Confused by therapist

[Markness]

I got confused while talking to my therapist today. I told her of the clashes my mother and I have been having in regards to me moving out. My therapist thinks maybe it’s not a good idea for me currently to move out because of my stress levels. I feel confused, though. She knows that I want a girlfriend and the common expectation that men who still live with their parents tend to be dealbreakers for women.

 

[Judge]

I got confused while talking to my therapist today. I told her of the clashes my mother and I have been having in regards to me moving out. My therapist thinks maybe it’s not a good idea for me currently to move out because of my stress levels. I feel confused, though. She knows that I want a girlfriend and the common expectation that men who still live with their parents tend to be dealbreakers for women.

Her comments may be relative to the issue of becoming independent in every way.

After all, real independence is a huge step when taken. So big, that not everyone is necessarily ready for it.

You may know all of the good, the bad and the ugly about a turbulent coexistence with your mother. But if you choose to go your own way, to be aware of so many unknowns that can occur that you may have never experienced before. And that for some, it may overwhelm them. In going independent, you may well have little time to dwell on looking for or finding a mate.

Even in retirement, I sometimes chuckle- or cuss at all the work I have to do just to maintain my existence. That on occasion I find myself thinking, "Dayim, this is a full-time job!"

 

[Aspychata]

Surveys show that many young adults live with or moved back with mom/dad. This is just higher costs, rents are increasing, well-paying jobs are decreasing. So maybe it gets down to, do you want to live independently? At this stage of the game? Irrespective of finding your flame?

 

[Luca]

I can’t speak for everyone, but for me personally, a guy living with his parents would not be a dealbreaker. At least not unless he also had no drive or desire to do anything with his life. An adult living with his parents for financial reasons or disability-related would not be an issue for me.

I lived with my parents until I was 26, for financial and medical reasons, although I have been mostly self-sufficient for a long time. And I’m not a shining example of a mature adult either lol. But basically functional.

 

[tree]

@Markness "I got confused while talking to my therapist today."

What's the confusing part?

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Her comments may be relative to the issue of becoming independent in every way.

After all, real independence is a huge step when taken. So big, that not everyone is necessarily ready for it.

You may know all of the good, the bad and the ugly about a turbulent coexistence with your mother. But if you choose to go your own way, to be aware of so many unknowns that can occur that you may have never experienced before. And that for some, it may overwhelm them. In going independent, you may well have little time to dwell on looking for or finding a mate.

Even in retirement, I sometimes chuckle- or cuss at all the work I have to do just to maintain my existence. That on occasion I find myself thinking, "Dayim, this is a full-time job!"

Y'know, the older one gets the longer it takes, but, I hope that slope does not go to infinity anytime soon.

 

[Crysalis99]

I got confused while talking to my therapist today. I told her of the clashes my mother and I have been having in regards to me moving out. My therapist thinks maybe it’s not a good idea for me currently to move out because of my stress levels. I feel confused, though. She knows that I want a girlfriend and the common expectation that men who still live with their parents tend to be dealbreakers for women.

I lived with my parents the day before I got married, in fact the ex wife and I both lived with my parents. But my situation was certainly not the norm and in retrospect I was played by the in-laws but that’s a different story for a different time.

Also, I still heavily rely on my parents for A LOT. Financially and supportive. And I pay my own mortgage and living expenses but there’s a lot of “extra” stuff in life that is thrown at you when you are on your own that will throw you for a loop especially without the right plan/supports in place.

Life comes at us on the fly and we need to be prepared for contingencies. Just something to think about

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I think you need to embrace imperfection, just to give yourself some resilience as you stumble on your way to self sufficiency. It took me a couple of years to understand all that I needed to do, prepare for, and respond to. You will face frustrations and the fact that if something needs doing, you have got to do it yourself. Who likes housecleaning? And you will do lots of it (especially to impress a potential relationship). Then there is furnishing your place. Second-hand stores and Goodwill are your friends. I used my Uncle who knew where all the estate sales were and had a truck.

But, when you persevere and thrive, the upside is tremendous. The plusses are a positive self image and learning how to be positively assertive. And, if you haven't learned to cook by now you are going to eat a lot of experiments. A great, basic, cookbook is from Better Homes and Gardens. By taking the step to live independently you are demonstrating that you are capable of independently taking care of yourself, and that is a big plus in the dating game.

Think things through. And if you get out on your own, I want to send you the BH&G Cookbook. Gotta take my turn cooking, I'm making the BH&G meat pasta sauce substituting 1/2 Venison and 1/2 sweet Italian Sausage.

 

[Gerontius]

The thing with stress level-- how much is that being raised by clashes with your mother? Maybe going on your own would decrease stress. Date or no date it is still nice to be on your own, and you can always visit family too.

The therapist: did she mention that possibly you could have less stress on your own?

There is always a lot of stress though. Especially nowadays in cities.

 

[cornman]

I feel confused, though. She knows that I want a girlfriend and the common expectation that men who still live with their parents tend to be dealbreakers for women.

X=your therapist
example is from your thought prospective

X is my therapist.
X wants what is best for me as my therapist.
getting a girlfriend is whats best for me.
therefore, X should focus most of her attention on helping me with that objective first and foremost with other life goals being of secondary importance.

the confusion in your mind is thus

moving out will help me get a girlfriend
X will agree with this because it will help me reach my primary life goal
X does not agree with me
i am confused, it as if X does not want to help me reach my primary goal

She does want to help you reach your goals. Its just that you and her are probably not on the same page when it comes to what your primary life goal should be. It is true that moving out and having your own place may increase you chancing of acquiring a girlfriend. However, it would probably be at serious detriment to several other important aspects of your life. Moving out and becoming self sufficient shouldn't be taken lightly.

There would be many things that you would have to handle yourself (for the first time in your life) and it would put a huge burden on your psyche if you are suffering, stressed out and have other problems.

I don't know much about your situation, but it sounds like (from some of your other posts) you are in pain and struggle with other things in life. Your therapist probably believes these "other things" are of higher importance and i agree with her. I am in a similar situation as you except a little bit younger and without a job. I have never had a girlfriend in my life and the isolation that i experience everyday hurts me greatly. But focusing on those things will not help you get better. I know because iv fallen into this trap, one of my friends has too. Iv seen him almost drink himself to death over it. In my opinion there isn't a quick and easy way to numb this pain and focusing on it will simply make it worse for the time being.

So instead you should shift you attention to other things for now. Some examples that come to mind might be...

exercise
making friends
career advancement
exploring other aspects of life
improving social skills
implementing things learned in therapy etc...

if you continue to focus on the pain of being alone (not having a girlfriend etc) it will destroy your mind. You must heed the friendly words of your therapist and start making other things a higher priority. Plus If you focus on improving your life in a general sense (and not obsess on doing what you think is best to get a girlfriend) it will significantly improve your chances of actually getting a girlfriend. Ultimately, life improvement needs to come first.

 

[Suzette]

I agree with @Gerontius. Sometimes one stress is greater than another.
There will always be stress in life and there is no time that will ever be perfect. You just have to strive to balance one need with your other needs.

As far as a girlfriend goes though, if you live with your mom and a girl is turned off by this fact, then she really isn't the right girl for you is she?

I know it is tempting to think that if you are this way, or that way different from who are right now, your chances of sucess will improve. But that isn't really true.
Oh you might meet more people. This is true. But you won't meet more people that are actually right for you.
You will just neet more people who value common things and common ideas. But is that you? Will changing some irrelvant detail, like where you live, actually make you common? Probably not.
So, don't waste energy worrying about how a few people who like common things won't like you.

 

[Alexej]

HI and Welcome @cornman

Glad to have you with us.

 

[Kalinychta]

Re: your clashes with your mother about moving out: of what nature are they? Do you want to move out, or does she want you to move out, or both? I agree with @Gerontius that living on your own may decrease stress. Can you get a studio or one-bedroom apartment for now? You’d be amazed by how much independent living can boost your confidence and self-esteem. I know how difficult change is for autistic people, but you should ask your parents for help in that regard. Ask them to help you find a place.

 

[watersprite]

Right now you’re anchored to your mom. Point A. (Where you are now.)
And you are, you say, confused.
Your desire is to to be anchored to a girlfriend. Point B. (Stands for Girlfriend)

Maybe your therapist wants you to take steps that seem pointless to you, and confusing? Maybe they are valid points in between A and B thoigh, which would show her you’re at a strong enough place before tackling the task of your journey?

In our lives, whether we like it or not, going from point A to point B is not at all simple.

Ask your therapist what it is she believes is needed for that journey, & whether she is going to help you with it.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Re: your clashes with your mother about moving out: of what nature are they? Do you want to move out, or does she want you to move out, or both? I agree with @Gerontius that living on your own may decrease stress. Can you get a studio or one-bedroom apartment for now? You’d be amazed by how much independent living can boost your confidence and self-esteem. I know how difficult change is for autistic people, but you should ask your parents for help in that regard. Ask them to help you find a place.

Once you on your own you will not believe the freedom you will feel. making choices, beholden to no one but yourself.

 

[Kalinychta]

Once you on your own you will not believe the freedom you will feel. making choices, beholden to no one but yourself.

Absolutely. This should be Markness’s first step before he even thinks of anything else. If he’s able.

 

[Crysalis99]

Once you on your own you will not believe the freedom you will feel. making choices, beholden to no one but yourself.

And to piggyback, to quote Uncle Ben, "With great power comes great responsibility." Freedom can be a catch-22. The first time I was on my own (18 and two hours away from home at college), I was not ready for it (despite how badly I enjoyed the independence). I crashed and burned and learned some hard lessons before I did move back home to my parents.

 

[iamlindsaythatisall]

I got confused while talking to my therapist today. I told her of the clashes my mother and I have been having in regards to me moving out. My therapist thinks maybe it’s not a good idea for me currently to move out because of my stress levels. I feel confused, though. She knows that I want a girlfriend and the common expectation that men who still live with their parents tend to be dealbreakers for women.

Living on your own is extremely stressful... it's really important to know when you're ready. I think people are a lot more understanding nowadays, especially due to the current economy.

It sounds like your therapist wants you to do some self-healing before making such a huge step. It's easy to lose your footing on the journey to independence. Sometimes it's best to take things slow.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Reading all these responses, and seeing some of your stresses that you have discussed, I think for you to gain independence, with the proper coaching, could be a net positive, @Markness . Discuss with your therapist how to prepare for the different stresses that you will encounter. Plus, I'll be honest, living independently can exacerbate feelings of loneliness. And, that will either make or break you. Regardless, living independently can be as life altering as a successful intimate relationship.

When I was finally out on my own with my first job, I was OK being alone, but wanted more. I knew that my loneliness was strong when my Friday nights were spent alone watching the Muppet Show. Fed up with myself, I embarked on being more social at work and finding different opportunities to meet people. My independence gave me greater confidence for all of this, but it took three years and a bit of practice and learning before things fell into place and I met my spouse. I've said this before but I think we were destined to meet by the red string of fate.

 

[Fino]

Does your therapist foresee your stress decreasing? If your stress is expected to maintain its current levels approximately then there's no time like the present to move out.