Can't say "I love you"

[Sass]

I have no trouble saying I love you to people I do love. In the past I could probably have been accused of saying it too freely, as for me love can last a long time (like it has with my husband, 13 years), or for only a moment in time before it loses its relevance. For me it is the acknowledgement and expression of an intensity of feeling that as native English speaker I don't have another, more adequate, word for.

 

[Zidiane]

I don't think love is a feeling. I think love is a commitment.

I don't think that's quite right. People change all the time, sometimes the change is in us (generally speaking), most of the times it's in the other person. To expect, firstly, your list of things to remain true after you've ceased caring about a person, forcing you to continue your commitment to them, and all around hurting yourself more than anything, feels wrong. And, secondly, we aren't obligated to anyone over anything. We may feel an emotion towards someone, and feel it about everything they are, but the only commitment or obligation we feel is imaginary, it's not a tangible tether but an imaginary restriction. Your only true commitment in life is to yourself and your offspring, I believe, everything else can and should be dropped when necessary.

Many of my emotions flat lined ten years ago.

I still say it to certain people because I know they need it, but it's awkward and difficult.

I thought my emotions flatlined until a few years ago. There are still many emotions that I can't within myself verify, but 2 years ago I had a situation bring out the absolute worst of all of the emotions I didn't believe I had at all. Afterwards, I returned mostly to normal, but I brought something with me from it. My (our?) emotions, while never felt, are still there. It's like if you couldn't feel anything in your arm; just because you can't feel pain doesn't mean you can't break a finger, or get cut, or burned.

I need to try and get used to saying it and not having it be awkward. Maybe I'll start up a routine with my mother where I force myself to say it often. I do this every time my mind turns to something I'm incapable of doing, I figure out why, and fix it. There aren't many things I have failed to fix, and those things I'm still working on, but hopefully I can hammer out this problem as well.

I feel like so many ppl use the word in vain anyway. It's almost like ppl just use it as a formality of an everyday routine.

This is true, it is a formality. It's like when they ask how you've been without truly expecting anything other than "good", or when they say "good morning" or "have a nice day". I don't know why it's become like this, but yes, it's a thing that people have made a ritual rather than a sentiment. Which is why I need to figure this out sooner rather than later. The more of these silly rituals I can crack the easier the world is to live in, for me.

Honestly, I have difficulty ascertaining precisely what love actually feels like, thus wonder if I have ever in fact been in love at all. I can imagine the emotion, such as when reading a poem or watching a film, but actually feeling the emotion in real life with another real person has eluded me.

I've fallen into that loop many times before. But, like I said above about likening our emotions to not feeling pain in your arm, I try to trust that I do feel certain things and that I just have yet to notice. I also heavily pick apart experiences, so I find traces of alterations in my behavior that imply different feelings I wasn't aware of at the time.

Anyway, don't trust films and poems. I've learned that those things (among other forms of story telling) heavily romanticize emotions and feelings, and they are usually an interpretation of a fantasy rather than how someone would act in person, or even how they want another person to act towards them.

To be honest...I have a hard time conceiving of true love between human beings.

Yet...no such trouble between a human and an animal.

I think the reason for this is because there are many, many levels of affection two people can feel for each other, but only really a couple that an animal and a human can feel, and they are all on the linear and obvious line of I will attack you < I don't trust you < I'm not sure about you yet < I'll hang around you < I like you < I trust you < I will protect you (dog exclusive?).

 

[DogwoodTree]

I don't think that's quite right. People change all the time, sometimes the change is in us (generally speaking), most of the times it's in the other person. To expect, firstly, your list of things to remain true after you've ceased caring about a person, forcing you to continue your commitment to them, and all around hurting yourself more than anything, feels wrong. And, secondly, we aren't obligated to anyone over anything. We may feel an emotion towards someone, and feel it about everything they are, but the only commitment or obligation we feel is imaginary, it's not a tangible tether but an imaginary restriction. Your only true commitment in life is to yourself and your offspring, I believe, everything else can and should be dropped when necessary.

Well...what you say is true if you see "commitment" as "all or none". I don't think that's what commitment is, at least, not in this context.

Yes, people change and situations changes. But my "commitment" is to:

• see (parts of) you the way you really are
• accept who you are
• treasure your freedom and refuse to try to control you
• do my part to contribute to your growth and do what is best for you from me (whether it feels good to you or not)

If, for example, someone close to you becomes abusive. My commitment doesn't say I have to stay with them. It says I will see them as they really are (harmful to me), accept that fact (i.e., not take responsibility for the problems caused in the rel'ship by THEIR bad choices), treasure their freedom (by taking responsibility for what *I* need to change in the rel'ship to protect myself), and do my part to contribute to their growth whether they like it or not (enact consequences to their behavior that require us to have less time together, perhaps even not see each other at all anymore if that's what it takes to live up to MY responsibilities in the rel'ship).

But my commitment to love them doesn't stop just because they make poor choices. It just gets activated in a different way. And then...if they take ownership of their issues and make the necessary changes, there's the possibility of connecting again later in a way that keeps me safe. Only rarely (relatively) does someone do something "bad" enough to sever rel'ship completely and forever. Like...one of my sisters is very codependent. She absolutely needs compliments to feel good about herself and make herself do the things she's supposed to do in life (we work together). Her demand that I be responsible for her emotional well-being, has resulted in my creating some space between us until she can take ownership of her own emotions, instead of holding me responsible to keep her emotions balanced (it's caused some really manipulative and destructive behavior patterns). I'm not jumping in and trying to make her change, but I also don't have to keep being the crutch that keeps her being codependent. I'm open to greater intimacy later if she does choose to change. I'm not doing this to "get back at her", or to be punitive or manipulative myself. I'm simply creating space I need for my own mental and emotional well-being, and professional well-being, too (because I don't want to risk my professional reputation on her wishy-washy work habits).

I'm loving her by refusing to be an enabler for her bad choices...emotional addictions...irresponsibility.

 

[Peace]

Love is: "When You Put Someone Else Before Yourself". It sounds as though it is not the word, but the meaning you attach to it. Love has more than one meaning. In Hebrew, it has three (I believe). Love as in "I love chicken, Love as in you Love your mom, and Love as in a passion or burning desire for someone.
The word love is just a tool we use to express a feeling. Do not become hung up on a word, life is too short and wonderful. It is fair and beneficial for certain relationships in your life to understand how you feel, like your mom.
Practice on the chicken and work up from there.

 

[Ereth]

I trust you < I will protect you (dog exclusive?).

Tell that to all the people whose lives have been saved by their cats or birds thanks to being alerted to fires or carbon monoxide leaks.

A story I heard recently involved a cat scaring off a dog attacking a four-year-old kid.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I thought my emotions flatlined until a few years ago. There are still many emotions that I can't within myself verify, but 2 years ago I had a situation bring out the absolute worst of all of the emotions I didn't believe I had at all. Afterwards, I returned mostly to normal, but I brought something with me from it. My (our?) emotions, while never felt, are still there. It's like if you couldn't feel anything in your arm; just because you can't feel pain doesn't mean you can't break a finger, or get cut, or burned.

I need to try and get used to saying it and not having it be awkward. Maybe I'll start up a routine with my mother where I force myself to say it often. I do this every time my mind turns to something I'm incapable of doing, I figure out why, and fix it. There aren't many things I have failed to fix, and those things I'm still working on, but hopefully I can hammer out this problem as well.

It's really annoying, isn't it? One week, you're perfectly fine, and the next, you've got this dead numbness. Most of mine have come back, but they're weak.

I like to tell my mom I love her before we hang up. Even though I know she knows I care, I just want her to hear it in case something bad happens. She has a semi-dangerous drive to work every morning. It's the most comfortable way for me to say it too.

 

[phoe]

I used to have trouble saying it because to me, "love" is like an itemised list, where you can't be sure you have all the "ingredients" - in the end, it's an educated guess whether all the boxes are ticked. I've been married for twenty years now, but I still remember how hard it was trying to work it through like a math problem.

 

[Kivvi_Kindi]

I used to have trouble saying it because to me, "love" is like an itemised list, where you can't be sure you have all the "ingredients" - in the end, it's an educated guess whether all the boxes are ticked. I've been married for twenty years now, but I still remember how hard it was trying to work it through like a math problem.

This.^
It's hard for me to say because I'm not entirely sure what I'm saying. "Love" has become such a broad term that it means something different to everyone, and that lack of precision makes me wary of using it. I remember a phrase in the Peabody and Sherman movie that came out in the spring (adorable movie by the way) spoken by Peabody: "I have a deep regard for you." I kinda like that better, hehe.

 

[icesyckel]

When I love someone, I have no problems with saying it. They're just words that communicate the love, and there is no real "magic" to the words themselves. Heck, most of us would say we love pancakes or pizza.

Now, I would have trouble telling someone I love him/her if I don't actually love him/her. On the other hand, why would I use those words with someone I didn't love?

 

[Nadador]

I used to have trouble saying it because to me, "love" is like an itemised list, where you can't be sure you have all the "ingredients" - in the end, it's an educated guess whether all the boxes are ticked. I've been married for twenty years now, but I still remember how hard it was trying to work it through like a math problem.

My poor NT partner has been dealing with my struggles using the word. He says he loves me quite often, and it does make me feel good because I know it is a very significant expression of caring and means he wants to stay with me. I upset him once during a conversation in which I was explaining my AS and how it works in me. I told him I'm not sure if what I feel is "love" or not, for the reasons you stated, and also because I'm not sure what it should feel like. Descriptions of love in the arts always seem too exaggerated for me to relate to, so they are no help. I wouldn't want to say "I love you" if I wasn't certain I was feeling it properly. I know I care about my partner greatly and want to be close with him. I want to work hard to please him and bridge the gaps between us. The thought of ever losing him is disturbing. If that's love, then I feel love. If it's not, I think it's a good equivalent and doesn't need a name.

My parents were expressive despite being very traditionally English, and told me they loved me regularly. I never told my father I loved him in return, and he died suddenly while I was travelling. That I never said "I love you" to him was an especially painful aspect of my grief. When I got home, I told my mother I loved her for the first time. That feeling I was sure of. Romantic love is much harder for me to feel comfortable stating in those terms. I don't understand saying "I love you" to friends at all, and it makes me a little nervous if one of them says it to me. "I care about you" and/or "I enjoy being around you" are as strong as I can go with friends, and I think those things should be self-evident if we've maintained a connection for any length of time. For me, actions speak louder than words anyway.

 

[paloftoon]

If you don't know how to use the word "love", it should be used once at least once in awhile with supportive family members (generally within the nuclear family), other close family members, and people you know you've formed a permanent friendship bond with and that you know would not take what you said the wrong way (or that you could ask about beforehand of how to use that word properly, etc.)

If you've never felt love for someone else, I feel very sad for you.

If you need a schedule of when to show your appreciation b/c it's not natural for you, let' say for supportive family you're in touch with, once every 2 weeks, super tight friend say something quarterly.

 

[Harrison]

I've never had a problem saying 'I love you', just a problem with hearing it.