"But s/he looks just like me": How we confuse NT partners

[tree]

Commonalities of human existence sound like a big project, for sure.
Maybe this framework would be useful as an outline.
Human Commonalities

 

[Kari_Cookie]

Commonalities of human existence sound like a big project, for sure.
Maybe this framework would be useful as an outline.
Human Commonalities

Thank you! I have being thinking this for a while, but I am busy with my life and work, I guess I will start to do it little by little, not sure how long it takes. But looks like an interesting project.

 

[Shonda]

As is my custom, I've had a thought while answering a post on another thread, and it's grown into a topic.

It's just occurred to me how bloody deceptive we Aspies can be, especially those of us who don't present as classic cases any doctor would spot from miles away. NTs find themselves attracted, perhaps for what we seem to have in common, perhaps for interesting differences they find refreshing. Things start out fine, emotions and energy get invested, then WHAM, they run up against thinking or behaviours they can't fathom and things can go sideways, fast. Or worse, the pairing goes into a painfully slow slide, with both partners struggling to bridge the invisible chasm before it all slips into the void.

We don't deceive anyone on purpose. It's just part of being an alien race with a human face, I reckon. But, good grief, it can be problematic. Devastating, even, and to both parties.

Aspies, have you had a relationship in which things started out fine, but your Aspieness became an insurmountable obstacle later? What happened? How did you handle it? What did you learn from it? Given the benefit of hindsight, could you have perhaps salvaged things? What might you have done?

NTs, have you been on the other end of such a situation? Same follow-up questions as above.

All this considered, do we have an obligation to reveal ourselves straight away when an NT shows interest?

Please note that I realise the tone of this post may come off as some sort of self-loathing, or that I am attributing all blame for the failure of AS/NT relationships to the Aspie involved. Suffice it to say that's not my intention. But let's face it...this happens.

Hello! This post is speaks mountains to me. I am an NT female who was involved with an AS male. Best relationship I ever had, and I would want it back in a heartbeat

To give some insight, he and I started out as a hookup. He pursued me for months. I tried to protect my heart because I was used to getting hurt, but I gave in, and he was the sweetest guy I had ever been with. He was funny, protective, and I could tell he wanted to be there for me in any capacity he could.

But I could always tell it was hard for him. I felt as though, when we slept together, he wanted to want me there. But that wasn't always the case, through sometimes it was. I know how much he needed space and time to himself, and I respected that the best I could.

He all of a sudden retreated from the relationship. We made an attempt at staying friends. It failed and he moved to another state without saying goodbye.

Mistakes that I made were not respecting his space and focusing too much on titles. He wasn't ready for that. He was afraid of hurting my feelings. To this day, I will never know if it is true that he needed space, or if he had just fallen out of love with me.

As far as opening up about him being on the spectrum, I never blamed him for not telling me. I found out by accident and I never told him that I knew. He may have been afraid of how I would think of him, but I mostly got the vibe that we wanted to come off as "normal" as possible... That doesn't mean that I wish he hadn't. I think we could have worked through a lot more if he told me.

And for the record, it doesn't change the way I feel about him one bit.

 

[Brit]

I guess that for older aspies like myself who weren't diagnosed until later in life the question refers to actual experience.

Deception would never have been my intent, however, how can we deceive when we do not know the 'why'?

My youthful years endowed me with a certain charisma, whether that was an aspie trait or not I do not know, but I do know I was pursued and chose to run quite slowly. Having read a few books now on aspergers I realise that I fell into a similar pattern of wooing a potential partner with gusto whilst sweeping them off their feet and dazzling them with charm. Then in, apparently, aspie fashion I would cease the wooing knowing the 'job' was done.

None of that was ever done with any 'evil' intent, I craved love, to be loved by everyone but without considering what to do once someone said 'I love you'.

So it was that I would go from one relationship to the next hoping to find true love and believeing I had been deceived, never seeing for one moment that I was the sole cause of my own loss. The accumulation of that over the years made me cynical, made me shun the very people that did actually love me.

In every case my partners would say one thing,"Being around you is like walking on glass". I didn't understand why they couldn't see I needed my own space at times, that I didn't want to go out at the drop of a hat, that work was more important than holidays, that all my promises were naught but smoke and mirrors.

How many wrongs do we do because we are what we are, each unique but bound to play out role laid down from the moment of our creation. Sometimes I have considered myself the half man half beast of fables, or the cursed soul wandering for eternity in search of love.

Now?

Ten years of self enforced celibacy following my aspie revelation has given me plenty of time to reflect, to grieve and to grow. No, I'm not cured, we all know we can't be cured as what we are is not an illness but a way of living. I have learnt to stop hating myself and to crawl out of the dark of my self induced exile. However, I believe I understand that way, that Tao, is no longer destructive to the people around me. At least I think that is the case.

Transparency is what I believe will make it work, my transparency that states 'I am an aspie' and this is what I am like at my worst and my best. A transparency that speaks of what I can be in certain situations and what I need in those moments. Moreover, a transparency that asks "what do you need from me?" with a soul-deep intent to fulfill it. You cannot hide in an impregnable fortress if you choose to love, because love will smash those walls and lay you bare, and in that moment if you are not ready, the only pain you will know is the pain of loss again and another heart breaks.

As a taoist I have always striven to walk the middle path of no extremes, as an aspie I know I am those extremes, sometimes faith is there to be tested, whether it is faith in some god or faith in oneself.

Time will tell.

How did you come to realise you had Aspergers? DO you wish you had known sooner?