Chronic depression.

[SusanLR]

It is awful to wake up everyday to the thought of Oh, no, another day.
There is no desire to get out of bed or want to do anything. It's like nothing has any meaning.
No motivation. And mornings are the worst.
It's a big effort to make myself get out of bed to at least eat breakfast after which I go back and sleep some more.
Evenings and the night are a little better as it seems a quiet ending of the day is here.
It is chronic and on going for years now. I would call it reactive rather than endogenous
since changes in my life that I didn't want happened and don't see an out.
Physical health has made doing activities almost impossible. Anything like walking or playing tennis
that I loved is now impossible.
The feeling of just wanting someone to talk with that I know cares.
That is the problem, no one who really cares.
Tell it to a friend and they turn away as it brings them down.
The person I live with is so hateful and just when I start to feel a bit comfortable around him
he will suddenly yell and scold me over something silly. Then I'm back down worse for days.
I never know when I'll say something he'll turn into an argument and seems to take pleasure
in knowing his blasts hurt me.

I've tried every type of anitdepressant and none helped.
That was when I was having anxiety and panic attacks with agoraphobia.
I kept telling them it wasn't depression then that was bothering me, it was the sudden panic attacks and
anxiety. Still I was told it was depression that was doing it.
That was about 25 years ago.
But now I do feel everyday suffocating chronic depression for at least the past 6 years.
I meditate, listen to music and get therapy from a psychologist.
She is really the only one I can open up to without fear of being abandoned.

there is a
supplement (available at any vitamin store) called 5hpt, which is pre-cursor to serotonin.
It provides what the body needs to naturally produce more serotonin. SSRI are Serotonin selective re-uptake inhibitors, which means they block serotonin from another pathway to build an increased level at specific serotonin receptor sub-types in discrete regions of the body where the relevant physiologic processes are regulated. This means that while serotonin is increased at one level, this is achieved by interrupting the natural function of the serotonin pathway and depriving it in another region of the brain

Is this possibly 5 HTP instead of 5hpt?
5 HTP is 5-hydroxytriptophan which is a supplement that is a precursor to seratonin.
I would be interested, but, want to make certain I have the name correct.

So, yes, my depression has been chronic for the past six years.
If you would like to ask questions or discuss more in depth feel free to PM me also.

 

[KennyIOM]

Hi, erm, this is a biggy. Is there anyone there that would like to discuss chronic depression with me? I’ve had it for 7+ years and it just hurts so very very badly. The pain is just unbearable at times and I wondered if anyone could relate. It is a chemical imbalance that no one has been able to help me with and yes, I do have other issues that contribute but it seems as though it will always be there regardless of how much headway I make with the other issues. I know it’s off topic but I’d love to connect with someone else who feels this horrendous pain and can’t get away from it. It really is torture and it takes every ounce of my strength and any joy or peace or happiness away from my daily life. Please only answer if you’ve been there. I can’t bear to hear ‘you’ll get through it’ and such like. I’m in way too deep and too long for being fobbed off. I’m sorry if that sounds rude. I just need people who can truly relate over long sustained periods because this is chronic and chemical and not just a bad patch or low mood. This is agony. Again, I’m sorry, if that sounds rude.

Hello. I understand. I am currently an inpatient of my local mental health ward due to chronic clinical depression which has proven to be treatment resistant so far. I have struggled with the disorder for most of my life, being 35 at the moment. Please feel free to message me.

 

[Prince Aspien]

Hi,
When I heard descriptions of depression around 20 years ago I realised they were talking about my entire childhood. I'm currently on amitryptiline (an old tricylic with terrible side effects so I don't recommend it).

I had a new bout this month but what is interesting for me (and I hope this is helpful to you) is intellectually I am now able to monitor myself and I can have physiological depression (eg. I was barely able to move my limbs) without the "I'm a terrible person" narrative. Unfortunately, I do still collapse into the "terrible future" narrative. But this is because the future did look terrible for a time!

Having studied this at a PhD level I now see why those with autism would have a vulnerability to depression. One aspect, low serotonin and tryptophan involving our feeling of safety/security, is a constant problem for the anxiety that seems to come along with autism. The other, low catecholamines, which appears to occur whenever we feel we are "banging our head against the wall", would be one of the autistic gifts/curses, the ability to have obsession and burnout cycles.

Recently I'd suffered environmental triggers for making me feel "massively unsafe" and that I was "banging my head against a wall" (not literally). The solution would be to remedy whatever it is that heightens both these feelings. I've seen this advice elsewhere for autism but some form of "mindfulness" training and/or meditation can smooth the sharp corners of the worst autism vulnerabilities. For instance, when insecure/anxious, when I can see depression coming in advance because of life pressures, it is important for me to "not" fall into object obsession or obsession and burnout as a solution. The mindfulness ethos is about not "chasing" a solution but "letting go" and enjoying the present. You should believe me that anxiety as a precursor to depression is all about projecting into the future and "catastrophising" possible scenarios. The binary logic of autistic thought which might push us into feeling a "good/bad person" can also be helped by some "non religious" spiritual ideas of not needing labels from other people for our self worth. The fundamental message to yourself has to be "it's ok", "I'm ok", and most importantly there is nothing I need to do "now" to change myself for society. It is ok to be different.

As for depression the phenomenon, I know it is not just a random experience in the brain un-related to experience. I don't think it is a groundless promise that for those autistic sufferers of depression pursuing mindfulness/meditation will help with the psychological risk factors for depression.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

I have depression too the one that really works for me is a mood stabiliser called lamotrigine. Lamotrigine is an anti epileptic and it works wonders for me, I get no side effects from it at 100 mg and rarely dip into depression now.

I'm not suggesting you should try lamotrigine because I've had a good experience of it but if you're fed up of trying antidepressants then why not give mood stabilisers a go.

One thing I must note though about depression is that it is not a chemical imbalance. SSRI allow the serotonin in the nerve endings to hang around more but there's no scientific papers out there which say that depression is a chemical imbalance to my knowledge.

 

[Bolletje]

What medication have you been given? It shouldn't go on for years and years if you've seen a professional and explained your mindset

You should know that not all depression can be fixed with medication and therapy. There is such a thing as chronic, therapy-resistant depression. Which can go on for years, or, you know, forever.

 

[Bolletje]

I feel for you, OP. I don't have chronic depression, but I've had recurring depressions since my early teenage years. I'm currently in the deep end again as well. I don't like waking up in the morning because it just means I have another day ahead of me. I'm not gonna telll you it gets better, because that doesn't help you. Just saying I understand.

 

[jaxster]

I believe that if you have Asperger's etc and are male then anti depressants may make you feel more anxious ,angry or just unwell and other mood stabilisers are needed.
for women anti depressants are better.
I believe CBT can work but its like most things, its about believing in it.
it is true that distraction can work...if we are busy then we cant think the negative thoughts but at some stage we have to be alone and rest and then it will flood back ( usually when trying to sleep at night )
This is great because talking things through can sometimes help us to come up with better ideas, new solutions. I think the main thing to remember is you are not alone and you can be helped.

 

[Highway Cowboy]

Hi, erm, this is a biggy. Is there anyone there that would like to discuss chronic depression with me? I’ve had it for 7+ years and it just hurts so very very badly. The pain is just unbearable at times and I wondered if anyone could relate. It is a chemical imbalance that no one has been able to help me with and yes, I do have other issues that contribute but it seems as though it will always be there regardless of how much headway I make with the other issues. I know it’s off topic but I’d love to connect with someone else who feels this horrendous pain and can’t get away from it. It really is torture and it takes every ounce of my strength and any joy or peace or happiness away from my daily life. Please only answer if you’ve been there. I can’t bear to hear ‘you’ll get through it’ and such like. I’m in way too deep and too long for being fobbed off. I’m sorry if that sounds rude. I just need people who can truly relate over long sustained periods because this is chronic and chemical and not just a bad patch or low mood. This is agony. Again, I’m sorry, if that sounds rude.

Hi Tanyax, I'm really sorry to hear that you are feeling this way and hope you are coping.
I can absolutely understand how you feel, like wandering aimlessly shrouded by a thick haze of fog that won't clear. Dreading the slightest task you have to undertake even if it's something as mundane as nipping to the shops for a bottle of milk.
I find I have days where I can just about tolerate people's presence and life in general and then days where I absolutely cannot cope with even my own family and find life a constant battle like everything is deliberately set against me, almost like it's a big conspiracy to piss me off.
I don't have any advice or stratergies I'm afraid, merely my own experiences, I just keep ploughing on in the hope that things will improve. To be fair, things generally do improve in time although often slower than you'd like.
The world is full of patronising people who will tell you to look on the bright side and keep your chin up but unless they've walked a yard in your shoes their opinions are worthless.
Keep well and as they always say in my line of work "Keep on Truckin'"

 

[WereBear]

I dodged depression, but had serious anxiety. Panic attacks and so forth: it's like the flip side of depression in that you have too much activity instead of not being able to activate anything.

A trial of gabapentin and an autism expert and I have discovered I am one of those on the spectrum for whom psychiatric drugs do not work. My brain simply adapts to them and they stop working. I had two weeks of less anxiety from it. Not impressed.

However, a supplement worked great. In case it helps, I wrote a post here: I'm doing Niacin Therapy

 

[Shamar]

Please only answer if you’ve been there. I can’t bear to hear ‘you’ll get through it’ and such like. I’m in way too deep and too long for being fobbed off.

Is 60 years of depression with 20 of them suicidal qualify? I'm talking about hopeless, pounding on the bed, screaming into the pillow type despair. As an autistic, there was nobody to talk to. I tried to talk to my mother about it and her reply was "Just cheer up and be happy." I think that is just about the worst thing you can tell someone in depression.

I don't know about you, but I found the worst thing is not the depression itself, but the frustration of not being able to do anything about it. To me, anyway, that seems to be where the real pain is. Try to find out what the frustration is, and deal with that, then work on the depression.

There are a lot of good people here willing to help.

 

[Tanyax]

Thank you all. Your answers have all been very supportive and what I needed to hear. I agree @Shamar, there is a lot of frustration and I know where most of it comes from but there isn’t much I can do about it. I am doing what I can with whom I can but it is limited. I have children and their father and it isn’t as easy as I would like it to be. @WereBear, I started off on 5htp before anti depressants years ago and it didn’t work clearly but I could always look back into it.

Gabapentin ruined me for about 18 months, it sent me to sleep and unable to function at all. It was the start of me being unable to function physically as a human and unable to get out of bed and look after my kids. It was awful and on top of my depression took a lot away from me. I was a zombie but I didn’t know it was that that was keeping me unable to move for a long time.

My anxiety is worse than ever so I might perhaps consider a mood stabiliser as I never have. I hate not being in control and I do lose it an awful lot. Honestly though, I hate seeing a psychiatrist, they make me feel awful and they are meant to be health care professionals! Lol! It’s horrendous for me so I avoid it at all costs. But thank you.

It’s just so nice to know you’re not alone in this. Everyone around me functions and you feel like you should be able to and you just can’t. I will also look into the vitamin b3 thing. I am taking folic acid as I am low in it but I’m not taking large amounts.

Again. I thank you. And send you all my love and hope for happier days ahead. If it helps, my day was actually quite good really. No dramas, no tears. I’m grateful for small mercies if nothing else xx

 

[Bertie Wooster]

You should know that not all depression can be fixed with medication and therapy. There is such a thing as chronic, therapy-resistant depression. Which can go on for years, or, you know, forever.

That is flat out wrong and you should not talk about a topic you clearly have little knowledge about. The human brain is a biological organ that we as a species have put a huge amount of scientific research into understanding, the medication now available to treat chronic depression is extremely effective. You cannot "think" your liver to repair itself, you cannot "think" your kidney to repair itself, you cannot "think" your way out of cancer. It is fatuous and arrogant to believe you can repair your brain by thought. This is science not faith for goodness sake.

 

[Bolletje]

That is flat out wrong and you should not talk about a topic you clearly have little knowledge about. The human brain is a biological organ that we as a species have put a huge amount of scientific research into understanding, the medication now available to treat chronic depression is extremely effective. You cannot "think" your liver to repair itself, you cannot "think" your kidney to repair itself, you cannot "think" your way out of cancer. It is fatuous and arrogant to believe you can repair your brain by thought. This is science not faith for goodness sake.

I’m a medical doctor. I have worked in psychiatry. I know what I am talking about. You clearly do not. I am not saying people can think themselves out of a depression, I am just saying not everyone gets better with medication and therapy. I think it’s ignorant and pretty hurtful to just waltz into a topic about someone with chronic depression and say “ hey, take pills, you will 100% get better!”. Don’t you think they’d have tried some therapeutic options in 7+ years of severe depression?
That being said, you seem like an angry and ill-informed person and I’ve no desire to derail this topic by bickering with you.

 

[WereBear]

Also, dealing with a severe meltdown, cortisol resistance, and shortage of executive functions: I have found that large amounts of fish oil supplements, Omega 3, such as the new protocols for treating concussion and brain injury, help a lot.

 

[Bertie Wooster]

I’m a medical doctor. I have worked in psychiatry. I know what I am talking about. You clearly do not. I am not saying people can think themselves out of a depression, I am just saying not everyone gets better with medication and therapy. I think it’s ignorant and pretty hurtful to just waltz into a topic about someone with chronic depression and say “ hey, take pills, you will 100% get better!”. Don’t you think they’d have tried some therapeutic options in 7+ years of severe depression?
That being said, you seem like an angry and ill-informed person and I’ve no desire to derail this topic by bickering with you.

You are not a good medical doctor, I have been working in neuroscience for 24 years. If you dont want to bicker as you put it then you should not have responded. Toodlepippie Madame

 

[WereBear]

All the neuroscientists I know admit how incredibly much we don’t know.

Yes: the brain is a collection of chemicals. But we don’t know nearly enough about how they work. Some of neurotransmitters, some are neurohormones, some turn out to have “downdraft” capabilities, like the way Fen-Phen adjusted serotonin in the brain to affect appetite, and then destroyed the heart valves of a subset of the women who took it.

And what about me? My autistic diagnostician gave me the invaluable info that my brain seems to adapt to the medication and then it doesn’t work. That was certainly my experience. Thank goodness I got that information, instead of going through endless torment as so many I know have done.

 

[Bertie Wooster]

All the neuroscientists I know admit how incredibly much we don’t know.

Yes: the brain is a collection of chemicals. But we don’t know nearly enough about how they work. Some of neurotransmitters, some are neurohormones, some turn out to have “downdraft” capabilities, like the way Fen-Phen adjusted serotonin in the brain to affect appetite, and then destroyed the heart valves of a subset of the women who took it.

And what about me? My autistic diagnostician gave me the invaluable info that my brain seems to adapt to the medication and then it doesn’t work. That was certainly my experience. Thank goodness I got that information, instead of going through endless torment as so many I know have done.

We dont know everything but we do know that to treat depression is to administer a serotonin reuptake inhibitor as a starting point. The problem here and what I find irritating is that in trying to help the OP posters are fuelling the mindset of hopelessness instead of taking a scientific standpoint and solving what is a very treatable and common illness

Sorry for the cold response but I am autistic after all

 

[Tanyax]

Wow, ok so, first of all this is the first and only forum I’ve ever been on so I’m not used to confrontation and the general ins and outs of how these threads work. But, I will say first of all thank you to Bolletje for your helpful, dignified, insightful and educated response.

I also want to say what a wonderful group of people you all are. When I joined some of you said what a great support group I had found and I totally agree. You have all been so kind and supportive and such a pleasant relief from my life and society. Absolutely invaluable so thank you all.

Bertie Wooster, I have to say, I did think that your reply was a bit unkind and I felt bad that I had ignited something so negative. I felt responsible for ruining someone else’s day. It was unnecessary. However, I was very happy that you redeemed yourself by acknowledging that your response was cold. I just don’t think we should bring each other down anymore than we already are. These words can make or break us.

All of your thoughts are perfectly valid to me and i appreciate all of your opinions, I really do. But please, please be kind to one another. If that response had been directed at me I would have been broken. Honestly. Words do hurt and some of us just aren’t equipped or able currently to cope as easily as others do. I hope this is ok to say. I really do. But please, I beg of you to be kind.

I don’t know about the rest of you but I’m very fragile right now and your love and support is why I’m on here. Can we just foster that? We are all in this together xx

 

[Tanyax]

And yes, I’ve tried many medications. I’ve trued citalopram, venlafaxine, an anti psychotic (can’t remember which one), clomipramine, Valium for anxiety, 2 psychiatrists, numerous doctors, even had the mental health crisis team at my door. I’ve tried. Trust me. The help I’ve sought has not not been met well. I’ve been told they can’t help me. I’ve been treated with distain and been made to feel like a freak frankly. It’s been horrible. I don’t even want to put myself through the system anymore. It’s upsetting and humiliating here in the uk. Please don’t think I haven’t tried. No one would put themselves through this willingly.

 

[Fitzo]

We dont know everything but we do know that to treat depression is to administer a serotonin reuptake inhibitor as a starting point. The problem here and what I find irritating is that in trying to help the OP posters are fuelling the mindset of hopelessness instead of taking a scientific standpoint and solving what is a very treatable and common illness

Sorry for the cold response but I am autistic after all

If depression was curable simply by popping a few pills, you have to wonder why people are committing suicide at the rate of 14.3 per 100k in America alone. Many countries have a considerably higher rate!

If you think it is helpful to suggest that depressed people are only suffering because they simply haven't taken the right pill then you are very mistaken! The OP started this thread to get some comfort from knowing she is not alone in the way she feels. Your suggestion that everyone is curable implies it's her fault! That's hardly what someone who is struggling just to get through the day needs or wants to hear. Clearly your knowledge is based on theory rather than practice.