• Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

Breaking down the "Misunderstandings"

This was a post I wrote a few years ago when I first came to the site, it's about things that I worked towards in the relationship, that helped someone understand.

https://www.aspiescentral.com/threads/negotiating-needs-between-as-nt-partners.11379/#post-227085

At the time, I was looking for help in my relationship as well. Didn't know I was autistic then. This was an answer to someone in difficulty in their own relationship. Don't know if its advice that helps, its a personal recounting.
 
Mia said:
This was a post I wrote a few years ago when I first came to the site, it's about things that I worked towards in the relationship, that helped someone understand.

Negotiating needs between AS/NT partners
https://www.aspiescentral.com/threads/negotiating-needs-between-as-nt-partners.11379/#post-227085
At the time, I was looking for help in my relationship as well. Didn't know I was autistic then. This was an answer to someone in difficulty in their own relationship. Don't know if its advice that helps, its a personal recounting.
Click to expand...
 
Mia, your words are inspiring, thank for writing them : "Filtered through movies and books and greeting cards and love songs andcommercials, my understanding of normal everyday behavior had been formed. It was in fact an unreal, manufactured world of superficiality that I was raised to believe was real and authentic, where it was actually the opposite". I can create my own version of normal, This is priceless.
 
So if you really want to get his attention, kneel next to him or sit on the floor next to him in a conversation.
 
I am new here and wasn't sure what to make of the thread. My husband and most of my partners have been (undiagnosed but fairly clearly) AS. I am not sure why I seem to attract AS men - maybe it's just that I'm accepting of difference and willing to try to work things through. In terms of my own issues, I'm pretty sure that I have ADHD.

I've been married for fourteen years now and knew things were different and often difficult but as we had really little children I didn't focus on it. Now that the kids are older and there is more time for interaction and opportunity to notice the things that aren't working I've been trying to figure out what's going on. I've been doing a lot of reading on and offline in service of that.

Something that has come up in the books I've read on relationships with Aspie men is that they have difficulty with being able to handle criticism. I will say I am not sure how much stock to put in sweeping statements like that as I understand that different people have different traits and of course personalities. I've also come across the notion that there are real differences between AS men and women as groups, which seems to be reiterated by the comments in this forum.

The books I have read all seem to counsel acceptance of the AS partner as that person's behavior is largely hard-wired, so I thought it interesting to see the discussion here centering around change.

I know that my husband is very much wedded to his routines and doesn't like change at all (whether that's a change in the furniture in our home or the thought of giving up a t-shirt he's had since high school). I've pretty much given up on most things with him as he seems determined to keep doing the same things the same way over and over again. The routines make me feel caged, but I think they make him feel safe. So, it was surprising to me to see the conversation here about expecting changes around things that I would have thought would be like moving mountains, if they can be moved at all.

There was an earlier post about abandoning helping one's husband or partner. I wondered though if one of the purposes of being partnered isn't to support the other person, especially in things that they find difficult to do. The books I have read about coping with AS pretty much talk about gathering support people and about finding a life partner being integral to living successfully with AS (because that person fills in the blanks or does interpreting).

That said there are certain things I have stopped doing or have stepped back from a bit. I used to totally maintain my husband's relationships with his parents and extended family. Now I've scheduled automated reminders that go to his e-mail about things like Father's Day and their birthdays so that I don't have to make those calls but I'm still being supportive.

I have not mastered the kinds of talk that Mia mentions. He tends to experience me (because of patterns in his parents' marriage where his mother dominates his father) as ordering him about when I am just asking for help. So, at this stage I try to keep our paths as separate as possible for most things (he's not much interested in my inner life and doesn't seem to notice my moods - which I understand to be AS traits) - coming together around the kids and "how was your day" and "did you see the news" type banter. I've given up on what I would consider deeper ways on connecting.
 
Hi elspeth , thanks for your feedback. I can relate to your experience.

I used to control his relationship with his family too (we've been together for 18 years, 15 married), reminding him to call his family every week or two. That brough a lot of problems in my relationship with him, and I didn't understand why.

But a few years ago, in the middle of another marital crisis, he started going to therapy and some unresolved issues from his childhood came up. The thing is, his family is very dysfunctional, and I didn't know the total extent of it.

He suffered a lot growing up in his family.One of his older brothers, 8 years older, used to hit him in a regular basis and none of his older brothers and sisters (older even than his brother) stopped him. Not even his dad, and worse of all, not even his mom, who usually was around the house and could hear him screaming, when his brother was beating him.

So, there was a lot more than just having AS. That was the real reason why, every time I would remind him of calling anyone in his family, he would get angry at me. It took me 16 years to learn the truth because he was too embarassed to say it. And then, it took me another year to realize that it was his right not to call them, if he didn't want to.

Anyway, right now, that's the least of my problems. I almost totally stopped asking him about his family (he would even get angry at me for asking "do you know something about your parents?").

What really troubles me is the "lack of emotional intimacy", as they say in one of the books that I'm reading (Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents; I have issues with my parents too).

Regarding the issue of stopping to help him, well, it's been difficult for me to change my habits, but apparently it works. I think he looks happier and he's volunteering to do stuff around the house a lot.

The most difficult part for me is when I have to bite my tongue because I should not praise him or encourage him (according to the book Women who love too much). But really, what I can see in this couple of weeks that I stopped doing that, is that is difficult for me, not for him. He really looks happier these days.

So we are both changing, but most important of all, I am changing (by stopping to help him, and helping myself instead).

In my opinion, a person with AS is like a person with half a leg. Do not expect him to grow the part of the leg that's missing. But I think that it is possible to change to better adapt to reality; buy a pair of crutches, get a wheelchair, and be kinder to the person that helps you. But, the wife has to stop pretending that he has a leg. It's ok if he moves awkward, or slowly.

Who knows, maybe that's what I have to do. Stop pretending we're going to be "perfectly" intimate at an emotional level (he can't grow that missing part of his leg). Maybe just a little bit of emotional intimacy is good enough .
Well, and being able to share my experience here is great too.
 
And I still remind him of the birthdays of the people in his family that he actually cares about ;). Nothing's perfect, not even me :D.
 
By the way, a lot of adult people with AS where bullied at school, and in the case of men (mostly) the bullying was not only words , but real beatings. That was the case of my husband. He told me that he didn't like going to recess for that reason, and the he would usually stay in the classroom to avoid it.

What I want to say is that my husband's past might not be so unique, maybe there's a lot more that aspies husbands carry as an emotional bagagge grom the past the we might not know, but that influences their behavior. Maybe it would be a good a idea to ask, "Hey, just wondering where you bullied at school?" I did that after going to an Asperger's talk at my kids' school, and I discovered a whole new world.
 
Sabrina said:
By the way, a lot of adult people with AS where bullied at school, and in the case of men (mostly) the bullying was not only words , but real beatings. That was the case of my husband. He told me that he didn't like going to recess for that reason, and the he would usually stay in the classroom to avoid it.

What I want to say is that my husband's past might not be so unique, maybe there's a lot more that aspies husbands carry as an emotional bagagge grom the past the we might not know, but that influences their behavior. Maybe it would be a good a idea to ask, "Hey, just wondering where you bullied at school?" I did that after going to an Asperger's talk at my kids' school, and I discovered a whole new world.
Click to expand...

I don't think that my husband identifies as AS yet - though I would hope that he notices that I have been reading about it a lot. I think one of the issues with him is that he's avoidant in relationships because of his parents' relationship. It sounds as if your husband may also be avoidant in terms of attachment. Apparently in those cases leaving them alone does work best.

Regarding emotional intimacy, for me there is none. But from reading my understanding is that for people with AS that can be expressed and felt differently. In other words, maybe my husband does think our relationship is emotionally intimate, as I am the one he tells about the things that are important to him and because I am here living with him -- whereas for me, how I register that is different. I need some interest in what I'm thinking and in my interests, kind words, making obvious that he is thinking about me (someone else posted about how she is AS and her husband is as well but that she considers both of them while he just always considers himself), and physical affection. But like I've said, I have had to embrace the idea that I cannot get those things.

I do like what you said about missing a leg and the leg never growing back but finding other ways to compensate. That helped in terms of putting a context to what people had posted here.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

New Threads

Top Bottom