Can you look into your own eyes?

[crisscross]

Over the years, I have found that if you do not look "most people" in the eyes, they think that you are not listening to them. If I am having a important conversation with someone, I make sure that I look them in the eyes.

Yeah, I much agree to your experiences: Eye contact seems to be very important to successfully maintain a conversation. The eyes seem to re-assure us that the other person is still listening and understanding.

 

[crisscross]

I only have trouble knowing how long to make eye contact for, in order to appear engaged in the conversation but without staring, and remembering to do so to begin with. I don't think practising making eye contact with myself in the mirror would help with that.

I just don't remember to do it without conscious thought, and then I feel a bit uncomfortable sometimes because I'm suddenly self-conscious about how long to maintain eye contact.

Believe it or not, but NTs often have the same problems as you describe here. We are not always sure how long to maintain eye contact during a conversation. To long might cause the other person to feel uneasy, to short might feel them as if we are not interested enough in what they say.

The same it is with body language during a flirt. NTs among themselves do not always interpret body language and face expression appropriately. We sometimes misinterpret signs and assess their meaning as too strong or weak.

 

[Mads]

Looking into anybody else's eyes can send a signal that they aren't nice if they don't look away within the average time for a human to look away. This leads to me sometimes very wrongfully triggering my "fight or flight" response. (Don't worry, it's always set at flight.) I can look into my own eyes in the mirror because I know it's not an opposing force. I see myself, someone who I can trust. I can't see that with other people, because I'm so paranoid. I see eye contact as an obstacle. If I even dare to compare it to being held at gunpoint. No matter how genuinely nice one may be.

 

[paloftoon]

I don't like to give eye contact to myself, and if I do, it's not long. When combing my hair, I actually have a tendency to look at my hair rather than eyes. Same with flossing except I focus more on my teeth only. It is probably natural for someone to look at their own eyes and self in the mirror for a little bit to see how they look or if they are a really vain person. I can look at others and give them eye contact. It depends how I feel I don't usually make a big deal about it unless I'm at an interview. If I'm at an interview not in the US, I might forget that eye contact might be kinda bad since I've gotten more use to trying to get a job in the US.

 

[Libecht]

I have a hard time making eye contact. Looking at my reflection is easier but I still have the urge to look else where. I wish I could fix this problem

 

[Bellatrix]

Strangely enough, I don't have as much of a problem looking into the eyes of others that I used to have, but I really don't like mirrors, and will avoid looking at my reflection at all if I can help it.

 

[Liambruno]

As a kid I had a strange sense of disconnect when looking at my own face. It seemed like someone else's face I was looking at, and the image alone tells me almost nothing (though it is a good way to practice facial expressions, which I still do at 34). I'm still a bit that way. Maybe it's the alexithymia in play there. Do NTs and non-alexithymics feel an intuitive connection between the face in the mirror and their own identity?

That said, eye contact with myself was never an issue; it's just an image, and the mind behind it is my own, so it's a bit like tickling myself--doesn't really do anything except feel awkward.

 

[Maelstrom]

I have trouble looking into the eyes very much...but I have learned to watch the expressions around eyes, that is where evil users give off tells....they can talk real sweet but a flicker of darkness often will show their true emotion towards you.
Sweet words + plus a flicker of hostility around the eyes = Danger

 

[tachyon]

I have no problem looking at my own eyes. I don't do it often because I have the idea it should reveal something fundamental about me, but I draw a blank every time.

I have always been somewhat uncomfortable looking at others eyes. I can remember as a child several times being told (they were yelling actually) - “look at me when I’m talking to you”. I notice that in conversations I do it in a controlled sequence (look/look away) with others nowadays. I guess I learned that it was important to do it, but I find that in order to fully absorb the details of a complex discussion I absolutely must look down at the ground and shut out other inputs.

 

[Crossbreed]

My eye contact varies. I feel comfortable if I feel like the other person gets me. I don't feel comfortable if I sense any tension.

My own reflection (or photograph) doesn't strike me as another person. Looking at my own eyes doesn't affect me any more than viewing my other body parts.

On a related note, I was once doing an inventory of my figure collection where they were all facing me. It felt like they were all waiting for me to give a speech or something. I only collect figures with pleasant expressions, so they didn't look scary, just attentive.

 

[Catlover614]

I can't make eye contact for very long nor do I like looking at myself.

 

[Jim Lee]

Looking into someone else's eyes doesn't bother me very much, nor does looking into my eyes in a mirror. I must add that I really don't like mirrors and avoid them unless I need to shave or comb my hair.

 

[JuniperBug]

Interesting question! I can look at my own eyes with no issues.

I personally don't find it difficult or painful to make eye contact. Just confusing and socially pressuring because I know there is a "right" amount of eye contact I am expected to make and at the right times too.

My main issue is that I'm equally drawn to all the parts of a NT person's body as they seem to be to my eyes. So my most natural instinct is just to scan all over people, staring at their arms, beard, ears, knees, forehead, fingers. As I kid I was often accused of "looking people up at down" or "looking for something".

Now I consciously focus on a person's mouth, nose, eyes, and eyebrows so I'm always sort of making eye contact but I'm not like giving them a death-stare. That seems to work well for me. And I try to look away as often as they do. It's a lot to mentally keep up with. lol.

 

[EstimatedProphet]

I can look at my own eyes but have to be mindful about making eye contact with others. Sometimes when I don't have the energy to suppress how uncomfortable eye contact is for me, I will look at the space between the person's eyebrows. I've been told nobody can tell the difference.

When conversation fatigue sets in (usually about 30 minutes in meetings, interviews, lunches, etc), I'll start to forget to make regular EC and not realize it until later that I went the last 15 minutes of the interaction without making EC. Just another thing you've gotta keep in your head when out in NT-land.

 

[toothless]

Dear Community,

hereby I adress all aspies who read my thread:

I read that it is an asperger trait not to be able to hold long eye contact with other people.

How is it to look into your own eyes in the mirror. Can you do that for a long time? How you feel about it?

Could that be a feasable training method to make eye contact with other people endure longer?

I hope you don't find this question weird

CrissCross

i am autie-not aspie but your impression of eye contact also is found all over the spectrum,not just aspergers,however i know you wont see this as ive not seen you around lately and you have a low post count from before this year which might imply you dont use the forum much if at all.

anyway waffle over....before i started on anti pyschotics i would explode into rage everytime someone tried to do eye contact with me,and that would include catching the look of my own eyes in a mirror or eyes on pictures.
when i started on respiridone and the rest,i couldnt see eyes anymore, its taken them away,i just see fuzz for each eye,i already have extremely impaired visual processing and perception,but the medications have caused a side effect thats actually a good thing for once, i am now able to stare people out and make people uncomfortable,i like that as thats how humans have made me my whole life.

 

[Mr Allen]

Anyone who makes an issue of the eye contact thing seriously needs to shut up IMHO.

In 2007 I had an interview with a woman from Remploy, and to cut a long angst filled story short the "interview" was a disaster, firstly, she accused me to my face of LYING about every word of my CV because I have no references, well pardon me for having worked for nearly every major Charity in Sheffield over most of the previous 15 years since I left school, and not having anything to show for it, not my fault or problem! She also delighted in pointing out the no eye contact thing, I'm Aspie, I can't help that.

By rights I should've sued the knickers off this woman for blatant discrimination IMO, and Remploy are supposed to be pro-disability.

In the end I walked out of the interview and went into meltdown mode shouting "Seriously WTF just happened?!"

 

[tree]

@Mr Allen

Why no references?
Even if they all went to different establishments
to work, it seems like there'd be someone who
supervised you who could be contacted, and
would provide a reference.

Did they all die?

 

[Mr Allen]

@Mr Allen

Why no references?
Even if they all went to different establishments
to work, it seems like there'd be someone who
supervised you who could be contacted, and
would provide a reference.

Did they all die?

No, but the majority of the work dates so far back that the guys who were my Bosses back then aren't there any more in a lot of cases.

I do put on the bottom of every CV I send in, "References available on request", because I do have a few slightly more recent jobs I can get references from·

But I didn't in 2007.

 

[tree]

So, actually, you do have some references available.
It's not necessary to have every reference from the
ancient past, so to speak.

The more recent ones would be pertinent.
They are the people who have seen you in action lately.

Your more recent performance (work) would be the
pertinent material, anyway, it would seem.

 

[Tom]

Yes, but if you do it too long you can set up a refractory mirror-distortion and your head will be sucked into the mirror and live on, just a head, in another universe.