Control

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

Do you try to control everything so you feel better?
Or a sense of self worth because it feels better than doing nothing.
And it always just feels weird to let go, it is easier to control.than let go.
Letting go is an effort amnd never picking back up.

 

[Outdated]

Control is an illusion. It does not exist.

 

[Kisa the tea]

I have absolutely no control of my life. I'm just along for the ride. There is nothing I can do to influence what will happen. I've tried before. It doesn't work.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

There are things you do have control in your life, for example, what you do and how you do it. There are things that you sometimes have control of in your life, such as when you do it. There are things most people don't have control over, such as other people, the weather, etc.

Fear and anxiety often results in controlling behaviors, and rarely results in anyone feeling better. You may win a few battles, but you won't win the war, as one may say. The worst-case scenario is constantly trying to micromanage another person such as a life partner or co-worker, which ultimately destroys the relationship.

People who are highly goal-oriented and duty-bound often "grab the bull by the horns" and are highly productive, and also quite stressed. Myself for example. Passivity is not in my nature. If I want something, I am going to get it, today, tomorrow, the next day, but I will get it. I am not controlling of others, though. That, most of the time, I don't have control over. So, with that, comes a mindset of independence. If I can't depend upon others, just do it myself. Most of the time, I don't even consider help from others. This has been my life from day one.

 

[Tom]

Controlling yourself is ok, but when you try to control events or people around you is when it gets messy.

 

[Misty Avich]

I know my own boundaries. For example, if person A and person B both hate each other but both like me and I like both of them, I won't be two-faced and suddenly let one turn me against the other party, unless I have seen for myself that the other party has reason to be unlikeable. I do know my own mind and I'll be a friend to anyone who I like, whether they like each other or not. I also so understand that if one person doesn't like another person they can sometimes start rumours about that person to get revenge or whatever. If it's not believable and I just have that feeling it isn't true at all, then I won't believe the rumours and I won't hate anyone, not would I spread any gossip or have any intent to say "by the way person A said [insult] about you" to person B. But if I feel that there is something dodgy about a person I thought I liked then I would make the decision to dislike them, although I'd still be polite to them because part of me wants to like everyone.
So, I'm not easily brainwashed into being turned against people who have never shown any evidence of malicious behaviour in my eyes. People can trust me. Unless I have evident reasons to hate someone I may act out on it (passive-aggressively if offline, more honest if online).

 

[Rodafina]

I aim to understand rather than control. Seizing control feels like an illusion and ultimately frustrating.

Learning flexibility has helped me more than seeking control. I thrive on order when I can, but one can find order in chaos with enough practice (That’s my hope, anyway. Still working on it.)

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I learned that the only thing I can control for certain is my response to life's events, many of which I have little control over.

 

[Luca]

I can’t control anything in my life other than making decisions, and how I interpret and react to the consequences of those decisions. I don’t think anyone can really have full control over their life unless they live in a bubble or something.

 

[Progster]

Control is an illusion. It does not exist.

Yeah. Just like freedom is an illusion.
But what is relevant is whether I feel I'm in control or not... it doesn't really matter if it's an illusion or a placebo.

 

[Sasha22]

I think there are things you can definitely control. This thread made me check the etymology => "to check the accuracy of, verify; to regulate"; "exert authority"; "The word apparently comes from a medieval method of checking accounts by a duplicate register."

I wouldn't abdicate control or shun the idea completely. It seems to me that if you do, others will just take control for you. You can always monitor/make an account of where you're at, and work at changing directions. You can even control your drive to control, if you find it excessive. To me it's a powerful ability that you can refine to know yourself better, own your life to the extent that you can.

Maybe it's about identifying what you do/can have power over, and what you can/should let go of. A balance of sorts. I generally like what the stoics say about this stuff.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I wouldn't abdicate control or shun the idea completely. It seems to me that if you do, others will just take control for you. You can always monitor/make an account of where you're at, and work at changing directions. You can even control your drive to control, if you find it excessive. To me it's a powerful ability that you can refine to know yourself better, own your life to the extent that you can.

Maybe it's about identifying what you do/can have power over, and what you can/should let go of. A balance of sorts. I generally like what the stoics say about this stuff.

^^Yes^^. Well said. A balance.

If you abdicate control then you are nothing more than that falling leaf on a windy day, floating around, seemingly aimless, being tossed about. I would not recommend that approach. This would certainly make me fearful and anxious about life.

Having reasonable, achievable goals, both short and long term seems a better way to navigate one's life. Having responsibilities not only for yourself, but for others is often the anchor, the driving force that keeps you going and pushing forward.

I will often have these days at work where I just want to get from point A to point B, but then find out that due to many interruptions, it seems I have to go through the entire alphabet to finally get to B. Life can be like that. It's full of disappointments, delays, interruptions, things you have no control over, but you still have to get to point B.

Life is not a passive endeavor.

 

[Outdated]

Maybe it's about identifying what you do/can have power over, and what you can/should let go of. A balance of sorts. I generally like what the stoics say about this stuff.

I will often have these days at work where I just want to get from point A to point B, but then find out that due to many interruptions, it seems I have to go through the entire alphabet to finally get to B. Life can be like that. It's full of disappointments, delays, interruptions, things you have no control over, but you still have to get to point B.

Life is not a passive endeavor.

This is what I meant when I said control is an illusion. In life we deal with probabilities more often than absolutes. We have goals we want to achieve and we do our best to try and increase the probabilities of our desired outcomes, but to believe we are in control can lead to feelings of failure when things do not go as planned.

"All the best laid plans of mice and men..."

 

[Sasha22]

This is what I meant when I said control is an illusion. In life we deal with probabilities more often than absolutes. We have goals we want to achieve and we do our best to try and increase the probabilities of our desired outcomes, but to believe we are in control can lead to feelings of failure when things do not go as planned.

"All the best laid plans of mice and men..."

I do not see how that makes control an illusion though. I see this as meaning that you can't control everything, and that believing that you can will inevitably lead to disappointment - a disappointment that can also be managed and turned into a learning experience as to what you can and cannot control (an endeavor that requires... self-control).
So I think control is as real as anything else. It can be used in various ways, constructively or not so constructively.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

I can’t control anything in my life other than making decisions, and how I interpret and react to the consequences of those decisions. I don’t think anyone can really have full control over their life unless they live in a bubble or something.

Yes it is hard you have to make decie

Controlling yourself is ok, but when you try to control events or people around you is when it gets messy.

You cannot control events but sometimes as an autistic I feel guilty for not having control over not knowing things and that I did not realize them to avoid mistakes
But there is no way to work out things without knowing and you cannot control mistakes even more so when they are trauma reactions
It is good to avoid people who hurt you, they are not worth breath, I would rather be alone...every single moment. It is hard when they are forced in ur,face

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

^^Yes^^. Well said. A balance.

If you abdicate control then you are nothing more than that falling leaf on a windy day, floating around, seemingly aimless, being tossed about. I would not recommend that approach. This would certainly make me fearful and anxious about life.

Having reasonable, achievable goals, both short and long term seems a better way to navigate one's life. Having responsibilities not only for yourself, but for others is often the anchor, the driving force that keeps you going and pushing forward.

I will often have these days at work where I just want to get from point A to point B, but then find out that due to many interruptions, it seems I have to go through the entire alphabet to finally get to B. Life can be like that. It's full of disappointments, delays, interruptions, things you have no control over, but you still have to get to point B.

Life is not a passive endeavor.

That makes so much a sense for me as well.
If that floating in the wind and going with the flow incredibly difficult.
I think I need something to focus on or just complete harmony and understanding over issues, feelings and the unknown.
I cannot tell if it is not black and white in front if my face.
I mean often if you have a trauma feeling, reaction or needing meltdown or shutdown .you will just need support and a hug.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

Yeah. Just like freedom is an illusion.
But what is relevant is whether I feel I'm in control or not... it doesn't really matter if it's an illusion or a placebo.

I do not see freedom as an illusion, freedom is having fun as you are, having independence to do what you please, no feeling tied to people who hurt you badly or weight you down
And people who want to see you happy and give back to you and people respecting ur privacy and boundaries

 

[Sasha22]

I can’t control anything in my life other than making decisions, and how I interpret and react to the consequences of those decisions.

This to me sounds like a great amont of control that you're able to exert on your life.

you cannot control mistakes even more so when they are trauma reactions

Having experienced it, I agree that this is a pretty bad place to be. But I do believe that this can be retrained, your brain can be rewired via new experiences - and I've learned to accept the mistakes I make as a result of trauma as part of my learning experience in the post-traumatic context. It doesn't feel fair. However it is possible to get better at all of this.

 

[AspieChris]

For me it’s less about learning to control anything. That would be a little like predicting the future. I prefer to focus on solving problems as they come up. When I learned to do that, my life got easier. Once I got good at that, it became easier to see where the problem started. Now I’m good at seeing problems before they start and it gives me a little ‘control’ over whether I want to start fixing a situation before it gets out of control, or getting myself away from it before it explodes.

I can’t control the places where the enemy buried the land mines but I can learn what to look for before I step on one, and how to diffuse a land mine if I find one. That’s my ‘control’.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

For me it’s less about learning to control anything. That would be a little like predicting the future. I prefer to focus on solving problems as they come up. When I learned to do that, my life got easier. Once I got good at that, it became easier to see where the problem started. Now I’m good at seeing problems before they start and it gives me a little ‘control’ over whether I want to start fixing a situation before it gets out of control, or getting myself away from it before it explodes.

I can’t control the places where the enemy buried the land mines but I can learn what to look for before I step on one, and how to diffuse a land mine if I find one. That’s my ‘control’.

There is also your wisdom that allows you to anticipate potential future events and outcomes, and plan accordingly. "If this, then that" mentality. A mental algorithm. My entire day at work is like this, on many levels.

Most people do not plan to fail, but often do because they fail to plan.

Most of the time there are multiple pathways to achieving your goals, whether it be daily life, work, or even long-term. If you have a positive attitude and know that, at some point, you will be kicked off your path, you'll just hop on another and keep going forward.