might have gotten more involved. Being an "honest Aspie" I was unable to keep this renewed "friendship" a secret, and all hell broke loose.

Chastened, or chastised, I stayed with my SO (we have significant entanglements) and I broke off all contact with this friend and anyone involved with that time of my life. Things are finally back to "normal" with my SO, ie. she's just mad at me all the time about the little things in life, not some long ago lapse in "fidelity".

My point is, as I wrote early on; are you sure that everything is just fine between you two?

 

[ksheehan88]

You state that everything is going well in your relationship, except this incident. I would ask yourself and your BF if this is absolutely true.

I had a similar incident a few years back. My SO and I have a difficult relationship, it borders on abusive to me, though being male and aspie, I just take it. It was pretty bad at one point, and after a particularly bad night of her berating me, I learned that an old friend of mine was divorced and was asking about me. We had expressed romantic interest in each other, but never acted on it.

Now, I agree that we Aspies are "loyal" to a fault, but I question the true root of that loyalty, knowing how difficult we find building and maintaining relationships.

In my case, I felt that maybe my loyalty was miss placed with my current SO, and that maybe the true loyalty was with this old friend. I did still have feelings for her, even though I had no contact with her for several years. And if she was still interested in me, then maybe questioning my loyalty to my SO was not unreasonable.

I didn't act on this new interest, other than a couple of phone calls, but had it continued, I think things might have gotten more involved. Being an "honest Aspie" I was unable to keep this renewed "friendship" a secret, and all hell broke loose.

Chastened, or chastised, I stayed with my SO (we have significant entanglements) and I broke off all contact with this friend and anyone involved with that time of my life. Things are finally back to "normal" with my SO, ie. she's just mad at me all the time about the little things in life, not some long ago lapse in "fidelity".

My point is, as I wrote early on; are you sure that everything is just fine between you two?

Going off OPs post here, but you don't seem particularly happy in your relationship? I wonder, did you make the right decision?

 

[On the Inside]

Going off OPs post here, but you don't seem particularly happy in your relationship? I wonder, did you make the right decision?

For reasons of responsibility and being a stand up guy, yes. For reasons of personal happiness and fulfilment, no.

That was the purpose of my post, to get the OP to really think about the relationship
and determine whether things are truly solid.

 

[ksheehan88]

For reasons of responsibility and being a stand up guy, yes. For reasons of personal happiness and fulfilment, no.

I hear you there.

 

[midlife aspie]

For reasons of responsibility and being a stand up guy, yes. For reasons of personal happiness and fulfilment, no.


I totally get this. This is why I continue to stay in my marriage, but I find it harder to pretend that there is more there with each passing year. Eventually, we are going to have to face reality and get on the same page. There is no real anger or abuse present, but there is frustration on both our counts. I do care. Especially for the welfare of my kids.

 

[On the Inside]

"Eventually, we are going to have to face reality and get on the same page."

Get on the same page, or start reading different books, entirely.

You are fortunate there is no anger or abuse. Some are not so lucky. What I am exposed to is bearable, I have begun to see that she has a problem with me that she needs help with. I find it somewhat amusing, and it is helping me understand anger, intolerance, control issues, and why my dad behaved the way he did.

I feel I have done what I need to do.

But I have really isolated myself, more than I have ever been in my life, to the point that I have trained myself to not even try to make connections with others beyond very casual acquaintance. I do nothing with other people outside of work, and have no social life outside of this relationship. This is directly a result of my SO's "loss of trust" in me.

It is my logical conclusion to keep any such thing happening again.

I fear that the loss of trust that the OP is discussing may well descend into her BF either closing himself off for the sake of the relationship(as I have done), or continuing to break trust. Neither of those are healthy, so do try to delve deeply into the foundations of what holds the relationship together.

 

[ksheehan88]

If there is no trust, there is no point.

If you don't feel as if you can let this go, then you have to let him go.

You can't punish him, either conciously or subconsciously, for a mistake he (imo didn't) make forever.

 

[!!!]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

I would just like to mention again that I am not punishing my boyfriend! We have both agreed it is for the best that we spend some time apart so we can both decide if we want to move forward with our relationship. We are texting each other and speaking face to face every couple of days. I do not shout at him or make him feel bad about himself.

'On the Inside'....yes I do feel we have a great relationship. We are totally in love with one another and tell each other this every day. We never argue, we have so much fun, we can be ourselves around one another and we can both see us having children together. All of my friends and family say we are the happiest couple they know and that this is worth saving.

I just don't want to rush into things and he doesn't expect me to.

 

[sarajay]

OP, this is an oldish post, but just wanted to chime in that the same thing happened to me with an asperger's ex-boyfriend, whom I'd always thought to be "incredibly honest" as well.

We had a great sex life, and seemingly out of the blue he started cheating (I suspect with prostitutes and with women he met online as well). He denied it 10 times, until I final got him to admit that he was cheating on me, and had cheated in all of his past relationships. I'm still in shock. Of all the men I've ever dated, my awkward, nerdy, not nearly as attractive as he thinks he is ex is the LAST one I'd suspect of cheating. Just so you know, that he seems honest doesn't mean he actually is.

From what I gather in my research and in chatting with others, this is a very common thing (with apologies to my AS friends -- not suggesting all of you are cheaters or dishonest, by a longshot). So sorry you had to go through this, but you're not alone. I was shaken to the core, and it sounds like you were too.

Hi all,

I'm new to this site but I can across it while looking up if Asperger's can affect someone's sex life and their urge to cheat. Please read if you have time, I would appreciate some advice.

I have been with my boyfriend (who has Asperger's) for almost 6 years. We have a very loving relationship and we are best friends. We never really argue and we understand each other pretty well. Although he struggles to talk about his emotions, he always tells me he loves me and I know he does. However, we haven't had the most exciting sex life recently (for a number of reasons) and I found out a couple of days ago that he had contacted an escort and was thinking about cheating on me. Obviously I was mortified and completely broke down. When I asked him why, he said he was feeling frustrated and hadn't realised that doing this could affect our relationship and our future together. He said he never linked the two things together as doing something like that doesn't affect his love for me. He had texted the escort the week before but never went through with it. He said it is the only time he has ever thought about doing that and I believe him (he's incredibly honest).
I have come to learn over the years that my boyfriend never recognises the consequences of his actions. When he upsets me (even if it's something small) I have to explain why I'm upset and how his behaviour has affected me. Once I've explained it he realises what he has done, apologises and makes a conscious effort never to do it again. As soon as I found out I asked him to leave our home. He has been staying with his friend since and has been texting me telling me he's sorry and will not give up on us as it's too special. He has been totally distraught and even his Mom has been in contact with me to check I'm ok (he's openly told her everything).

I was wondering, could this urge to cheat be linked to his Asperger's in any way? I didn't think I could forgive him for this but at the same time 6 years is such a long time and I can't imagine having a future with anyone else. I am almost 29 and we were planning to have children in the next couple of years. If I took him back, is there a chance he has learnt his lesson?

I would like to hear your thoughts, especially from other Aspie's or people who have been through similar situations.

Thanks.

Hi all,

I'm new to this site but I can across it while looking up if Asperger's can affect someone's sex life and their urge to cheat. Please read if you have time, I would appreciate some advice.

I have been with my boyfriend (who has Asperger's) for almost 6 years. We have a very loving relationship and we are best friends. We never really argue and we understand each other pretty well. Although he struggles to talk about his emotions, he always tells me he loves me and I know he does. However, we haven't had the most exciting sex life recently (for a number of reasons) and I found out a couple of days ago that he had contacted an escort and was thinking about cheating on me. Obviously I was mortified and completely broke down. When I asked him why, he said he was feeling frustrated and hadn't realised that doing this could affect our relationship and our future together. He said he never linked the two things together as doing something like that doesn't affect his love for me. He had texted the escort the week before but never went through with it. He said it is the only time he has ever thought about doing that and I believe him (he's incredibly honest).
I have come to learn over the years that my boyfriend never recognises the consequences of his actions. When he upsets me (even if it's something small) I have to explain why I'm upset and how his behaviour has affected me. Once I've explained it he realises what he has done, apologises and makes a conscious effort never to do it again. As soon as I found out I asked him to leave our home. He has been staying with his friend since and has been texting me telling me he's sorry and will not give up on us as it's too special. He has been totally distraught and even his Mom has been in contact with me to check I'm ok (he's openly told her everything).

I was wondering, could this urge to cheat be linked to his Asperger's in any way? I didn't think I could forgive him for this but at the same time 6 years is such a long time and I can't imagine having a future with anyone else. I am almost 29 and we were planning to have children in the next couple of years. If I took him back, is there a chance he has learnt his lesson?

I would like to hear your thoughts, especially from other Aspie's or people who have been through similar situations.

Thanks.