Cognitive empathy/theory of mind

[Gift2humanity]

Hmm. I can say I am seriously affected by a person's "vibe", though this has lessened since I stopped making eye contact. I used to feel it for days after the fact, especially if someone was having a bad day. No idea why, mind you, just feeling what they were feeling. Drove my crazy. I spent years trying to figure it out. Got really good at inferring, but the conclusions I managed to piece together were still often wrong and took tremendous effort.

Now that I don't make eye contact, people's "vibes" affect me much less, though I do know how they're feeling if they tell me in words. Still don't know why, though. Unless they tell me. General exceptions apply, such as being tired after a long day, or worried about getting good grades in school.

In the past, I've had the "please tell me what your intentions are" conversation, which backfired a lot before I understood that I was asking because I literally didn't know.

Now, if I need to be clear on what a person intends, I preface the conversation with "Please don't be alarmed, I honestly don't know and I recognize that this is unusual, would you mind telling me?" So far that's worked out pretty well. Otherwise people tend to take "What are your intentions?" as a loaded question.

So, does being sensitive to a "vibe" count as emotional empathy? I am easily affected in emotional situations and I care a great deal. But I need the words to understand why the feelings are happening. Once I do understand, I find I connect emotionally.

Thanks for your post.
While I know I am fixated on childhood fiction reading, I figure it’s ok to talk about it on here given we are all autistic, so long as there are no one to whom repetition grinds on.
Did you read fiction as a child and growing up?

 

[SimonSays]

Now, if I need to be clear on what a person intends, I preface the conversation with "Please don't be alarmed, I honestly don't know and I recognize that this is unusual, would you mind telling me?" So far that's worked out pretty well. Otherwise people tend to take "What are your intentions?" as a loaded question.

That sounds like an excellent approach. It is so tempting when intentions are unclear just to ask because in my mind I expect to receive a straightforward and understandable answer. Not realising how things feel loaded to people used to getting some of their information by reading body language, noticing nuance, and simple assumption. Now I'm suddenly having to explain or defend, and that's so much more complicated.

So by putting it in the form of a right question, and by right question I mean something that says it so well, so clear, that only a good response comes back, makes it so much easier. Right questions are like gems. Rare but can be found. When you do they're just beautiful.

 

[zozie]

That sounds like an excellent approach. It is so tempting when intentions are unclear just to ask because in my mind I expect to receive a straightforward and understandable answer. Not realising how things feel loaded to people used to getting some of their information by reading body language, noticing nuance, and simple assumption. Now I'm suddenly having to explain or defend, and that's so much more complicated.

So by putting it in the form of a right question, and by right question I mean something that says it so well, so clear, that only a good response comes back, makes it so much easier. Right questions are like gems. Rare but can be found. When you do they're just beautiful.

Well, I tell you what, I wish I had come up with the framing of this question years ago. It would have saved me a world of heartache and stress.

Did you read fiction as a child and growing up?

I did read fiction as a kid, but I mostly read nonfiction now. I watched a lot of movies when I was younger, and as a result, I figured my wildly swinging emotions were right and proper, since that's what movies were like. I also concluded that most other people who didn't life their lives "like we see in the movies" were zombies who never had any original thoughts or any passion at all.

I was always exhausted and frustrated until it occurred to me (this year) that movies are not real life, and maybe I don't have to use them as a reference for How To Be Properly Emotional. I actually much prefer a calmer, steadier state. Since this realization about myself, I have stopped using fiction as a guide and have seen is more as a mode of entertainment. My emotional regulation has improved considerably (though there are many factors that contribute to this).

I gather it was a sort of closed loop, the way I looked at movies and fiction. See drama in movies, justify drama in real life, perpetuate drama because that's "how it's done in the movies".

 

[SimonSays]

Well, I tell you what, I wish I had come up with the framing of this question years ago. It would have saved me a world of heartache and stress.

Yes. Finding a right question in my experience usually takes quite some time. Unless there's a moment of inspiration or epiphany, it somehow doesn't arrive until later. Perhaps we have to be at the exact right vibration to recognise it, and suddenly there it is. Now why didn't I think of saying it like that before? Only now I actually can.

 

[Gift2humanity]

That sounds like an excellent approach. It is so tempting when intentions are unclear just to ask because in my mind I expect to receive a straightforward and understandable answer. Not realising how things feel loaded to people used to getting some of their information by reading body language, noticing nuance, and simple assumption. Now I'm suddenly having to explain or defend, and that's so much more complicated.

So by putting it in the form of a right question, and by right question I mean something that says it so well, so clear, that only a good response comes back, makes it so much easier. Right questions are like gems. Rare but can be found. When you do they're just beautiful.

I like straight forward and understandable answers.
I struggle with vagueness and ambiguity.
I remember, years ago, getting a lift to a course from a girl at work who was pretty formidable. I can’t remember what I asked her about myself, and her answer may seem rude but to me, it let me know where I stood. She said something like “You would not be in my car if I did not make you” This is much better than people being rude and not giving feedback or vague and ambiguous.
I agree about good quality questions.

 

[Gift2humanity]

Well, I tell you what, I wish I had come up with the framing of this question years ago. It would have saved me a world of heartache and stress.



I did read fiction as a kid, but I mostly read nonfiction now. I watched a lot of movies when I was younger, and as a result, I figured my wildly swinging emotions were right and proper, since that's what movies were like. I also concluded that most other people who didn't life their lives "like we see in the movies" were zombies who never had any original thoughts or any passion at all.

I was always exhausted and frustrated until it occurred to me (this year) that movies are not real life, and maybe I don't have to use them as a reference for How To Be Properly Emotional. I actually much prefer a calmer, steadier state. Since this realization about myself, I have stopped using fiction as a guide and have seen is more as a mode of entertainment. My emotional regulation has improved considerably (though there are many factors that contribute to this).

I gather it was a sort of closed loop, the way I looked at movies and fiction. See drama in movies, justify drama in real life, perpetuate drama because that's "how it's done in the movies".

Thank you for your reply.
Fiction reading is good because it is an act of co creation, the reader creates their own movie.
There are some good role models in movies too.