Comfortable being single

[eonbus]

oh really and your gonna act like wrongplanet and ban me for sexism. go right ahead.

 

[Butterfly88]

If it makes you happy there is nothing wrong with it. I'm undecided what I want. I want to try dating once or twice and see how it goes. I'm too anxious to try it right now though.

 

[Judge]

If it makes you happy there is nothing wrong with it. I'm undecided what I want. I want to try dating once or twice and see how it goes. I'm too anxious to try it right now though.

Yep. If it works, run with it. It's just weird in my case in that I came to understand my autism only some 15 years later after giving up relationships altogether. So I now have a very different sense of why they all failed for me. But then at my age now the opportunity isn't there like it used to be either. Oh well. Maybe I'll get it right in the next life.

In a cosmic sense I'm just grateful that I was able to discover my autism which explains such a great deal of my life, for better or worse.

 

[tree]

eonbus seems angry about something.

I wonder what.

 

[Cali Cat]

I've been in several long-term relationships, and I have found that no matter how much I love someone, I'd still rather be alone. I wouldn't mind having a friend to go out and do things with, but I want him to live in his own place and not rely on me as his only means of entertainment. The older I get, the more I feel this way. That's what ruined my last relationship. At this point, I intend to be forever single ... as long as cats don't count as being in a relationship.

 

[hiraeth]

I've been in several long-term relationships, and I have found that no matter how much I love someone, I'd still rather be alone. I wouldn't mind having a friend to go out and do things with, but I want him to live in his own place and not rely on me as his only means of entertainment. The older I get, the more I feel this way. That's what ruined my last relationship. At this point, I intend to be forever single ... as long as cats don't count as being in a relationship.

Yeah, it just seems like so much work to be expected to interact with someone every single day, and update them on how you're feeling, receive comments about if you're visibly exhausted and don't feel like putting on a smile or making too much conversation or want to go to bed early, etc. Don't have the energy to meet those kinds of expectations. When I go home from a whole day of interacting with people at work, I really want to be alone. Sure, I still talk to some internet friends, but that takes vastly less energy than the constant monitoring of body language that comes with in person interaction.

 

[Elemental]

When I was younger, both my Mum & my Nan used to say to me: "You're better off staying on you're own" I wasn't sure whether this was a comment on the caliber of guys whom I hung about with, or a whimsical comment on their own marriages. I conclude though, they were not wrong. Even when someone is able to accommodate how I am, it's no way guaranteed I can accommodate them & we definitely become more discriminatory as we mature. I'm very much a Protectionist these days, of myself, my home, my environment & I will cull friendships quite ruthlessly if I feel they are counter-productive to my own well being & peace of mind, which is obviously somewhat selfish.

 

[Cali Cat]

... I'm very much a Protectionist these days, of myself, my home, my environment & I will cull friendships quite ruthlessly if I feel they are counter-productive to my own well being & peace of mind, which is obviously somewhat selfish.

I don't believe that selfish at all. I believe it is simply an awareness of your own limitations. Sometimes people confuse that awareness with selfishness, but as long as you stick to yourself and don't make promises to other people that you can't keep, then I believe you're actually being unselfish.

 

[Judge]

I don't believe that selfish at all. I believe it is simply an awareness of your own limitations. Sometimes people confuse that awareness with selfishness, but as long as you stick to yourself and don't make promises to other people that you can't keep, then I believe you're actually being unselfish.

Agreed. Self awareness allows one the possibility to mitigate their traits and behaviors relative to a Neurotypical world. Part of that for me involves recognizing that my absolute need for routine solitude is utterly involuntary. It's not a choice- just a necessity. It keeps me sane relative to the rest of the world. That's not being selfish IMO.

Had I been aware of this in the past relationships I once had, I might still have had them. Fighting my own impulses just made things worse- not better. Not just for myself, but anyone in a close orbit around me.

 

[Cali Cat]

Yeah, it just seems like so much work to be expected to interact with someone every single day, and update them on how you're feeling, receive comments about if you're visibly exhausted and don't feel like putting on a smile or making too much conversation or want to go to bed early, etc. Don't have the energy to meet those kinds of expectations ...

Beautifully put, hiraeth. Everything you said there describes exactly how I felt in my last relationship. I felt like I was under the microscope all the time, and expected to perform like a circus animal.

My SO would become emotionally upset if I didn't appear to be engaging with him fully every night when he arrived home. He seemed to think I should be all smiles and laughter, and heaven forbid I flick my cigarette in a certain fashion, because that meant (to him) that I was angry.

 

[Cali Cat]

Agreed. Self awareness allows one the possibility to mitigate their traits and behaviors relative to a Neurotypical world ...

Had I been aware of this in the past relationships I once had, I might still have had them. Fighting my own impulses just made things worse- not better. Not just for myself, but anyone in a close orbit around me.

I had my last relationship in spite of what I knew about myself. I told myself lies ... that I was capable enough, that I could "handle" it. I was wrong, but my impulses were too strong. I felt too much. Now, I feel I did the man a great disservice, but at the same time, perhaps he needed the experience himself. But, I digress off topic ...

 

[Judge]

I was wrong, but my impulses were too strong. I felt too much. Now, I feel I did the man a great disservice, but at the same time, perhaps he needed the experience himself.

Yes. The "face of autism". But it's not a crime. It's simply who we are. And fighting it is more apt to make things worse.

 

[Elemental]

Cali Cat : Ok, if not selfish, then perceived as being selfish by others, sometimes.

Judge I admire & envy your ability to identify the fundamental issues appertaining to situations.

 

[eonbus]

eonbus seems angry about something.

I wonder what.

i am angry at wrongplanet.net because of them marking me of sexism.

 

[Vinca]

I'm comfortable with being single, in the sense that I know it's what in my best interests, at the mo.

I like the idea of having a relationship/marriage etc but how that would work, in reality, is beyond me.

 

[tree]

i am angry at wrongplanet.net because of them marking me of sexism.

Why do you suppose they did that?

 

[Bro'Freak]

Being single can be easier in some ways but it is far from healthy imho.
I have been single for a long time & had short dissfunctional couplings mostly. Up untill a recent relationship that lasted around 16 months. It wasn't smooth sailing by any stretch of the imagination but it actualy felt real & something I needed. So I tried to make it work & vowed to adjust any character traits that might have that caused issues. At times I was at a loss as to what my role was & when I was under duress or stressed about things I realised that my mind would churn possiblilities, working out reasons, imagining next steps. The problem I found in these stressfull moments was myself. I had no where to rest these thoughts, no way to stop the rising tension in my soul. But the thing was I knew it was transigent & that in a little while all would be okay. I'm not talking about arguements, i'm on about spending lots of time together.

I had my moments where I needed my 'me time', but that was secondary to the needs of my significant other, so I could easily put myself to the side & step forward, forgetting the energy churning somewhere in my chest/head. I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you worry about the other person too much you can create more of a problem than intended. If they love you they know that everyone has their off days & if they are good in heart then they will stand by you, even when your internal strife makes you feal unameanable to want them far away / whatever it takes. That is what relationships are about & what makes them work. When we forget why we try we let the side down, as it dissparages the common purpose in a relationship & can be classed as selfish at first glance. But usualy there are other reasons as to why a relationship can fail.

 

[s6driver]

In my life so far, I had a 5 year marriage, I've been single for 3 years straight, and everything in between. Most of the time I've found that I'm happier single, although I've had a couple relationships where I was definitely happier in them than being single. Currently single by choice, very little desire to be in another relationship at the moment. I really, really enjoy being able to do whatever I want when I want, and not live the way someone else wants me to.