Confused and stressed out

[Catherine Crowne]

Hello Catherine

You’ve done well altering your perceptions, positive lifestyle changes, regulating moods and changing your way ahead,
These are your achievements, not his.

You’ll change,
And unless he agreed to make changes to his own life,
He’ll stay exactly the same.

You can’t force him to travel on this journey of self discovery with you,
He has to want it too.

With your own changes to your perceptions and habits,
will come new realisations and perhaps new ideas for your future?

They’re not his, they’re yours.
It was always your choice to find ways to change your life.

Perhaps discussing the way ahead, your ideas for your future together with him would be a good place to start ?

Autism or no, doesn’t matter,
What matters is if your both ‘still on the same page’ with regard to your future together?

Your future hasn’t happened yet, it’s still just an idea you share. Imagined.

Are you still imagining the same or similar things?
Can you find compromises if you aren’t?
Can you accept the changes to the imaginary idea you once had?

He’s expected to accept the changes you’ve made to your life,
Have you got what it takes to accept he may like things just as they are and adapt?

Wow. Lots to think about.
Scary really.
I have made the assumption that people grow and change to improve themselves and the relationship.
I think for now, I want to adjust to what I believe is true about him.
I want to discover if with this epiphany I can relate to him with not taking things so personally and extending more patience. (Not that I have much!)
I just need to learn.
I have watched some videos (autistamatic and others), to get a better understanding.
I feel I need to process this.
I am going to the library to get a book or two.
I tend to be a person that researches topics to death, to the point of obsession. Hmmm.

 

[Tom]

You won't get far without him realizing he has issues and also needs to change/modify behaviors. Its a dual process with a couple, any couple. Whether he has autism or not is not as important as both of you working constructively together. Autism may help explain some tendencies but do justify behaviors having a negative impact. That said people do not change easily or much, so it is often a matter of meeting in the middle, compromising.

 

[Catherine Crowne]

You won't get far without him realizing he has issues and also needs to change/modify behaviors. Its a dual process with a couple, any couple. Whether he has autism or not is not as important as both of you working constructively together. Autism may help explain some tendencies but do justify behaviors having a negative impact. That said people do not change easily or much, so it is often a matter of meeting in the middle, compromising.

I believe you.
I need some time to process what is happening.
I hope and pray that we can talk about it and make enough compromise to make it work for both of us.

 

[Gracey]

Scary really.
.

If my comments on what you wrote came across as scarey, that wasn’t my intention.

He’s exactly the same person you married.
The autism you suspect has always been in your relationship.

With knowledge about self comes growth. In that respect people are constantly changing, moving forward.
Some at a much faster rate than others.

It may take him a lot longer to process and embrace what you want.
(His brain might be working three times harder than yours in order to try to understand and then reach some sort of equilibrium. Alter knowledge then behaviour.)

I agree with @Tom when he writes about ‘working constructively together’

Some of that might involve changing expectations?
Research should help with that.

You’ll never change an orchid into a sumptuous, high yield, vigorous strawberry plant that just keeps on giving.

Understanding how to nurture an orchid will reward you with some truly magnificent blooms.

It is what it is.

 

[Catherine Crowne]

I am so grateful for amazing encouragement and insight.
The analogies are fabulous, I love analogies
I am weeping with grateful tears of hope.
One of the reasons it is scary is me.
But, I am a super compassionate person who advocates for folks that have situations that don’t always fit the “norm”.
(I am a private caregiver for folks with cognitive decline)
I know how to relate to and give love and a meaningful motivation to my people. (But these folks like lots of interaction, touch, hugs, laughter and exchange- typically)
But, I am bright enough to know that this situation takes a different kind of awareness and relating.
Everyone has given me valuable insight. I have copied and pasted all the replies so I can refer back.
Keep it coming.
Thank you.