Communication help for double autistic marriage

[Aspychata]

If he cares about the relationship (cares about you), he will change his style of communication, with some time and work on both of your parts. But you also need to meet him part way, and soften your approach . Once you start fighting, you have only started a serious battle that is headed for the courts.

 

[yogabanana]

As a group, we can only judge specific contexts and specific examples we're given. Generally speaking, your way of thinking is not always right and not his either. Some things are better well defined, some are better with emotions, and some are not necessarily better with one or another. It really depends on each individual matter and if both parties are being reasonably considered per issue.

So tell me an example of a situation where a relationship issue is better handled approaching it objectively? The evidence based models of couples therapy would not agree with that. That tends to lead one person to think their version of the facts is correct while the other has the facts wrong and that framing doesn't generally resolve arguments like this.

It's not about whether something is well defined or fact vs emotion but rather is the truth being recognized by all parties as each person's subjective interpretation of the events at hand, or is someone assuming their way of viewing the situation is objective?

If you are unaware of your own biases and unaware of the difference between what a camera would record vs what you are saying happened and the language gaps between them (e.g. "she turned and left the room" vs "she stomped away" or "he didn't respond back" vs "he ignored her" or "she began speaking more quickly and animated" vs "she threw a fit") then you are not able to reliably report whether you are viewing a situation objectively.

Most of us are not as objective as we think we are, even if we have gathered a lot of data - especially if the topic is stirring any emotions/confusion etc.

Someone thinking they are being objective when they aren't can even be somewhat dangerous.

I don't believe that facts should never matter or that there should always be space for shades of gray but I do believe that it is rare to actually be objective about a relationship issue if someone is fully emotionally invested in that relationship. It is not common to step outside yourself and see just what a camera sees when it comes to interpersonal dynamics that cause conflicts with other people.

This happened then this happened is just facts and potentially objective depending how things are worded. But a relationship conflict isn't about facts. It's about interpretation, meaning, etc. usually.

There's a reason couples therapists encourage people to stop rehashing and stop focusing on facts and deal with what's happening underneath the argument over who remembers the minutia more accurately. You don't resolve the conflict by trying to prove your objective correctness.

 

[yogabanana]

We used a worksheet from evidence based couples therapy yesterday that made things mostly better.

I still have a hard time with how he is framing my autism. We had to end discussing what each person can do to make this type of issue better and his answer was basically never perseverate again or stop much faster when you do. Like I am already doing what I can on that. I can't really achieve what he wants.

So I said what I need him to do differently is get a better education on autism. We are both late life aware of our autism. I just feel like if I can look for ways to be more understanding about the lack of emotional support etc that I received due to him not understanding what I need, he could try to be more understanding about the ways my autism impacts his needs too.

 

[AO1501]

It is a shame that the vast majority of autism worksheets are aimed at children, because what might help here is a worksheet which would allow each of you to define the principle traits of your own autistic strengths and weaknesses, and to each also define what you see of the other's. Then sit down and see where you match... and where you don't.

It would at least provide a collaborative starting point to talk outwards from.

 

[yogabanana]

It is a shame that the vast majority of autism worksheets are aimed at children, because what might help here is a worksheet which would allow each of you to define the principle traits of your own autistic strengths and weaknesses, and to each also define what you see of the other's. Then sit down and see where you match... and where you don't.

It would at least provide a collaborative starting point to talk outwards from.

He might be open to that even if the target audience is children. He is usually down for almost anything. Not a lot of husband's would say yeah I'll use that "after a fight" worksheet with you and identify my feelings and needs. Gotta give him credit for being open to trying stuff.

 

[paloftoon]

So tell me an example of a situation where a relationship issue is better handled approaching it objectively? The evidence based models of couples therapy would not agree with that. That tends to lead one person to think their version of the facts is correct while the other has the facts wrong and that framing doesn't generally resolve arguments like this.

It's not about whether something is well defined or fact vs emotion but rather is the truth being recognized by all parties as each person's subjective interpretation of the events at hand, or is someone assuming their way of viewing the situation is objective?

If you are unaware of your own biases and unaware of the difference between what a camera would record vs what you are saying happened and the language gaps between them (e.g. "she turned and left the room" vs "she stomped away" or "he didn't respond back" vs "he ignored her" or "she began speaking more quickly and animated" vs "she threw a fit") then you are not able to reliably report whether you are viewing a situation objectively.

Most of us are not as objective as we think we are, even if we have gathered a lot of data - especially if the topic is stirring any emotions/confusion etc.

Someone thinking they are being objective when they aren't can even be somewhat dangerous.

I don't believe that facts should never matter or that there should always be space for shades of gray but I do believe that it is rare to actually be objective about a relationship issue if someone is fully emotionally invested in that relationship. It is not common to step outside yourself and see just what a camera sees when it comes to interpersonal dynamics that cause conflicts with other people.

This happened then this happened is just facts and potentially objective depending how things are worded. But a relationship conflict isn't about facts. It's about interpretation, meaning, etc. usually.

There's a reason couples therapists encourage people to stop rehashing and stop focusing on facts and deal with what's happening underneath the argument over who remembers the minutia more accurately. You don't resolve the conflict by trying to prove your objective correctness.

Well, a quality relationship actually needs to be both objective and subjective. For instance, people normally have bills to pay. Do you think they should morally go unpaid? Objectively speaking, you should pay your bills and on time. Maybe if in your situations, you've accumulated too many bills, maybe you need to prioritize which ones to pay off first. Some people tend to pay off their credit card bills last because it gives more instant access to cash that one doesn't have even though it comes with the highest interest rates to pay back. Subjectively, maybe you like to pay by check instead of online because it helps you remember that you paid the bill and you decided to track the receipt. Or maybe you like to overpay your bills because you're afraid you'll miss a payment, and how much you want to overpay depends on how you feel.

https://medium.com/@abithadeepak/on-objectivity-and-how-it-impacts-your-relationship-d982ac50850b