Broaching relationship issues with ASD boyfriend

[suzeo]

So I tried to broach the subject tonight and I feel like we are at an impasse. I really feel like this is more than just issues related to communication between a person on the spectrum and an NT. It’s like he has issues beyond that. It’s like his thinking is so rigid he cannot see beyond his own believe that I’m criticizing him.

I tried to start the conversation with the fact that it seems like he feels like I’m always blaming him for my relationship concerns. Was that the wrong approach? I thought that would help keep his defenses down because I’m showing that I believe I understand where his defenses are coming from and acknowledging them from the outset.

But I find that people on this forum seem to have a lot more self awareness and insight about their own struggles and differences between ASD and NTs. I mean everybody on here gives really good advice and seems to understand the differences between people on the spectrum and NTs.

Basically, he ultimately put me in a situation where there is no out. Even though I tried to explain it as a relationship issue that has to be worked on, that it’s normal, that ALL relationships have to be worked on- all he heard is that he is the problem. No matter how I tried to explain it.

I am an empathetic person who can at least imagine myself in his position, and I really tried to explain it every way that I could but he was fixated on the fact that he’s the problem.

So I said, “Rich, I need you to tell me how I’m supposed to talk to you about relationship concerns that will not make you feel like I’m saying you were the problem.” I tried to point out how illogical it is that we cannot talk about relationship problems without him interpreting that I’m saying he is the problem. His response was “I think you’re never going to be happy”.

So basically, the conversation was cut short and I have no options or no way I can approach him because his go-to is that I’m never going to be happy and that he is the problem.

I’m at a total loss and I don’t think there’s a way out.

Hi Sisselcakes
I posted about how I think my recent ex may have Aspergers. He is undiagnosed but thinks he may be on the spectrum (although now he has blocked me after I sent him a text about a website he could look at re: Aspergers). Having read your posts its a lot like looking at my own relationship with my ex. Especially your quote 'I think you're never going to be happy' (from your bf)
I too have come to the conclusion that if my ex has Aspergers then I think there are also other issues with him that are more to do with his personality. He always said he just wanted to make me happy but then ignored me most of the time and got on with his own plans.

I wanted a really happy long life with my ex and always tried my best to communicate (probably failed miserably most of the time) I still love him and he says he loves and misses me but he can't give me what I want. (even though he hasn't ever asked what I want??!) I'm as confused as anyone. I'm coming to the conclusion that I must move on for my own sanity. I wished that i could provide some insight for you. Talking on here has really helped so I would keep doing that and hopefully you can find a way to communicate and stay together : )

 

[sisselcakes]

So I tried to broach the subject tonight and I feel like we are at an impasse. I really feel like this is more than just issues related to communication between a person on the spectrum and an NT. It’s like he has issues beyond that. It’s like his thinking is so rigid he cannot see beyond his own believe that I’m criticizing him.

I tried to start the conversation with the fact that it seems like he feels like I’m always blaming him for my relationship concerns. Was that the wrong approach? I thought that would help keep his defenses down because I’m showing that I believe I understand where his defenses are coming from and acknowledging them from the outset.

But I find that people on this forum seem to have a lot more self awareness and insight about their own struggles and differences between ASD and NTs. I mean everybody on here gives really good advice and seems to understand the differences between people on the spectrum and NTs.

Basically, he ultimately put me in a situation where there is no out. Even though I tried to explain it as a relationship issue that has to be worked on, that it’s normal, that ALL relationships have to be worked on- all he heard is that he is the problem. No matter how I tried to explain it.

I am an empathetic person who can at least imagine myself in his position, and I really tried to explain it every way that I could but he was fixated on the fact that he’s the problem.

So I said, “Rich, I need you to tell me how I’m supposed to talk to you about relationship concerns that will not make you feel like I’m saying you were the problem.” I tried to point out how illogical it is that we cannot talk about relationship problems without him interpreting that I’m saying he is the problem. His response was “I think you’re never going to be happy”.

So basically, the conversation was cut short and I have no options or no way I can approach him because his go-to is that I’m never going to be happy and that he is the problem.

I’m at a total loss and I don’t think there’s a way out.

OK, so I basically told him that we could either talk about this now or this is going to come up and every subsequent relationship he has and he was able to talk to me

And some interesting things came out. The reason he believes that I’m saying he’s at fault is because if I was happy two months before, and if nothing has changed, it actually IS that i’m saying he’s done something wrong. And he claims that it’s my perception that’s changed.

So I had to think on that a little bit and admit that I had gone through a depressive episode about a month ago that was pretty bad. Because of the depression, I wasn’t able to be lighthearted and dismiss some of the usual misunderstandings that happen between us. Normally I have a higher tolerance for those and I’m able to cope by intellectually understanding where we are having communication difficulties. So my resentment over these things have built over about two months and I just became so frustrated that I thought things needed to be worked on..

It’s very hard when you speak different languages to really understand what is something that somebody is able to alter in their behavior versus what just IS and always will be.

Anyway, my mind is sort of going 100 miles a minute right now and I’m processing all of this.

Thank you to everybody who has given support and good observations. I truly would not be where I am right now, having stuck this out, without everyone’s help It always helps me immensely to come on here and reach out or read other posts. Peace.

 

[sisselcakes]

Hi Sisselcakes
I posted about how I think my recent ex may have Aspergers. He is undiagnosed but thinks he may be on the spectrum (although now he has blocked me after I sent him a text about a website he could look at re: Aspergers). Having read your posts its a lot like looking at my own relationship with my ex. Especially your quote 'I think you're never going to be happy' (from your bf)
I too have come to the conclusion that if my ex has Aspergers then I think there are also other issues with him that are more to do with his personality. He always said he just wanted to make me happy but then ignored me most of the time and got on with his own plans.

I wanted a really happy long life with my ex and always tried my best to communicate (probably failed miserably most of the time) I still love him and he says he loves and misses me but he can't give me what I want. (even though he hasn't ever asked what I want??!) I'm as confused as anyone. I'm coming to the conclusion that I must move on for my own sanity. I wished that i could provide some insight for you. Talking on here has really helped so I would keep doing that and hopefully you can find a way to communicate and stay together : )

That’s when it gets hard- when you fall in love!

It must be so hard for our guys to really want to make us happy, but their is such a nebulous and very real gap in communication that we aren’t able to explain it in a way that they understand. Whenever I cry, it’s more out of frustration than sadness. I just feel like I’ve been put in solitary confinement or something when my point “falls on deaf ears”. And I imagine it’s just frustrating to be on the receiving end.

The people on this forum have really helped me to understand how to better communicate my point of view by trying to be less ambiguous, yet I fail again and again.

We talked last night and I gained some new insights and have some things I plan to follow up on any further discussion. I’ve not gotten to your place yet, but I’ve been on the cusp more than a handful of times.

Thank you for your kind words. I wish you the best in your new chapter.

 

[sisselcakes]

It's not actually my business if you want to do it. IMEO this is bad relationship hygiene. It's better to keep business and romantic interests separate. Less arguments can potentially arise that way. You're all in each other's business. You need to not be.

As for the rest - you know what I'm getting at. Usual address, etc.

I’m reconsidering what you’ve written about mixing business with pleasure. You may have a point.

 

[AO1501]

I’m reconsidering what you’ve written about mixing business with pleasure. You may have a point.

No, I don't think that's a valid point at all. There is no indication from what you've written here that there is a problem mixing business and pleasure, and in fact doing so may well provide you with a common interest to share in and invest yourselves in together. That could be a pivotal advantage, rather than 'bad relationship hygiene', which I personally think is stupid nonsense in a context of this kind.

Where mixing work and pleasure can sometimes be a problem is if a couple end up spending all their time together, where the boundary between work and home, and the separate roles pertaining to it can get blurred and confused.

 

[SimplyWandering]

No, I don't think that's a valid point at all. There is no indication from what you've written here that there is a problem mixing business and pleasure, and in fact doing so may well provide you with a common interest to share in and invest yourselves in together. That could be a pivotal advantage, rather than 'bad relationship hygiene', which I personally think is stupid nonsense in a context of this kind.

Where mixing work and pleasure can sometimes be a problem is if a couple end up spending all their time together, where the boundary between work and home, and the separate roles pertaining to it can get blurred and confused.

♤ This.

NOT going to mince words, but some of Quart's posts are rather offensive, especially in cases of love. You can have both, your boyfriend has to understand there has to be time made for both of you together and there is no reason why you shouldn't be able to work together.

 

[mariannle]

I've had similar problems with my boyfriend, only I'm the autistic and he's the NT.

Maybe start by validating him and putting some on the blame on you (even if you don't think you have done something wrong, this tactic helps a lot to break through complicated people's walls). Maybe say something among the lines of: "I love you, I don't want you to change who you are, but I think we both could be happier with the relationship, I could feel more cared about and you could feel more valued, and in order for that to happen we need to talk. Precisely because I believe we can be happy, and that I can be happy with you, is why we need to adress this."

I think it would help if you explain it to him that you both have needs, which are different and both are valid, but are a little opossing at times, and that you would like you both to negotiate and find a middle grownd so you both can be happy with the relationship. Tell him you understand that he needs his own time and space, and that you think that's ok, but the fact that you understand him doesn't make you stop needing time spent together and attention from him. Basically establish that you're different from each other, that you don't think there's anything wrong with that and that you love him for what he is, but at the same time those differences can make you both feel bad if you both ignore them.

I can't know for sure what he's feeling and thinking, but he's probably confused. Often times when my boyfriend tells me I've been distant or rude, I have no clue what he means, and it's usually very stressful for me to go through my memories trying to figure out what I did wrong. So, it's not his fault or mine, but it can be very hard for both of us when this happens. What tends to solve things is when he makes an effort to explain exactly what made him feel bad, and describes to detail how it made him feel bad aswell (sad, angry, abandoned, neglected, etc.). That helps me a lot to understand what happened, how can I act differently in the future, or to propose alternative solutions that he may not have thought about. I also I usually explain to him that it wasn't my intenttion at all, and although he usually knows that, I think it's comforting for him to hear that from me. It's nice to be remided that your partner cares.

It's understandable we seem way more empathetic than your boyfriend because we're all seeing this from an outside perspective, it's always easier to analize things when they don't affect us directly. I would also suggest you to reflect on why you're with him, what is it about him that makes you want to be in that relationship, and if things keep on like this, ask yourself if it's worth it. It's not wrong to be incompatible with someone, but I also wish this can be overcomed with communication. I hope this helped and please let us know how things are evolving, if you feel like it.

 

[Bella Pines]

3 years? You are on the fast track then, it took me 20

Have you ever seen the film called "the incredibles"? There's a few great scenes where elastagirl yells at Mr Incredible and shouts "THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU".

I think there's a blurry line between aspie issues and man issues. Even my husband has the him problem. If the kids fail at school he focuses on his problem with it and I have to keep reminding him that "THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU!". I have yet to find a solution for this so let me know if you come across one!

The special interests however, and inability to understand your needs is most definitely in the aspie camp and not the man camp.

I just feel like he doesn't care in general. Essentially, I feel neglected.

Wooah, needy alert

How do people prefer to be approached about these things? Should I avoid the words "feelings" and "needs", etc? Should I go in with a proposed solution? Should I try to break this down as a cause and effect?

You already know the answer. Yes of course avoid needs and feelings, these are in-quantifiable and don't make much sense. We are solution driven, and if there is no clear solution then we end up confused and angry.

However.

Logically, if I give my husband the attention he craves, then he doesn't have emotional conversations with me. Win win. This is how you need to pitch it.

One thing that worked for us, might not work for you, but we did this;

He felt unappreciated and ignored. I am starting various small businesses to escape office work and I go through the night working on these. So he said to me that he needs me to say "I appreciate you because..." every day. EVERY DAY? I exclaimed. Every day he responded. FOR HOW LONG? I replied. We agreed for a week.

So I would say (once he reminded me), "I appreciate... how you pair your socks". Or "I appreciate... your risotto, it's very tasty". I lasted about 9 days before I ran out of puff but it seemed to work.

I did it, mainly to get him off my back, so win win

 

[sisselcakes]

I'm happy to say, that with all the wonderful people's help on here, crisis has been resolved. My bf gave me some good insight I hadn't considered, and I think I have a way going forward to work on realistic expectations and how to approach him about things in a different way. Having said that, I'm sure I'll be back on here begging for help within the next 6 months. Ha!

 

[sisselcakes]

No, I don't think that's a valid point at all. There is no indication from what you've written here that there is a problem mixing business and pleasure, and in fact doing so may well provide you with a common interest to share in and invest yourselves in together. That could be a pivotal advantage, rather than 'bad relationship hygiene', which I personally think is stupid nonsense in a context of this kind.

Where mixing work and pleasure can sometimes be a problem is if a couple end up spending all their time together, where the boundary between work and home, and the separate roles pertaining to it can get blurred and confused.

Well, there are pros and cons to it. I like to write and I need the money, but it does annoy me when, of the few things he says to me, what comes out of his mouth is "How's that article coming along?" because I feel pressured. On the flip side, it's also something of a similar interest we share.

Thanks for your perspective. I actually think his feelings would be hurt if I stopped. He would feel unsupported and it's not like I'm miserable doing it.

 

[sisselcakes]

♤ This.

NOT going to mince words, but some of Quart's posts are rather offensive, especially in cases of love. You can have both, your boyfriend has to understand there has to be time made for both of you together and there is no reason why you shouldn't be able to work together.

Thanks for your kind words.

 

[sisselcakes]

I've had similar problems with my boyfriend, only I'm the autistic and he's the NT.

Maybe start by validating him and putting some on the blame on you (even if you don't think you have done something wrong, this tactic helps a lot to break through complicated people's walls). Maybe say something among the lines of: "I love you, I don't want you to change who you are, but I think we both could be happier with the relationship, I could feel more cared about and you could feel more valued, and in order for that to happen we need to talk. Precisely because I believe we can be happy, and that I can be happy with you, is why we need to adress this."

I think it would help if you explain it to him that you both have needs, which are different and both are valid, but are a little opossing at times, and that you would like you both to negotiate and find a middle grownd so you both can be happy with the relationship. Tell him you understand that he needs his own time and space, and that you think that's ok, but the fact that you understand him doesn't make you stop needing time spent together and attention from him. Basically establish that you're different from each other, that you don't think there's anything wrong with that and that you love him for what he is, but at the same time those differences can make you both feel bad if you both ignore them.

I can't know for sure what he's feeling and thinking, but he's probably confused. Often times when my boyfriend tells me I've been distant or rude, I have no clue what he means, and it's usually very stressful for me to go through my memories trying to figure out what I did wrong. So, it's not his fault or mine, but it can be very hard for both of us when this happens. What tends to solve things is when he makes an effort to explain exactly what made him feel bad, and describes to detail how it made him feel bad aswell (sad, angry, abandoned, neglected, etc.). That helps me a lot to understand what happened, how can I act differently in the future, or to propose alternative solutions that he may not have thought about. I also I usually explain to him that it wasn't my intenttion at all, and although he usually knows that, I think it's comforting for him to hear that from me. It's nice to be remided that your partner cares.

It's understandable we seem way more empathetic than your boyfriend because we're all seeing this from an outside perspective, it's always easier to analize things when they don't affect us directly. I would also suggest you to reflect on why you're with him, what is it about him that makes you want to be in that relationship, and if things keep on like this, ask yourself if it's worth it. It's not wrong to be incompatible with someone, but I also wish this can be overcomed with communication. I hope this helped and please let us know how things are evolving, if you feel like it.

Thank you for your feedback and thoughtful insight. I love to hear from people in "mixed" couples.

I tried your recommendation of pointing out my role. I didn't think he was going to even engage with me, but once I said he will have these issues in any relationship with an NT, he was more open to talk. He was able to verbalize some things that made me see things from a different perspective and he was right! I had a severe depressive episode 2 months ago and that really colored my view of things. I started to feel neglected, when really, he hadn't changed.

Then I realized that most of the time, he's pretty even keel. I mean, he's had his moments of anxiety (when he irrationally thought he had Lyme's disease, which incidentally, did affect my mood a lot); but in general, he is always pretty much the same.

So, I admitted to him that his observations were right and pointed out that doesn't mean we don't have ongoing CORE issues that have been present from the beginning of our relationship.

In the past he has said things I've taken as criticism (e.g., my hair doesn't look good pulled up or commented on what a messy cook I am or that I could work to get a flatter stomach- that one didn't go over well! LOL). Because I've gotten on his case for saying these things, he's kind of clammed up, not saying ANYTHING that bothers him, even legitimate things like "hey, could you remember to close that door. I bump my elbow on it every day."

So we decided to talk once a week about the status of things in the house, our relationship, etc. Hopefully we will stick to it.

 

[sisselcakes]

3 years? You are on the fast track then, it took me 20

Have you ever seen the film called "the incredibles"? There's a few great scenes where elastagirl yells at Mr Incredible and shouts "THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU".

I think there's a blurry line between aspie issues and man issues. Even my husband has the him problem. If the kids fail at school he focuses on his problem with it and I have to keep reminding him that "THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU!". I have yet to find a solution for this so let me know if you come across one!

The special interests however, and inability to understand your needs is most definitely in the aspie camp and not the man camp.



Wooah, needy alert



You already know the answer. Yes of course avoid needs and feelings, these are in-quantifiable and don't make much sense. We are solution driven, and if there is no clear solution then we end up confused and angry.

However.

Logically, if I give my husband the attention he craves, then he doesn't have emotional conversations with me. Win win. This is how you need to pitch it.

One thing that worked for us, might not work for you, but we did this;

He felt unappreciated and ignored. I am starting various small businesses to escape office work and I go through the night working on these. So he said to me that he needs me to say "I appreciate you because..." every day. EVERY DAY? I exclaimed. Every day he responded. FOR HOW LONG? I replied. We agreed for a week.

So I would say (once he reminded me), "I appreciate... how you pair your socks". Or "I appreciate... your risotto, it's very tasty". I lasted about 9 days before I ran out of puff but it seemed to work.

I did it, mainly to get him off my back, so win win

I should write that on my bathroom mirror... THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU! I have an exercise I learned in a mood book (I struggle with depression) where you write down a thought and then logically examine it to see if your interpretation is rational. Of course, that's not my usual way of thinking, so I'm going to start keeping a journal of sorts. I think this will help. Also, to see those thoughts written down- I'll be able to realize there could be multiple explanations for why I think he's acting this way or that, and then I can just flat out ask!

I think it's cute that you all have the opposite dynamic- that your husband is the "needy" one. Your idea about "I appreciate you for..' made me remember what I used to do. I would flat out ask my bf what he liked about me. (That's kind of a risky thing for us NT's to do because we are putting ourselves out there. You know how we get our feelings hurt so easily.) He'd get this adorable smile and have to think a minute and usually would come up with a really heartfelt and complimentary thing.

I appreciate you taking time out to share your experiences. It helps.

 

[MrSpock]

I tried to start the conversation with the fact that it seems like he feels like I’m always blaming him for my relationship concerns. Was that the wrong approach? I thought that would help keep his defenses down because I’m showing that I believe I understand where his defenses are coming from and acknowledging them from the outset.

I can't claim to understand him well, but I know how I would take this if I were in his shoes, I only offer food for thought, not advice or any product of my mind-reading ability (that will cost you extra!).

If I haven't actually told you that I feel like I'm always blaming you for your relationship concerns, it would bother me that (yet again?) you're trying to read my non-verbal signals and 'interpreting' what I say. I will say what I mean and mean what I say, I value clear communication. When somebody 'interprets' everything that takes away my ability to express myself, since when I say what I mean you don't hear what I mean, you hear some interpretation of it which I cannot anticipate and correct for.

Having said all that, it's waaaay better for you to air your misconceptions about what I'm thinking and feeling rather than continue to 'interpret' everything according to what you have guessed about what is going on inside me. I would hope that I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that you're 'interpreting' everything right away, and that by now I'm wise enough to not hold that against you too harshly even if you are. If you wanted to make sure that I don't do that you might have said "I have relationship concerns which I'd like to resolve. They're about communication, so by definition they're problems that don't belong to either one of us alone, they're problems that we share, that stand between us. I want your help to get rid of them, I don't want things to stand between us."

I'm not sure why you think (or thought, I realize this was posted days ago) that this is part of his 'defenses', and he may not see it that way. Unnecessary characterisation of things is distressing to me, I might feel it necessary to clarify that there are no 'defenses' before giving you the opportunity to address whatever it is you think you were talking about. So far as I am concerned, you're trying to talk about something that you've imagined. (Maybe you're not, am obviously guessing at a lot here.) Attempting to justify things in terms of his feelings could only possibly not make things worse if you're accurate about how he feels, and you shouldn't assume that unless he's specifically told you (again, this is how I might feel), you might try to approach problems without attempting to assign feelings where possible. IMHO "problems that stand between us" would not require further justification to warrant action.

 

[MrSpock]

(That's kind of a risky thing for us NT's to do because we are putting ourselves out there. You know how we get our feelings hurt so easily.)

Oh, oh! Is that what 'putting yourself out there' means? It's a phrase others have used so often when giving me 'advice', exclusively women I think. They've never been able to tell me what it meant, the most common response when I ask what 'putting yourself out there' means is 'well, putting yourself out there'. Not so very useful. Does it mean putting yourself in a situation in which you are likely to get your feelings hurt? And if so, in what particular way, if any, does that phrase indicate the feelings are likely to be hurt? I think that they were trying to tell me something important and for my own good, but lacked the linguistic ability. Possibly there was a complete answer using non-verbal stuff that I'm incapable of reading.

Any information (beyond repeating what I ask, obviously) regarding the phrase 'putting yourself out there' would be appreciated. I've tried researching this fruitlessly, this use of it and the context may be the best lead I've had.

 

[AO1501]

...but it does annoy me when, of the few things he says to me, what comes out of his mouth is "How's that article coming along?" because I feel pressured....

I can understand how you might interpret what he says as pressure, but it doesn't seem likely that he means it that way. If I were seeking a progress report, I would want to phrase it in a way that clearly defined when I needed the product, or at the very least in the form of 'is it nearly finished'.

To me, that question is more likely offered in a supportive way, in the same way that I might ask my wife how her latest work was coming along, because I'm interested in how she's doing - and reading what she writes.

 

[Jane Smith]

I'm happy to say, that with all the wonderful people's help on here, crisis has been resolved. My bf gave me some good insight I hadn't considered, and I think I have a way going forward to work on realistic expectations and how to approach him about things in a different way. Having said that, I'm sure I'll be back on here begging for help within the next 6 months. Ha!

YAY!

My Aspie and I have been going through a lot of fights lately. Every single time I tried to approach the situation it seemed to get worse and worse and worse and worse. At one point I thought we were going to break things off.

The one thing that seemed to help was space. We stepped away from the conversation, collected our thoughts, and came back. When I talked to him again, I apologized for my behavior since neither one of us was approaching the problem very well. Even though he did say sorry, he was never even able to fully articulate his thoughts on why he acted the way he acted. It was very hard for me to talk to him without him being defensive.

However, we managed patch things up and are now back to normal. I think it's just very hard for some Aspies to sort things out. If the tension is high, is makes it worse.

That and everyone is different. So he might be learning new ways of expressions himself to you. Baby steps!

So, if it happens again....

1. Normally, it's not personal. He might very well care. He just isn't showing it in the way that you think.

2. Maybe take a break? Give yourself a few days. It allows you to cool off, and for him to think about the situation.

Hope that helps! And I am glad it worked out!

 

[Loren]

Oh, oh! Is that what 'putting yourself out there' means? It's a phrase others have used so often when giving me 'advice', exclusively women I think. They've never been able to tell me what it meant, the most common response when I ask what 'putting yourself out there' means is 'well, putting yourself out there'. Not so very useful. Does it mean putting yourself in a situation in which you are likely to get your feelings hurt? And if so, in what particular way, if any, does that phrase indicate the feelings are likely to be hurt? I think that they were trying to tell me something important and for my own good, but lacked the linguistic ability. Possibly there was a complete answer using non-verbal stuff that I'm incapable of reading.

Any information (beyond repeating what I ask, obviously) regarding the phrase 'putting yourself out there' would be appreciated. I've tried researching this fruitlessly, this use of it and the context may be the best lead I've had.

I might be wrong, but, I think in the context it is being used, 'putting yourself out there' might equate to, making yourself vulnerable/putting yourself in a vulnerable position.

 

[Loren]

I wish you and your boyfriend, continued happiness and success. : ))

 

[sisselcakes]

Oh, oh! Is that what 'putting yourself out there' means? It's a phrase others have used so often when giving me 'advice', exclusively women I think. They've never been able to tell me what it meant, the most common response when I ask what 'putting yourself out there' means is 'well, putting yourself out there'. Not so very useful. Does it mean putting yourself in a situation in which you are likely to get your feelings hurt? And if so, in what particular way, if any, does that phrase indicate the feelings are likely to be hurt? I think that they were trying to tell me something important and for my own good, but lacked the linguistic ability. Possibly there was a complete answer using non-verbal stuff that I'm incapable of reading.

Any information (beyond repeating what I ask, obviously) regarding the phrase 'putting yourself out there' would be appreciated. I've tried researching this fruitlessly, this use of it and the context may be the best lead I've had.

Yes! You got it.

Putting yourself out there is jumping into a situation where you could feel or be vulnerable - to criticism, attack, etc. It can be more than just hurt feelings.

People say that before giving advice because they believe are treading into a sensitive area. They are about to say something that could hurt someone’s feelings, that could get them attacked, shunned or where they could could be viewed as breaking a social norm - hence they would be judged by their peers.

In short, they are taking the risk of causing conflict or being judged.