Challenging weekend coming

[DogwoodTree]

What a miserable human being. At least you don't need to hang out with them too often.

Yes, and so is everyone around him, unless they're one of his protected favorites. I'm kind of concerned how my kids will fair in this relationship if any of them ever gets out of that protected bubble with him.

Still...although I can't stand the guy...my biggest concern is how to get along with everyone else. I really don't care if he doesn't like me. But I do care about how everyone else perceives me. And maybe I shouldn't care about what they think, either. It just makes for a very unpleasant week (and the weeks following) if everyone gets mad at me.

 

[DogwoodTree]

After all, I get the impression that the tension between the two of you is no secret to much of anyone else.

If this is a constant pattern of behavior, withdrawal may be your only real course of action. Unless of course you're willing to pay a continuing "cost" which may be accruing with each visit. Not a simple choice to make...but if he's negatively impacting your life at a critical point, you need to look out for you first.

No, it's no secret. There used to be several of us that saw him for what he is. I have no idea what's happened the past couple of years, but things have really shifted in my family. My mom has now kowtowed to him, another sister is enjoying a more positive persona with everyone after being out of touch for several years (she lived several states away for school, then caused a big drama when she moved in with her boyfriend because my mom had a major meltdown for months over it, then married him and now they're Mom's "favorites").

This sister is the one I enjoy most...she and I have made efforts to not let our rel'ship be damaged by the gossiping and everything that goes on. But the favor she's getting from Mom right now (which I'm glad for, it's good for her), and the tension between Mom and me...has her being more tolerant and protective of our BIL, too.

If it was just me, I'd never see him again. But my kids and his kids, who are all homeschooled, feel very close to each other. That limits my options.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Okay, another revelation to keep in mind...

I'm done with trying to be who everyone else wants me to be. I can't read their minds, and I can't live up to their standards for me because that's not who I am. So, they can respond to my decision however they like. They can continue to criticize me for being me instead of their image of me, they can get mad about it and keep being offended at who I am, or they can join me in this process of self-discovery, recognizing and valuing who I really am.

My responsibility is to be me. They have the freedom to choose how to respond to that. Their choice will help me determine how much time I want to spend with them.

Really, this is what I've been getting at for a while, even if I haven't put it into words. It's just really hard to carry out!!

It's hard being yourself around people when everything you do or say hurts someone's feelings, especially when that's not your intent.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Ugh, I've read through the thread and it makes my head spin...

My approach is generally not hailed as the best approach (especially by those it was meant to discipline), but this is what I do: Dismiss myself on the grounds of everybody else being too whiny, and go hang with the kids. If the adults can't accept me for me (or each other, for that matter) and just have fun, and are always making me the bad guy, or that poor pitiful little baby that can't take care of herself, or find me as something to constantly nag, then I exercise the only control I really have and that is my presence. Even if I get stuck somewhere, being physically present doesn't mean I have to be present and I'll stare at the wall and let my mind wander. If they want me around, they'll learn to behave themselves. Strangely, it really offends people who know they're out-of-line, especially those that act like they'll whither away and die if they don't have everybody's undivided attention. Not that most of them ever learn to behave when I ignore them like that, but I at least get to enjoy the trip by romping with the kids instead of listening to all the complaining!

Best of luck to you over the weekend. We'll all be here to let you rant, rave, and give you virtual cookies when it's over. =)

 

[DogwoodTree]

Strangely, it really offends people who know they're out-of-line, especially those that act like they'll whither away and die if they don't have everybody's undivided attention.

Funny how these are the ones who get the most offended by people making their own choices, right?


Yesterday, my youngest sister started planning a big birthday party celebration for herself (her birthday is in a couple of weeks...she's in her mid-30's). She asked everyone to come, even out-of-towners if they can make it.

Today she texted me to see what time would work for us on that date, then she promptly texted again asking if a particular time would work. I don't have a problem with her picking a time (it's her party she's throwing herself, right?), and I appreciate her checking with me on the time. But she picked a time that overlaps our little guy's nap time. And that has been his nap time for about 2 years now. In fact, unless we have a very young baby in the house, this is the typical nap time for our kids for more than a decade now.

So I texted back that nap time starts just over an hour after the time she picked...no defensiveness, no emotional reaction, just stating the facts. I'm really okay if she plans it during that time, but we won't all be there. At least one of us will be home for the toddler to get his nap.

She texted back, "It's okay... Y'all do your thing and I'll do mine."

So then I offered an earlier time that would work for us, if she wanted to.

She then said that she decided she just wasn't gonna do it.

Ok...

Then she texted again about 10 min later that she had rescheduled it for earlier in the day at the time I had suggested.

I can just imagine her whining and crying to Mom that I didn't get all gushy about her party...that she's throwing for herself (did I mention that part?)...and that we didn't set aside the entire day to celebrate her.

Is anyone else's family this bizarre? ...this passive-aggressive? ...this manipulative?

I know the comments themselves don't sound all that bad. But knowing how reactive she is emotionally...how dependent she is on everyone else building up her self esteem so she can feel good about herself...and how much she demands attention and creates drama if she doesn't get it...even just this simple text conversation can get me in a ton of trouble with my mom because she'll defend my sister's neediness and jump to the conclusion that I'm being cruel and mean for not coddling my sister.

It's exhausting.

 

[AsheSkyler]

My immediate family of parents and siblings? No. One step out of that, I do have a few relatives that are... touchy. I'm not sure what mood your sister was in when she said you both were to do separate things, but I could hear it quite plainly in one of mine's condescending snarkiness when she gets into one of her clingy moods. "Passive-aggressive" and "manipulative" hit it pretty on the head I'd say. I honestly can't say if this is a typical Aspie vs. Allistic emotional awareness problem, or a common problem between realistic people and attention queens, but I definitely know the situation. I just haven't found a way out of it that doesn't involve them getting distracted by something or someone else.

Funny how these are the ones who get the most offended by people making their own choices, right?

Oh yeah! And then there is this one very special strain of people who will spend days or months going on about how you should be independent, make your own decisions, giving you all this creepy praise, and then the moment you do anything that they don't suggest, no matter how ridiculous such as wearing a different color shirt, they suddenly turn very rude and insulting, and then say the direct opposite of all the praise they gave you in the past because your independence contradicted their wishes. I've had one too many to deal with and I'm really suspicious of praise now.

 

[May Black]

Do the same thing. Of course you wanted to celebrate your sister's birthday, but you didn't want it to get ruined by your toddler being too tired and crying and disturbing the other guests, which is why you suggested an earlier time. If you can, smile while you tell her that, or just add a smiley if it's a text.

 

[Peace]

Decide that you want to have a good weekend. Now remember that you are not responsible for anyone but yourself. Stay positive and polite. If brother in law, or someone else addresses you with something less than respectful comments, either say something like: I think it is unfortunate when people are disrespectful of others, or just simply ignore them (Mom included) as it was not brought on by you and "You Don't Own It"!
Do not leave your space and do not let others in that may bring negativity.
Remember that you do not cause others to do, say or feel anything. Some people feel sympathy when they see someone fall, others laugh. We all have our own perception and life experiences that determine how we feel and see the world.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Of course you wanted to celebrate your sister's birthday, but you didn't want it to get ruined by your toddler being too tired and crying and disturbing the other guests, which is why you suggested an earlier time.

You know, it occurred to me...this isn't just a "scheduling conflict" between my household and hers, or even a mismatch in the value of a birthday celebration (she and one other sister are the only adults in our family who have any real desire to celebrate their own birthdays).

This is a priority issue. Do we choose to fulfill the emotional *want* of an adult who is not part of our household, or do we fulfill the legitimate, physical *need* of our very young child? Well, duh.

It really annoys me that she would be offended by such a thing.

If you can, smile while you tell her that, or just add a smiley if it's a text.

That's a good idea if my goal is to smooth over her emotions for her. I can't tell you how tired I am of doing that for her.

Honestly, I'm to a point where I'm just ready to let people be offended for a while until they can take ownership of their choices over what offends them and how sensitive they will be to different values between people.

 

[DogwoodTree]

I could hear it quite plainly in one of mine's condescending snarkiness when she gets into one of her clingy moods. "Passive-aggressive" and "manipulative" hit it pretty on the head I'd say. I honestly can't say if this is a typical Aspie vs. Allistic emotional awareness problem, or a common problem between realistic people and attention queens, but I definitely know the situation. I just haven't found a way out of it that doesn't involve them getting distracted by something or someone else.

Yes, exactly. It's like she's a toddler who has to be distracted from her emotions instead of handling them herself.

Oh yeah! And then there is this one very special strain of people who will spend days or months going on about how you should be independent, make your own decisions, giving you all this creepy praise, and then the moment you do anything that they don't suggest, no matter how ridiculous such as wearing a different color shirt, they suddenly turn very rude and insulting, and then say the direct opposite of all the praise they gave you in the past because your independence contradicted their wishes. I've had one too many to deal with and I'm really suspicious of praise now.

Oh my goodness, yes!! This exactly describes my experience the past two years in working for my mom!! It's really only a good idea if it's hers. But she gives all these compliments to try to make me feel good about her, not because the compliments are accurate. If I do something well, she finds all the problems with it. If I do something poorly, she finds ways to compliment me...I think in an effort to essentially say, "See? You're a screw-up. But at least you have your mom to make you feel better."

I'm so glad someone else understands why I just don't put much stock in anyone's praise or compliments!

 

[DogwoodTree]

...it was not brought on by you and "You Don't Own It"!
Do not leave your space and do not let others in that may bring negativity.
Remember that you do not cause others to do, say or feel anything.

(Lord, please me remember this.)

If I come on this weekend spazzing out from some altercation or another, y'all quote this post for me, okay?

 

[AsheSkyler]

Oh my goodness, yes!! This exactly describes my experience the past two years in working for my mom!! It's really only a good idea if it's hers. But she gives all these compliments to try to make me feel good about her, not because the compliments are accurate. If I do something well, she finds all the problems with it. If I do something poorly, she finds ways to compliment me...I think in an effort to essentially say, "See? You're a screw-up. But at least you have your mom to make you feel better."

I'm so glad someone else understands why I just don't put much stock in anyone's praise or compliments!

I'm also very glad somebody else understands that! That's all I grew up around! These weirdos would make these long speeches about how I was such a good kid for obeying my parents, but as soon as I wouldn't disobey my parents and do what they wanted, I was this horrible child that should be punished and they'd go whining to my parents. Who often just stared blankly or glared at them for being so whiny, heeheehee. Hrm, my grandmother often pulled the same stunts as your mom. If I just crawled out of bed, she'd tell me I was pretty. If I just fixed up to go out, she'd go on about what all I did wrong (usually not wearing revealing enough clothes, even though she always griped about the immodesty of other women).

 

[DogwoodTree]

...and they'd go whining to my parents. Who often just stared blankly or glared at them for being so whiny, heeheehee.

Wow, I can't even imagine what it would feel like to be protected like that. My family is big-big-big on people-pleasing. If someone isn't happy with me, it's my fault. If someone is annoyed about something I do or say or am, it's my responsibility to fix it. I'm supposed to get along with everyone by being who they want me to be.

This is so deeply ingrained in me, that my eyes actually skimmed quickly over this part of your post because something in me said, "how dare those parents stand up for their kid against an adult! the kid should be made to conform!! those parents are such mean people, and I bet it hurt the other person's feelings!"

Then I realized I had done that, and went back and made myself read it and consider how something like that could happen and be healthy and was so good for you, the child...then started wondering if I could do the same for my kids.

Having a revelation experience...please hold while my brain is being reprogrammed, lol.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Wow, I can't even imagine what it would feel like to be protected like that. My family is big-big-big on people-pleasing. If someone isn't happy with me, it's my fault. If someone is annoyed about something I do or say or am, it's my responsibility to fix it. I'm supposed to get along with everyone by being who they want me to be.

This is so deeply ingrained in me, that my eyes actually skimmed quickly over this part of your post because something in me said, "how dare those parents stand up for their kid against an adult! the kid should be made to conform!! those parents are such mean people, and I bet it hurt the other person's feelings!"

Then I realized I had done that, and went back and made myself read it and consider how something like that could happen and be healthy and was so good for you, the child...then started wondering if I could do the same for my kids.

Having a revelation experience...please hold while my brain is being reprogrammed, lol.

Aye, my parents were hard to live with but at least they were territorial. One of my other relatives is the chronic people-pleaser that is notorious for putting EVERYBODY before family. Sister's gonna have a baby? They take off to Florida on her due date to take somebody they barely know to the doctor. Make plans for an afternoon? They're gone somewhere or they're with a client. And if somebody doesn't like you, it's likely your fault. I've even been lectured for snapping at a guy that wanted me to cheat on my husband. I think that's why my mom is so aggressive now. If you turn into my mom, I should think your kids would appreciate it if grandma has a habit of putting them last. I know I did.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Weekend complete...even met my deadline for work...though I didn't make any progress towards the next one like I had intended to. Oh well!

Turns out DH had planned an outing for me and the girls on Friday evening before we knew anything about my sister and her crew coming to town. So that got me out of the Friday evening get-together.

Saturday we all went to Home Depot so the kids could do the workshop, and it timed out well because Home Depot was doing some kind of emergency services educational event...they had fire trucks and ambulances and a SWAT truck and lots more. So that took an hour, lol.

Then we split for lunch. When we got back together, we all went hiking which, because we had the little kids with us, too, it took twice as long as it should have. And since I was the only one who knew the trails at that park, I led the group...waaaay up ahead of all the other adults, just me and a few of the kids.

By then I "HAD" to get my little guy home for a late nap, which was a nice excuse to avoid the Saturday evening get-together. DH took the big kids, but little man and I stayed home and relaxed. Turns out, my dad and his wife were invited, but my sister who invited them didn't bother to tell me ahead of time (even though she knows a little about my history with him). So I was especially glad to avoid that rendezvous. And today my oldest DD and I managed to spend the whole morning and early afternoon involved in church stuff then eating out just the two of us, so I didn't have to meet up with anyone for lunch, either.

So...I played the avoidance card, I guess. But I'm not stressed or mood-swinging coming out of the weekend, I met my deadline, and the time I did have with them wasn't too bad. My BIL caught up with me at one point in the hike and wanted to talk about smartphones since he's shopping for a new one, but that was the only conversation I had with him. Everyone else was so preoccupied with the kids, we managed to avoid any drama (that I know of...sometimes they surprise me later with something that offended someone and it cooks for weeks before it gets out in the open, lol).

 

[Sass]

Glad your weekend was a pleasant one

 

[May Black]

I'm glad the weekend worked out so well for you.

 

[Peace]

Sometimes, the best way to deal with people (especially family) is to limit your time together.

 

[AsheSkyler]

The Home Depot workshop sounds like it would have been a lot of fun for anybody! I'm glad you were able to have as stress-free as possible of a weekend. Kids really are a wonderful diversion.