Break up

[xDominiel]

Why weak? He is human and thus has his own issues to deal with? He was honest, which actually makes him strong.

If my husband said that he could not longer cope with me, I would respect that, because I am know I am difficult to live with.

He was honest about being too weak to support his partner through hard times.

 

[Adder1234]

You have my sympathies, I understand how it feels to have your love life ruined by anxiety and depression. Still, (and I'm not trying to be rude here, just honest) at least now it's over; now you have a chance of moving on with your life. At least he was honest enough to admit the problem, instead of simply ignoring it and trying to act normally; my parents have done that and at this point they don't even talk any more. So, while it may hurt for a while, know that it will get better, whether by your partner returning to you or you finding someone new, who accepts you for all of your flaws. And if you want to chat about it, I'm available pretty often these days, and I always enjoy helping people with relationship issues.

 

[Professori]

Hi

Erm, we broke up. This year was meant to be the year we got married but he said my anxiety and depression was killing him. He tells me I need to get better on my own and maybe in a few YEARS we could try again. He will find someone else before that happens and once again my Asperger's has ruined everything. If only I could have the courage to talk about how I feel rather than bottling everything up. And now I've left and it's been nearly a week and I still can't sleep and keep being sick. I'm a total wreck. Some kind words would be much appreciated. X

I will would really like someone to show me anyone on planet earth who does not some kind of inner issue which bothers others, never mind themselves - there is not one!

So, for someone to say that to you means he is ignoring his own stuff and expecting you to please him, or be who he wants you to be. How is this realistic? It is way too shallow. So, what was so bad? That you are depressed, anxious? That you bottle things up - what else is new? Did he not know this before you decided to get married?

It is far better that you discovered this now, rather than later after marriage. Marriage is a killer to those who cannot handle the brokenness of others, never mind their own.

Asperger's is now the problem? That is just a moniker given to people who others cannot figure out to classify a group of people. Good grief, who decided to categorise us in order to regard us as different, when nobody on the planet is normal.

Is Asperger's now worse than psychopathic disorder, schizophrenia, sociopathy, ADHD, OCD, anorexia, etc., etc., etc.?
Perhaps this does not comfort you, but I am at the point of being fed-up with a bunch of self-righteous people who make themselves feel ok by downing others, but they themselves are as bigoted as possible in that they are just as bad, or worse.

This stuff, these categories, have all emerged from what is referred to as an intellectual, educated group of academics. Look at the mess we find as a result of the intellectual game-playing with society - I repeat, they have educated themselves into imbecility.

 

[Full Steam]

He was honest about being too weak to support his partner through hard times.

Yes.

Most people have inflated egos and they seek only to protect and further their ego, at the expense of anyone else.

These people tend to see their egos as a strength, but it's always weakness.

 

[nowwhat]

He was honest about being too weak to support his partner through hard times.

Which frankly, makes him unfit for any relationship. Because you never know what the future holds. And can anyone face themself after bailing out when their loved one's need was the greatest? What is the point of love and relationships then? People like this need to move to the North Pole before they sucker someone else in and then devastate them at the worst possible time.

 

[Gabi]

Hi

Erm, we broke up. This year was meant to be the year we got married but he said my anxiety and depression was killing him. He tells me I need to get better on my own and maybe in a few YEARS we could try again. He will find someone else before that happens and once again my Asperger's has ruined everything. If only I could have the courage to talk about how I feel rather than bottling everything up. And now I've left and it's been nearly a week and I still can't sleep and keep being sick. I'm a total wreck. Some kind words would be much appreciated. X

Some weeks ago I saw this girl's picture with her boyfriend and it had this caption: "Everything was good and you made it perfect". I thought it was such a wise thought. We should be able to feel great on our own, be independent and peaceful and happy. So when the right person comes along(and he/she must be in the same place as us), we can have a healthy relationship. So, I agree with what he said about you getter better on your own, I think some of the problems in relationships could be avoided if people felt already complete and good and were able to deal with their own issues on their own.

That said, I know break ups are a really hard thing to go through. I once read an article that talked about how similar the feelings about breaking up and someone close to us dying are. You have to go through a process of grief either way...

So, think you are entitled to be sad for a while. But don't take too long. Embrace the pain for a while but don't let the pain drown you. After that, take that experience as something to make you grow, so someday you can look back at it and be proud about how long you've come since then.

 

[Adora]

I agree with other comments here this could be a blessing in disguise for you because to me if his reasons are he cannot handle your anxiety or depression then he isn't the right guy for you and marriage to him would of been a big mistake,I know it would be hurting like heck right now but in the long run you will realise that YOU are the one who had the lucky escape,plus I cannot believe the nerve of your boyfriend to think you would be waiting around for him he doesn't deserve you at all.

 

[GeoGuy]

I'm so sorry buttercuplols, that's very sad indeed. I know what you mean, Asperger's has ruined the one relationship I had too.

It was only when I asked my girlfriend to marry me that it finally dawned on me she no longer wanted to be with me.

I am so sorry. And what's bad is, it can be easy for the partner to blame us because we don't know if it really is us, given the way our condition works.

I'll give you some cyber-hugs.

 

[Mary Terry]

Hang in there. It's going to be okay and you eventually will find someone to love and to love you. Rejection is hard for everyone, and at least he was honest with you about why he ended the relationship. Please use this experience as a catalyst to get some professional help for depression and anxiety to make your life better for yourself, not better for someone else.

And please don't think that marital love must be "unconditional". It isn't. If your spouse were abusive to you, you most likely would not return "unconditional love" to him/her. Marriage is a two way street. It is never the prerogative of one spouse to do anything they want under the guise of entitlement to "unconditional love."

 

[nowwhat]

And please don't think that marital love must be "unconditional". It isn't. If your spouse were abusive to you, you most likely would not return "unconditional love" to him/her. Marriage is a two way street. It is never the prerogative of one spouse to do anything they want under the guise of entitlement to "unconditional love."

This was assumed on my part, but yes. Very good point. No one should tolerate being abused in any way. We let each other down, but that is not the same thing as deliberate cruelty or being controlling and manipulating.

 

[Irene Helrose]

buttercupslol, I'm so sorry this happened. I don't know what I can say to make you feel better, but I wanted to let you know I'm sorry.

 

[Liam Sifr]

Hi

Erm, we broke up. This year was meant to be the year we got married but he said my anxiety and depression was killing him. He tells me I need to get better on my own and maybe in a few YEARS we could try again. He will find someone else before that happens and once again my Asperger's has ruined everything. If only I could have the courage to talk about how I feel rather than bottling everything up. And now I've left and it's been nearly a week and I still can't sleep and keep being sick. I'm a total wreck. Some kind words would be much appreciated. X

Hey Buttercup. I we do not know each other, but in no way has your Aspergers ruined anything. If anything, your relating this experience has shown that you have a different outlet for expressing your emotions and needs.

I'm not going to tell you about how there are other people out there. I am however, going to offer you the knowledge that you should be more forgiving with yourself. Give yourself time to heal, and love yourself.

While the future may or may not preclude his presence in your life, you are a creature worthwhile of love, from yourself and those around you.

From me and the rest of us here as AC, #Hug.

 

[Larisa]

I feel for your grief and confusion

If only I could have the courage to talk about how I feel rather than bottling everything up.

This part though...
I was told dozens of times exacly the same thing as stating my fault in failed relationships.
But after a while I started to speak open what I want to clarify - and I discovered that I got condemned twice faster.
It took me a while of watching other people to realise that they say 'speak, don't bottle' and they mean by that: 'speak how you humbly admire the partner and that you eagerly agree with everything he says'.
Because to honestly speak about real concerns - that a horribly 'bad taste' and is considered as an ungrounded accusation: 'How?! You DARE to doubt the best affords of your partner? You SHOULD be understanding and patient and to never complain or feel unhappy - or you are an egoistical mercantile *****!"

 

[Larisa]

In addition to my comment:

I wonder: had it happened to anyone else (beside myself) that what I called 'speaking out in open to get clear' was labeled by people around: 'you are just depressive', 'no, you can't think that way', 'you have to believe in better', 'change your perception and be optimistic', 'you are just trying to manipulate others', 'you play being a victim'/'it's a self-pity of yours' (hello there, I have only asked if I understood some thing correctly - within the context I observed on the larger picture) and so on?

I mean - the NT people are not telepathic and they do mess a lot by misunderstanding - but by the society's rules they forbidden to ask each other any questions and even if asked - to answer honestly.
It's on my observations how few people I met that are innerly relaxed and don't mind to communicate by questions-answers routines I'm more or less comfortable with - I notice how many of people I met in general (during all my life) who are geting angry and outright forbidding to ask them any questions at all.

 

[Maelstrom]

A good friend tries reach out to and try to help their friend if they are hurting or in trouble they don't just shrug and clear the social calendar.
Lack of effort shows a lack of love!
It applies in NT land and in Aspie land some aspies are cold and unfeeling and view friends as optional furniture.

 

[Larisa]

A good friend tries reach out to and try to help their friend if they are hurting or in trouble they don't just shrug and clear the social calendar.
Lack of effort shows a lack of love!

With all my respect to you personally, I disagree
According to my observations that routine leads a person to rip themselves apart, trying to look after their friends' happiness - and that soon degrade into politics of just 'making fuss' and holding upfront appearance of caring - and speaking badly about the friend behind their back.

I think that sincere relationships are about every person following their own life, comminicating with other people out of inner desire to see them and to talk to them, share with them - and at the same time to be ready to pay attention to the friend who asks for sharing his experience and showing support to his emotions by simple acceptance (non-judgement).

 

[Maelstrom]

With all my respect to you personally, I disagree
According to my observations that routine leads a person to rip themselves apart, trying to look after their friends' happiness - and that soon degrade into politics of just 'making fuss' and holding upfront appearance of caring - and speaking badly about the friend behind their back.

I think that sincere relationships are about every person following their own life, comminicating with other people out of inner desire to see them and to talk to them, share with them - and at the same time to be ready to pay attention to the friend who asks for sharing his experience and showing support to his emotions by simple acceptance (non-judgement).

Maybe? speak bad about a friend isn't good...sometimes messages are sent through friends to say, "hey you are not doing too god on the being a good friend front".
Maybe it is better to say it too their face?
Usually isn't a conversation that ends well tho.
Friendships require a certain amount of effort, loyalty and thoughtfulness....some friends require less than others... and some friends offer more grace than others.

post 35 was actually a message to someone!

Best wishes to you Larisa....I hope life is treating you well.

 

[Larisa]

Maybe it is better to say it too their face?
Usually isn't a conversation that ends well tho.

I think there is no other way.

Friendships require a certain amount of effort, loyalty and thoughtfulness....some friends require less than others... and some friends offer more grace than others.

I observe that everybody is feeling hurt by somebody else in the world periodically.
There are no people at all who sincerely are carefree and protected from pain.
And any sort of relationships is not a "garanteed result of put efforts" category, it's a "process in the real time frame - that is constantly changing by feelings and actions of participants and impacts of force-majour".

I feel for your distress and I percieve you speak of feeling betrayed.
I consider that can be temporal force-majour on their part but that sort of adressing may be percieved by them as 'blackmailing'.
That scares people away even further then direct approach and asking "Are you OK?"

Best wishes to you Larisa....I hope life is treating you well.

Not particularly.
I'm out of job quitting in desperation on the boss' growing demands and his outright demeaning me.
I wasn't the first, neither the last of people who fled.
I'm really horrified to start looking for another job

 

[Maelstrom]

I am really really sorry! about the job thing Larisa...I wish I was in a position to help you....maybe you could try Finland I hear they are looking for help?
I don't know if it would help but you could try using my name?
They may be aware they were on my short list?

My best wishes and sympathies to you. Maelstrom

 

[Larisa]

Maelstrom,
I appreciate your concern for my well-being, thank you
But, you see, my first job was 'given by the favour' - and I could not have stayed in this place more than 2 weeks. I just could not survive longer in these enviromental conditions and the attitude of these people.
It scratched me raw from inside - to just be present there.
I think I will have to trust to my sensors to observe the places and people who work in the companies placing job vacancies.
Nobody can forsee my tolerance level more than myself