change

[karl]

Should people with aspergers
Be expected to change there ways,
Can they change there ways
In a way to be more Nt rather than As

 

[Kari Suttle]

I think the answer varies, and is complex. I think that to a point, yes, people with AS should be expected to acknowledge and try to improve areas they are weak in, but at the same time I think that neurotypicals close to those with AS are responsible themselves to understand that some things can't be changed, although yes over time some AS-related things can improve (by learning to better cope with it or get around it). Like with me and my inability to block out most sound - I've learned to better cope with it at work, for example, but that doesn't mean it doesn't affect me at all. Like right now, the two year old that i babysit has a toy train that's motorized and its currently driving me nuts and i can't focus....i'm about to kindly as him to turn it off, actually. He isn't playing with them anymore but he left them on.

 

[King_Oni]

I don't think there's a short answer to that.

What's important to think about when you're looking at change or if people expect you to change is that you (as well as them) also look at the bigger picture and have realistic expectations and perspectives on what a change will result in and that it will actually benefit you with a decent certainty.

From personal experience; A therapist recently talked about my life/lifestyle and how it might need to change when considering employment. Yet, when I bring up the notion that I'm a nightowl and only get things done at night, can't deal with routine, my interests and preferences are pretty narrow/specific and how I just fail to blend in and get along with people in general, partially because of who I am, she told me that she wasn't really sure that changing me to, for instance learn to live a more normal, regular 24 hour cycle, would help me a lot. It would most likely just be enforcing change on me, for the heck of change, and so the clinic could just say "well, we at least did something" but it wouldn't actually help the situation forward properly, especially not since I'm not seeing them because of my lifestyle and wanting to have it fixed, so they'd be enforcing a fix on me, something I should change, which I'm not even asking for. The bigger picture however; I can see how it might help out, but the bigger picture also includes years upon years of more therapy (social skills training, but perhaps also learning to have more accepted interests) and a load of resources poured in (education/schooling for example) of which they, just like me, know, is hardly realistic to expect at this point and change would have a small succesrate.

 

[On the Inside]

The bigger picture however; I can see how it might help out, but the bigger picture also includes years upon years of more therapy (social skills training, but perhaps also learning to have more accepted interests) and a load of resources poured in (education/schooling for example) of which they, just like me, know, is hardly realistic to expect at this point and change would have a small succesrate.

You're right King, there is no short answer, because it's a long process.

That is the essence of the issue, and one that is touched upon in many of the threads here: Do you want to change, why do you want to change, and how? Is there a time frame? What are the resources you have to help you? Can you be realistic in your hopes?

All of those things have to take into account the resources available to you, time, money, effort, help from others, recognition and acceptance of your limits.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I believe it depends on what the change is and if the Aspie can actually change (as you all know there are some things that Aspies just aren't able to change). It also depends on if the Aspie WANTS to make the change or are they being forced to be something that they aren't. The question that Karl brings up is kind of broad. As I have said before, both NT and Aspie in a relationship will need to "change" (I prefer the word "modify") some things such as learning specific traits the other has and being able to accept those traits or find a way to work around them that is beneficial to both individuals.

I presume this has to do with your fiancé or gf, Karl. What is it about yourself that you (or she) think(s) needs to be changed?

 

[Judge]

Some can change-in part. Some want to change. Others can't. Others won't. It's all a matter of where one may be on the spectrum of autism.

I'd think for anyone to insist that one change (whatever that may entail) simply to conform to a majority is likely both an unreasonable and impractical request under such complex circumstances.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I believe it depends on what the change is and if the Aspie can actually change (as you all know there are some things that Aspies just aren't able to change). It also depends on if the Aspie WANTS to make the change or are they being forced to be something that they aren't. The question that Karl brings up is kind of broad. As I have said before, both NT and Aspie in a relationship will need to "change" (I prefer the word "modify") some things such as learning specific traits the other has and being able to accept those traits or find a way to work around them that is beneficial to both individuals.

I presume this has to do with your fiancé or gf, Karl. What is it about yourself that you (or she) think(s) needs to be changed?

I need to add something. It upsets me for you to think that you need to be the one changing. You said that you two have been together for 4 or 5 yrs - that's a long time. Why is it that she has a problem with you now? You even went to the trouble of being diagnosed and she still won't accept it. I don't understand people. It sounds to me that she is using your Aspieness and playing mind games with you which I think is a load of crap (especially since you two have a child together). She doesn't even want to try to learn anything about Aspergers and is making you feel guilty for the relationship going South. Would she be acting the same if you had an actual physical illness and was not able to change some things about it? I just want all Aspies to know that all NT's ARE NOT like that and I think that you would be better off without her in your life, Karl, if she is going to keep acting the way that she is and putting the blame on you for all the problems happening in the relationship. She has to do her part as well, otherwise, you're just going to be miserable.

 

[Ezra]

idk about trying to be more NT, but I have always tried to be less autistic. Meaning learning to work my way around my impairments. They said I would always be severely autistic, which I'm not anymore (went from level 3 to level 2) and I can do things they said I would never be able to do. I'm told the 20,000+ posts I've made on forums has opened me up more in real life. Some of that could just be part of growing up though.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

idk about trying to be more NT, but I have always tried to be less autistic. Meaning learning to work my way around my impairments. They said I would always be severely autistic, which I'm not anymore (went from level 3 to level 2) and I can do things they said I would never be able to do.

Those changes to me sound like they were something that you wanted to do, is that right? Or did you feel pressured from others to make those changes?

 

[Ezra]

Those changes to me sound like they were something that you wanted to do, is that right? Or did you feel pressured from others to make those changes?

Yes, it was what I wanted. The doctors and such used to talk about me to my parents with me in the room like I wasn't there. They would say, "he will never....." and I would think "oh yeah? watch me!". My family has never pressured me, but have always been diligent in encouraging me to excel.

 

[karl]

Well my ex expects.me to.just change.the.way I think.and process information.not think so literal ect
And.I'm.struggling tbh she expects.me.not to be so involved in my hobbie ect and.I.should.be.upset or stressed if a routine just changes ect it's stressing.me.out

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Well my ex expects.me to.just change.the.way I think.and process information.not think so literal ect
And.I'm.struggling tbh she expects.me.not to be so involved in my hobbie ect and.I.should.be.upset or stressed if a routine just changes ect it's stressing.me.out

What's your hobby?

I get very stressed with certain changes that happen and throw my routine out of whack. What happens to stress you out?

My Aspie friend thinks literal (he has said so and I have noticed it a few times). If I was actually around him, I would have to change some things I said, but I don't believe it would upset me - especially since I know he is an Aspie. See that's her problem, she doesn't want to get to know the traits of Aspies and try to work on things with you. She just wants to try to change you and not have to change anything about herself. That's bullcrap.

 

[karl]

Ethical hacking and computer science (programming net work security ect)

 

[karl]

What's your hobbie?

I get very stressed with certain changes that happen and throw my routine out of whack. What happens to stress you out?

My Aspie friend thinks literal (he has said so and I have noticed it a few times). If I was actually around him, I would have to change some things I said, but I don't believe it would upset me - especially since I know he is an Aspie. See that's her problem, she doesn't want to get to know the traits of Aspies and try to work on things with you. She just wants to try to change you and not have to change anything about herself. That's bullcrap.

Well being bull crap she even told.me that if she knew I had aspergers before I went out with her she wouldnt of started a relationship with me bearing.in.mind we where engaged with a daughter and.a house ect which hurt alot tbh
And stress out normally because she says I shouldnt spend.so.much time on my hobbie and I can't seem to explain why I am the way I.am I.just don't feel it's.fair on me loosing.everything going.through diagnosis ect and being.expected to just become an nt over night

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Well being bull crap she even told.me that if she knew I had aspergers before I went out with her she wouldnt of started a relationship with me bearing.in.mind we where engaged with a daughter and.a house ect which hurt alot tbh
And stress out normally because she says I shouldnt spend.so.much time on my hobbie and I can't seem to explain why I am the way I.am I.just don't feel it's.fair on me loosing.everything going.through diagnosis ect and being.expected to just become an nt over night

You're never going to become an NT, just like I could never become an Aspie and think the way you guys do. You either accept me or not. I've changed (or modified) a few things about myself such as not using sarcasm and trying to say things more literally (which doesn't usually work for me - as you'll see from reading some of my posts), but the Aspies here still like me (I think anyway). That's the same with your fiancé, either she accepts you or she doesn't. Right now it doesn't look like she wants to accept you the way you are, but I don't believe it's your fault - she accepted you before and stayed with you for 4-5 yrs. Again, I think she is just trying to find a way to get out of the relationship and she's putting the fault on you. Some people are really a piece of work. Unfortunately, you will have to deal with her the rest of your life since you have a daughter together.

 

[Judge]

Again, I think she is just trying to find a way to get out of the relationship and she's putting the fault on you. Some people are really a piece of work. Unfortunately, you will have to deal with her the rest of your life since you have a daughter together.

Sadly Karl, I have to concur with Grumpy Cat. I don't think she's giving you an ultimatum intended for you to satisfy.

 

[karl]

Yeah thanks guys you all always massive helps especially Grumpy Cat I alway see to moan to her lol thanks

 

[Spiller]

Like right now, the two year old that i babysit has a toy train that's motorized and its currently driving me nuts and i can't focus....i'm about to kindly as him to turn it off, actually. He isn't playing with them anymore but he left them on.

When my kids got noisy toys the batteries would mysteriously go flat within a few days (Tip: keep some old flat batteries handy!)

I've spent 30 years studying peoples body language in the attempt to fit in, to have friends and relationships, to not be so isolated all the time.. ya know what? It didn't work!
I recently discovered, by approaching mental health and AS/ASD charities that I actually do fit in with a very large, but hidden/ignored group of Atypical people.
I maintain the mimicking skills I've learned, simply because they took so long to develop and I don't like being stared at, but I'd say now, don't try to fit in with 'The Norm', find the 'Not Norm'!

 

[Suzanne]

Mmm a big question and all depending on the situation or environment.

I have lived most of my life believing I was an nt and married to one.

Being an aspie is not like having autism, where they really cannot change; just like someone who has a physical and mental handicap; aspergers is different as in, one can adapt to a certain extent, but not completely.

I think we have more self awareness, that those with autism; note I say: more awareness? For there are aspies have more aspergers than another aspie.

Unless when I am very zealous or happy, I become aware of how loud I can be, then that actually would take away the joy because I have learned that my loudness is an expression of how happy I am or even angry, but when told to lower my voice by my husband, I can push myself to lower it, but wow it is hard to achieve and sometimes he has to say it several times, before I can adapt.

I am trying to not interrupt so much but that is still a work on, because I do it without evening realizing it sometimes or because I honestly do not see the point of the person going on about something I already know! Or telling me how I should be, when I know I am not doing any harm.

We are renovating or more to the point, my husband is, and I struggle with not getting overwhelmed but am coping.

So really, in a relationship with someone who is an nt, well both should try and adapt certain things or since the nt seems to be how the general public are, they really, it is like running faster than someone close to you, where you should slow down, for their benefit and thus, nt should try to do more of the adapting, since it is not the aspie's fault they behave in such ways!

I mean: someone who marries someone who is autistic, would never dream of changing them, because it is unrealistic to expect it.

However, really, if one finds out the other's issues and still wants a relationship, then really, they cannot fully expect the apie to be normal in the sense of an nt, as an aspie cannot expect an nt to be an aspie lol

I am married to a man, who would never let me get away with using my aspie as an excuse to get out of things!

 

[NewOldAspie]

I never married, now older, lack inititive to change. I regret that. Mostly because no family to fall back on, that offers support for the old days.

I think western culture lives lots of fantasy, and some expect the grass to be greener on other side. No matter how difficult the present time may be, be thankful you have a daughter.