Confused and stressed out

[Catherine Crowne]

I just returned home (today) from a week-long visit with my husbands family. (Baton Rouge)
My husband and I have been together almost 5 years total.
A smart, creative bunch. I truly enjoy spending time with them.
We live quite a ways away.
I paid close attention this visit to my husbands parents, siblings and our nieces and nephews.

I realize that most likely my husband is on the spectrum.
I have felt deeply lonely with him as well as beyond confused with some of his behavior.
I am reeling frankly with this awakening and in need of enlightenment and encouragement because I am devastated.

I don’t know if I can deal with this effectively.
I am exhausted in trying to figure him out.

I guess I need to educate myself.
I am researching books to read and looking for recommendations.
Thanks,
Catherine

 

[tree]

 

[Judge]

I realize that most likely my husband is on the spectrum.
I have felt deeply lonely with him as well as beyond confused with some of his behavior.
I am reeling frankly with this awakening and in need of enlightenment and encouragement because I am devastated.

I don’t know if I can deal with this effectively.
I am exhausted in trying to figure him out.

I guess I need to educate myself.
I am researching books to read and looking for recommendations.
Thanks,
Catherine

Welcome to Autism Forums.

Perhaps it might be more beneficial not to attempt to understand and attempt to rationalize his behavior, but rather to view it in simpler terms of patterns and regularity. To identify and accept his autistic traits and behaviors, but without attempting to process them from the perspective of a non-autistic person.

If you met someone coming from a very different place and perspective, don't you think it would be overwhelming for you to assume you could instantly understand them given your own profoundly different thought process and point of view?

Rather than feel mortified by such a revelation, you might consider this as someone you've had a relationship with for nearly five years. Whatever incompatibilities you both may be dealing with, clearly you have handled them with more success than failure. From my own perspective, I was never able to successfully maintain a relationship with NT women as long as that.

And even though we may have relationships with Neurotypical significant others, it's not likely to change our own periodic need for solitude. That this is about us and not you, and not something to take personally. Having a deep understanding of such things may ultimately not be as important as having a deep and unconditional acceptance of them. Even if and when you cannot neurologically relate to them in whole or in part.

 

[Nitro]

Hi Catherine

 

[BraidedPony]

Is there a rush to understand him right now? Why are you devastated?
Like Judge said, you have handled your differences for five years with success.
Am I missing something?

 

[Major Tom]

Hi, welcome!

 

[Catherine Crowne]

Welcome to Autism Forums.

Perhaps it might be more beneficial not to attempt to understand and attempt to rationalize his behavior, but rather to view it in simpler terms of patterns and regularity. To identify and accept his autistic traits and behaviors, but without attempting to process them from the perspective of a non-autistic person.

If you met someone coming from a very different place and perspective, don't you think it would be overwhelming for you to assume you could instantly understand them given your own profoundly different thought process and point of view?

Rather than feel mortified by such a revelation, you might consider this as someone you've had a relationship with for nearly five years. Whatever incompatibilities you both may be dealing with, clearly you have handled them with more success than failure. From my own perspective, I was never able to successfully maintain a relationship with NT women as long as that.

And even though we may have relationships with Neurotypical significant others, it's not likely to change our own periodic need for solitude. That this is about us and not you, and not something to take personally. Having a deep understanding of such things may ultimately not be as important as having a deep and unconditional acceptance of them. Even if and when you cannot neurologically relate to them in whole or in part.

First of all. Thank you for taking the time to read what I have to say and then giving me feedback.
I have read what you’ve written several times.
I was the kid in school that would go to the defense for anyone that was bullied.
The girl who took home the strays.
I’m super sensitive to anyone that is “left out”.

When I look back I see that my father is most likely on the spectrum.
My mother “checked out” all the time. Interesting....but, do some folks on the spectrum want constant attention?
My dad is like that. Lots of drama.
I believe the sad twist to this relationship is that I am an empath. Waaay in touch with my emotions and wanting loads of emotional exchange.
And at first it seemed he wanted that too. He just needed someone to help him do that.
I had this ego I guess you could say where I believed I could help him.
That’s my fault.
That’s about me and my need for control. (I guess)
I was going to make the mistake of attempting to explain more.
I recognize what you are saying.
I have my own issues with expectations.
Acceptance.
I do respect his need for solitude.
I want him to feel that he is wonderful today, not when he becomes whatever.
It just feels scary to trust the process.
I don’t know how. But I want to.

 

[Catherine Crowne]

Is there a rush to understand him right now? Why are you devastated?
Like Judge said, you have handled your differences for five years with success.
Am I missing something?

Yes, typical of me to want all the understanding NOW.
I believe I am devastated with myself.
I’d say I am far from nuerotypical. Just in a different direction.
Yes, we have handled our differences for 5 years, now. And no less credit to him.
Though, I gotta say, I put in a lot of effort to evolve emotionally. (Diet, exercise, therapy, mood stabilizing meds, much thoughtful contemplation.)
I Realize I have plenty of issues myself.
I guess I just need help to navigate in a way that is peaceful for both he and I.

 

[Catherine Crowne]

Hi, welcome!

Hi, Thank you.

 

[Catherine Crowne]

View attachment 53120

Hello. Thank you.

 

[clg114]

Welcome to Autism Forums!

 

[Catherine Crowne]

Hi Catherine

View attachment 53124

Hi. Thank you.

 

[Fino]

I'm probably reading it wrong, but it's coming off like everything was normal for more than 5 years then suddenly BAM he's autistic and you're confused and lonely.

I'm sure it wasn't like that, but has something suddenly changed?

Or has it been like this a while and you've now grown tired?

Maybe you thought you could change him and haven't been able to all these years and are feeling hopeless about it?

Did you suspect he was autistic before this?

The thing where you stopped yourself was interesting. The few words describing your dad sound a bit like me.

What is it that makes you feel lonely? Lack of communication? Lack of physicality? Both?

What is that confuses you? Maybe there seems to be a gap between his words and his actions?

 

[Catherine Crowne]

I'm probably reading it wrong, but it's coming off like everything was normal for more than 5 years then suddenly BAM he's autistic and you're confused and lonely.

I'm sure it wasn't like that, but has something suddenly changed?

Or has it been like this a while and you've now grown tired?

Maybe you thought you could change him and haven't been able to all these years and are feeling hopeless about it?

Did you suspect he was autistic before this?

The thing where you stopped yourself was interesting. The few words describing your dad sound a bit like me.

What is it that makes you feel lonely? Lack of communication? Lack of physicality? Both?

What is that confuses you? Maybe there seems to be a gap between his words and his actions?

Well, it is a bit difficult to relay a scenario out with comprehensive detail.
I appreciate your concerns and questions.
No, things were not normal for the 5 years, however true to my nature when things weren’t going well, I blamed myself.
I was raised that way.
But, about a year ago I came to the realization that our problems also included his behavior as a source.
Then I demonized him to some extent.
Then, I started therapy (again, I’ve gone many times through the years), I started to get perspective.
I began changing my eating habits, which weren’t bad, but I made definitive lifestyle changes and started a med that addressed a mood disorder and he also tried harder to communicate and interact.
But, we’ve had a little more stress than usual lately and I feel like I’m still evolving and he has stopped.
Then, a light came on. Thus the reason I am on here.
The loneliness is from lack of communication.
His withdrawal and contempt if there is emotions. Sometimes even fun emotions.
He also is controlling.
But, I do want to learn how to handle our relationship with sensitivity to what works for him.
I don’t believe he would be open to the possibility that he is autistic.
I have had family and friends note that he is different (not in a rude way)
I obviously need to learn a few things.
I appreciate the interaction with people here.
Very much.

 

[Fino]

Is he unhappy or does he seem to be okay with the current state of things?

If he's content, then it'd be difficult, almost impossible, to get to a point where he considers he's autistic and does something about it.

But if he's also unhappy in significant ways, then it might be worth bringing it up, despite how you believe he'll react. But not bringing it up for the sake of bringing it up or blaming him, but as a small aside among a discussion of everything going on that needs to be discussed.

These are common problems in this sort of situation, and I understand his behavior and feelings and believe I understand yours to an extent.

He'll just have to communicate. It's what relationships are based on. If he can't do that then he's not ready to be in a relationship. Doing what you can to gently coax him into this, such as explaining its importance, seems like the only way to go.

Maybe you can ask what you can do to make this easier for him, to help him feel more comfortable while communicating, such as if he prefers text or a certain day or time or anything like that. But communication happening is the non-negotiable part.

I'm certainly no relationship expert, but it seems to me that couples afraid to express themselves to each other are relationships doomed for failure.

 

[SusanLR]

Welcome to the forums.

Hope you can find some of your answers here.

 

[Gracey]

Hello Catherine

You’ve done well altering your perceptions, positive lifestyle changes, regulating moods and changing your way ahead,
These are your achievements, not his.

You’ll change,
And unless he agreed to make changes to his own life,
He’ll stay exactly the same.

You can’t force him to travel on this journey of self discovery with you,
He has to want it too.

With your own changes to your perceptions and habits,
will come new realisations and perhaps new ideas for your future?

They’re not his, they’re yours.
It was always your choice to find ways to change your life.

Perhaps discussing the way ahead, your ideas for your future together with him would be a good place to start ?

Autism or no, doesn’t matter,
What matters is if your both ‘still on the same page’ with regard to your future together?

Your future hasn’t happened yet, it’s still just an idea you share. Imagined.

Are you still imagining the same or similar things?
Can you find compromises if you aren’t?
Can you accept the changes to the imaginary idea you once had?

He’s expected to accept the changes you’ve made to your life,
Have you got what it takes to accept he may like things just as they are and adapt?

 

[Catherine Crowne]

Is he unhappy or does he seem to be okay with the current state of things?

If he's content, then it'd be difficult, almost impossible, to get to a point where he considers he's autistic and does something about it.

But if he's also unhappy in significant ways, then it might be worth bringing it up, despite how you believe he'll react. But not bringing it up for the sake of bringing it up or blaming him, but as a small aside among a discussion of everything going on that needs to be discussed.

These are common problems in this sort of situation, and I understand his behavior and feelings and believe I understand yours to an extent.

He'll just have to communicate. It's what relationships are based on. If he can't do that then he's not ready to be in a relationship. Doing what you can to gently coax him into this, such as explaining its importance, seems like the only way to go.

Maybe you can ask what you can do to make this easier for him, to help him feel more comfortable while communicating, such as if he prefers text or a certain day or time or anything like that. But communication happening is the non-negotiable part.

I'm certainly no relationship expert, but it seems to me that couples afraid to express themselves to each other are relationships doomed for failure.

He does get depressed.
I believe he has suffered.
He told me when I started working on myself with a deep sincerity, that he thought he might need therapy. But then he let that idea go.
I have discussed with him that we need to communicate. That we need to turn to each other when we need help, etc.
He was in a relationship before ours for 20 years, but his wife left and he was understandably devastated and confused.
He wants a relationship with her and after he and I got together, she has responded, but I’ve tried to tell him how much that frightens me as I feel she wouldn’t respect boundaries (she has said inappropriate things to him) or that he would slowly fall into an emotional affair with her. That’s a whole other problem. But, he has backed off of that for now. He can not seem to understand how I feel. He has accused me of being insanely jealous, etc.
As for communication,
I tell him I can’t read his mind.
He withdraws. He stonewalls. He doesn’t reply to questions.
Many times when he speaks he is barely audible. And when I ask him to repeat himself. He gets angry and tells me to get my hearing checked.
I finally told him that maybe I do have hearing problems but that people that care for one another allow for that and speak louder. I could tell that comment made him think.
And yes I agree if we are afraid to communicate then a relationship really isn’t one.
He definitely uses sex as a way to connect, but I realize it lets him off the hook.
I do ask for cuddles and he’s pretty good.
I don’t know, I need to learn how to approach him.
I see what you mean about telling him what I suspect. I don’t want to upset him. He is super sensitive.
I guess I need to process this.
It’s scary because I’m confused and Ill equipped.
I don’t want to let he or I down.

 

[Crossbreed]

Hello & welcome @Catherine Crowne .

When autism is finally recognized by a relative or oneself, it is a paradigm shift. All of us (newly-aware autistics included) are so used to the NT standard, that comfort in thinking differently takes some time.

For us, it is like being left-handed, but being forced to use our right hand from an early age. Now, we finally have permission to use our "left hand."

These two organizations have resources to help family members adapt to their "autie,"

• The Autism Society of America (local affiliates)
• US Autism Association

Did you detect autism in any of his other family members?

 

[Catherine Crowne]

He does get depressed.
I believe he has suffered.
He told me when I started working on myself with a deep sincerity, that he thought he might need therapy. But then he let that idea go.
I have discussed with him that we need to communicate. That we need to turn to each other when we need help, etc.
He was in a relationship before ours for 20 years, but his wife left and he was understandably devastated and confused.
He wants a relationship with her and after he and I got together, she has responded, but I’ve tried to tell him how much that frightens me as I feel she wouldn’t respect boundaries (she has said inappropriate things to him) or that he would slowly fall into an emotional affair with her. That’s a whole other problem. But, he has backed off of that for now. He can not seem to understand how I feel. He has accused me of being insanely jealous, etc.
As for communication,
I tell him I can’t read his mind.
He withdraws. He stonewalls. He doesn’t reply to questions.
Many times when he speaks he is barely audible. And when I ask him to repeat himself. He gets angry and tells me to get my hearing checked.
I finally told him that maybe I do have hearing problems but that people that care for one another allow for that and speak louder. I could tell that comment made him think.
And yes I agree if we are afraid to communicate then a relationship really isn’t one.
He definitely uses sex as a way to connect, but I realize it lets him off the hook.
I do ask for cuddles and he’s pretty good.
I don’t know, I need to learn how to approach him.
I see what you mean about telling him what I suspect. I don’t want to upset him. He is super sensitive.
I guess I need to process this.
It’s scary because I’m confused and Ill equipped.
I don’t want to let he or I down.

Wow. The left hand right hand analogy makes sense.
This trip that we’d taken to see his family. Definitely clinched it for me. I had already vaguely suspected it in his dad and a nephew.
But this time I paid closer attention and I then began to observe him in a new light.
I appreciate your suggesting that it will take some time to get used to, so to speak.
I am depressed. But I realize it’s because I can not share it with anyone. It’s not appropriate. And I am at a loss as well. But the help I have received already in such a short time on this forum, speaks to me. It says loud and clear that “auties” (great term) are very caring, insightful and tolerant.
I will pursue your suggestions.