Continuous Struggle

[merithra]

I hope things can improve within your situation, you will always have a place on here to talk about how you feel - if it helps, I was in a situation just like yours, I was locked inside for 21 years of my life unless there was a necessity involved and heavily under mind control but I managed to construct a plan to escape my situation and now I am living hundreds of miles away from the people responsible. I am not saying you should do the same, but I am sure you can make the necessary changes to make things slightly better within your situation. Things take time sometimes; you acknowledge the year wasn't particularly good, but you may be able to turn that around within 2023 and I am honestly rooting for you as someone who was in a similar situation. Slow progress is still progress nonetheless and I believe in you. I hope things can get better; I am rooting for you.

 

[Owliet]

I really don’t think it is conducive for you that you measure your success with other people and have the need to carry some internal clock for what things you should have achieved by this amount of time. Last year was a really different place for me, and I started off the year having some crazy plans of what I wanted to achieve by the end of the year — I achieved only a small handful of them. I didn’t have a friendship. I didn’t have a girlfriend. I didn’t continue to learn piano. I didn’t overhaul my lifestyle to be more active. I didnt stop self harming. However, I DID complete a course, I did get a job (only for the year but still), and I picked up my hobby again after becoming lost during the pandemic lockdowns. This year, I still don’t have a friendship. I still don^t have a girlfriend. I still haven’t picked up the piano again. I ended my contract but became depressed, and I’m doing some temp work at the moment, but I am becoming more active…self harming is a work in progress…and I feel more centred because the things that I dont have may happen but you have to think about the things that you have achieved. And even if it doesn’t feel like it, you have achieved a lot.

My mom is quite similar to yours, I think with comparing and contrasting me with others, and certain aspects of my life she can be controlling with. I love my mom But I’m under no illusion anymore. I know what’s best for me, and you should know what is best for you. Focus on the things that You have done. You’ve started a course. You’re doing well in. And creative writing is not easy. You can drive, attend more social events, probably approach more people than I do, and you push yourself to go out (I wish I could find the courage to do that).

Next year, perhaps you will learn Spanisch or you will do something else entirely. It is something to realize that life is full of unexpected surprises — both unpleasant and the pleasant and we can’t really make a solid plan or have expectations. As for your physical health — change your diet to include more vegetables and fruits and pick up a physical activity that you^ll enjoy (see, I still haven’t joined the badminton group that I was going to at the beginning of this year but I have started jogging again, so maybe next year). It will help your mental health and give you something to do and get out of the house away from your mom for a bit. Even if it’s just going for long walks, you can take your headphones and listen to music or podcasts or something. And if your therapist isn’t helping you make progress, get another one.

I have more people who hate me as well as not wishing for me to have a girlfriend on this forum

You need to stop with that thought process. No one hates you here. Some may get frustrated with you but I have seen their arguments about that and I agree with them. It is most importantly you need to work on yourself. A girlfriend won’t magically solve everything that is wrong and if you do have the misfortune of meeting one of those manipulative toxic ones, they will make your life hell and make it worse for you. You don’t want that. They are very quick to pick up on vulnerable people and love bomb you into thinking that you need them and then you’ll be entirely dependent and miserable with them. Its one of the reasons why I am not even considering dating at the moment, despite feeling lost at times, I know that if I get into a relationship with someone who make its worse for me, it will do more damage.Might be hard for you to understand, and you may take it like I don’t want you to be in a relationship which is not what I am saying. I dont want you to be in one that is toxic and detrimental for you Because that honey moon period will wear off.

 

[Knower of nothing]

What was your best year like?

 

[Luca]

I hope things can improve within your situation, you will always have a place on here to talk about how you feel - if it helps, I was in a situation just like yours, I was locked inside for 21 years of my life unless there was a necessity involved and heavily under mind control but I managed to construct a plan to escape my situation and now I am living hundreds of miles away from the people responsible. I am not saying you should do the same, but I am sure you can make the necessary changes to make things slightly better within your situation. Things take time sometimes; you acknowledge the year wasn't particularly good, but you may be able to turn that around within 2023 and I am honestly rooting for you as someone who was in a similar situation. Slow progress is still progress nonetheless and I believe in you. I hope things can get better; I am rooting for you.

I'm so sorry this happened! I have very deep sympathy for people who have been in this situation

I was also held captive as a child and denied contact with the outside world. I was not even allowed to watch TV or read books unless it was heavily censored/regulated by my abusers, and wasn't allowed internet access or a phone, if I wanted to make a phone call I had a monitored 5-minute call on a pay phone, and was only allowed to speak to very specific people. If I mentioned anything about the abuse or said I wasn't happy during the phone call, they told me I had to say I was lying or they would torture me again.

But eventually I was able to escape as well, and I'm also living very far away from my abusers and don't even know if they're still alive (I hope they're not.)

I'm glad you were also able to escape and I hope you are healing from what happened to you (even though I know from personal experience that healing from it is a long journey and can plateau or regress at times. Like you said, slow progress is still progress!)
You are among friendly people on this forum and you can share as much (or as little) as you wish, and we will try to help and support you. I know I feel a lot stronger having these people in my corner.
We are survivors. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

...

@Markness I believe in you too. This year was full of massive ups and downs for me as well and I'm still fighting the urge to give up, but I'm winning the fight. I know from my conversations with you that you are a lot stronger than you think you are (and than other people think you are.) You will get through this.
I am taking everything one day, one hour, and one minute at a time, and you should too. It's the only way to climb over these roadblocks.

 

[merithra]

I'm so sorry this happened! I have very deep sympathy for people who have been in this situation

I was also held captive as a child and denied contact with the outside world. I was not even allowed to watch TV or read books unless it was heavily censored/regulated by my abusers, and wasn't allowed internet access or a phone, if I wanted to make a phone call I had a monitored 5-minute call on a pay phone, and was only allowed to speak to very specific people. If I mentioned anything about the abuse or said I wasn't happy during the phone call, they told me I had to say I was lying or they would torture me again.

But eventually I was able to escape as well, and I'm also living very far away from my abusers and don't even know if they're still alive (I hope they're not.)

I'm glad you were also able to escape and I hope you are healing from what happened to you (even though I know from personal experience that healing from it is a long journey and can plateau or regress at times. Like you said, slow progress is still progress!)
You are among friendly people on this forum and you can share as much (or as little) as you wish, and we will try to help and support you. I know I feel a lot stronger having these people in my corner.
We are survivors. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

...

@Markness I believe in you too. This year was full of massive ups and downs for me as well and I'm still fighting the urge to give up, but I'm winning the fight. I know from my conversations with you that you are a lot stronger than you think you are (and than other people think you are.) You will get through this.
I am taking everything one day, one hour, and one minute at a time, and you should too. It's the only way to climb over these roadblocks.

thank you, I am sorry you went through this. Healing sure is a difficult and time consuming process but it is interesting to see the things pick up as a result of the abuse that you hadn't noticed before, thankfully I am a lot better now. Thank you.

 

[Owliet]

I'm so sorry this happened! I have very deep sympathy for people who have been in this situation

I was also held captive as a child and denied contact with the outside world. I was not even allowed to watch TV or read books unless it was heavily censored/regulated by my abusers, and wasn't allowed internet access or a phone, if I wanted to make a phone call I had a monitored 5-minute call on a pay phone, and was only allowed to speak to very specific people. If I mentioned anything about the abuse or said I wasn't happy during the phone call, they told me I had to say I was lying or they would torture me again.

But eventually I was able to escape as well, and I'm also living very far away from my abusers and don't even know if they're still alive (I hope they're not.)

I'm glad you were also able to escape and I hope you are healing from what happened to you (even though I know from personal experience that healing from it is a long journey and can plateau or regress at times. Like you said, slow progress is still progress!)
You are among friendly people on this forum and you can share as much (or as little) as you wish, and we will try to help and support you. I know I feel a lot stronger having these people in my corner.
We are survivors. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

...

@Markness I believe in you too. This year was full of massive ups and downs for me as well and I'm still fighting the urge to give up, but I'm winning the fight. I know from my conversations with you that you are a lot stronger than you think you are (and than other people think you are.) You will get through this.
I am taking everything one day, one hour, and one minute at a time, and you should too. It's the only way to climb over these roadblocks.

You’re so very strong Luca. And I hope they are dead too. =)

 

[Rodafina]

@Luca and @merithra,
You are both signs of great strength and optimism and how to move forward through seemingly impossible things. I have so much respect for both of you being able to share your experience with an optimistic ending to it. It’s incredible, really.

@Markness,
I think the two above are a great example of why friendship is so important.

We can learn so much from friends… By hearing their stories instead of just focusing on our own. I say we here, because I think you know I have the same propensity to dwell on my own sorrows and failures.

But having discussions here and really taking the time to read what others are writing and hearing about their experiences can open up our world to things much greater than even our own horrible sorrow.

There are women here, and others who may identify differently, that show you support and friendship in a certain way. Friendship means something different to everyone, but there are people here who clearly take the time to read your words and offer insightful responses. That is a conversation to some people, and it is a type of friendship.

So do not forget about those of us who do support you. And I am not saying that because I think you should thank them, but rather just take in the kindness and let that battle some of the sadness in your heart. Kindness given to you is an incredibly powerful thing, and an extremely potent warrior. Do not let those moments that hurt you or where truth was too hard to take in make you forget that there is also care.

It would be rude of you to forget about us.
^ I am definitely joking about this last comment, but really, don’t forget about some of the good things even when the bad seems so overwhelming.

Taking stock of an entire year can be dangerous to our thinking. Maybe you could look at the day to day… remember all the comments where you posted something slightly positive or you posted about your interests or a show. Do not judge the whole year by a failed Spanish attempt. Let’s look at each day, and all the days remaining in the year.

How about a fiery sunrise for a new day and optimism going forward?

 

[Misery]

@Markness, we've been over this more than a few times... I think you know what sort of thing I'm about to say here, but I'm going to say it anyway because I'm a stubborn little snot.

You might notice all the immediate support being thrown at you here in this very topic, and I tell you, that's always been the case. Yes, some people get a tad frustrated at you every now and then, but... look, it can be a bit frustrating when someone really wants to see you succeed, but instead they see you punch yourself in the face over and over, which is basically what you've done so many times.

You tell yourself over and over how bad you must be or how you dont have X trait or whatever. All the time, you do this. And to that I say the same bloody thing I've said to you 5000 times over: You cant win a battle by shooting your own foot. How in the world are you going to get what you want if you keep convincing yourself that you cannot have it or do not deserve it?

Similarly, you perceive so much darkness around you where none exists. Again, lotsa support here. It's always been there. But I always hear from you how people dont want you to be happy or whatever, when... look I'm just going to keep pointing out the support everyone is showing and has been showing for a good while now.

Nobody here wants to see you fail. Everyone wants to see you succeed. Everyone thinks you can do that. Everyone believes in you.

...Everyone except you, that is. I dont know why you cannot see in yourself what I and others clearly can. I dont know why you cannot see the fact that you do have it in you to accomplish your goals. But for whatever reason, you just aint spotting it. Or, more likely, you arent allowing yourself to spot it.

I and others have said this before, and I'm gonna bloody well say this again: Stop telling yourself you cant. Start telling yourself you CAN. And get the heck back up when you fall down. Be freaking stubborn about it.

Only by doing those things will you ever get what you're after, because again: You cant win when you've been telling yourself you're going to lose before the match even begins.

I'm going to just keep repeating these things until it bloody well gets through. I dont give up, and neither should you.


Also before you say it, yes, I know sometimes there will be some bully or other that you might meet somewhere who tries to tell you the opposite of what I'm saying here. And I say, dont listen to them. Ignore bullies and jerks. It's that simple. They aint worth the braincells it takes to process the drivel they spit your way.

 

[merithra]

@Markness, we've been over this more than a few times... I think you know what sort of thing I'm about to say here, but I'm going to say it anyway because I'm a stubborn little snot.

You might notice all the immediate support being thrown at you here in this very topic, and I tell you, that's always been the case. Yes, some people get a tad frustrated at you every now and then, but... look, it can be a bit frustrating when someone really wants to see you succeed, but instead they see you punch yourself in the face over and over, which is basically what you've done so many times.

You tell yourself over and over how bad you must be or how you dont have X trait or whatever. All the time, you do this. And to that I say the same bloody thing I've said to you 5000 times over: You cant win a battle by shooting your own foot. How in the world are you going to get what you want if you keep convincing yourself that you cannot have it or do not deserve it?

Similarly, you perceive so much darkness around you where none exists. Again, lotsa support here. It's always been there. But I always hear from you how people dont want you to be happy or whatever, when... look I'm just going to keep pointing out the support everyone is showing and has been showing for a good while now.

Nobody here wants to see you fail. Everyone wants to see you succeed. Everyone thinks you can do that. Everyone believes in you.

...Everyone except you, that is. I dont know why you cannot see in yourself what I and others clearly can. I dont know why you cannot see the fact that you do have it in you to accomplish your goals. But for whatever reason, you just aint spotting it. Or, more likely, you arent allowing yourself to spot it.

I and others have said this before, and I'm gonna bloody well say this again: Stop telling yourself you cant. Start telling yourself you CAN. And get the heck back up when you fall down. Be freaking stubborn about it.

Only by doing those things will you ever get what you're after, because again: You cant win when you've been telling yourself you're going to lose before the match even begins.

I'm going to just keep repeating these things until it bloody well gets through. I dont give up, and neither should you.


Also before you say it, yes, I know sometimes there will be some bully or other that you might meet somewhere who tries to tell you the opposite of what I'm saying here. And I say, dont listen to them. Ignore bullies and jerks. It's that simple. They aint worth the braincells it takes to process the drivel they spit your way.

to add onto this, which I feel is great feedback, sometimes you just have to convince yourself "I CAN DO IT" and push that feeling of doubt and defeat out of your mind, you may not believe it but you have to be a bit stubborn and believe you're full well capable of accomplishing your goals.

You can do it! it is a travesty to see someone self-sabotage when everyone wants to see that person succeed, we want to see you succeed and do the absolute best you can within your circumstances, we are rooting for you, and if someone says they want to see you fail then that is their problem, the best thing you can do is spite them by doing the best you can instead of giving into their own desires.

Bullies will tell you that you many things, but the best thing to do is spite them by succeeding with your life and goals, you might find it hard to adjust to things when you begin but within a few weeks it will become routine, you might not feel like doing something one day.

you can't count yourself out before you've played the game, you wouldn't have even participated in that regard, you can definitely accomplish good things if you set your mind to it.

sometimes, as Misery said, we have to be stubborn, for a long time I hated going to the gym because I hated exercise, I was 280lbs and hated it, but I told myself "you have to go, not going isn't an option, you can do it, you can, bailing out on today's session isn't an option", as a result of this I lost 90lbs because I became stubborn and refused to give in.

you can definitely do it, overcoming that wall of self doubt is very difficult but you can do it.

 

[Markness]

There’s a lot of posts to reply to. I will get to them all eventually.

 

[Rodafina]

There’s a lot of posts to reply to. I will get to them all eventually.

Because so many people support you! You are loved! People care! Don’t forget this incredible moment, when you can see in black-and-white writing that people care about you.

I’m rooting for you, Markness.

 

[Markness]

I hope things can improve within your situation, you will always have a place on here to talk about how you feel - if it helps, I was in a situation just like yours, I was locked inside for 21 years of my life unless there was a necessity involved and heavily under mind control but I managed to construct a plan to escape my situation and now I am living hundreds of miles away from the people responsible. I am not saying you should do the same, but I am sure you can make the necessary changes to make things slightly better within your situation. Things take time sometimes; you acknowledge the year wasn't particularly good, but you may be able to turn that around within 2023 and I am honestly rooting for you as someone who was in a similar situation. Slow progress is still progress nonetheless and I believe in you. I hope things can get better; I am rooting for you.

Thank you for your kind words!

By locked inside, do you mean that your parents wouldn’t let you outside the house unless you were with them?

 

[Markness]

I really don’t think it is conducive for you that you measure your success with other people and have the need to carry some internal clock for what things you should have achieved by this amount of time. Last year was a really different place for me, and I started off the year having some crazy plans of what I wanted to achieve by the end of the year — I achieved only a small handful of them. I didn’t have a friendship. I didn’t have a girlfriend. I didn’t continue to learn piano. I didn’t overhaul my lifestyle to be more active. I didnt stop self harming. However, I DID complete a course, I did get a job (only for the year but still), and I picked up my hobby again after becoming lost during the pandemic lockdowns. This year, I still don’t have a friendship. I still don^t have a girlfriend. I still haven’t picked up the piano again. I ended my contract but became depressed, and I’m doing some temp work at the moment, but I am becoming more active…self harming is a work in progress…and I feel more centred because the things that I dont have may happen but you have to think about the things that you have achieved. And even if it doesn’t feel like it, you have achieved a lot.

My mom is quite similar to yours, I think with comparing and contrasting me with others, and certain aspects of my life she can be controlling with. I love my mom But I’m under no illusion anymore. I know what’s best for me, and you should know what is best for you. Focus on the things that You have done. You’ve started a course. You’re doing well in. And creative writing is not easy. You can drive, attend more social events, probably approach more people than I do, and you push yourself to go out (I wish I could find the courage to do that).

Next year, perhaps you will learn Spanisch or you will do something else entirely. It is something to realize that life is full of unexpected surprises — both unpleasant and the pleasant and we can’t really make a solid plan or have expectations. As for your physical health — change your diet to include more vegetables and fruits and pick up a physical activity that you^ll enjoy (see, I still haven’t joined the badminton group that I was going to at the beginning of this year but I have started jogging again, so maybe next year). It will help your mental health and give you something to do and get out of the house away from your mom for a bit. Even if it’s just going for long walks, you can take your headphones and listen to music or podcasts or something. And if your therapist isn’t helping you make progress, get another one.


You need to stop with that thought process. No one hates you here. Some may get frustrated with you but I have seen their arguments about that and I agree with them. It is most importantly you need to work on yourself. A girlfriend won’t magically solve everything that is wrong and if you do have the misfortune of meeting one of those manipulative toxic ones, they will make your life hell and make it worse for you. You don’t want that. They are very quick to pick up on vulnerable people and love bomb you into thinking that you need them and then you’ll be entirely dependent and miserable with them. Its one of the reasons why I am not even considering dating at the moment, despite feeling lost at times, I know that if I get into a relationship with someone who make its worse for me, it will do more damage.Might be hard for you to understand, and you may take it like I don’t want you to be in a relationship which is not what I am saying. I dont want you to be in one that is toxic and detrimental for you Because that honey moon period will wear off.

I’ve had that struggle since I was a child. I think it developed from experiences where other kids were more capable than me in activities as well as socializing. The messed up culture I live in is also very individualistic and competitive.

My mother is a self-described control freak and I’ve gotten to where I will sometimes call her that personally without hesitation because she knows it’s true.

I am not certain what I will do in the coming year. I have been eating more fruits and vegetables. I also go on walks when I can and often away from the neighborhood I live in so I am away from my mother.

I don’t think they’ll ever talk to me again, though. They probably hope I will continue to get hurt and suffer until I die.

 

[Markness]

I still plan on replying to the last posts in response to me. I just feel bummed about some things in my life and my head hurts.

 

[BrokenBoy]

I still plan on replying to the last posts in response to me. I just feel bummed about some things in my life and my head hurts.

Have you ever taken aspirin?

 

[Markness]

Have you ever taken aspirin?

Possibly.

 

[Markness]

What was your best year like?

I was less stressed out and a woman kissed my cheek.

 

[Markness]

@Markness I believe in you too. This year was full of massive ups and downs for me as well and I'm still fighting the urge to give up, but I'm winning the fight. I know from my conversations with you that you are a lot stronger than you think you are (and than other people think you are.) You will get through this.
I am taking everything one day, one hour, and one minute at a time, and you should too. It's the only way to climb over these roadblocks.

Supposedly when one is in “Hell”, the answer is to keep going. I only hope that I don’t turn to ashes in the process.

 

[Markness]

This story is from a woman’s perspective and while I am not a virgin, a lot of what she says reflects my own fears and hopelessness, especially about the years getting lonelier: I'm A 32-Year-Old Virgin (But Not By Choice)

 

[tree]

She sounds pretty hopeless all right.

I wonder if she's more interesting and full of life in person
than she seems to be in this little piece she wrote.