Confused

[Nancydrew]

A few years ago I met and fell in love with someone who I suspect had Asperger’s syndrome although he never came out and said he had it so we never discussed it. We met almost 3 years ago at work and while I was immediately attracted to him I didn’t initially think we’d hit it off because he was kind of tough to get to know. As time went on we became good friends and although things were never physical and we were never dating I did fall romantically in love with him. I used to be really insecure and didn’t have much confidence so I never wanted to bring up my feelings because in my mind there was no point and he would never be interested in someone like me. I was never up front with my feelings but I did something that was really unfair and held him to boyfriend expectations. I’d get jealous of other girls we work with, get mad when I didn’t think I was getting enough attention, and be over all demanding and difficult. I could go on and on about my regret and shame over the way I acted. Anyway the friendship got complicated because like I said we weren’t dating and I don’t think he ever wanted to date me but he did let the lines blur. He would treat me like a princess and give me his full attention. He was supportive and encouraging and always told me how I was smart and could all the things I wanted to do. He would tell me I made him a better person and made him more in touch with his emotional side and made him think about things he didn’t normally think about. He’d buy me jewelry as gifts and when I’d hold his hand he’d let me. Then about a year ago he just disappeared on me. He kind of went stopped responding to text messages and phone calls and by this time we weren’t working together or even living in the same time. Eventually he did tell me that he had a lot going on with work and felt like he couldn’t have a personal life. He apologized for not saying something sooner but said that he “didn’t like talking about stuff” and that he had typed a couple responses to me but didn’t know what to say. I replied back and suggests we take some time apart and reconnect when we were both in a better place. After that we didn’t talk for a couple weeks and then when we did talk on a work call I asked how he was doing and if he needed anything and he just said that he still needed space. Its been almost a year and I did reach out a couple times the first 6-8 months we were apart and asked for some sort of an explanation and he’s never been able to give me one. He just ignores my texts when I ask. I haven’t said anything recently since it wasn’t productive in the past but I still struggle with not having an explanation and trying to answer all the unknowns.

Prior to this happening there was no big event that happened like a disagreement or anything. The only notable things that happened was that he was put in what had to be an awkward position at a work meeting when he was asked in front of a lot of people (incl important board members) about a rumor that we were dating. He told me about it and I got immediately defensive and went on a rant about how people thinking we were dating was ridiculous because why would be dating and other people had no right to talk crap about me and I was offended. I feel bad because I reacted that way because I was embarrassed and felt like everyone knew my secret that I loved him and everyone knew he was way too good for me and everyone was laughing at my expense. That’s why I reacted that way, not because I thought there was anything shameful about being associated with him or dating him. If I had been lucky enough to have someone like him actually reciprocate those feelings I would have been so proud and would have wanted to tell everyone. The second thing that happened was that I did get a little pushy about feeling like I did most of the initiating and started conversations and made plans more than he did, but this wasn’t a fight, I wasn’t rude, and it also wasn’t the first time we had brouched the subject.

Her are my questions that I would love to get opinions on from people with aspergers or close to people with aspergers:

1) why did he choose to end things so abruptly? Do you think it was something I did or do you think he just honestly had personal stuff going on and didn’t have the time and attention to devote to a close friendship? And why is it so hard for him to have been honest and tell me about it?

2) I don’t think he had romantic feelings for me, but why did he let me hold his hand and act like a jealous girlfriend? And why did he buy me jewelry? Did he honestly not know that jewelry is not an appropriate gift between male and female friends who are just friends?

Obviously I know no one can speak for him and magically know what he was thinking but opinions are welcome.

 

[Bolletje]

1) You’ll have to ask him, we can only speculate.
Could be that he really did have a lot going on and stopped responding when you couldn’t give him the space he needed.
Could be that he was tired of you acting like a jealous girlfriend when you weren’t even dating.
Could be that he was hurt over how you responded to the rumors of the two of you dating.
Could be all of those things, could be none of them, he’s the only one that knows the answer.

2) If you think jewelry is inappropriate in a platonic friendship, you shouldn’t have accepted it. I personally don’t think there’s anything inappropriate about giving jewelry to a friend, nor is holding hands with a friend.
I do think it’s problematic when you perceive these actions as confirmation of possible romantic feelings, without acting on it. When you’re getting increasingly frustrated, and acting out, it’s entirely possible he picked up on that without knowing why. That’s something that could cause me to distance myself. But, again, this is all speculation. Every Aspie is different and he’s the only one that knows his motives.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

1) You’ll have to ask him, we can only speculate

Another one sorted.

But this also leads me into thinking of the NT approach, which is the social approach to problems.

Ie we have lots of posts in similar circumstances.

The one commonality amongst all of them is :

They all ask other people to help analyse their significant other.

 

[Juliettaa]

Her are my questions that I would love to get opinions on from people with aspergers or close to people with aspergers:

1) why did he choose to end things so abruptly? Do you think it was something I did or do you think he just honestly had personal stuff going on and didn’t have the time and attention to devote to a close friendship? And why is it so hard for him to have been honest and tell me about it?

2) I don’t think he had romantic feelings for me, but why did he let me hold his hand and act like a jealous girlfriend? And why did he buy me jewelry? Did he honestly not know that jewelry is not an appropriate gift between male and female friends who are just friends?

Obviously I know no one can speak for him and magically know what he was thinking but opinions are welcome.

Hello and welcome.

1) Only he can answer that question.

2) There's a couple of questions in point 2 - re: allowing you to to hold his hand and you act like a jealous girlfriend? He he allowed you to hold his hand, friends do that, it's standard. You chose to behave like a jealous girlfriend, he wouldn't have any control on how you act and he may not even have been aware of your jealousy. Even if he were aware, what could he do to control your feelings?

Your second questions within number 2 re: jewellery. People are allowed to give gifts, there doesn't have to be any specific meaning behind any gift. If you didn't think the jewellery item was appropriate, why did you accept it?

I mean this in the nicest possible way, but you sound like hard work.

 

[Thinx]

Yes I do think it sounds like you'd be better off dating a neurotypical person who may be better able to interpret your reactions which do sound confusing. Also maybe you could work on all this in therapy? In the end what's most important is our own understanding of who we are and what we need, and it does sound as if you are confused about that. I hope you find some useful answers, and can move on from this confusing time.

 

[pjcnet]

Firstly feeling jealous is an instinctive human emotion that we all feel if we are attracted to someone when there's potentially other competition and it's not something to be ashamed of, both sexes can often feel jealously, but sometimes men can feel it even more because in nature the male often competes with other males in order to mate and sometimes things can even become violent in a cruel world of survival of the fittest. We as human beings are often able to override many of our instinctive behaviours, some people are better at controlling and covering up jealously than others, but we can all still feel it. He may or may not have noticed any jealously, but if he did it may not have even bothered him, in fact he may even have somewhat liked it because it showed that you were interested in him.

It's difficult to be certain as to why he suddenly needed space and I can only make calculated guesses and assumptions without knowing him personally, but if he truly is autistic there a fair chance he did and probably still does really like you romantically, but is unable to show these emotions properly and even if you asked him, he probably still wouldn't admit it even if he wanted to. He probably bought you jewellery for a number of reasons, one was to please you, another was probably because he was worried about losing you and finally he most probably hoped you will get the hint and make all the necessary moves on him because he is unable to, but even if you did he may react in a negative manner as if he's not interested (he may still be glad you did however, even though he could be cursing himself for his reaction). When I was younger there was a few occasions where I've really liked someone, but I've been unable to show her any sign of affection even when she made it blatantly obvious that she liked me, I would curse myself for not being able to do anything, often losing sleep, rehearsing what I would say to her to let her know my true feelings, but when she was there I never could and I could even be so overwhelmed that I'd seize up and sometimes walk away like I was not interested in any way what-so-ever. After a while I've been very hurt because she finally gave up on me believing that I truly wasn't interested. As I got older this became a little easier, but I still ended up becoming friends with a couple of women I truly liked romantically over the years and I never admitted my true feelings while covering them up, it was much easier for me to make out I only wanted friendship and wasn't interested in anything else even though I was, but unfortunately I found out the hard way that if I always only showed that I wanted to be friends with a women, that's all that would ever normally happen and if I left it too long she'd often always treat me that way.

I suspect he couldn't handle it when your possible relationship was brought up in front of other people, I definitely couldn't handle talking about something like this in front of people who I knew well. This alone probably wouldn't have upset him in the long term although he could obsess over not showing anything is going on in front of them even more, but defending yourself saying that nothing was going on most likely did. Autistic people often take things very literally and he could have easily taken this as your true feelings, it could have hurt him like a very harsh rejection and now he is unable to face you. He may also have a very low confidence too, constantly needing proof that someone truly likes him, often believing that it's not possible, I've had this and I've lost people this way too. Now he probably believes that you only ever really want friendship and will never ever be interested in him in any other way and he can't handle it. If this is the case then I'm sorry and it's truly not your fault. Perhaps you could reach out to him in a letter and explain how you feel, but please be very patient with him.

Best of luck!

(Edit: 3 minor grammar corrections.)

 

[Dorkasour]

I think that NTs we possibly misinterpret a lot of actions Aspies take as we have all this messages society provides to us that make dating and relationships very very confusing.
For example I've given many gifts to friends and they thought i was flirting. I don't blame them. Why would they think differently?

He seems fairly literal to me so he might be honest. He just needs space. Maybe he is easily overwhelmed. Maybe this...maybe that.

All you can do is ask. I think with anyone, NT or Aspie, he is thinking about what he needs to do for himself before other people. Self care is really important in having a relationship with oneself or other people.

If he doesn't answer maybe you're better off without him? Maybe think about what you want? Are you ok with him coming back years later? Like him I think it's important to step back and think about what you want out of life and for yourself.

Also I don't understand what's wrong with why she is asking these questions. There are many posts over Aspie's not understanding NT women. I think it's fair that she can ask and get a opinion from Aspies.

 

[AO1501]

Also I don't understand what's wrong with why she is asking these questions. There are many posts over Aspie's not understanding NT women. I think it's fair that she can ask and get a opinion from Aspies.

Agree absolutely. Some responses seem rather odd to me.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Also I don't understand what's wrong with why she is asking these questions. There are many posts over Aspie's not understanding NT women. I think it's fair that she can ask and get a opinion from Aspies

Who said there was anything wrong?

 

[AO1501]

Her are my questions that I would love to get opinions on from people with aspergers or close to people with aspergers:

1) why did he choose to end things so abruptly? Do you think it was something I did or do you think he just honestly had personal stuff going on and didn’t have the time and attention to devote to a close friendship? And why is it so hard for him to have been honest and tell me about it?

2) I don’t think he had romantic feelings for me, but why did he let me hold his hand and act like a jealous girlfriend? And why did he buy me jewelry? Did he honestly not know that jewelry is not an appropriate gift between male and female friends who are just friends?

1) The first thing to say is that Aspies typically are a bit abrupt. Or at least I think we can be seen as such. We're rather black and white, so if, in your case, you moved in his mind out of his 'like' box, the logical step then is to simply 'switch you off'. You mattered, then you didn't. That may sound rather unflattering, and may not represent at all the idea of you he had when you were in his like box, but it may well have been that he was waiting for you approach him because he could tell you liked him and wanted to take that further.

You might ask why didn't he do anything about it himself? I looks to me like he did - he told you that you made him a better person, and perhaps expected that would get you to reach out in direct terms to him. You didn't, which could well have confirmed his fear that he had mistaken your signals that he took as interest in him, and were not interested in anything but a bit of conversation instead.

Of course he may not have been interested in you at all, but from your description it sounds like he was. However, you were never direct with him, and that is what we need. We can't read between the lines or interpret what you mean, we listen to what you say, and the words are what we take your meaning from. The absence of that directness would, by my guess, be why he decided you did not like him 'that way', and led him to take you out of the like box.

Given that you were never direct with him, and indeed that to all intents and purposes you were the cause of some turmoil at work, he likely didn't think there was any reason to give you an honest explanation. And what was he going to say, 'I liked you and you didn't like me, so I gave up'?!

2) I think it is fairly clear he did like you, and may well have had quite strong feelings for you. That would be why he gave you jewelry and let you hold his hand and act like a jealous girlfriend - though that latter bit probably just confused him.

If I put myself in that situation - acknowledging that just because I'm an Aspie doesn't mean he and I are anything like the same - I would be mentally begging you to say 'Hey, look, I really like you, why don't you stop dating all those others, and take me out instead'. I wouldn't say anything directly to you because I am emotionally insecure with my ability to judge how other people, you in this instance, feel, so my gestures, particularly holding your hand, would have to do my talking for me. So if there is any chance I might have judged your interest wrong, I dare not be direct because you might say 'no'.

Ultimately, that isn't an Aspie thing so much as a fairly basic insecurity, albeit rather magnified by a typical Aspie trait of poor emotional judgment.

 

[SusanLR]

From my personal way of reacting to a situation like this
I know I never make the first move and feel very insecure in expressing romantic feelings to someone.
I want to say things that I feel, but ponder over and over in my head what to say and end up saying nothing.
I try to act caring and not aloof or distant, but, when it comes to words I just hope the other person will make the first display or words of how they feel.
If they don't, I realise I may lose a possible relationship,
but rather than stumble all over the words, it is a chance
I take.

Secondly regarding gifts.
Gifting is the way I do show affection.
Whether it is family, friend or someone I have romantic feelings for. That is my way of saying I love you.
I have heard other Aspies say the same.

As far as needing space, that is a very necessary thing for me in a relationship. I am not impulsive over anything in life. I need to have a course of steps from point A to point B. If I feel something is amiss, then yes I definately need space. Again this is something that involves explaining to the other and my wording may come out very flat or be interpreted as suddenly cold when it isn't.
It isn't easy for an NT to understand us and unless they are a very patient person they tend not to put up with
our ways and move on.
But if someone asks about an issue, I will give a direct and truthful answer.
If your at the point of losing this person and you don't want to...make the first move and ask specific questions.
To me hand holding would be a first move since expressing through touch is something I only allow from someone I feel close to.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Gifting is the way I do show affection.
Whether it is family, friend or someone I have romantic feelings for. That is my way of saying I love you.

Ooh, where's my present?

 

[SusanLR]

Ooh, where's my present?

Ha. What would you like an onion or a spud?

 

[Nancydrew]

1) You’ll have to ask him, we can only speculate.
Could be that he really did have a lot going on and stopped responding when you couldn’t give him the space he needed.
Could be that he was tired of you acting like a jealous girlfriend when you weren’t even dating.
Could be that he was hurt over how you responded to the rumors of the two of you dating.
Could be all of those things, could be none of them, he’s the only one that knows the answer.

2) If you think jewelry is inappropriate in a platonic friendship, you shouldn’t have accepted it. I personally don’t think there’s anything inappropriate about giving jewelry to a friend, nor is holding hands with a friend.
I do think it’s problematic when you perceive these actions as confirmation of possible romantic feelings, without acting on it. When you’re getting increasingly frustrated, and acting out, it’s entirely possible he picked up on that without knowing why. That’s something that could cause me to distance myself. But, again, this is all speculation. Every Aspie is different and he’s the only one that knows his motives.

Thank y
[QUOTE="Juliettaa, post: 492907, member: 19249"I mean this in the nicest possible way, but you sound like hard work.[/QUOTE]

I don’t deny that I was hard work, and I’m not proud of that. I look back on so much that I said or did and am really embarrassed by how I acted. There’s no pride in things I’ve said and done that were not kind, but know that it wasn’t always like that. Just like everyone else I have a softer side too. I loved him very much and still do and I did and said things that were caring and loving and wasn’t just crazy and exhausting all the time. I’ve spent a lot of time in therapy since then working on my personal issues with self esteem and abandonment issues that lead me to act in the manner I did.

 

[Nancydrew]

Thank you for the insight.

If I could go back in time I would have said something to him about how I was feeling. I made a lot of excuses for why I didn’t. I said we worked together and I was his boss and saying something would cross a line. I said that I just wasn’t ready or that it wasn’t the right time. The truth is that I was scared. I thought so highly of him and in my head he was too good for me and the thought that someone like him could ever like someone like me was just absurd. I loved spending time with him and I loved how special he made me feel and I was afraid that if I said something and he didn’t feel the same way we wouldn’t be able to stay friends even and I didn’t want to loose him. Plus I thought the way that I felt was so obvious that he had to know and if he didn’t act on it then he must not have been interested. I’ve not had much experience with dating because I focused so much on my career that I never made time for it. And now as an adult I feel behind.

Anyway long story short I look back now and see that living in this in between where I treated him like a boyfriend when he wasn’t and allowed lines to be blurred wasn’t a good idea either and was never going to lend itself to us ever getting everything out in the open.

 

[Nancydrew]

1) The first thing to say is that Aspies typically are a bit abrupt. Or at least I think we can be seen as such. We're rather black and white, so if, in your case, you moved in his mind out of his 'like' box, the logical step then is to simply 'switch you off'. You mattered, then you didn't. That may sound rather unflattering, and may not represent at all the idea of you he had when you were in his like box, but it may well have been that he was waiting for you approach him because he could tell you liked him and wanted to take that further.

You might ask why didn't he do anything about it himself? I looks to me like he did - he told you that you made him a better person, and perhaps expected that would get you to reach out in direct terms to him. You didn't, which could well have confirmed his fear that he had mistaken your signals that he took as interest in him, and were not interested in anything but a bit of conversation instead.

Of course he may not have been interested in you at all, but from your description it sounds like he was. However, you were never direct with him, and that is what we need. We can't read between the lines or interpret what you mean, we listen to what you say, and the words are what we take your meaning from. The absence of that directness would, by my guess, be why he decided you did not like him 'that way', and led him to take you out of the like box.

Given that you were never direct with him, and indeed that to all intents and purposes you were the cause of some turmoil at work, he likely didn't think there was any reason to give you an honest explanation. And what was he going to say, 'I liked you and you didn't like me, so I gave up'?!

2) I think it is fairly clear he did like you, and may well have had quite strong feelings for you. That would be why he gave you jewelry and let you hold his hand and act like a jealous girlfriend - though that latter bit probably just confused him.

If I put myself in that situation - acknowledging that just because I'm an Aspie doesn't mean he and I are anything like the same - I would be mentally begging you to say 'Hey, look, I really like you, why don't you stop dating all those others, and take me out instead'. I wouldn't say anything directly to you because I am emotionally insecure with my ability to judge how other people, you in this instance, feel, so my gestures, particularly holding your hand, would have to do my talking for me. So if there is any chance I might have judged your interest wrong, I dare not be direct because you might say 'no'.

Ultimately, that isn't an Aspie thing so much as a fairly basic insecurity, albeit rather magnified by a typical Aspie trait of poor emotional judgment.

Thanks! Your response helped. Funny thing is I thought I was the one mentally begging him to say something to me. I’ve done a lot of research and the more I learn about Aspergers and autism in general the more I’m convinced that everything I thought was so obvious may not have been obvious to him. And looking back a lot of the advice I got from people was that they thought he maybe liked me but also thought he didn’t know what to do about it and that I would need to make the first move. I really wish I did. I almost tried to kiss him a couple times but was always too scared to make a move. Us NT’s can also be shy and insecure and when your insecure you don’t always read things well either. Anytime I thought maybe he liked me there was a voice in my head that said “no that’s stupid. Your not pretty enough or smart enough or whatever enough”

 

[Nancydrew]

I think that NTs we possibly misinterpret a lot of actions Aspies take as we have all this messages society provides to us that make dating and relationships very very confusing.
For example I've given many gifts to friends and they thought i was flirting. I don't blame them. Why would they think differently?

He seems fairly literal to me so he might be honest. He just needs space. Maybe he is easily overwhelmed. Maybe this...maybe that.

All you can do is ask. I think with anyone, NT or Aspie, he is thinking about what he needs to do for himself before other people. Self care is really important in having a relationship with oneself or other people.

If he doesn't answer maybe you're better off without him? Maybe think about what you want? Are you ok with him coming back years later? Like him I think it's important to step back and think about what you want out of life and for yourself.

Also I don't understand what's wrong with why she is asking these questions. There are many posts over Aspie's not understanding NT women. I think it's fair that she can ask and get a opinion from Aspies.

Thank you for this.

I haven’t reached out in awhile because I wanted to back off and give him the space he asked for. I often think about reaching back out but I don’t want to do that until I’m in a better place personally. I agree with what you said about self care and thinking about what I want. I’ve been in therapy and on antidepressant for almost a year now. I’ve also been getting some things together with my health and my finances. I want to be a more together and stable person for myself, but I also recognized that if I was ever going to be a good person for other people (not just potential boyfriends but also a good friend, good daughter, good sister) I needed to learn to be good to myself and know who I I am. So long story short I want to reach back out sometime, but I also think Im not done working on myself and maybe I need to date some other people to make sure that what I feel for him is real.

 

[Nancydrew]

Agree absolutely. Some responses seem rather odd to me.

Thanks for that! I appreciate your understanding of wh I’m on here trying to gain insight. I think when you really care about someone you try to do what you can to make an effort to understand them so that you can be better in your

 

[Nancydrew]

Thanks for that! I appreciate your understanding of wh I’m on here trying to gain insight. I think when you really care about someone you try to do what you can to make an effort to understand them so that you can be better in your

Sorry I dropped my phone and that was super jumbled! Anyway thanks for the support of me asking questions!

 

[Nancydrew]

Firstly feeling jealous is an instinctive human emotion that we all feel if we are attracted to someone when there's potentially other competition and it's not something to be ashamed of, both sexes can often feel jealously, but sometimes men can feel it even more because in nature the male often competes with other males in order to mate and sometimes things can even become violent in a cruel world of survival of the fittest. We as human beings are often able to override many of our instinctive behaviours, some people are better at controlling and covering up jealously than others, but we can all still feel it. He may or may not have noticed any jealously, but if he did it may not have even bothered him, in fact he may even have somewhat liked it because it showed that you were interested in him.

It's difficult to be certain as to why he suddenly needed space and I can only make calculated guesses and assumptions without knowing him personally, but if he truly is autistic there a fair chance he did and probably still does really like you romantically, but is unable to show these emotions properly and even if you asked him, he probably still wouldn't admit it even if he wanted to. He probably bought you jewellery for a number of reasons, one was to please you, another was probably because he was worried about losing you and finally he most probably hoped you will get the hint and make all the necessary moves on him because he is unable to, but even if you did he may react in a negative manner as if he's not interested (he'd may still be glad you did however, even though he could be cursing himself for his reaction). When I was younger there was a few occasions where I've really liked someone, but I've been unable to show her any sign of affection even when she made it blatantly obvious that she liked me, I would curse myself for not being able to do anything, often losing sleep, rehearsing what I would say to her to let her know my true feelings, but when she was there I never could and I could even be so overwhelmed that I'd seize up and sometimes walk away like I was not interested in any way what-so-ever. After a while I've been very hurt because she finally gave up on me believing that I truly wasn't interested. As I got older this became a little easier, but I still ended up becoming friends with a couple of women I truly liked romantically over the years and I never admitted my true feelings while covering them up, it was much easier for me to make out I only wanted friendship and wasn't interested in anything else even though I was, but unfortunately I found out the hard way that if I always only showed that I wanted to be friends with a women, that's all that would ever normally happen and if I left it too long she'd often always treat me that way.

I suspect he couldn't handle it when your possible relationship was brought up in front of other people, I definitely couldn't handle talking about something like this in front of people who I knew well. This alone probably wouldn't have upset him in the long term although he could obsesses over not showing anything is going on in front of them even more, but defending yourself saying that nothing was going on most likely did. Autistic people often take things very literally and he could have easily taken this as your true feelings, it could have hurt him like a very harsh rejection and now he is unable to face you. He may also have a very low confidence too, constantly needed proof that someone truly likes him, often believing that it's not possible, I've had this and I've lost people this way too. Now he probably believes that you only ever really want friendship and will never ever be interested in him in any other way and he can't handle it. If this is the case then I'm sorry and it's truly not your fault. Perhaps you could reach out to him in a letter and explain how you feel, but please be very patient with him.

Best of luck!

Thank you so much for your response. Yours was my favorite.

As far as being patient I will be. I don’t want to make him uncomfortable, and I don’t want to pine over somone who doesn’t want me, but if I think there’s even the slightest chance he does then I’ll stick it out through whatever challenges come our way. I’ll be patient and do everything I can to be understanding .