Constantly Obsessing Over and Analyzing Conversations - Mostly When Meeting Someone New

[chris87]

I don't know how to explain this, but I have a terrible habit of rehashing conversations that I've had with someone, especially when it's a new person. It starts with me obsessing and analyzing everything that I've said, and then I feel like maybe I should have responded differently or answered in a slightly different manner. It ends up affecting my mood, because instead of enjoying the interaction, I can't stop obsessing about it. I don't really know the root of the issue. I think it's a desire to seem normal, and I worry that I messed up and the person has a lesser opinion of me. It's hard to explain. Can anyone relate at all?

 

[NB79]

I have photographic memory, which fights with normal loss of memory because some issues i have, and i can remember details about conversations from years ago, but sometimes forget lol something of today for not paying attention, and i too like to remember conversations and analyze them.

 

[MNAus]

I've mentioned similar in the past, but my theory is that some people on the spectrum are highly sensitive to emotion in the same way as some can be to sensory input (e.g. smell sensitivity). It's not that we have stronger reactions, but we actually sense emotional input at a higher "volume". My kid got an award at school recently. You could see her gasping for breath at the front as the emotions pummelled her. I asked her if she found getting the award positive, and she said she did, but she proceeded to fall asleep for a couple of hours after.

So I think this has a profound impact on us. Change, with the possibility of negative outcomes, becomes a very real threat scenario. Emotions like guilt and regret can hurt. And one of the big ones is embarrassment. Embarrassment can cause us to relive situations from decades past and still feel shame intently. And it causes us to analyse interactions, feeling uneasy as a lot of social protocol doesn't come naturally, to find the source of that niggle or to give ourselves peace of mind that we did ok.

I wish I knew how to tackle it. My life has already been compromised, but my youngest really struggles with it. I don't know how to help me, you or him

 

[Judge]

Oh yes....something that happens well after the fact. Analyzing what was or wasn't said.

I suspect any number of us can relate to this.

 

[Au Naturel]

I don't know how to explain this, but I have a terrible habit of rehashing conversations that I've had with someone, especially when it's a new person. It starts with me obsessing and analyzing everything that I've said, and then I feel like maybe I should have responded differently or answered in a slightly different manner. It ends up affecting my mood, because instead of enjoying the interaction, I can't stop obsessing about it. I don't really know the root of the issue. I think it's a desire to seem normal, and I worry that I messed up and the person has a lesser opinion of me. It's hard to explain. Can anyone relate at all?

That's because you are worried about how you come across. Unfortunately, this sort of thing never leads to identifying mistakes you can learn from. Everything becomes vague and uncertain since you don't know what is inside their head.

NTs often do this but to a lesser degree. Most NT conversations are meaningless, so they don't care so much if they make mistakes. If the person takes something you said the wrong way, it just isn't something you could have known in advance. NTs watch each other's faces, body language, vocal cadence, and intonation and adjust on the fly from one sentence to the next. I suppose the best thing to do is to accept that you'll probably never know, let it go, and move on.

That is a very difficult lesson to learn. I've worked on it for decades. Still a work in progress.

 

[Aspychata]

I can so relate to this. Finally at some point, l simply stopped caring how l come across. I do need to filter my comments when tired, ifl l stay on top of that, l am okay. But yes, l obsessively ran conversations over and over up to age 40. Glad l let go of that annoying habit.

 

[All-Rounder]

Yes. Why do you think I keep editing what I wrote a thousand times? It's never good enough. But I love perfecting it, in text at least, in rl can be challenging.

Sometimes I slightly care about what it sounds like, most times it needs to be accurate, complete and understandable. At least understandable from my autistic point of view

I do better 1 on 1, in a crowd I don't have enough time for my turn.

 

[Kavigant]

I can definitely relate. I sometimes go back to people to clarify something I said weeks or months in the past, and they almost never even remember the conversation I'm talking about.

 

[brandybild]

I think most of us here can relate to re-hashing and wondering: Did I come across ok? It does get easier as you get older, and as someone before me noted, at about age 40 or so you simply stop caring. You do what you can do, and do it the best you can, and that's the end of it. So good luck! I doubt there is much you can do about the re-hashing other than to remind yourself it is indeed pointless as you only have access to one side of the conversation (yours) and will not know what the other person has been thinking.