Brilliant ASD teenager and school

[The Lorax]

My son has mild ASD, anxiety, depression, and is 2 years ahead now doesn't want to go to school. He is in 10th grade.

We are spending a fortune on group therapy, personal therapy, and a private school that has 4-8 kids per class. None of it is covered by insurance.
He is on the right meds and he has real friends. He eats well. He occasionally exercises. He likes doing things outside on the weekend.

I suspect there are classes he doesn't like and doesn't want to do the work like history.
The classes he excels in he complains there is too much work like math. He asked for a 1 on 1 teacher so we spent the extra money. But now doesn't want to do much of the work.
On top of it he is feeling stupid for the 2 statements above.
I offered to help him with school he refused.

If he gets his GED now it will be an emotional disaster down the line as he will not socialize with anyone. He has to stay in school just for the social aspect.

I think at some point he will just accept the consequences and give up. Currently if he doesn't go he gets no internet. I try to make the home as boring as possible.

I don't know what else to do to encourage him to stay. Suggestions?

 

[Matthias]

Most parents I know wouldn't give their children a choice.

You're going to have to sit down and talk to your son to figure out why he doesn't want to go to school. The reason is mostly likely emotional. It's likely your son doesn't understand his emotions and is unable or unwilling to explain how he feels or why he doesn't want to go to school. Reading a book about emotional intelligence will make it easier to understand how he is feeling, why he feels the way he does, and how best to address his emotions and convince him to go to school.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Us Aspies can be stubborn when it comes to education, I did not take French in high school it was compulsory. same with English grade 10 only but then I was a voracious reader. They made exceptions for me got a honour not honour's graduation diploma mainly math and science 5 year program. Took English in college got A's more practical.

We have a tendency to want to do it our way , my brothers also Aspies did similar things, we are not like everybody else you will see the same tendencies in well known Aspies like Einstein skipped lots of classes in university. that is just our way like to make our own path.

 

[Crossbreed]

Our high school gave my 2e* son a "504" plan where he only had to do every other math homework problem and he got extra time for timed tests.

*ASD1 + gifted.

 

[Hypnalis]

So your son is a 13-15 year old Aspie (a group where certain social deficits are to be expected) who's at school with people two years older?

What are you expecting in terms of the "social aspect"?

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

Fifteen year olds are little snark monsters. Gotta love 'em, but it's the peak of puberty hormones for most kids. It's like another round of the terrible twos.

Be patient, your sweet, happy son will be back soon. He's just got raging hormones right now.

In the meantime, what about online school, charter school, or homeschooling? There's also Job Corps, Youth Conservation Corps, or GED and early college.

For the social aspect, if he did some kind of home education, there's sports, clubs, library activities, etc that he could be involved in. He could even get a part time job at the mall.

 

[Shevek]

I left school at 17, after failing gr 12, with a general knowledge level over college grad averages. I'd quit trying in Gr. 9, when getting the right answer to a mal-formed question got me zero. None of my teachers had been smart enough to ask math questions that pertained to my interests. Probably the biggest problem was that I considered my courses pointless and obsolete, and that fresh thinking would be needed to navigate the future.
After some life experience, mostly a self-imposed and ineffective attempt to learn to socialize, I went to the library for the information I needed, and the next time I went to a class, I was lecturing to graduating engineers. If you want to speed up the process, you might ask who your son's heroes are, and be open to him having no faith in the future you expect.

 

[The Lorax]

Thanks guys. This is very encouraging that regardless things will be ok.

To answer the above.... he is 2 years ahead in education. He is with kids his own age.
Scored top 1% PSAT. IQ of 141. It shows too with his questions and analysis.

I can't let him quit. The social aspect is way too important.

Home schooling? No way. My wife is what he is except she has 2 masters, finished high school, etc.
My mother is 86 and needs a lot of help.

I am taking care of 3 disabled people and trying to run a small business just to pay for this school.
He is also so ahead I can't possible teach him.

My plate is so full I barely have time for myself. I can't go out without a leash in case something goes wrong. Like yesterday my day was done. I could finally get to work. Nope mother fell and broke her hip. 90m drive to her town, call 911, get her to the hospital, talk to docs..... sigh.

So you all know I am an NT. I suspect I had ADD when I was young because I barely graduated high school despite being so intelligent. Also an only child that creates issues socially as you don't get the social skills development of having siblings. I also lived in a condo... not many kids.

So I have a huge awareness of people. My ASD wife and son vastly increased that knowledge. Took me years to understand my son. But he is 15, loves doing things with me, and talks to me about things. So I guess I am doing alright.

But the above really helps. His ASD is the least of his disabilities. Anxiety and depression are the worst.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

You have your hands full, having raised two boys one with a learning disability teenage years are hard real obstacle course. my greatest achievement in life was getting my youngest son through high school and college without one misstep, weird he was gifted and intellectually disabled concurrently it took puberty to set every thing where nature intended. I managed the maze. he is now a an electro-mechanical technologist engaged to a women with a PHD in education. I could see the path in my minds eye, I just asked my son the follow my instruction without question and I would get him through college. or he would spend the rest of his life working at what at the time was called a mac-job. he was scared followed my direction to the letter and is now on his path to a very good life. Th e only help the school gave him was put him in a wood working course. Now during job interviews he brags about the type of school he attended as he has a track record. takes videos of former jobs lands every job he applies to. his confidence is though the roof now. The most interesting part is his fiancee teaches gifted and rich kids at a private school.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Interesting fact my son went to the same high school, that Russel Peters, the comic went too. Shows how good their screening system is. Second fact Peters got a honorary degree from the same college my son graduated from and during his acceptance speech stated students like him do not graduate from schools like this. I when I saw this I was really compelled to send him a note to correct him.

 

[Richelle-H]

In my school years, up through my high-school graduation, my mother and I would dance around the fact that school bored me and I would require faking an illness to stay at home for a day or two in order to recharge.. She knew that I was not ill, most of the time, but also knew that I was different. Growing up when I did, there were no support systems in place (would have been more for my mother's benefit than my own). I never struggled, always got above average grades, and it was not until my early 40s before anyone suggested that I might have Asperger's.

I mostly kept to myself and wound up not connecting on any normal social level until my 30s. I did not crave connections and I managed quite well in pursuit of a career that did not bore me (I had a low threshold in that regard and it may have caused a few problems along the way but I was somewhat oblivious to anyone else's emotional state other than my own. I always followed my instincts. One learns to keep one's mouth shut to avoid confrontations.)

My mother did force me into social situations. even though I was not keen on a great many of them, but it most likely broadened my horizons beyond what I might have achieved on my own. I still have a bit of social avoidance, but as I have matured, my childhood symptomology has receded to the point that I no longer find the need to mask (which I did a lot in my early years, doing so unconsciously, presenting to different groups with selected parts of my personality).

Perhaps I would not be the person I am today if I had been diagnosed way back then and sent for therapy (something I have always found less helpful than most when I have sought some validation). We all must find our own paths despite the best intentions of others and I hope you and your boy take that journey together and reach a place of comfort and mutual enlightenment.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I only person thar recognized that I and my family were different was the school head guidance counsellor he called me out of class one day close to his retirement and let me know my family was the brightest he had ever seen in his career, for year advocated for us told me the rules for what courses to take did not apply as we were brighter then any teacher in the school my older brother was failing grade 13 so he told me to attend the graduation ceremony in a few weeks, which is thought was weird. at the ceremony my brother won the award for best math student and best physics student. many parents were upset. He got accepted into the university of Waterloo Engineering with a letter from this same guidance counsellor. refused to write his final paper for co-op semester. Even one of his professor's recognized him as a genius He told me he did not go to university to get a piece of paper but rather an education, when he lost his job years latter due to mental health issues a professor convinced him the paper was not for him but so other's would know he knows what he knows as they are a accredited institution. he graduated 15 years after leaving university wrote the final paper. his last work term was doing some project on satellites for one of his professors. he also spent a work term doing top secret work for the Canadian navy. not the your typical work terms his fellow students got.

The same counsellor wrote a letter for me and got me accepted into the same university, I went to college instead. long story some family dynamics involved, competition with younger brother and in security on my part factored in the decision, the one brother who is not an Aspie and Mensa member. Long story.

Bottom line us Aspies are different do not think like NT's. your son should land on his feet. They do not settle down until 26 years old great fun until then,

 

[The Lorax]

You have your hands full, having raised two boys one with a learning disability teenage years are hard real obstacle course. my greatest achievement in life was getting my youngest son through high school and college without one misstep, weird he was gifted and intellectually disabled concurrently it took puberty to set every thing where nature intended. I managed the maze. he is now a an electro-mechanical technologist engaged to a women with a PHD in education. I could see the path in my minds eye, I just asked my son the follow my instruction without question and I would get him through college. or he would spend the rest of his life working at what at the time was called a mac-job. he was scared followed my direction to the letter and is now on his path to a very good life. Th e only help the school gave him was put him in a wood working course. Now during job interviews he brags about the type of school he attended as he has a track record. takes videos of former jobs lands every job he applies to. his confidence is though the roof now. The most interesting part is his fiancee teaches gifted and rich kids at a private school.

WOW

 

[The Lorax]

Your two stories are so interesting.

My wife didn't know till she was 48. She is 55 and her mental stability is declining. This naturally happens with age. The stress of our son is also a burden on her mentally. He isn't a 6 year old kid we can easily handle. He is 6'1" and 195 lbs.

I gotta keep the family together until he graduates. We are paying a lot for therapy and private school for him. After that if she breaks down we can get both of them on SSDI after 1 year, and Medicare after 2.

I got everything planned out in case the worst happens. We even have $750k life insurance on each other.

But he should be ok. The meds are another issue. Without them we can't live with him and would have to send him away. He has an angry screaming destructive streak that we simply can't mentally deal with. The Respirodone keeps him sane.

I've read a lot of stories from successful ASD. Then others that weren't. I read about two French ASDs that got married. One has a PhD in mathematics but can't work.

As brilliant as my wife is she botched up this jury summons and I have to fix it. I can't tell her how bad she botches it because it will give her anxiety. I just have to fix it.
What I learned from both of them studying the neurology of autism is that we are all programmed. Therapy and medication can adjust that but we can't change who we are. Most NTs, especially over achievers, do not understand why people simply can't just get off their asses and do it.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

My son, I got on extra help through rote learning to start Kumon, Japanese, designed for young kids him being around 14 siting with 7, 8 year old's he stuck it out , after a few years we forced his high school to get him tested for math and English, he got over 90% on both within a matter of hours he was enrolled into a academic high school. I got him to repeat a year to play catch up as his original high school would not lead to college. As Russell Peters said. I agree with you it can get expensive, but you do what you need to do when it's your kid. fortunately I was bright enough to know how the system works here and was able to navigate it. every thing I asked my son to do he did, it worked like a charm. my son is a NT I'm the Aspie. My older brother was on the spectrum brilliant had mental health issues could not get a job after he lost the job he held for years, I also have another brother and sister both on the spectrum all of us have been very successful, and married the one brother is a multi millionaire, stock market as his latest special interest is investing.
MY brothers son just retired NT, engineer late 20's hired by owner of mine he worked at who then gave him a new position as investor trader, now he just retired freedom 30, wants to back to school get masters thinks his dad's investment strategy was Mickey Mouse.

 

[Crossbreed]

Our high school gave my 2e* son a "504" plan where he only had to do every other math homework problem and he got extra time for timed tests.

*ASD1 + gifted.

And math was his strong suit. (I believe that he was one or two years ahead in that subject.)

He has a Bachelor's in engineering, now, and is planning to get married this year.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Your son will grow out of this, we tend to take unorthodox routes to get a result even quitting school my older brother did not car about the piece of paper called a degree. only a few get to be called genius. the rest of us are just bright. if you son is brilliant enough to qualify as genius he has to grow up and find his own way, you would not believe the stories I have read over the years young woman quits school joins punk rock band gets bored decides to go back to school gets phd in physics now is world renowned for doing work on Monster moonshine.
reading her biography I could tell she is one of us, Lots of examples of this path.

 

[Hypnalis]

... 3 disabled people ...

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

... 3 disabled people ...

you cannot speed up how fast kids grow up pain in the ass until they get into their twenty's, you are along for the ride all you can do is hang on. Get as much support as you can from family and friends ride it out. Schools government are not going to be much help.

 

[Shevek]

Every time I think about this thread, I remember that the reason I left home and didn't look back was because there was no point in trying to discuss certain things there. Any logical argument, however well supported, just shattered against a wall of authority.