Communication Help - Married to a male Aspie

[reveric15]

When I read the very first post on this thread, I thought my wife had come into the site and had posted about our relationship, unaware to me!! This sounds exactly like our issues. She knew I was an Aspie before I realized, and these are the issues we deal with.

My wife understands some things and is lenient; at the same time, I seek to understand her and I know I'm hard to deal with. She is totally NT but loves the Aspie she married! Marriage counseling did us a world of good as well; may I recommend the Five Love Languages and also Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. These books helped us a lot in at least they helped us deal with possibilities of communication and how to translate them to one another.

 

[asman]

I'm a girl (I know you wanted advice from men), but I'm reading this book called "Asperger Syndrome and Long Term Relationships" by Ashley Stanford because I'm trying to understand Aspies more. I'm an NT, at least I test out as one. One thing that stuck out to me was when she said that an NT and an Aspie are like two different countries that speak different languages and they both have to find ways to communicate with each other. I believe a relationship is a two way street and both parties need to learn about the other. She said that if you (NT) have an important conversation you want to have with your Aspie, then you need to make things more comfortable for your Aspie (because they have a hard time with eye contact) and turn lights down using candles, sit back to back, talk while doing an activity such as walking. Sometimes a to-do list may help it says. It does say that as an NT, you will need to ask for what you want (I'm talking about the being romantic part) - he may not know what you mean by being "romantic". The book says this one woman started to verbalize everything to her husband such as what she wanted (a hug), what she needed him to do (help with taking in groceries), and also would tell him how she was feeling at any given time because Aspies have a hard time recognizing certain facial and body expressions and he also was expected to tell her how he was feeling because his body language was not mirroring his emotions at that time. I'm about half way through the book. I can understand why NT's and Aspies have difficulty communicating - since 85% or more of communication is nonverbal (body language and facial expressions). You as a couple just have to be crafty and find ways around that.

What I want to know is if I did what the book said and told an Aspie everything I wanted and needed, would the Aspie see me as talking down to them? Or think of me as a mother figure trying to tell them what they should be doing?

i am a new-found aspie. The fact that it has been so frustrating for me to show that I care about my wife, I would really appreciate a 'to-do' list.
I don't think he would consider that insulting; he might actually be pleased to finally understand what you need

sorry for replying so late.

 

[Maddox]

What I want to know is if I did what the book said and told an Aspie everything I wanted and needed, would the Aspie see me as talking down to them? Or think of me as a mother figure trying to tell them what they should be doing?

No, I don't see my gf as talking down to me when she tells me what she needs. For instance, I want sex with her but am incredibly awkward when it comes to initiating. I start thinking how to initiate it and then get lost in my thoughts, so we discussed it and now she makes the first step, which is a relief for both.

As for the mother figure part of your question, it depends. From personal experience, I can accept everything she tells me to do to her or related to shared tasks, but I would not accept a motherly behavior in the sense that she told me what to wear and how to spend my free time.