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Break up

buttercuplols

buttercuplols

Well-Known Member
Hi

Erm, we broke up. This year was meant to be the year we got married but he said my anxiety and depression was killing him. He tells me I need to get better on my own and maybe in a few YEARS we could try again. He will find someone else before that happens and once again my Asperger's has ruined everything. If only I could have the courage to talk about how I feel rather than bottling everything up. And now I've left and it's been nearly a week and I still can't sleep and keep being sick. I'm a total wreck. Some kind words would be much appreciated. X
 
All I can come up with for words is that I am very sad for you... your present situation brings back memories of a past situation of mine. It can sure hurt...

Are you ready for someone to say that the pain will, eventually, pass?
 
I know that it feels like being an aspie is the cause of break ups; but actually it is the person themselves who cannot cope, who cause the break ups; unless you being an aspie, have not tried your best to improve?

Let this break up be a chance to get to know yourself and meditate on possible areas where you could change. Because he said that he cannot cope with your anxiety and depression; not: I DO NOT LOVE YOU ANY MORE. And said that if things get better, perhaps there is a chance.

You are the only who thinks he will find another. He has not said so. You are the one who, if you TRULY want him in your life, will fight for him.

There is hope and the reason is because being an aspie is not static; we can improve in certain areas.

My husband is an NT and often has looked at me as though I am mad, when I get into anger fits or meltdowns or due to severe social anxiety, cannot do such a simple thing as get out of our car and go into a shop on my own. He has said: I honestly see the white coats looming over you ie you are a mental case!
But we have been married for 25 years and he does not wish to break up with me.

Don't give up!
 
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This may come off as unkind, so bear with me! (I tend to think I'm being supportive only to be told what I said was too blunt and/or not kind. Sorry)

I'm sorry that your going through this pain right now. However, at least it happened now and not after years of marital discord because he never really 'got' you and your needs. I guess what I'm saying is that this pain will pass and someday you'll find someone who will be open and ready to accept you as you are and love you through the bad periods.

Maybe this post is too soon! Again, I'm sorry. This is the kind of thing I tell myself at times like this! Sending non-contact Aspie hugs and kind thoughts your way.
 
I don't really see how that's fair. A good partner - and future spouse would help you through your anxiety and depression, not run away. If that's the way he's going to be I think it's the best thing that you're out of that relationship because I don't think he's got the staying power for the demands a proper relationship and marriage. You're better off out of it now rather than finding yourself get depressed in 5 years after you're married and divorcing you then, it saves you more pain to have it done now. You'll get through it. I don't think it's necessarily Asperger's getting in the way. We all have times when we later think we should have said that or we don't have the courage or can form the words for the emotions we feel. Don't beat yourself up over this.
 
Sadly you are not alone in this regard. All of my relationships died given MY traits and behaviors. Though I didn't know of them at the time, I'm not sure how much self-awareness might have served me to avoid such break-ups.

At least you still have time to try at another relationship. Maybe the next one will succeed for you. Hang in there.
 
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Focus on doing activities and revisiting friends. It might be in your best interest to find a therapist just to talk things out. I was in a somewhat similar situation, and talking things out with a therapist helped me. So I'm not trying to say to see one in a demeaning way. Say one positive thing to yourself daily, exercise, drink a lot of water, and doing stretches or yoga can help.
 
Before that few years passes, I hope it is you that finds someone else -- someone who is not overwhelmed by your anxiety/depression, and wants to be there with you through the all the good and all the bad.
 
I am sad you have to endure that. He thinks you will be around for him in YEARS? That is really arrogant!

Yes, ASD has ruined lots for me, too, but as Nerd wrote -think how GREAT it is that you know now! Imagine going through divorce with ASD and possibly getting fleeced and hurt more.

Some people like folks with ASD. You can do way better.

Stay on here for a bit and slam post if that makes you feel better. Try to create something or make You Tube vids even if you keep them on private! Work out and remake something about yourself that he will never get to see or even if he sees it, he won't know or enjoy it. Someone else will :-)
 
I am so sorry you are going through a difficult period. AS-NT relationships are hard, for the neurotypical and atypical. Have you tried writing down how you feel? It could be handwriting in a journal or typing it in a post. It may help to find/make a list of various emotion words. That has helped me in the past to be able to express exactly how I felt.
 
Remember, a good relationship should be complimentary, not reliant. You can't rely on someone else to help and be there with you for your anxiety and depression. You need to be able to deal with this on your own before going into a relationship basically. If someone you find is willing to work with that at the beginning, that is a bonus. Focus on you first, and don't "burden" any potential person that you may be with. No one is perfect, but focus on how you can enhance yourself and the other person when trying to get into relationships.
 
buttercuplols said:
Hi

Erm, we broke up. This year was meant to be the year we got married but he said my anxiety and depression was killing him. He tells me I need to get better on my own and maybe in a few YEARS we could try again. He will find someone else before that happens and once again my Asperger's has ruined everything. If only I could have the courage to talk about how I feel rather than bottling everything up. And now I've left and it's been nearly a week and I still can't sleep and keep being sick. I'm a total wreck. Some kind words would be much appreciated. X
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I don't know you at all, but here's my thoughs: Aspergers didn't ruin this. Him being unable/unwilling to love you unconditionally, as you are, ruined it. In other words better to find out now than after spending years married to him. I find his conditions for another try offensive. If he doesn't want your problems, he doesn't want you. It apparently never occurred to him that he could be someone who could help you to do and feel better? That would have been love's solution, without the fear of "what if it doesn't get better?" Sorry he bailed. Good riddance, I say. There are worse things than being alone. We can't do a thing to help, but I'm certain I'm not the only who understands. Hurt your hurts, get better. It will take time.
 
Southern Discomfort said:
I don't really see how that's fair. A good partner - and future spouse would help you through your anxiety and depression, not run away. If that's the way he's going to be I think it's the best thing that you're out of that relationship because I don't think he's got the staying power for the demands a proper relationship and marriage. You're better off out of it now rather than finding yourself get depressed in 5 years after you're married and divorcing you then, it saves you more pain to have it done now. You'll get through it. I don't think it's necessarily Asperger's getting in the way. We all have times when we later think we should have said that or we don't have the courage or can form the words for the emotions we feel. Don't beat yourself up over this.
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I can't agree, because each individual has their own set of issues to contend with. Also it is not wrong, as it were, for someone to say: I can't cope anymore, if their own personality is being squashed.

Dealing with someone who is constantly anxious or depressed, can be a drag on the nerves of another who doesn't suffer that.
 
Honestly he sounds weak.

The last thing any of us needs is a weak partner.

I had a string of failed relationship s before meeting my wife, and I could have easily put them down to Asperger's had known about it. I thought I was crap at relationships and was attracted to bitchy women.

The truth was they were weak people. Self absorbed, egotistical and needy.

We all need help at times and my wife has my back at all times, and I'm the same for her. It has to be both ways.

Don't give up, and don't settle for less.
 
Suzanne said:
Dealing with someone who is constantly anxious or depressed, can be a drag on the nerves of another who doesn't suffer that.
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What if the person had cancer with a strong chance they could die and they're constantly in pain? Would that other person stay in the relationship then? And would it be okay if the person left that relationship because of that?
 
Southern Discomfort said:
What if the person had cancer with a strong chance they could die and they're constantly in pain? Would that other person stay in the relationship then? And would it be okay if the person left that relationship because of that?
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Yes, but that is not the case here. It is due to anxiety and depression; not a serious health issue.
 
Suzanne said:
Yes, but that is not the case here. It is due to anxiety and depression; not a serious health issue.
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This is the kind of stigma I see constantly, not taking depression seriously enough. I don't see how depression and anxiety is not a serious health condition. As I've said before depression is the number one killer of young males in Britain, that's ahead of cancer. I don't see how that isn't a serious health condition. Her depression - or anyone else's depression for that matter - could spiral out of control from a relationship breaking up, feeling like she has no one to talk to any more for all we know.
 
Full Steam said:
Honestly he sounds weak.

The last thing any of us needs is a weak partner.

I had a string of failed relationship s before meeting my wife, and I could have easily put them down to Asperger's had known about it. I thought I was crap at relationships and was attracted to bitchy women.

The truth was they were weak people. Self absorbed, egotistical and needy.

We all need help at times and my wife has my back at all times, and I'm the same for her. It has to be both ways.

Don't give up, and don't settle for less.
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Why weak? He is human and thus has his own issues to deal with? He was honest, which actually makes him strong.

If my husband said that he could not longer cope with me, I would respect that, because I am know I am difficult to live with.
 
I'm sorry about this but seriously I don't think that was the person for you. The right person would be there for you when you need them not after the fact.

Be strong, there are lots of good people out there. Until them we will try to support you until you feel better. :)
 
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