Cannabis

[goodgravy]

My loneliness is getting so intense that I wake up in the morning practically in physical pain. No one knows how much pain I'm in. My social life is nil, I never hang out with anyone except family. I feel socializing to stave off loneliness isn't particularly healthy, but I feel like I'm sinking lower and lower in isolation. I feel like if I don't find a way to engage with the world on some level or another, to give to society somehow, to find joy, I'm going to wind up nuts. But just that sentence sounds self-centered to me. I've been able to keep myself distracted with hobbies and internet forums, but I'm really starting to spiral downward. I fear that if anyone knew everything I've thought and felt in the last several months that I'd wind up in the mental hospital, and I don't really think that's where I need to be anyway.

I was diagnosed with AS in 2008. I used to smoke cannabis all day every day, always striving to get higher and higher, and had no sense of identity/boundaries of any kind. I was diagnosed with Bipolar in 2010 and began taking Lithium. I spent a couple weeks in the hospital in mid-2011, got on anti-depressants there, got clean off recreational drugs, and have been ever since. In September 2012, I got off my anti-depressants, and then in April of 2013 I decided I wanted to tackle life without medication of any kind. Immediately following my discontinuation of Lithium, I unexpectedly discovered my sense of self and got in touch with my base emotions. I began working out every day and got into really good shape, running 3.75 miles/daily and lifting weights. Felt incredible on a daily basis. Simultaneously to feeling so good, adjusting my brain to the world off of drugs with exercise was the hardest thing I have ever undertaken, harder than quitting smoking cigarettes by a million miles. I made it eight months before stress got to me, and now I'm back on medications again, since November of 2013. I've been fighting off increasingly intense suicidal thoughts ever since, which I know are stemming from the fact that I feel less and less like myself, have no social life, am running out of ways to distract myself, and feeling more and more like a drug cocktail.

With the exception of an AS support group I attended from October 2010 to June 2011, and several AS meetups I attended over the last couple years, I haven't had a social life in six years. The idea of regular contact with someone/people scares me at the moment, I guess I'm kind of avoidant. I'm about to start working too, my family is running out of resources and needs me to, and I've been fine tuning my medication regimen over the last six months with my doctor. I'm lucky to have doctor who trusts my judgement and self-awareness as well as me trusting his, going slowly with medications and keeping dosages as low as possible. And my mood is just fine, as long as I can keep myself distracted with activities, but my lows are getting lower and lower and lower. I'm worried my doc is going to figure out how I really, really feel, and up my Lamictal and destroy my cognition even more, or reach for anti-depressants, and I need all the brain power I can get... but I don't think anti-depressants would actually deal with my avoidant tendencies, and I think he knows it.

I think a support group might be a good idea, to get my feet wet again in a structured setting, but I've changed so so much since I last was involved with the folks on the spectrum in my area, and I think it might be weird to just return out of the blue. But maybe that's just my fear of the edge of my comfort zone talking and I need to just get out there and do it. But I've got to do something, I can't imagine spending another 50+ years without friends/peers in good mental health...

I'm getting urges to smoke cannabis again, at least to buffer myself from social exclusion/depression, but I haven't done so yet, I guess because masking loneliness with drug use seems like a bad idea. I just need to get back into the flow of life more but I don't know where to start..... maybe I just need to tell someone how I feel in real life.... but I'm scared of the mental hospital and having other people tell me what's in my best interest, because I know that won't lead anywhere satisfying....

Anyone have any advice?

 

[Ereth]

While cannabis does have select medical merits, I really wouldn't recommend using it as a salve for lonely feelings (and I doubt it's compatible with your meds). Ask your doctor about that if you absolutely must know if such a combination is safe.

Maybe you could find a new kind of support group centered around a favorite hobby. It would keep your mind occupied and give you something productive to do.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Get off the weed and back into exercising. Even though its very hard, you already know what the benefits are since you've done it before. I used to be on anxiety meds and antidepressants, but now I exercise at least 4-5 days a week for an hour and I've been off of all meds for several years. I still get depressed in the winter with SAD but if I use my light diligently I start to feel somewhat better. Just stop the marijuana - nothing good can come from it. And you won't pass any drug test if a future job requires one.
** One thing I did was I got obsessed with exercise and diet which I found to be good for me. Some of those gyms have workout groups. You might meet people who are interested in the same exercise as you.

 

[Aspieistj]

I believe you should be totally honest with your doctor. He/she absolutely has to know how you feel and what you are taking in order to provide the best medical help.

 

[wyverary]

1) Don't hold things back from your doctor. From what you say, he sounds like a keeper, and any doc willing to have that kind of dialogue with his patients has your best interests truly at heart and vastly increases your chances of finding a combo that DOES work. It took me eight years to get to where I am now.
2) Go back to the support group. If it's the isolation that's getting to you, then I can't think of a better way to start. Find a way to overcome your apprehension and get yourself there.
3) Don't go back to self-medicating. If you've had a problem with it before, it's not likely to do you any good now.

Good luck with everything. Keep us posted, okay? Far too many of us have been through this ourselves. I hope one of us can nudge you in the right direction.

 

[goodgravy]

Thanks Wyverary.
Thanks everyone for your replies and suggestions. I'll post an update here when I make healthy progress.

 

[goodgravy]

First update: no suicidal thoughts so far today!

 

[goodgravy]

Slow, but steady progress over the last 48 hours.

 

[Peace]

My loneliness is getting so intense that I wake up in the morning practically in physical pain. No one knows how much pain I'm in. My social life is nil, I never hang out with anyone except family. I feel socializing to stave off loneliness isn't particularly healthy, but I feel like I'm sinking lower and lower in isolation. I feel like if I don't find a way to engage with the world on some level or another, to give to society somehow, to find joy, I'm going to wind up nuts. But just that sentence sounds self-centered to me. I've been able to keep myself distracted with hobbies and internet forums, but I'm really starting to spiral downward. I fear that if anyone knew everything I've thought and felt in the last several months that I'd wind up in the mental hospital, and I don't really think that's where I need to be anyway.

I was diagnosed with AS in 2008. I used to smoke cannabis all day every day, always striving to get higher and higher, and had no sense of identity/boundaries of any kind. I was diagnosed with Bipolar in 2010 and began taking Lithium. I spent a couple weeks in the hospital in mid-2011, got on anti-depressants there, got clean off recreational drugs, and have been ever since. In September 2012, I got off my anti-depressants, and then in April of 2013 I decided I wanted to tackle life without medication of any kind. Immediately following my discontinuation of Lithium, I unexpectedly discovered my sense of self and got in touch with my base emotions. I began working out every day and got into really good shape, running 3.75 miles/daily and lifting weights. Felt incredible on a daily basis. Simultaneously to feeling so good, adjusting my brain to the world off of drugs with exercise was the hardest thing I have ever undertaken, harder than quitting smoking cigarettes by a million miles. I made it eight months before stress got to me, and now I'm back on medications again, since November of 2013. I've been fighting off increasingly intense suicidal thoughts ever since, which I know are stemming from the fact that I feel less and less like myself, have no social life, am running out of ways to distract myself, and feeling more and more like a drug cocktail.

With the exception of an AS support group I attended from October 2010 to June 2011, and several AS meetups I attended over the last couple years, I haven't had a social life in six years. The idea of regular contact with someone/people scares me at the moment, I guess I'm kind of avoidant. I'm about to start working too, my family is running out of resources and needs me to, and I've been fine tuning my medication regimen over the last six months with my doctor. I'm lucky to have doctor who trusts my judgement and self-awareness as well as me trusting his, going slowly with medications and keeping dosages as low as possible. And my mood is just fine, as long as I can keep myself distracted with activities, but my lows are getting lower and lower and lower. I'm worried my doc is going to figure out how I really, really feel, and up my Lamictal and destroy my cognition even more, or reach for anti-depressants, and I need all the brain power I can get... but I don't think anti-depressants would actually deal with my avoidant tendencies, and I think he knows it.

I think a support group might be a good idea, to get my feet wet again in a structured setting, but I've changed so so much since I last was involved with the folks on the spectrum in my area, and I think it might be weird to just return out of the blue. But maybe that's just my fear of the edge of my comfort zone talking and I need to just get out there and do it. But I've got to do something, I can't imagine spending another 50+ years without friends/peers in good mental health...

I'm getting urges to smoke cannabis again, at least to buffer myself from social exclusion/depression, but I haven't done so yet, I guess because masking loneliness with drug use seems like a bad idea. I just need to get back into the flow of life more but I don't know where to start..... maybe I just need to tell someone how I feel in real life.... but I'm scared of the mental hospital and having other people tell me what's in my best interest, because I know that won't lead anywhere satisfying....

Anyone have any advice?

The support group sounds like a great idea and a healthy choice. Volunteering is a great way to feel good about your life and time, and maybe even interact with others.
As far as the cannabis goes, It is a tool like anything else. You can use it for good, or for bad. I do not know it to be an effective tool to replace human interaction.

 

[goodgravy]

Agreed, a tool like the medications I take. Personally, I think it might help to drag me down, as tempting as it sounds lately.

I've thought about volunteering but I've got to earn money too...I don't know if I would have the energy to do both... hmmmm... so many ideas.... must... find... balance...

 

[Sparticus]

The best advice I got was from my father. He knew someone who started a business but smoked pot everyday. Pretty soon he went bankrupt. I met a cool guy who owned his own business. At the time I was working in the computer field. He asked me to fill in on his phone center-something about real estate or rents. Totally unprofessional call room center...and this "cool" dude went bankrupt.

Point being, even if I have inhaled and grown weed, is that sooner or later it affects chronic smokers. It's good for medicinal usage. But not the best if you want to socialize. Good luck!!!!!!!!!!

My loneliness is getting so intense that I wake up in the morning practically in physical pain. No one knows how much pain I'm in. My social life is nil, I never hang out with anyone except family. I feel socializing to stave off loneliness isn't particularly healthy, but I feel like I'm sinking lower and lower in isolation. I feel like if I don't find a way to engage with the world on some level or another, to give to society somehow, to find joy, I'm going to wind up nuts. But just that sentence sounds self-centered to me. I've been able to keep myself distracted with hobbies and internet forums, but I'm really starting to spiral downward. I fear that if anyone knew everything I've thought and felt in the last several months that I'd wind up in the mental hospital, and I don't really think that's where I need to be anyway.

I was diagnosed with AS in 2008. I used to smoke cannabis all day every day, always striving to get higher and higher, and had no sense of identity/boundaries of any kind. I was diagnosed with Bipolar in 2010 and began taking Lithium. I spent a couple weeks in the hospital in mid-2011, got on anti-depressants there, got clean off recreational drugs, and have been ever since. In September 2012, I got off my anti-depressants, and then in April of 2013 I decided I wanted to tackle life without medication of any kind. Immediately following my discontinuation of Lithium, I unexpectedly discovered my sense of self and got in touch with my base emotions. I began working out every day and got into really good shape, running 3.75 miles/daily and lifting weights. Felt incredible on a daily basis. Simultaneously to feeling so good, adjusting my brain to the world off of drugs with exercise was the hardest thing I have ever undertaken, harder than quitting smoking cigarettes by a million miles. I made it eight months before stress got to me, and now I'm back on medications again, since November of 2013. I've been fighting off increasingly intense suicidal thoughts ever since, which I know are stemming from the fact that I feel less and less like myself, have no social life, am running out of ways to distract myself, and feeling more and more like a drug cocktail.

With the exception of an AS support group I attended from October 2010 to June 2011, and several AS meetups I attended over the last couple years, I haven't had a social life in six years. The idea of regular contact with someone/people scares me at the moment, I guess I'm kind of avoidant. I'm about to start working too, my family is running out of resources and needs me to, and I've been fine tuning my medication regimen over the last six months with my doctor. I'm lucky to have doctor who trusts my judgement and self-awareness as well as me trusting his, going slowly with medications and keeping dosages as low as possible. And my mood is just fine, as long as I can keep myself distracted with activities, but my lows are getting lower and lower and lower. I'm worried my doc is going to figure out how I really, really feel, and up my Lamictal and destroy my cognition even more, or reach for anti-depressants, and I need all the brain power I can get... but I don't think anti-depressants would actually deal with my avoidant tendencies, and I think he knows it.

I think a support group might be a good idea, to get my feet wet again in a structured setting, but I've changed so so much since I last was involved with the folks on the spectrum in my area, and I think it might be weird to just return out of the blue. But maybe that's just my fear of the edge of my comfort zone talking and I need to just get out there and do it. But I've got to do something, I can't imagine spending another 50+ years without friends/peers in good mental health...

I'm getting urges to smoke cannabis again, at least to buffer myself from social exclusion/depression, but I haven't done so yet, I guess because masking loneliness with drug use seems like a bad idea. I just need to get back into the flow of life more but I don't know where to start..... maybe I just need to tell someone how I feel in real life.... but I'm scared of the mental hospital and having other people tell me what's in my best interest, because I know that won't lead anywhere satisfying....

Anyone have any advice?

 

[Sparticus]

I just want to "self medicate" myself by falling in love with a woman

1)
3) Don't go back to self-medicating.
G

 

[goodgravy]

The best advice I got was from my father. He knew someone who started a business but smoked pot everyday. Pretty soon he went bankrupt. I met a cool guy who owned his own business. At the time I was working in the computer field. He asked me to fill in on his phone center-something about real estate or rents. Totally unprofessional call room center...and this "cool" dude went bankrupt.

Point being, even if I have inhaled and grown weed, is that sooner or later it affects chronic smokers. It's good for medicinal usage. But not the best if you want to socialize. Good luck!!!!!!!!!!

I hear that man, and thank you for the good wishes!!! I was extra socially awkward on weed, especially under the immediate effects.

I've seen recreational weed use take people down quick, it did me. I believe that it pretty much depends on the context it's used in - strictly to buffer the pain of isolation/loneliness in a mature adult? I don't know. I've never intentionally and consciously used it for such a purpose, only to "entertain" myself by getting higher and higher and higher, but on some level, even if it was completely below my awareness, I was attempting to fill a void - not something I'll try and pin down in words - even if I didn't know it at the time. When I used to smoke, it got to the point that I pretty much just sat in the garage all day and inhaled potent medical weed with hash oil on top of my bowls and mixed music on my computer. I was sooo faded. On top of the other prescription drugs I was on and recreational drugs I occasionally experimented with, I was on cloud 999.....anyway, I'm just rambling lol... I don't do that **** anymore. It's not worth it.

 

[goodgravy]

Had an appt. yesterday and went into considerably more detail. Didn't go into the suicidal thoughts but came home feeling like weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Felt much better afterward.

 

[Daniel]

It's nice for me to come across this thread today, as I have burned through my stash with no intention of refilling. I am sober as of today, and I'm happy to keep it that way.

I feel for you, goodgravy... I have been a pothead for the past fifteen years, and I've finally started listening to the voices in me that were telling me to stop. I was never physically alone, but I've felt emotionally and spiritually isolated for practically my entire life. I've been self-medicating to numb the pain of my isolation, and after a year of therapy, much self-work, and leaving a co-dependent relationship, I'm finally at a place where I am ready to stop letting the old wounds dictate how I live my life.

One thing that has helped me tremendously is this website - Break the Cycle. The link I've included points to Lesson 1 - how to understand, identify and reduce your psychological wounds. Through this lesson, I was able to understand that I was using cannabis to numb my feelings of excessive shame (and I was using sex to numb my feelings of excessive guilt!) There's great stuff in this site about learning what your needs are and how to meet them, how to communicate with others, and how to have healthy relationships.

Whether or not that's for you, it's nice to know there's another Aspie out there who's giving up the ganja! Best of luck to you!

 

[goodgravy]

Hi Daniel, thanks for sharing this, I am glad to read this today. I know how you feel, I always feel like I'm on the outside looking in to some degree or another. It's so hard to cope with sometimes....

If you ever need an ear, or just someone to talk to, please feel free to message me. Best of luck to you too!

 

[Nitro]

I find that many "untested fast tracked big pharma" remedies very disturbing...you place trust in a business that falters due to influences of money and not what needs to be taken care of...don't get me wrong,chemistry is wonderful,but often misguided by money and money alone...profit should not be a sole part of healthcare...healing should be primary...anyone who has the opinion that self-medication by the use of cannabinoids is bad needs to do a bit more research...no,marijuana should not be used as a crutch,but recommending a neverending chemistry experiment is not a good answer either...no,marijuana is not for everyone and should not be shoved to the side based on decisions from outside opinions by those who want to tell you they think...yes,there is the possibility of developing psychosis and a slim chance of lung cancer from smoking it,but there has never been a confirmed death as a result of using this drug...I could name plenty of bad side effects from pharmaceuticals that often are far worse than what they are treating and the attitude that maybe we will try something else next is totally bogus...there are many untapped uses of the natural occurring drug that is stifled by big pharma and governmental unwillingness to allow more studies...read up a bit and trust your own experiences,not just a doctor's opinion of what worked nine times out of ten...eight of those nine may not be able to give proper feedback on what is happening and only say the pills work because they do not know if they work and were told by a professional that they would and should be continued as a treatment...I had a doctor refuse my request for vicodin 5-500s because I have a history of marijuana use...he said he was totally against cannibis and refused to offer me vics because that would be "illegal" When I asked him why his thoughts were in that direction,he admitted that his chemistry could not hold a candle to the effects of marijuana and because the government would take his practice away if he prescribed opioids to me...he did unknowingly prescribe yet another opioid to me by the way...I looked it up and found out that under no uncertain times should the pill ever be given to someone with a traumatic brain injury...my guess is that he never read that part...he was not an general practitioner,but a physciatrist...it was a sad day when the medical profession took a bow to the government and now kisses their ass...maybe some of their big money made should have been spent on lobbying to keep the government out of their business ,not buying fancy homes and cars with their earnings...The United States government tried a prohibition of alcohol and it failed miserably,increasing the use of it in fact and turning all the profits from it to the criminal element...cigarettes are horrible as well.but you see no prohibition on their use,only yet another government exploit for money based on habits...I have used marijuana since I was 13 years old and if it made me retarded or sick then I would consider it useless...most of the pharmaceuticals appear to have a different effect on autistic chemistry than the neurotypical world...my studies have shown that more times than not the autistic are overdosed as a result...Just my two cents

 

[goodgravy]

I hear you, and share many of your views..
Some of us need pharmaceutical medication to function
Mind taking this elsewhere? thanks

 

[Nitro]

I agree that some need pharma to stay alive...I also have a pretty good grip on the medical experience...I got a TBI and about 10 neuropsychologists missed my autism because they never asked the proper questions...Supposed traumatic brain injury experts tried to fit this square peg into their preferred round hole after my accident...I got better after I didn't care if I died as a result of not taking all of what was being prescribed as it made me ill and offered no hope...we tried several different approaches to pharma afterwards and all were failures...my point is that "experts" are often wrong when playing with their chemistry sets

 

[goodgravy]

*sigh* Yeah. The only expert on each of us is ourselves. Corruption sucks.. I'm very sorry for your TBI, I'm glad you found hope.