Can social skills be so poor, a person doesn't even know until they are 43?

[Ginseng]

I’ve had labels such as blunt, arrogant, heartless..., very opinionated thrown at me

And for marching outside your house with placards and a loudhailer

Okay people, now I have visuals of all this.

 

[Judge]

Tough question. With or without age being a serious consideration of it all. Personally I think the most significant thing is that you are asking such a question of yourself to begin with. Though like so many traits and behaviors at varying amplitudes, there's not telling of how much or how little you may be able to address your own behavior relative to interacting with others in real-time. With little chance of much of anyone giving you a "free pass" even if such issues are "hard-wired" in a neurological sense. Where social protocols and rituals may ultimately remain a mystery to you in whole or in part.

Especially from the perspective of social interactions conducted in real-time. Where one might be able to realize what may have gone wrong, but more often than not, only after the fact. Something that I have to deal with. To me a real-time conversation even with one person amounts to a form of having to multitask. Where I have to listen to them and comprehend what they say, but also to determine a response. Complicated perhaps by other unwanted sounds whether people or not.

For others, they may be so "blind" to their own social transgressions that they literally can't identify them, even with the worst possible feedback ranging from criticism to abuse. Those who may have impairments in executive functioning to a point where they are simply unable to "work the problem".

At least in your case you are addressing things in terms of how they impact your life. That seems pretty positive, though more often than not, a perception of successful social interactions may well depend on the individual you are speaking to in real-time.

That all said however, I see no real "magic bullet" to rectify such things in their entirety. That most of us can only struggle with self-awareness, whether we can improve things or not in real-time or only after the fact. Though I do wonder about those who don't seem to have any ability to account for their own difficulties in interactions with others and tend to blame them on anyone but themselves. And then lastly to consider those who remain relatively indifferent to their social interactions no matter what is said or understood.

 

[Gracey]

Sorry about that

And for marching outside your house with placards and a loudhailer

I wondered what that was all about.

I thought you were advertising or selling something.
(Hearing’s not great and I didn’t have my specs on)

 

[china autie]

@Ginseng yeah some therapists get offended and defensive, particularly those who are younger and less experienced. There are advantages and disadvantages to everything.

Trolls are trolls and not worth basing our self-esteem on.

I do not understand why many people do not want to be as accurate as possible.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Tough question. With or without age being a serious consideration of it all. Personally I think the most significant thing is that you are asking such a question of yourself to begin with. Though like so many traits and behaviors at varying amplitudes, there's not telling of how much or how little you may be able to address your own behavior relative to interacting with others in real-time. With little chance of much of anyone giving you a "free pass" even if such issues are "hard-wired" in a neurological sense. Where social protocols and rituals may ultimately remain a mystery to you in whole or in part.

Especially from the perspective of social interactions conducted in real-time. Where one might be able to realize what may have gone wrong, but more often than not, only after the fact. Something that I have to deal with. To me a real-time conversation even with one person amounts to a form of having to multitask. Where I have to listen to them and comprehend what they say, but also to determine a response. Complicated perhaps by other unwanted sounds whether people or not.

For others, they may be so "blind" to their own social transgressions that they literally can't identify them, even with the worst possible feedback ranging from criticism to abuse. Those who may have impairments in executive functioning to a point where they are simply unable to "work the problem".

At least in your case you are addressing things in terms of how they impact your life. That seems pretty positive, though more often than not, a perception of successful social interactions may well depend on the individual you are speaking to in real-time.

That all said however, I see no real "magic bullet" to rectify such things in their entirety. That most of us can only struggle with self-awareness, whether we can improve things or not in real-time or only after the fact. Though I do wonder about those who don't seem to have any ability to account for their own difficulties in interactions with others and tend to blame them on anyone but themselves. And then lastly to consider those who remain relatively indifferent to their social interactions no matter what is said or understood.

You had me at hello.

 

[Fay Jones Day]

I didn’t know I had poor social skills until I was 64! I thought I was misunderstood, unlucky enough to always be surrounded by mean people and the whole world was in on an inside joke that I was excluded from.
After joining this forum I learned that I’m not alone.
I used to be told that I always find fault in everything. This is kind of true because if something isn’t correct then shouldn’t someone point it out? I have learned that NO, do not point out mistakes, it is NEVER appreciated! Except by others like us. Nobody cares if a tie is crooked, the fork isn’t even with the knife, or the Savory Salmon cat food needs to be restocked!

I know how you feel. Isn't it nice to find out there are other people like you?

 

[Fay Jones Day]

I am on the path of a formal diagnostic and actually, it was only when I came across the word aspergers that I started to have the "ahhh" moment. So, could that be why I do not fit in, despite trying my best?

49 now and still don't get social skills.

I came to the realization even older than you are. I'm 67. I see a lot of people talking about trying to fit in. This is really sad. I can't honestly remember ever trying to fit in. I think that I started viewing the "others" like herds of sheep. I like people individually, but I don't feel the urge to fit in. Why do we need to be like everybody else?

 

[Misery]

I came to the realization even older than you are. I'm 67. I see a lot of people talking about trying to fit in. This is really sad. I can't honestly remember ever trying to fit in. I think that I started viewing the "others" like herds of sheep. I like people individually, but I don't feel the urge to fit in. Why do we need to be like everybody else?

We dont need to, for the most part.

And anyone that says otherwise can take a long walk off a short pier. Which is hanging over a pit full of agitated rattlesnakes.

The idea of fitting in is, in itself, something pushed by common society. The Hivemind cant understand things that dont fit into a convenient little box, and so does anything possible to shove those things away. Pathetic, really.

In some cases, we're forced to put on a mask, so to speak. Typically, this always involves employment. To be fair though... even most NTs have to wear the mask when being employed. That's the nature of having a job.

Outside of that though? Screw it.

Alot of people here worry about fitting in because they think they need to in order to find friends or have a relationship, but to that I say this: If you need to hide who you really are in order for someone to be your friend... they arent really your friend to begin with.

I forgot where else I was going with this.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Outside of that though? Screw it.

Alot of people here worry about fitting in because they think they need to in order to find friends or have a relationship, but to that I say this: If you need to hide who you really are in order for someone to be your friend... they arent really your friend to begin with.

A good strategy is to try and define the box that other people will put you in.
They need a box for you. It's their way.

You've got a mask for :

Job
Neighbours


Neighbours IMO are ones to watch for - they are the ones that can condemn you with gossip without you even knowing and destroy your life in an instant.

So my mask for neighbours is a smile and a kind word if I'm able.
Not insulting them to their faces is also a positive step
Obviously I avoid them where I can
Thankfully I'm mostly left alone.

 

[Misery]

Ehh. To be honest I dont even see the need to go that far. I'm just as strange and spiky around neighbors or whatever as I am anywhere else.

I figure, if someone wants to make a bunch of stupid gossip about me, well... tough. Tough for them, that is, cause it's only going to end up wasting their time. I mean, why should I care? If they're willing to be nasty like that, they wouldnt be friends of mine to begin with, so there'd be no reason for me to waste time and mental space considering their opinion to be worth anything.

And anyone else who would change their opinions of me to a negative one BECAUSE of that spread of gossip also would never have been a friend to begin with.

If anything, that spread of gossip would serve a useful purpose: It'd serve as a jerkbag filter. I'd find out who is nice and who is an absolute bag of congealed snot real fast, and that'd probably save me alot of time and trouble.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Ehh. To be honest I dont even see the need to go that far. I'm just as strange and spiky around neighbors or whatever as I am anywhere else.

I figure, if someone wants to make a bunch of stupid gossip about me, well... tough. Tough for them, that is, cause it's only going to end up wasting their time. I mean, why should I care? If they're willing to be nasty like that, they wouldnt be friends of mine to begin with, so there'd be no reason for me to waste time and mental space considering their opinion to be worth anything.

And anyone else who would change their opinions of me to a negative one BECAUSE of that spread of gossip also would never have been a friend to begin with.

If anything, that spread of gossip would serve a useful purpose: It'd serve as a jerkbag filter. I'd find out who is nice and who is an absolute bag of congealed snot real fast, and that'd probably save me alot of time and trouble.

It's more that you can be subject to bullying etc and,if there are any problems in the neighborhood, you can be scapegoated.

People are still medieval underneath.

 

[Misery]

Eh, to a degree it probably depends on what sort of area you're in.

I dont live in a major city or anything, or in an urban environment, so there's not really much anyone can do to me here. Nor do I live in the sort of super small town where gossip spreads like wildfire due to there being barely anyone around (granted, I'd still act exactly the same if I did live in a really small town).

More importantly though... I dont stick around anywhere long enough for anyone to get to know me. I figure, why stand around public places and interact with absolute twits? So I dont. Nobody is going to try to scapegoat someone if they dont even know who that someone is or that they exist. May as well try to scapegoat the invisible homicidal clown that lives in the closet.

Hell, I've lived where I am for about 10 years now, which is a fairly crowded place despite not being an urban area, and not even the neighbors know my name (though I honestly dont really care if they were to learn it). It is possible to make that happen. I dont know theirs either, come to think of it. Granted, I also dont care much.

My point is: Alot of people really spend ALOT of time worrying about this sort of thing... but through one's own actions and choices, it's possible to entirely avoid ALL of it even without masking. However, this does require trying a different approach than one may be used to (in my case, the approach is simply not giving a fart). There are probably a variety of other approaches that work too, but I've never cared enough to bother figuring them out.

But for those that are already used to the whole masking thing, it wouldnt be so easy. It's hard to break one's own habits, after all. Particularly old habits, eh? Still, rather than constantly be stressed out, for some of the people at this site, it's at least worth considering other approaches. I mean, maybe, I dunno...


That all being said, you're right: people are indeed medieval underneath. Even MORE reason not to bother with any of them!

Ugh, and I can tell it's getting close to bedtime and all my caffeine has worn off. I feel like I'm getting less and less coherent here. Dont mind me, just rambling on, nothing to see here...

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Eh, to a degree it probably depends on what sort of area you're in.

I dont live in a major city or anything, or in an urban environment, so there's not really much anyone can do to me here. Nor do I live in the sort of super small town where gossip spreads like wildfire due to there being barely anyone around (granted, I'd still act exactly the same if I did live in a really small town).

More importantly though... I dont stick around anywhere long enough for anyone to get to know me. I figure, why stand around public places and interact with absolute twits? So I dont. Nobody is going to try to scapegoat someone if they dont even know who that someone is or that they exist. May as well try to scapegoat the invisible homicidal clown that lives in the closet.

Hell, I've lived where I am for about 10 years now, which is a fairly crowded place despite not being an urban area, and not even the neighbors know my name (though I honestly dont really care if they were to learn it). It is possible to make that happen. I dont know theirs either, come to think of it. Granted, I also dont care much.

My point is: Alot of people really spend ALOT of time worrying about this sort of thing... but through one's own actions and choices, it's possible to entirely avoid ALL of it even without masking. However, this does require trying a different approach than one may be used to (in my case, the approach is simply not giving a fart). There are probably a variety of other approaches that work too, but I've never cared enough to bother figuring them out.

But for those that are already used to the whole masking thing, it wouldnt be so easy. It's hard to break one's own habits, after all. Particularly old habits, eh? Still, rather than constantly be stressed out, for some of the people at this site, it's at least worth considering other approaches. I mean, maybe, I dunno...


That all being said, you're right: people are indeed medieval underneath. Even MORE reason not to bother with any of them!

Ugh, and I can tell it's getting close to bedtime and all my caffeine has worn off. I feel like I'm getting less and less coherent here. Dont mind me, just rambling on, nothing to see here...

Essentially, I agree completely.

But with my bits added on.