Can I get him back?

[dashbro]

Sometimes, we hear what we want to hear.

Well, without context, that seems like it but i would love to explain a bit more the end of our relationship if i could. The only reason why im reacting this way is that there is a lot of resonance from what i experienced after the past few months. I honestly felt emotionally abused. But before that, the relationship was fine. There was a real shift of personnality.

 

[Rodafina]

I’m sorry to be causing a bit of trouble in your thread, and it has nothing to do with you. But, it has everything to do with someone coming here and asking for advice. It is very important that we work with what we have been given, and recognize that that will always only be half the story.

Again, absolutely nothing against you, but there are a good amount of women who come here asking about their boyfriends and partners with autism and want us to solve the difficult questions and provide satisfying answers, but that is really impossible to do without knowing all the intricacies of your relationship and knowing about your partner. So again, much of my comments have little to do with you and your situation and more about how we, as a forum, always work to use rational thinking in the advice that we offer to others.

 

[dashbro]

I’m sorry to be causing a bit of trouble in your thread, and it has nothing to do with you. But, it has everything to do with someone coming here and asking for advice. It is very important that we work with what we have been given, and recognize that that will always only be half the story.

Again, absolutely nothing against you, but there are a good amount of women who come here asking about their boyfriends and partners with autism and want us to solve the difficult questions and provide satisfying answers, but that is really impossible to do without knowing all the intricacies of your relationship and knowing about your partner. So again, much of my comments have little to do with you and your situation and more about how we, as a forum, always work to use rational thinking in the advice that we offer to others.

That totally makes sense! I can appreciate that

 

[Rodafina]

What assumptions?

What is your evidence for the following things?

1.

When people show you whothey are, believe them, especially when he is acting like a putz.

2.

When it comes to things like emotional blackmail, one strike and yer out.

3.

He does not deserve a do-over.

 

[Rodafina]

That totally makes sense! I can appreciate that

Thank you for understanding. But of course, don’t let my comments interfere with you taking in what others say. If it is meaningful to you, it is meaningful. If I have other opinions about peoples comments or the situation, that is just one drop in the bucket. You are here for advice, anything that helps you feel good is a good thing.

 

[Aspychata]

Think everyone has their ideas, and it's great to have healthy discussions and let people discuss without calling them out on things. It's always interesting to read others perception on what they see. @Gerald Wilgus , thanks for your insight.

 

[The Pandector]

My wife of 40 years died before I figured out I have autism. Neither of us understood what we were dealing with. Before she passed she told me she had never spoken ill of me.

She didn’t break down in bitterness for the countless tears I caused, but said she had a full life. She told our son she didn’t regret a minute.

Rarely an hour goes by that I don’t think of her, and usually with sadness that we didn’t understand the nature of the battle. I honestly do not think I would have come through life at all without her loving, compassionate, forgiving friendship. She loved me, and I hear an echo in your voice.

If you’re in it to have your needs met, run fast and far. If you’re in it for love, tell him you understand what went wrong. Forgive whatever wrongheaded decisions he’s made and go for broke.

 

[dashbro]

Thank you for understanding. But of course, don’t let my comments interfere with you taking in what others say. If it is meaningful to you, it is meaningful. If I have other opinions about peoples comments or the situation, that is just one drop in the bucket. You are here for advice, anything that helps you feel good is a good thing.

I appreciate your nuances!

My wife of 40 years died before I figured out I have autism. Neither of us understood what we were dealing with. Before she passed she told me she had never spoken ill of me.

She didn’t break down in bitterness for the countless tears I caused, but said she had a full life. She told our son she didn’t regret a minute.

Rarely an hour goes by that I don’t think of her, and usually with sadness that we didn’t understand the nature of the battle. I honestly do not think I would have come through life at all without her loving, compassionate, forgiving friendship. She loved me, and I hear an echo in your voice.

If you’re in it to have your needs met, run fast and far. If you’re in it for love, tell him you understand what went wrong. Forgive whatever wrongheaded decisions he’s made and go for broke.

i appreciate your message so much. I really do love im a bunch. That must have been so hard for you. I whished I could have given more. Right now im thinking of giving him the appartment we were living in, because its one of the reason why he doesnt want anything to do with me anymore. But again, thats not fair cause he broke up with me. Im not in it to have my needs met, i meet my own need very easily. I truly love him, but i think im shut out in his mind now

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Hey! I would be curious to know your arguments as to why you think if there is one case of emotional blackmail the other person should be out? I think you were particularly spot on on seeing the emotional blackmail, i left the details out and didnt even mean to present that as such, but there was so many instance of manipulation over the past few months that i left under the rug that i should have taken that seriously. Honestly, because its so far from his usual personality, I excused it because he was in burnout, but ive been burned out and in depression before and ive never acted as such. I would love to hear you more about it! Im specifying im not painting all autistic people as manipulative, thats the case of my ex in that specific context of burnout where i think he wanted to protect himself… but anyway abusive behavior is not right in most context.

The behaviors you describe are like poker "tells".

so he said because I was reacting so strongly, he had to cut me out, and there was no way we could get together in the future.

His blaming another person for his lack of self regulation and then his shutting you away from a previously satisfying relationship in a fit is a big tell. And that behavior does not exist as a one-off event. It is a learned behavior that is usually the result of reinforcement. NTs also are guilty of such, so it is not unique to autism. The reason I say one strike and yer out is because, unlike the stock market, with people, past performance predicts future returns. I'd think that it would be easier for you to find a kind, accepting man for a relationship than to seek to stay with somebody who will turn on you at a whim.

 

[dashbro]

The behaviors you describe are like poker "tells".

His blaming another person for his lack of self regulation and then his shutting you away from a previously satisfying relationship in a fit is a big tell. And that behavior does not exist as a one-off event. It is a learned behavior that is usually the result of reinforcement. NTs also are guilty of such, so it is not unique to autism. The reason I say one strike and yer out is because, unlike the stock market, with people, past performance predicts future returns. I'd think that it would be easier for you to find a kind, accepting man for a relationship than to seek to stay with somebody who will turn on you at a whim.

You are highly perceptive. I think the learned behavior thing makes much sense with his life history as well. And yes, even though i think people can change, and i honestly believe he could, i think it would require serious work on his side. The next girlfriend is gonna probably have it easier than i did. That's life.

 

[Rodafina]

. I really do love im a bunch. That must have been so hard for you. I whished I could have given more. Right now im thinking of giving him the appartment we were living in, because its one of the reason why he doesnt want anything to do with me anymore. But again, thats not fair cause he broke up with me. Im not in it to have my needs met, i meet my own need very easily. I truly love him, but i think im shut out in his mind now

This is very sweet, and sounds very difficult for you. I think one of the unfortunate things is that when someone is either asking for, demanding, or creating space for themselves, as much as we want to either invade that space with abounding love or touch a tentative toe in it to say Are you OK, usually honoring the space requested is the best way to either move on or eventually make amends.

If I had asked for space from someone, and was given it, if my feelings did turn back toward love for them, I would notice and appreciate that they honored the space I asked for. Either way though, it sounds very difficult and sad for you.

 

[Aspychata]

Sometimes we are life teachers, or the person is our life teacher, or we both end up enriched. But again, some of us don't want this roll. Lively discussion.

@The Pandector
Thank you for sharing this.

 

[dashbro]

This is very sweet, and sounds very difficult for you. I think one of the unfortunate things is that when someone is either asking for, demanding, or creating space for themselves, as much as we want to either invade that space with abounding love or touch a tentative toe in it to say Are you OK, usually honoring the space requested is the best way to either move on or eventually make amends.

If I had asked for space from someone, and was given it, if my feelings did turn back toward love for them, I would notice and appreciate that they honored the space I asked for. Either way though, it sounds very difficult and sad for you.

Thats is probably the most valuable lesson i learned from being in a relationship with someone on the spectrum

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Think everyone has their ideas, and it's great to have healthy discussions and let people discuss without calling them out on things. It's always interesting to read others perception on what they see. @Gerald Wilgus , thanks for your insight.

I have observed abusive behaviors and there are commonalities in abusive tactics. A big one is where the abuser has the victim own the abuser's emotions, so they are never at fault. Classic gaslighting. Once that is done, witholding love, support and protection as blackmail creates the condition that when abuse escalates to violence the victim frequently excuses the abuser and the victim descends into internalizing self recrimination.

 

[Aspychata]

This happens even with strictly emotional abuse. Very perceptive Gerald.

 

[dashbro]

I have observed abusive behaviors and there are commonalities in abusive tactics. A big one is where the abuser has the victim own the abuser's emotions, so they are never at fault. Classic gaslighting. Once that is done, witholding love, support and protection as blackmail creates the condition that when abuse escalates to violence the victim frequently excuses the abuser and the victim descends into internalizing self recrimination.

Last week he wrote to me to put all the blame of the relationship on me… i felt so guilty. Also, he is higly aware of what manipulation is, as he was getting paranoied that people were manipulating him not so long ago. He calls people out on behavior that dont seems manipulative to most people. He is very sensitive of that… And then since all the problems starts he uses very evident manipulation on me, which i still don’t understand… i cant even call him out, because im affraid he will push me even more away

 

[dashbro]

Last week he wrote to me to put all the blame of the relationship on me… i felt so guilty. Also, he is higly aware of what manipulation is, as he was getting paranoied that people were manipulating him not so long ago. He calls people out on behavior that dont seems manipulative to most people. He is very sensitive of that… And then since all the problems starts he uses very evident manipulation on me, which i still don’t understand… i cant even call him out, because im affraid he will push me even more away

Like the level at which what you explain fits with what ive experienced is unreal

 

[dashbro]

Autistic people who have been manipulated before, and who cannot read others true intentions, may cope by excessively interpreting harmless interactions as manipulation.

Yes, that im aware of. But the fact that he is aware of what manipulation is, in great detail and is able to identify it and to describe it…. Meanwhile using it himself, is puzzling me.

 

[Uppity Creek]

Memories, of my first serious relationship, decades ago. I had absolutely no idea I was on the spectrum at the time (and likely had never heard the term "Aspergers".) I was going through a rough patch, struggling with life after high school, and drifting. I quit college, and her family started really running me down. Based on that, she broke up with me, and left me shattered. In some ways, I've never recovered. She had been a rock for me to hold on to. In time she tried to win me back, but it wasn't the same. At one point, perhaps a year after the break-up, she wrote me a sincere letter making it clear she wanted me back. (I tossed it out, in a weak moment, many years later. But I still recall those words: "my best friend told me, if I want something, I should go get it. Well, I want you.") The receipt of that letter, and my answer to it, remains a pivotal moment for me. After much contemplation, I wrote her back that she was right to break up with me, that we had both changed, and it wouldn't have worked out, anyway. Now, let me tell you this: I have second guessed that decision again and again. There have been times, even recently, when she was all I could think about. Sometimes I daydream that, later in life, we might both find ourselves alone again, and can get back together.

Had she not given up with that one letter...I don't know what would have happened. There were definitely times, before either of us had finally married, when I would have taken her back in a heartbeat. Of course, we're all different, but that's my story. Maybe it helps.

 

[dashbro]

Yes, that im aware of. But the fact that he is aware of what manipulation is, in great detail and is able to identify it and to describe it…. Meanwhile using it himself, is puzzling me.

Memories, of my first serious relationship, decades ago. I had absolutely no idea I was on the spectrum at the time (and likely had never heard the term "Aspergers".) I was going through a rough patch, struggling with life after high school, and drifting. I quit college, and her family started really running me down. Based on that, she broke up with me, and left me shattered. In some ways, I've never recovered. She had been a rock for me to hold on to. In time she tried to win me back, but it wasn't the same. At one point, perhaps a year after the break-up, she wrote me a sincere letter making it clear she wanted me back. (I tossed it out, in a weak moment, many years later. But I still recall those words: "my best friend told me, if I want something, I should go get it. Well, I want you.") The receipt of that letter, and my answer to it, remains a pivotal moment for me. After much contemplation, I wrote her back that she was right to break up with me, that we had both changed, and it wouldn't have worked out, anyway. Now, let me tell you this: I have second guessed that decision again and again. There have been times, even recently, when she was all I could think about. Sometimes I daydream that, later in life, we might both find ourselves alone again, and can get back together.

Had she not given up with that one letter...I don't know what would have happened. There were definitely times, before either of us had finally married, when I would have taken her back in a heartbeat. Of course, we're all different, but that's my story. Maybe it helps.

Oh i feel you. Those we truly love never leave our hearts its never too late in life. But probably now its only a fantasy. But i get you.